I cheated on an ex girlfriend long ago and now she's a serial cheater, how do I get rid of this guilt?

[Anonymous]

I need to get this out of my chest. Long ago when we were 21 year-olds, I made the most selfish decision of cheating on her, destroying her. She discovered it in a manner I don't even want to discuss. She tried to work things out but she never recovered and dumped me 4 months later.

Now we're both 28 year-olds. I've learnt from others that she's been cheating on every single guy she has dated. The world is so small that one of my closest friends even dated her and she ended up sleeping with his cousin. She excused it that she wasn't always like this, that someone made her into this (sadly that someone is me).

Her fb page has the saying ''Everyone was born good and on a clean slate, society corrups you and makes you who you are''.

I've ruined her life, her personality and her ability to bond with a man. This is my permanent guilt... ruining someone's life. It's my fault she's now a serial cheater (even the way she dresses up is different). How do I get rid of this guilt?

Updates

+1 y

I turned a sweet girl into a lying, promiscuous serial cheater that cheats without having any remorse.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s mature of you to take responsibility for the pain you caused her and hopefully you’ve gotten a chance to deeply apologize for the hurt, which I’d like to assume you did at some point after cheating.


The thing is we have all been hurt. I have never known anyone to go through a shitty, toxic, hurtful situation and not come out unscathed. We all have war wounds. But we also have the ability to not let the past define us, or use it as some sort of excuse to be shitty to someone else. Your ex is actively choosing to let what you’ve done become part of her identity, and that is no longer your fault.


She could do the real work to heal, forgive, and move forward but instead she chooses to bring pain to others because of what she went through. Years have passed, and it’s time for her to take some accountability for her choices and be a better person. So while I understand your guilt, it’s time to let it go. This path is her own and no one else is responsible for her behavior but herself.

[Asker]

I've apologized so much at the time. I begged at that time when she discovered my infidelity. I should've never begged. I should've let her walk away and not waste 4 months of her time. If she's not healed, I can't really do anything. I wish she would stop his destructive path. The issue is she doesn't even display any remorse after cheating on those guys. She's vindictive towards men at this moment. I'm the catalyst of her change.

[Opinion Owner]

Even if you were the catalyst it does not mean you are at fault for choices she’s made. It’s been years, I’d assume you are not the only one to have hurt her aside from hurting herself. I wish there was something more profound I could say but you seem to be so deep in your guilt that I don't know if anything but therapy can move you through it. But at some point you’re going to have to let this go and move on. You’ve done your best to apologize and can’t make yourself at fault for all her bad choices. It doesn’t nothing for either of you. I hope that one day she can see that she is creating her own ripple effects as well. Each man she cheats on may do it to someone else, it’s a vicious cycle that she does not have to take part in.

[AmandaYVR]

Then you should contact her. You might think that everything that needed to be said has already been said, but the difference here is that you see how she has changed as a result of it, and you want the best for her. It's not simply about assuaging your guilt. You need to write her a letter, or have a phone call or something, explaining why she must not do what she's doing. In fact, she's behaving even worse than you did, because she's doing it regularly, chronically, and justifying it.

You don't need to say this to her, but you are not responsible for all of her actions. She's actually doing this all on her own. You know how some people never get over or move past the experiences they had as a child and in their upbringing? She's worse than that too, because she was an adult, basically, when this happened, and she does know better than to treat others like this. She knows the pain it causes. How can she justify knowingly doing that to others, again and again?

[Asker]

She's cheating and having no remorse for it. She's indeed behaving in a worse manner than I did. She feels no guilt for cheating on those men.
I'll try to reach her one last time but it'll likely fall on deaf eyes. She seems beyond damage at this point. I hope she'll come to one day see the light of this and realize what she's doing is destroying her.

[AmandaYVR]

I don't want to throw her under the bus, assassinate her character too much here, but she might have a vindictive streak in her, and she's angry and taking it out on all these guys who didn't deserve it. That might say more about her personality than yours and what you did.
Another possibility is she does things to make them leave her before she leaves them. She's self-sabotaging.
Or she loves being desired by men, and it's not the cheating that is the draw or decision, but that she can continue to find more men who desire her.
Whatever it is, she does have issues. Or an issue.

Try again to reach out, like you said. If she doesn't reply, I honestly think you're sort of off the hook then.

[AdithyaR]

Okay first off, her choice to cheat is not on you. She's. asking that decision to do so.
However it's respectable that you want to take responsibility. I'd suggest maybe contacting her and talking it out. Apologize for what you did.
Beyond that there's nothing you can do to change her, it's not your fault or responsibility to fix her.

[Asker]

I wished she would heal and walk away from that bad path, that she's destroying herself in the process. I'll reach out one last time and after this I can't really do anything else. It'll likely for on deaf ears and she'll continue cheating without any guilt nor remorse. She doesn't feel bad at it.

[AdithyaR]

If she doesn't feel bad about it then that's worse. I don't wanna be harsh but there are people who get cheated on and they don't do the same cause they know how much it hurts. She knows that pain and actively keeps doing it.
She needs to heal, preferably therapy but that is her choice to make and you shouldn't feel guilty that she isn't doing it.

[inhua]

'Everyone was born good and on a clean slate, society corrupts you and makes you who you are''.

some true words right there. all bad behavior is cyclical and stems from previous bad behaviors that stem from previous bad behaviors etc.

[Asker]

yes but I feel bad that she's now stuck on her destructive path. I'll reach her one last time (it's been many years since we haven't spoken) and try my best for her to see the light but I can't do much.

[Jdjfjcjj]

She could have taken that experience, and done a number of different things. Did you probably contribute some, sure but I doubt it's the only reason if even the biggest.

Her cheating on each of her bfs is a choice she chooses to make each and every time.

Why apologize to someone doing the same thing to other people? You feel emphathy at least. I doubt she does.

Screw her.

[Asker]

Yes she completely changed from the girl I once knew. She went from a kind, sweet girl to a vindictive Jezebel (both physically, the way she dresses and mentally) that has no empathy nor remorse for the other guys. At this point, she would be undatable.
I do feel bad for her though. We haven't spoken for many years. I'll try to reach her one last time and that's all I can do. She changed for the worse and I can't get her to stop her destructive path.

[Noahzaid]

She is taking it as an excuse to cheat, she is lying to herself.

what you did is wrong but you shouldn’t blame yourself on what she is going now.

she a grown woman and she knows what’s right or wrong.

[Asker]

She just wish one day she'll see the light and free herself from that destructive path of hurting people. The other men don't deserved it and she has no guilt nor remorse for her cheating. She continues doing it and won't stop. We've haven't been in contact for years but I'll try to reach her one last time but it'll likely fall on deaf ears and she'll continue going on her cheating spree.

[Noahzaid]

Do what you can.

[Shayyyy1]

Therapy for her maybe only way. She either stuck in break up how phase or something.

[Asker]

Yes I can't do nothing to get her out of that destructive path. She's hurting herself and her reputation.

[Kelly6]

Don’t blame yourself.

what she’s doing is not your fault

[Asker]

I'm trying not to but it hurts me seeing her go down that dark path, seeing that she was once a sweet girl and now she's a heartless, cheater that likely hates men.