Men, are you honest about how you feel about your partners appearance?

[Anonymous]

One thing I’ve struggled in the past two relationships I’ve been in is that both men have had really skinny exes, I’m talking extremely underweight. With the guy I’m with now his exes were severely underweight and my body type is fit, I’m size small, but I’m definitely not underweight. Even though he says he loves how I am now since I look fit and healthy instead, I can’t help but think he’d rather me be thinner like his exes since he dated them. When I bring it up he says he loves how I look and that they were sickly looking but I still can’t get over that feeling. What should I do? Does he actually mean it?

[DaveJord]

Honestly this sounds to be more about your own insecurities then anything he did or is doing. You have no real and legitimate reason to not take him at his word.

I have dated and been married to women who have struggled throughout the relationship with the same type of problems. It's not that they were unattractive people, it's that they did not feel they were attractive enough to be with me. I fell that I did all I could to elevate their concerns, but in the end, I really started to resent these feelings. The more frustrated I became the more insecure they became within the relationship.

So, what should you do, well you need to find a way to resolve these feelings of doubt that you are having. Because I assure you that you probably are projecting some degree of insecurity upon him without realizing it. These repressed feelings you are having, will have a negative impact and undermine your relationship.

As far as him really meaning it or not? Well, you honestly have no reason not to believe exactly what he is telling you. Over time if you continue to reject his feeling about, then you are literally devaluing how he feels about you. Over time he will develop his own anxieties about it and may start to see you as you seem to see yourself.

So, if you care about him, I would embrace him, and make sure he knows how much you value what he thinks of you... and how happy he makes you. And find a way to move past these feelings you are having.

[Asker]

Thank you i needed to hear this

[DaveJord]

No problem, and good luck to you!!! :)

[quaranta]

I think he actually means it. The fact he got a relationship with them is most likely not because of their weight, I mean, he is probably giving a lower priority to weight than what you think, and started a relationship with them over romantic feelings, sweetness, etc. Do you think he selected you only because of your weight? No. Are you not capable of providing anything else of valuable in this relationship than your body? I hope not.
Probably he is valuing you as a whole, not as a body only, and when it comes to sexuality most guys are very tolerant about anything, they get along with any female shape as long as it's common enough and as long as sex is good. Only teenagers set up their "types", and that's because they don't have enough experiences.

Second thing: a guy must feel safe to express his opinions, if you want his honest opinions. If he tends to be honest in general but you got triggered over something in the past about his opinions, got offended etc, then he learnt he has to walk on eggshells before expressing opinions about you and might sugar-coat them. The more you are anxious, the more you force him to be less freely honest. Try preserving this space because it usually doesn't get fixed anymore: once he learns what he has to be careful about and doesn't want to repeat the consequence (you getting mad etc), he remembers that. And will remember that for very long. So don't crumble this more and more in case you are doing it, it's a precious "zone" that is easy to damage, extremely difficult to recover.

[Anonymous]

I understand this struggle so much. I grew up skinny like really skinny and I still have my fast metabolism. I had to gain weight like I wasn't healthy. I wasn't starving myself I found out years later it was because I grew up in a stressful traumatizing environment at home. I guess that kept me from gaining weight, really interesting. Once I got into working out, lifting weights and eating a lot I eventually gained the desired weight I wanted. I was like you fit and small and then you create an eating disorder. At least I did by force feeding myself. Then body dysmorphia but getting obsessed with your appearance and you find it's never good enough. No matter how many gains you achieve it's not good enough and you always still find yourself feeling self-conscious even when you do really look good. So what I would like to say is, it's all in your head. You feel that way because it's not good enough for you. But men are really easy to please they don't need the most amazing impossibly hard things to make them happy. I feel that may be reserved only for women. If your boyfriend says he likes your body and you look beautiful, don't look into it trying to find a problem. Accept that you are beautiful that your body is beautiful, is that really hard for you to believe? You are amazing, own it. Try not to be overly self-conscious needing reassurance often. That can be taxing on your boyfriend and it could put a strain your relationship. Force away these feelings and love yourself!

[Guy13]

Hell no, are you kidding me?-Talk about the wrath of God !! Don't quit there as you are on a roll so go for the Trifecta... Go ahead and throw in age, weight, and drivers license for confirmation too.

I have never seen a lightening bolt originate from its typically ending point and proceed to burn through sheetrock, roofing, and exterior glass paneling before... Please, I beeseech you to not do this in high rise Downtown, City Park, or near Airport.

[coachTanthony]

With or without makeup?

[Asker]

I just mean body-wise. I have fairly clear skin tbh

[coachTanthony]

Men love women who are all different shapes and sizes. If he is a good guy then he means it. What you are saying basically that all he cares about is physical appearance when you think the way you are about his exes. Hopefully there is more to this guy then just that.

[Asker]

It’s complicated since the original way we met was him seeing me through his friend and we decided to h/u and I didn’t think it would go any further once he had to go back to work but we reconnected months later and actually had real feelings. It’s hard for me to not think about the physical when that’s one of the foundations that started our relationship

[Emogirl999]

I'm struggling with a similar problem. My boyfriends ex was skinny and his "type" is skinny/fit girls, but I'm a little chubby, I'm not fat but I have a little bit of a belly.

My boyfriend says he loves me as is, that he finds me very attractive and whether I decided to get fit or not he would still find me attractive no matter how my body looked.

I want to believe him and I partly do but because of my insecurities I feel like he will like me more if I get into shape and become more like the girls he likes. I know it's stupid and he does accept me as is but honestly getting into shape isn't the worst thing I could do.

[Asker]

That’s how it’s been with the last couple men I’ve dated, I used to be overweight in high-school so the guys I dated either didn’t have girlfriends before me or did actually like thicker girls but once I lost a-lot of weight the guys who went after me changed drastically. I was average with a little chub when I’d was with my ex boyfriend and felt super insecure since he was the same with liking skinny/fit girls and would call other girls cute a lot, he also never really seemed into my body. The guy I’m with now is way better and seems to only have eyes for me but I still feel insecure from the things my ex had said and since he also has a type for girls on the smaller side I feel like I’ll never be enough even though I’m quite slim now. I’m just trying to learn to accept it and realize that he wouldn’t be with me if he wasn’t attracted to me since he’s really good looking, tall and strong, he has a-lot going for him, yet he still chose to be with me. It also really helps me with saving messages and stuff where he says he loves my body since I get insecure a lot

[Emogirl999]

I also save some of my boyfriend's messages and read over them again when I start to feel insecure about something. It's a good reminded, I just wish I could feel secure enough about myself that I wouldn't need reminders. I dont want my insecurities to push my boyfriend away because he is one of the best things that's happened to me and I really love him. Right now I just need to learn to love myself.

[RangerBlue22]

Most men know how extremely sensitive women are when it comes to this. Women have trained us to say white lies or keep our mouths shut. The most classic example is when a woman asks “do I look fat in this outfit?” It’s a damned if you do damned if you don’t question. Really unfair to ask.

[Belgie]

I care more about her being comfortable in her skin. I find that self assuredness far more attractive than any particular body shape. A skinny model who is constantly needing reassurance is hella annoying, and way less attractive than a large girl who is confident in her sex appeal. She'll fuck you with the lights on and eat cheesecake after. Tell me that's not sexy.

[Anonymous]

Why the fuck do you (and quite a few women) ask a question and even get the best possible answer, and then wonder if it was honest? WHY ASK if you're already convinced the answer is yes, I'd prefer you thinner and sicklier looking?
" he says he loves how I am now since I look fit and healthy" - He said that.
" I can’t help - Yes you can ! "but think he’d rather me be thinner like his exes since he dated them" -- even though he's told you they looked sickly?

The problem is your own fears and insecurity. You're afraid of losing him because you don't look like his exes, which is so dumb because - they're his EXE's, and you're WITH HIM!! Don't project your fears onto this poor guy who loves you the way you are! Geeeez.

[AMS700CX4u2]

I think you would be wise to accept his current comments on your body habitus. If you continue Its going to turn into "Does this dress make me look fat" which is suicideTO respond to. How can you win. No could mean it's not the dresses fault you look fat. Yes, turns into "You think I look fat"? (DELIVERED AT MAX VOLUME WITH COPIOUS SALIVATIONS FLYING through THE AIR.. Dear, just take it at face value after all he is with you, right.

[Ironic_Method]

I am, but many men aren't. It gets me in trouble sometimes but at least they know I'm always telling the truth.

As someone who has dated very petite women and fit women... he probably likes your body just fine. Sad to hear him say negative things about his exes, though.

[Anonymous]

Yes. But no. Yes some men are honest. While some aren’t if they know she gets her feelings hurt easily. I know if I see a hot chick I may make a negative remark like man her hair is nasty but in reality I do that because I know my girl knows I see her. So to keep her from getting upset cause she feels like she doesn’t look as good as she used to, I will act as if I’m disgusted by another girl I find attractive.

[Anonymous]

Him saying they were sickly looking is a red flag. So he was dating them and not attracted to them physically? I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't find you physically attractive. I'm not saying you're not. All I'm saying is how could someone who's in a relationship with someone say something bad about their appearance? Even if it's your ex. Like dude you chose them? You chose someone who's sickly looking to you? Someone who you find physically repulsive? People like him are weird.

[Jamie05rhs]

Let's conduct a thought exercise here: What if he secretly preferred for you to be thinner; but he accepts you as you are, and he loves you. Would you throw away a good relationship because of your insecurities?

[Asker]

I don’t know I’d be worried about being left or cheater on later on for a thinner woman plus if he did think that i would like to lose more weight for him. It don’t need to lose more weight now but it wouldn’t kill me

[Jamie05rhs]

He's not going to leave you or cheat on you unless he's a player or a cheater. That's a character issue. That has nothing to do with your body or what you look like. That's about what's in his heart.

[Jamie05rhs]

And maybe he doesn't want you to loose more weight. Maybe he secretly thought those other chicks were too skinny, but he just never told them because he didn't want to hurt their feelings.

[Twalli]

He probably prefers slim girls, which you are. Don't become unhealthily skinny just because you think he will like you more.

[rienna888]

I feel like your man is being honest. Because most people are attracted to healthy weight individuals. I know I wouldn’t want my partner to be too skinny or overweight.

[AdithyaR]

I am honest.
And by honest I mean i would not lie to her. Meaning i wouldn't go out of my way to say something mean in the name of being "honest"

[FilmGuy93]

I am very honest, yeah. I genuinely think my girl is one of the sexiest women alive, and easily the sexiest I've ever laid eyes on.

[Alwayreckles93]

You got lucky he is sweet and caring I had guys tell me why do you dress up so much.

[dustybiker]

He’s told you he loves how you look.

Stop there.

Trust him.

[spartan55]

What you should do is stop bringing it up, unless you want to drive him away.

[boggboss]

Trusting him would be a good idea and boy thinking he is lying

[DrBanana]

I would be honest but never in a nasty way of you ask for my honest opinions I’ll do my best to deliver as a person.

[Anonymous]

Some men have a type but many are not that choosy. I'd guess he doesn't really care and is trying the truth. So chill. I'm sure you're lovely.