I married a weak man. I am losing my mind what should I do to save the relationship?

[Anonymous]

I married a weak man, it took me a while to figure it out. He is a full professional and I promise you since dating most of his workload falls on me and blames me when something goes wrong while he's out and about 5 days a weak, God knows doing what.

People have done disrespectful things to me, he would be there either He joins them or pretends he didn't see or know ig then I'd talk to him and not he is infuriating because "I didn't tell him right away"🙃

Friends, his mom and sister and even people he just met makes big decisions for him and he listens and even cause financial loss ($20,000 and up)

He tells his mom and sister every little detail of our relationship and my flaws, the sister even came at me and insulted me verbally, he left our home to go stay at his sister's aprstment for 4 days. We are working on a life changing project for me, he has told his family about my failures in this journey and updates them.

He went to his sister's home to fix something for her, I texted him "please do not discuss my project with people" as the project has been progressing and I believe that things work better when you move in silence he texted me fuck you. And called me and said " my niece (5 years old) imagine my own niece was using my phone and you text me that, how dare you? What if her mom saw the text? I'm coming home for you I'm gonna show you?" After this text, he stopped talking to me he acts as if I'm lying when we both know he is always telling people our business. We had big plans so those plans will resume maybe next month once he stops bitching.

I give him strategies to help us go to a different level financially, he messed it up and we have to start over, he gets irritated and calls me names all kinds of names, stops me from going to the gym, to work, spends money like he pleases but i can't. He is always putting everything on me, he can't stand up to no one, business partners included. Yet he calls himself an alpha male 🤣

What do I do?

Updates

1 y

He is a few years older, he stops having sex with me as a punishment every time there's a disagreement. He once barely had manhood I helped him recover it... Now any problems he becomes enemy, whatever projects we were working on he stops them completely and we start over once we make up. Meanwhile no matter how big the fight I'm open to have sex, I cook, clean, do the laundry, organize his clothes

[Telekinetic-Potato]

If you love this man, you owe it to him and yourself to tell him not to talk to you like that. Right now you guys aren't working as a team. Whatever caused it, maybe it's been a problem the whole time you've been together. But you need to stick up for yourself first because it's hurting him as much as it's hurting you to let him take his anger out on you and not direct that energy somewhere productive.

It sounds like there's a lot of other details to what's going on here but if he's telling his family about what you negatively, and doesn't defend you, it's because he's embarrassed about something.

He's going to keep getting worse if you don't tell him that you need him to grow up and act like a man. This is part of a partners job in a relationship and it's something I've really only seen women do well.

The rewards for building your man into the best version he can be is loyalty, respect and you'll feel like you have a voice in your relationship.

But the first step in fixing your problem I think is to tell him the way he's acting doesn't work for you and have a serious conversation about why he feels like his actions are OK.

[Asker]

Yes you are right. My husband is the only son and was somehow manipulated and used by his mom and sister his whole life.. and other family members. Meeting him I helped him go grow up a bit... they manipulated him so much that at some point he couldn't even pursue his college studies to become a doctor because his sister and mom manipulated him to stay home babysitting his sister's newborn🤣 can u imagine? They used to control everything he does. They used to borrow his money, make him do everything fhey please but that changed with me. I made sure he gets a savings account, fixed his credit, buy a home, move out of his mom home, and basically man up. The moment we got married his mom tried to convince him and me to move in the little apartment they lived to stay with my husband jn there in a 300 sqft bedroom🤣 she heard his credit was ok she asked my husband to buy the home with her (the housf would be on their names) and that she would come live with us and that she would only stay in one room. Do you see the disrespect? When we were dating he was loving and affectionate but the moment we are around his mom and sister he would bully me and get mean.

He started talking about Me behind my back once I started standing up to him and letting him know that I will not tolerate his disrespect

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Wow that makes a lot of sense. It almost sounds like the mom and the sister set the whole situation up. They're probably giving him much more attention now.

The mom sounds like an entitled bitch.

I hate to say it but I feel like you might have to tear him down a little bit before he can see clearly again. He'd be lucky if you stayed around to get him through all this. I'd be ready to throw his mom down a flight of stairs right now.

You seem like a nice, smart person, how did you end up in this situation?

[Asker]

Yes they always set him up and he falls for their traps. The mom is very entitled and the sister as well. They complain to him that I'm too involved in his life and his business. Thank you for the compliment, but you know when you're inexperienced, and young you make stupid mistakes. I saw the red flags, I had dreams about his past and what He was doing I ignored him and I found out my dreams and doubts were the truth, 2 years later and we were already married. But I knew he wasn't right for me...

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I hope you end up where you deserve to be. I hope your husband finds out what he has

[Asker]

Thank you so much! It means so much

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

He sounds downright abusive. What a fucking tool. I don't even know the guy and I already want to smack him. Do yourself a favour and GTFO now coz this will 100% only get worse if you stay. "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them."

[Asker]

You are right. That's his plan anyway, I heard him and his mom discussing him leaving the marriage

[Aerissa_Jade]

You should leave, don't try to save it. The sheer fact that he is punishing you, and tries to control you alone is bad.

I know it isn't going to be easy, but you can do it and in the long run you'll be far better off and happier, especially if you find someone else that is glad to be with you, that works with you and treats you the way you should be.

[YourFavoriteFriend]

Couldn't have said it better! There are plenty of men out there to stick with this idiot!

[Asker]

Yes that is so true

[Asker]

Thank you so much! Amen to rest

[Asker]

Amen to that

[Sparkie460]

He is physically abusive to you. He discusses your weaknesses and flaws with everyone. He treats you like a slave. Why do you want to salvage your relationship with him? I doubt things will get better. They will probably get worse

[Asker]

I got married pretty young and i really made the wrong choice. It's really scary all around for me to divorce him so many people were waiting for us to fail so it's hard especially I really love this man that I fell in love with. I'll never believe how 5 months ago he laughed In my face because my project was denied, my university threw me out because I haven't been enrolled to any classes so i had to reapply, I was denied a $30,000 scholarship and they could not even tell me why I didn't get it with a good GPA and essay. He said people like you don't deserve anything good in life. Mind you all of these things happened in one week
He called me weak and got mad at me because I was crying.

[Sparkie460]

It's not your fault the marriage is failing. He is belittling you. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't start hitting you. You can and deserve to find better than the guy you have. I think he has something to do with all the things that happened to you. Do you want to live like this forever? I think the only way that you can save your marriage is for both of you to see a marriage counselor.

[Asker]

I Imagine if I were to have any children with him how much they would suffer with a dad like that. Once we have a disagreement he'd disappear on the kids and stop assuming his responsibilities... that's not healthy. Like you said I doubt it will get better. I should have known better

[Sparkie460]

Was he like this before you got married

[Asker]

Not really, he was very nice and it started taking a bad turn once he involved me in his professional life plus the lies I caught up on

[Sparkie460]

What does he do for a living? What lies?

[YourFavoriteFriend]

@Hearthly11

> so many people were waiting for us to fail

What do you mean people waiting for you to fail? Who are these people and why they want that? Also, why do you care about other people and not just your happiness?

[Asker]

I found out almost two years later that when we were officially dating he was texting this girl go come have sex with him even tho she played him and ignored didn't happen but now I question how many other times he has done it. I found out almosg 2 years later tht around the 3rd month dating this girl "He wasn't really dating" came to him and his family telling them that she's pregnant and it was a lie. His sister called the girl and told her that he's with me so she came up with that lie... the family knew of him and they accepted him and even told him to leave me, he started treating me like shit but I didn't know why till 2 years later. He would tell me it's because he's struggling professionally... so yeah

[Sparkie460]

The only way to save your marriage is to go to counseling together. I have a feeling he is going to refuse to go.
If I was in your shoes I would leave him and find someone who would treat you with that respect that you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Wow, he sounds like a total dickhead. what about divorcing him? Can you do that where you live?

[Asker]

Yes I can! I believe he wants the divorce way more than I do, he never fails to remind me that he had way better options than me and he can't wait to divorce me. Calls me piece of shit of a woman

[Opinion Owner]

So? What's stopping you from divorcing this dick?

[Anonymous]

Bro get divorced asap...
Do you even need to asked this to strangers?

You're brave woman if you're still with this weak men...

[Asker]

Sometimes when you find yourself in certain situations, you have to let other people hear you out so you know you're not crazy and delusional like you've been called so many times and unfortunately start believing it

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

@Hearthly11 You're not delusional, you're not crazy, what you ARE is endangered by your continuing loyalty to the person causing all your pain. He's probably got you so twisted up thinking you're the cause of all this pain and shame you feel, but it's a parlour trick he's played on you to cover his own tracks. That's what gaslighting is. You may not see it right now but you need to know that you're not "crazy" for seeing the truth, your instincts know when things don't add up. Narcissists like your husband will try to make you turn against your own instincts -- so that he can coerce you into complying with these infringements on your autonomy and dignity. After all, if he can successfully make you suppress your own instincts -- and even defend HIS controlling and bullying behavior -- then he can effectively mold you into whatever form he desires. But that's not a sealed fate, you can disengage from his manipulations starting right now by just recognising that they ARE, in fact, manipulations. You don't deserve this treatment. You've done nothing to warrant this treatment. You've got everything to gain by removing yourself from the person causing this mistreatment. And you have nothing to gain by staying.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Don't let the sunk cost fallacy of "oh but I already invested so much in this relationship" make you complacent. You need to get out and make a clean break and revisit the support systems you relied on before this narcissist made you feel dependent on him. If his manipulations have caused you to lose support systems you once had (family, friends, etc), then you might need to swallow your pride and just ask for help to get somewhere safe to stay while you figure out divorce proceedings and all that stuff. I worry though that if you stay with him much longer, his verbal and mental abuse could quickly progress to physical abuse. And even if ot doesn't, the psychological costs of staying with him aren't exactly a lesser fate than physical violence; its just a different kind of horror to endure.

[Asker]

@SomeGuyCalledTom the things I heard him say to his family about me when he thought I wasn't listening really shows that this is really my wake up call. Apparently him and his mom are discussing him leaving the marriage too. I might as well accept it

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Well in that case I say "jump before you're pushed", leave him in the dirt with divorce papers and get a good divorce lawyer and take him for all he's worth. Normally I don't advocate for people taking their exes to the cleaners, but in this case I think you deserve some fucking restitutions for the way he's treated you

[slatyb]

You know what to do. Get the hell out. Are you asking us for permission? You have mine.

[nevermind53]

Its all your choice Do what ever u want until this time

[peedy]

Why would you want to save it there are better men out there that wouldn't do that to you

[Anonymous]

End the relationship. You're both better off without eachother.

[User3191989]

There are some prettty asshole-ish people on here

[Asker]

What do you mean by that?

[User3191989]

Think about it

[Luckycharms12]

What the fuck leave