Please help me settle an argument about secrets in a relationship, how to make my boyfriend realise how wrong he is?

[Anonymous]

So we have been together for three years and he has never once shared his passwords with me, about a year ago he shared his PIN to his phone and told me that he trusts me not to look through his messages or violate his privacy which made me suspicious instantly but I've never gotten a chance to even just check to make sure he's honest because he always has his phone with him I think I've entered the pin maybe 3 times since I knew it but only to change songs in the car, so I told him we are at the relationship stage where I should know all his passwords and he said no, that he is entitled to some privacy and I said there are no secrets in relationships and he agreed, but he said there is a difference between secrecy and privacy.

I told him so many ways that secrecy and privacy are no different and that hiding his passwords is him being secretive and he said no it's him wanting some privacy and I have no business knowing them and to stop bothering him about it because he won't discuss it again, how do I explain to him that there is no secrecy in a relationship?

[God_of_Thunder]

Sorry, but your boyfriend is correct.

You don't have a right to his passwords, nor should you expect him to share them with you. He can, if he wants to, but he doesn't have to, if he doesn't want to. Even in a relationship, you're still entitled to your privacy.

You obviously have trust issues, and that's your problem, not his. You'll either need to find a way to accept that, and get over it, or move on, until you're mature enough to be in an adult relationship.

[admles]

Privacy and secrecy are two different things, your boyfriend is right.

YOU DO NOT NEED HIS PASSWORDS, NOR DO YOU HAVE ANY RIGHT OR CLAIM TO THEM.

Grow up and stop being so nosy. If you can't trust him after three years together, why are you still with him?

I'll never understand the (predominantly in my personal experience) female obsession with having a guy's passwords.

He could be talking to his friends or family about ANYTHING that he doesn't want to share, and they could be doing the same - you reading his messages is a violation of their trust in him.

[7Phoenix7]

Has he done anything to break your trust? If not, what is the reason why you're itching to see his messages? If he he hasn't done anything to betray or lead you to think he's unfaithful then give him his privacy. He deserves to be trusted until proven otherwise.

[LazerBean]

You are *just* a girlfriend. You are not entitled to anything of his, and he is not obligated to tell you anything he doesn't want to.

[User3191989]

You can't have secrecy without privacy. However, you do NOT need to know EVERYTHING about him. If you do not trust him, which it sounds like it was from the start, then maybe it's not the greatest relationship after all. If I had an S. O. they do not need to be knowing my SSN, or my license number. That's not appropriate. I think what YOU'RE after, are his messages, to check to see if any girls are still talking to him and how they're talking to him. If you trust him, it should not matter what those girls are doing, and it sounds to me, like you don't.

[bolverk]

One question are you as open with your phone as you want your boyfriend to be?

You have no right to see the contents of his phone just as he has no right to see the contents of yours, each side has an expectation of privacy.

[FilmGuy93]

I understand the point you're trying to make, but he's correct in this situation. This is a question of personal boundaries in the relationship, and you are trying to overstep a boundary he has placed by demanding access to his passwords.

[Summeroflove]

Depends. Some people might have something important. Go with your gut. Don’t be controlling or invading. But also don’t be taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you regard it as secrecy and he as privacy. He's more right. Being in a relationship - an unmarried one at that - has limits it.

Some things are secrecy issues. But access to personal spaces is more a privacy thing.

[Asker2022]

It’s not of your business to ask for his passwords.

[Anonymous]

You’re being nosy and creepy. Respect his privacy.

[slatyb]

He's right, you are wrong.

[Redstang88]

He’s right, you’re wrong, end of argument

[melanieeeB]

He is right

[melanieeeB]

In every relationship, there should be a healthy amount of secrecy!!! Even in friendship and all. You DON'T have to share everything and especially not passwords!