I don't know if I can take anymore. I cook; I clean; I work cybersecurity; I bodybuild; and the worst part of it all has been her. But. The best part of it all has also been her.
I am angry. She consistently says she'll help me out around the house, but words are just words, and she rarely if ever follows through.
Her gifts to me are only things she wants. She got me steak knives for my birthday, because she wanted new steak knives. She mocked me feeling sad over the death of my mother, 7 months into the relationship. Fought with me at my graduation. Every important moment of my life has been sundered by her.
Even her sister has warned me that she just gaslights constantly.
But, I get angry at her, too, insult her, mock her, raise my voice when we fight. And that's relationships, right? I have many faults, too, so is it fair of me to judge hers and say I can't bear them?
She also taught me so many things and we've shared so many wonderful moments together.
I have a great career, great body, and I'm working harder and harder on myself to become a better version of me, spiritually, mentally, physically. Everything. But she uses that against me and exploits my willingness to olive branch. She exploits my willingness to sit down and talk about what I'm doing wrong, never admitting to anything, and making the whole relationship a defect in me that I must always make up for but never can fully. My faults are mine, and also her faults are also mine. It's such a heavy burden.
But. I'm looking at these pictures and videos of our happy moments. And I can't help but think that I am thinking about throwing away 3 years of blood sweat and tears. Not to mention I'm 1,100 miles from my home now, with no friends here, and only her, so I'm utterly alone aside from the fact that we still live together.
Thankfully I make enough money now to pay double rent for a couple months if I decide to break the lease.
Anyway. Is there ever hope with a covert narcissist?
