Is it selfish for a guy to be absolutely repulsed by step fatherhood but absolutely want biological kids?

Question

I've seen men are mostly biologically selfish. How come it makes such a grand diffence who's the kid's father, as long as the mother is a good SO to you. Funny thing is, guys complain that single moms have kids as their major priorities and don't have enough time for romance... When actually, it's true for most women with kids, unless in future with your SO you don't see yourself having them.

N : if you don't want kids whatsoever, this question is not for you.

abc3643 · Accepted Answer

No, because it is a biological imperative with deep instinctive roots.

Many mammalian males are evolved to solve problems... to work toward keeping himself and his "family" alive. Resources - food, water, life energy, etc. - a finite and so they have to be intelligently expended to accomplish that goal.
In short, while females may be responsible for making the next generation and, initially, keeping offspring alive, males are evolved to instinctively make it their responsibility to keep the whole thing going... making sure that females can do their job.

Now, males instinctively recognize that resources are not infinite and so a sort of triage needs to be done to best keep the family functional and, sometimes, that means making uncomfortable choices.

OK, now, here's the real answer to your question...

Every male realizes the possibility that he might have kids. So, his instincts are to protect his resources for that possibility. To varying degrees in each male and in each species, males may be focused primarily on their own offspring and are less inclined to assist keeping alive some OTHER male's offspring - after all, that's HIS job! And, an even deeper part of us understands this about evolution: "Dude! If you don't do your fucking job to keep your kids alive, then Nature should take its course with your children dying and thus your genes being removed from the gene pool. This means that irresponsible guys like you will fade away, while the responsible ones will raise kids who will be responsible. This is in the best interests for the species."

On a tangent, here's an example to keep in mind: male felines will kill the offspring of other males. Why? His offspring and those of the other male are competing for the same resources to stay alive. Kill his offspring and your's has a better chance of survival
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That said, I don't want to come across as cold.
I am a step-father and have no kids of my own.
And many men, as humans are more social - certainly moreso than felines - because we are evolved that cooperation keeps us alive better than not, so looking out for each other is a bit stronger in humans.

That said, I had a friend - a former friend - who married his girlfriend 3 weeks after I got married.
Within a few years, it was discovered that his wife could not have kids.
He could not deal with it; he had to have HIS OWN. She let him go and they got divorced.
I was furious. I was like "Dude! Your wedding vows include 'in sickness and in health' not 'only if you can squirt out my baby!". His ex-wife was my friend for a few years before I knew him, so I was really pissed and de-friended him on Facebook - the first time I ever did that.

==========
Anyway, to answer your question:
Is it selfish?
No
It is deeply instinctive for many men.
That said, many men can override that instinct because of the other social instincts which evolved later which focus on survival of the next generation.
That's like me - I have no kids, but I am here to help the next generations get through this shit.

Man-O-Metal · Accepted Answer

Think about what you're asking of him, a single guy who doesn't have kids. You would be adding one person to your life. He would be adding you plus x amount of kids you bring with you. You've already had the time to adapt to this drastic life changing experience. Now you're asking him to drop everything and do the same instead of dating, meeting your parents and extended family, getting married, and THEN starting a family. Just because you made decisions that caused your life to skip over dating, meeting the family, getting married, and going straight to kids doesn't mean you can scold a man for not wanting to do the same. Plus, for men who do want their own kids, it's very special to be a witness to the birth of their very own. If he commits to you while wanting his own biological kids, and you're done having kids, then you rob him of that beautiful experience.

- Please bare in mind that I am only referring to the type of scenario I've just discussed and I realize that there are tons of other possible contributing factors to how the woman became a single mom. My answer is pertaining to the question asked and not the inifite list of possible life scenarios involving a single mom looking for a SO.

annabananna · Accepted Answer

Being in a blended family dynamic can be difficult and it’s definitely not for everyone! There is a chance the other bio parent is jealous and tries to turn the kids away from the step parent causing friction between the two. Most kids want their two parents to be together so even if the bio parent isn’t actively turning the child against the step parent they sometimes still harder misplaced anger towards the step parent. Also, you will likely still have to deal with your significant others ex on a frequent basis which is not for everyone and if the two can’t be cordial it’s a lot of drama. There’s a reason getting married into a blended family has a higher divorce rate. There are more potential stressors and someone has to decide if that is something they are up for or not. If someone doesn’t think it’s something they can handle they shouldn’t do it just because they have feelings for the person. It wouldn’t be fair for the kids.

Aerissa_Jade · Accepted Answer

Some women do the same, my first child, needs to be your first child.

Often it has little to do with the children and more to do with priorities. As someone who already has kids is never going to give the other person priority.

That is hard on a relationship as who wants to be with someone where your not the priority?

It is easier if the kids are both of yours, as then that way you made them together and have your priorities.

Regardless if men are repulsed by it or not, that is their choice and I don't know any women that would want to be with someone who repulsed by her kids. Although I do know some step dads who basically said they aren't my kids, you can continue to raise them but I will have nothing to do with them.

Guy13 · Answer

Why do you find it foreign for a man to not want to be a step-dad. I find it odd that the man you had baby with does not want to co-parent with you. We have no Seed in this Game scenario in which you are proposing.-And, it is likely we all our Own Seed that we are supporting.

Avicenna · Answer

Oh, sure, I don't see you signing women up to financially support and raise children that aren't theirs. I can't imagine why a guy would care about his own kids more than someone else's. Also, the corollary of what you're suggesting is that men have no parental rights and that the mother can simply decide to take them from the biological father and hand those rights to some other guy. Brings lots of stability, don't you think?

Apple1996 · Answer

It's def a red flag to be repulsed by other people's kids. I wouldn't even be friends with someone who refused to be a step or adopting parent like you either like kids or you don't

USLegionary · Answer

No I don't believe its selfish. I mean being a step father is basically being asked to be financially responsible and help raise kids that are not your own especially when those kids already have a father. I dont think it's unreasonable for a guy to want to have kids of his own with the woman he marries even if she already had kids, it's a sign of commitment.

One thing guys look for when they date single mom's is how they treat the baby daddies. How she treated the baby daddy in the past ie cheating or spending all his money or in the present stopping him from seeing his kids so she gets maximum child support and just to be mean is a good predictor of how the relationship will be with her in the long term, it makes the difference between a serious relationship and somewhere to park the batmobile at night.

If the guy is already a father maybe he doesn't want more kids so that would work out well for him. But what happens to a lot of step dads is they put in years supporting and helping to raise these step kids and even love them like they were their own working hard being a good father husband and privider and then this woman decides she's not happy and ends things and all of a sudden she won't let him see these kids no more and legally doesn't have too but in some states he still has to pay child support to kids that aren't biologically his that he can't see.

If the situations were reversed and the guy had already had kids and the step mom wanted to have kids of her own with her man would thar be unreasonable and selfish? What if you were the step mom in that relationship?

To be perfectly honest most men would be thinking twice about dating seriously a woman with kids let alone having a kid with her.

inhua · Answer

selfish perhaps? but it's absolutely understandable and warranted. people should be allowed to be selfish. there's nothing wrong with that.

men have no obligation to raise someone else's kids just as they are not entitled to raise someone else's kids so why shame them into raising someone else's kids.

why shouldn't a man want to pass his genes on to the next generation? why are we forcing him to be contempt with another man passing on his genes and abandoning his responsibilities? (granted that it could be the mother who has taken full custody of the kids away from the real father). women wouldn't want to raise someone else's kids unless they chose to adopt but they can always choose to have their own kids (as long as they are still fertile). men do not have this option as the woman decides whether the man can be a father or not either she chooses to abort or not.

even then, to become a step-father requires marriage and given that 60% of marriages end in divorce, the step-father would be forced to pay child support for those kids who aren't his.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

I'll tell you a little secret:
Most men don't even want biological kids. They're a lot of work and they take up a lot of time and money. The only reason they agree to the idea is because those children are THEIR OFFSPRING. They are literally a partial copy of themselves. This creates a sentimental bond. You love this little person because they are basically you. It's like reincarnation, except you can actually see it happening and take part in the process. You can help train them to be a better version of yourself and go further than you have gone (if you are a good teacher and they are a good student.). That is the whole point of reproducing: raising the next generation of yourself.

(Yes, of course your children are going to have their own identities. Don't worry; I completely understand that fact and I hope that no one assumes that I'm dismissing it.)

So anyway, my point is the only logical reason that a man would expend his resources to raise a child is if it's his own child.

SnowedIn · Answer

I think it is selfish, mean, disappointing, and sad. Yes, I get it, that's their right and their self-awareness, etc. but that doesn't make it any less sad. I'm blessed to have my own four kids and their still-born sister, but if I were in the position where I loved another woman and she had children, then those kids would be "mine" if they'd let me be dad.

You do make a point in your post about single moms being busy with kids -- I think that's a true statement. I think that's shitty if a man uses that as an excuse and it doesn't necessarily have to prevent that mom from dating or having relationships, but having the kids does add logistics to her life.

But, to your question: yeah, selfish of a guy.

Onlyonceatime · Answer

It's because we will be forces to become a resource provider by the government to support the single mom even if we don't like or never agree to take off their kids.

Also, I will not be a cuckold taking care of another man's kids. My ex-girlfriend made some lawyer take care of my kids, and I dont have to pay anything.

I only date women with no kids. I am not becoming a cuckold just for a woman with baggage and drama.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/BJJ5Z_5lllw

wingattebaby16 · Answer

tbh, most guys don't have an issue with the step kids.

it is the Ex that is the problem often.

and a lot of times, the stepkids hate his guts for "taking their mom away". some of these kids are horrible little brats and really need a father with a strong hand for disciple to learn to be properly behaved kids.

Single moms often let their kids get away with shit, or worse, the dad gives in to sabotage the mom. It also works the other way, but this question is about Guys being Step dads.

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

Co-parenting is a nightmare even for biological parents. When someone is introduced to children with whom they have no biological or legal custody, and none of the rights and responsibilities of meaningful parenthood, it’s literally a shakedown by the biological parent to expect their significant other to be completely accepting and fully involved. This especially true when the OTHER biological parent is still involved. Parenting 3-ways are guaranteed to fail. So for interlopers, it’s just best to stay away from single parents, unless they LOVE losing fights and breaking up.

RagnarRedbeard · Answer

It makes a difference because the bond is stronger if the kid is our own than if it’s another man’s kid. We’re more willing to sacrifice more (working harder/longer hours to provide, less free time, less freedom, more responsibility) for a kid of our own because he’s our blood relative, whereas another man’s kid isn’t.

A lot of kids naturally think like this too. They don’t bond with step-parents the way they do with biological parents, unless their bio parents are real pieces of shit.

I can’t see any reason to other than desperation.

MrOracle · Answer

In the animal world, mammals often kill the offspring of the previous male when they take over the relationship. Why? Because there is a strong, deep instinctual drive for the male to save his finite resources for his own offspring. Is it selfish when lions or wolves do this?

Women used to be taught how important it was to choose a quality man to reproduce with, and her family (and his) would usually be involved in the process. Today, women sleep with men based solely on their (ever-changing) emotions, and have children with men who they know aren't father material or don't want kids, and then they get upset when other men don't want to rescue them from their bad outcomes, at great financial cost and with zero authority. The guy can spend years bonding and paying for another man's child, only to have her leave or bar access to them for any reason and he has no recourse. In some states, he can even be on the hook for child support. Why would a man risk that?

Nomina · Answer

Even if it is selfish, it's what they want and they have every right to want that. They know what they want for themselves and what would make them happy and don't want to compromise on that.

Sometimes, people are allowed to be selfish. I think this is an okay kind of selfish.

Smoothing · Answer

It all comes down to accountability and responsibility.

I don't think it is selfish for guys to repulsed by the idea of being a step father. I think it is selfish for a woman to think they deserve a man to be the father of their child when he had nothing to do with bringing the children in the world. It is a very unfair deal especially if you look into how much men have to deal with when looking after a family.

Weapon77 · Answer

No, it's natural. It's instinct. Evolution programmed us to want children and not raise another man's children. It's awful if the guy is an asshole about it, but there's nothing selfish about it inherently. Widows with kids are usually an exception for some reason.

Adaeva · Answer

Your bias is obvious. Typically stepfathers don't show favoritism but far too often stepmother do. I'm not claiming it is common but a primary problem with stepfathers is they may be sexually attracted to their step daughters.

However, you are correct that many men favor relationships with single girls over single mothers.

Kaneki05 · Answer

Oh 100% this ain't even a question. Even Animals in the wild take care of other animals babies every now and then.
Granted you maybe a snake and think oh a yummy snack. But hey if you wanna be compared to a snake then declare yourself not selfish I will just laugh.

David_Kek · Answer

I've seen no shortage of single mum complain on this site and others how hard it is to find a guy that will settle down with them, and every single time i or someone else suggests they find a single father, they invariably say they don't want to take care of another mans kids, yet they expect a man to take care of hers.
This biological selfishness goes both ways.

MikeInHawaii · Answer

It might depend on the age of the child and status of the father, too. If the father is deceased or totally out of the picture, and the child is still a toddler, a man could be accepted as “dad” by the child. If it’s a teenage and he’s husband #4, probably not. Also, if the mom slept with a total loser, I don’t need him visiting the kid every two weeks to remind me of that.

PizzaPieMamaBear · Answer

Not at all! Why raise someone else’s kids spend your time/energy/money on someone else’s kids when you can have your own! Look if you want to that’s fine that’s your choice but I certainly understand not wanting to do that.

Is it selfish for a guy to be absolutely repulsed by step fatherhood but absolutely want biological kids?

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