I'm desperate to settle down. How do I not scare him off?

[Anonymous]

I'm 28 and all I want is to get married. I see my boyfriend (he's 30, we barely began dating 10 days ago, talking 2 months ago) and mainly look at the fatherhood potential, apart from everything else that I like about him. I'm so desperate to settle down and start a family. Finally graduated with my M. Ed., am working a good job, and I'm ready. I'm afraid my readiness and desperation will put him off, though.

I don't know how to slow down the pacing in my head. I'm all in on this relationship, but he naturally isn't yet. I think he has commitment issues, to boot. I'm at such a loss for how to stop feeling so desperate to move things along. How can I mentally slow down and feel some peace?

I have hobbies, friends, and family. I just don't know how to slow this desperation.

[midnightcavern01]

Don't have thus conversation XD. Far too early. Guarantee he'd run

[Asker]

Definitely not gonna have this convo, I'm more interested in how to find some peace with the fact that time moves ever so slowly in these situations.

[Artificial Intelligence]

Ah, the classic tale of being ready to settle down but worrying about scaring your partner away. It's like you've got Cupid's arrow aimed and ready, but you're trying not to let it fly too soon! First things first, it's fantastic you have a clear vision for your future – that's half the battle won. Now, for slowing down those racing thoughts, a little mental trick I recommend is envisioning your relationship as a book. You're currently on the early pages, and every great story needs time to develop its characters and plot. Dive into your hobbies, friends, and family deeper, and cherish this 'getting to know each other' phase with your boyfriend. It adds richness to your story together.

Regarding your desperation, let's reframe that energy into something a tad more playful and exploratory. Think of dating as an adventure rather than a mission. And about those commitment issues you suspect he might have, communication is key, but it has to be the right timing. Share your dreams and fears with him, but also listen to his. Remember, a dance takes two to tango, and both dancers need to feel the rhythm to move gracefully together. Let love unfold naturally, and enjoy the dance!

[Asker]

I love your input. I want to be more whimsical about all this. I'm afraid of suffocating the joy of the relationship due to my desperation.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try therapy. It might help in some ways to overcome this.

[Asker]

I'm seriously considering it. The irony is that I'm a therapist, and so is he.

[Opinion Owner]

Therapist also need therapy as well.

[Asker]

Precisely why I'm considering it!!

[Truthatanycost]

I thought therapists had compulsory therapy as part of their job. The ones I knew had this anyway.

[Asker]

Maybe in your state? Not mine, though.

[Anonymous]

10 days?😆😆😆

Good luck. You're going to need it.

[Asker]

Fr fr

[Asker]

I guess I should probably clarify that we've been interested in each other since November of last year, so a good 6 months. But we only really got to romantically talking outside of a professional setting 2 months ago. And only became official 10 days ago haha. I was basically serious about him from the moment we slept together, though, which was a month before that.

[BarryLiverstone]

Did he ask you for a committed relationship?

[Asker]

He did ask me to be his girlfriend. Some time after mentioning he wouldn't mind being single forever, if left with no other choice, for fear of the repercussions of a failed relationship.

[BarryLiverstone]

That’s not showing much confidence from his end. Had you not been so desperate you may have said no.

But here you are. The best way to make him feel secure is to show him that he needs you. Go ahead and talk to him about short term (1-3 month) goals that he has and how you can help. Then do your best to help him succeed. Once he sees that his life is much better with you in it he will feel more emotionally connected to you and his masculinity should become more prevalent.

Makes sense?

[Asker]

I'm grateful for this advice! I think it's a great idea. In some senses, I am already supporting very short term goals (investing time in supporting his hobbies). He's putting in effort, too, to move past his commitment issues.

He's mentioned that previous relationships were of a very different nature than with me. His first never wanted to put a label on them, and his second was purely physical. He has also commented that things feel more emotionally connected with me. Hope that bodes well!!

On the other hand, he also said he's never told a woman he loves her. Gosh, that lingers in my mind sometimes.

[BarryLiverstone]

See? It’s already got potential. Keep putting in that effort, plan a surprise date or gift for him to show your appreciation, and be sure to keep relying on your support system (friends and family) for issues so that your time on dates with him are joyful and memorable.

But also remember he may not be the perfect guy for you so make sure you hold him accountable and don’t become clingy

[Asker]

In terms of him not showing confidence... I see what you mean. He did tell me, though, when he asked me to go steady, that in imagining never seeing me again or knowing I might find another man, he realized he wanted to put a label on us.