Did this really cost me or is there still a chance?

[eyeameye]

My relationship before last really brought out the worst in me. Won't get into specific details but initially she was the abuser until one day I got tired of it all and began retaliating. Things would often get physical after that. Eventually I decided to end it. I have never been that kind of person before. My whole life it was all about a man should never hit a woman. I am still ashamed, disgusted, and not sure if I'll ever forgive myself. Then I met D. She was the one. You know.. the one I have been looking for my whole life. Match made in heaven. I have never met anyone who I could so clearly envision a future with. I am and probably always will be hopelessly and irrevocably in love with her. One thing we had in common was our previous relationship. We talked at length about our former abusers and it was as though we were describing the exact same person. It was uncanny. The only difference being... He beat the shit out of her and put her in the hospital, whereas when my ex tried that it didn't work out so well for her. I recently opened up more to her about my experience, going into greater detail about specific incidences. It was therapeutic as the events were all quite traumatic for me, even when I was the one being physical. Call it an identity crisis if you will. This was stuff I really needed to get off my chest and I thought D was the one person in the entire universe I could be so open and vulnerable with in regards to these things. Turns out I was wrong. She broke up with me yesterday. She went out with her sister on their birthday (they are twins) and after she left I got a text from her explaining that she is scared of me now and she would appreciate it if I was gone when she came home. I am completely devastated. She brought out the best in me... I would never hurt her... But I do understand where she is coming from. My question is... Is this salvageable at all? What should I do? I don't know what to do.

[SueShe]

People are willing to forgive and forget a lot of things but domestic violence is unfortunately not one of them.

It is part of your character, of whom you are. It is an intrinsic part of yourself and getting rid of this sleeping violence is something that cannot be achieved alone or then, with great difficulty.

The only way I would see that you can try to redeem yourself is to contact her (if she does not shut you out) and tell her how you feel and that you are willing to do something to better yourself.

You can suggest that you will seek counseling and that you wish her to accompany you. That would be the best proof that you are willing to help yourself. By being honest about your issue and by including her in your therapy, you may have a chance but otherwise, I don't think you will be able to convince her. Good luck.

[SueShe]

Thanks for the MHO

[eyeameye]

You're welcome. This is very hard for me. This whole ordeal makes me feel like I am some kind of monster but I know I'm not. I've been abused by my partners my whole life and I've never done anything about it. I guess the last time it started happening I decided I had had enough and it was time to stand up for myself. So instead of just taking it all when she yelled I yelled back. If she pushed me I pushed back. You can see where this is going. It was probably unfair to her because it wasn't just her I was retaliating against, it was every abuser. I am typically a peaceful person. I am very agreeable and not violent at all. At this point I have determined that I just can't handle the abuse anymore and if it ever starts happening again then I just need to leave. I thought D would understand that. I don't know what I was looking for when I opened up to her. Maybe some sort of sympathy or understanding. Maybe some sort of acknowledgement that she would never hurt me like any of the women before me have. Instead she made me feel worse. More guilty, more ashamed, more disgusted with myself than before. She won't even talk to me. She will read messages but not respond. Thursday she is amazed by me, saying no one has ever treated her and her kids so well, and we are fantasizing about our future together. Talking about what we will name our children. Friday she asks me to leave and still hasn't even said goodbye. She won't even tell me goodbye. She won't talk about it. It's like I don't even exist anymore and I have never felt so heartbroken. I have cried so much over this and I don't know what to do. I guess move on. My confidence for the future has been shattered, though. I feel like if she of all people wouldn't accept me, then who will? I feel unlovable.

[SueShe]

What you can do is write her a letter, so emotional as you have ever been. Explain in your words how you feel about having lost her and that you are ready to do whatever it takes to mend what you broke.

Writing a letter is different because it is easier to put emotions and writing (hand writing) a letter also indicates that you take the time to do something so personal as to write a letter.

It is not a warrant of success but the old fashioned ways sometimes work miracles. Good luck.

[ironmidget]

First thing. Now that she see you as a potential threat. Do not come on to strong. Back off a bit.
I would say to show her more of your vulnerable emotion or side to you. Allow her to have more of the control at this point just be open and talk to her about how you’re feeling, so in my opinion I think there is a chance if you show her that you are not a threat to her but there is a very thin line Between being persistent and overbearing
The last thing you want is for her to feel disrespected, or that you were being aggressive in your approach. However, try not to get your hopes up too much because in my experience, when a woman makes up her mind about some thing is very difficult to change her mind. I wish you good luck.

[Guy13]

You follow her directions exactly. You communicate once about two weeks after you are fully out and have not spoken. Get your stuff out and get moved, settled, chilled, and in a position to be considered for friendship. Right now, you are trying to get into the FriendZone...

[Iron_Man]

You can try the best you can try to go to counseling with her. Try to work it out.

[Anonymous]

Nah, it sounds like you blew it.