I don't want my boyfriend to have female friends. Am I selfish?

[rosynante]

I get jealous when I see my boyfriend with her female friends. So, I don't want him to have female friends. Am I selfish? Girls, do you feel the same?

[lovenonstop]

Depends. Have you met these female friends? Do you have a relationship with them?


If they are just friends he would want to help build a healthy friendship between you and these girls so you wouldn’t have to worry about something happening between them.


My boyfriend was excellent at introducing me to his friends and having us build a friendship where I hang out with them without him. Given most of them aren’t the best looking but he was open and included me so I never had to worry about anything. Had all the trust in him because of it and truly thought he would never cheat on me especially since we both had past issues with cheating.

I wasn’t the best at being open because of my past (not that I was hiding anything) but I just never had good experiences with guys I dated being okay with me having guy friends because they always say they are only friends with me because they want to get into my pants. I tried to be as open and honest where I was comfortable as well but it wasn’t good enough and he always accused me of keeping/hiding things from him and there was one time I lied to him about my past with a good guy friend (was only a guy friend that almost had sex with but didn’t get that far, we were drunk and lonely one time and seeked comfort in each other and this was WAY before me and my boyfriend started dating) I was ashamed and wanted to leave it in my past and he forced me to tell him and he always held it over my head that I lied at first. So he never fully trusted me and when I would try to open and tell him things he would get an attitude or act jealous.

5 years down the road of being together, had babies and after having them is when I found out he had been cheating on me for the past 2 years. Tried to say he didn’t go looking for it, our relationship wasn’t doing good and because of me never opening up made him feel like he did in his past relationships. Also, tried to say that him and the girl just started out as friends but didn’t want to introduce us because she wasn’t ugly and knew I would get jealous. Now I don’t even like him talking to any girl at all because he’s a friendly charismatic person who people drift too.. so it makes me insecure and jealous now when before I felt confident that he only had eyes for me so I never worried about that before.

[Usernamesuck]

I agree every time i have male friends they catch those other feelings 🙄 🤷🏻‍♀️ so yes if I cared about our relationship being just us I wouldn’t be comfortable with him having female friends either.

[CubsterShura]

You don't want him to have female friends because YOU get jealous... You're 35 not 15!!

I'm saying this as someone who has been cheated on before: someone who cheats, will cheat regardless of how much you control him. If I have to go great lengths to make sure that he stays with me, then the relationship is not meant to be. If my man can get swayed by a female friend... I don't want him. She can have him.

Hypothetically he may stop making female friends. What next? You will be envious at female servers helping him out? Female co-workers talking to him? Female strangers asking him for favors? He's a grown man, will he ever stop interacting with half of the world population at an instant?

Look around. You will ALWAYS find women who are hotter, smarter, friendlier than you. So will he. Stopping him from having female friends won't stop him from that. So will you see other men who are hotter and smarter and richer than your boyfriend.

If avoiding friends of the opposite gender is important to you for religious values or whatever other reason, that is a fair enough boundary that you should communicate with your partner before you start dating and you do the same. But you seem like you need a lot of self-reflection.

[kellytd]

So long as you aren't being a hypocrite about it, I think it's reasonable. Many people are saying you need to trust him more and be more secure in yourself. While I would agree with that, you can't help how you feel. If he really cares about you, maybe he shouldn't put you in that sort of position. It's something you really need to talk with him about. Think before you speak, and don't let yourself become too emotional, desperate, or antagonistic. In his defense, are these women people he's been friends with since before you got together? He might not be willing to let go of long-term friendships for a new relationship- and I would certainly side with him. However, if he's getting too friendly with a coworker or someone who obviously has deeper feelings for him, he needs to realize the position he's putting you in. Two people can't be friends if one of them has anything more than platonic feelings for the other.

[lightbulb27]

You are possibly being reasonable within the confines and security of your relationship. It may be you are projecting your insecurity onto him.

There are ways to mange both sides, but you need to evaluate the feelings and meaning to the feelings.

In general, he can protect the relationship and your feelings by how he behaves and communicates about you so that you are positioned high and the other women are kept at an emotional distance.

In general... this stuff can create a mess and other women can trash your relationship, so you are on point in regards to concern because guys are, in general, stupid... until they are aware the risks and games women play.

[AviatorTom]

Yes, you are being selfish and controlling. Don't you have any Male friends? There is nothing wrong with a guy having female friends.

[SteveSmith1985]

Beyond selfish. Unreasonable. Be careful... I'd leave you for this. He might too.

[serious]

Well, honestly yes you are being selfish here. There is nothing wrong if he wants to have female friends but yes you can have a discussion and set your boundaries, make it clear to him that these boundaries must be respected.

For eg, he should not flirt with them (obvious). He should not give them too much time, more than what he gives you ( meaning you should be top priority).

If you have your concerns talk to him and come to a mutual understanding. After that you should learn to trust him.

[mobiusforniner]

Years ago I'd say yes, you are selfish. But as I've grown older, the number of friends in my life have reduced and whom I consider my CLOSE friends I can count on one hand.

From my experience, CLOSE friendships of the opposite sex are a bad idea. I had a very close female friend. My wife was very suspect of my friend. I too, thought my wife was jealous; but my friend and I eventually engaged in an affair when the opportunity arose.

So, as you can imagine, I do not have any female friends and I've become extremely leery of any female approaching me, no matter how innocent her intent.

[Sleeper07]

No you're not selfish, and it's actually a very valid concern to have. Men and women cannot be friends, there is always going to be a degree of sexual tension between men and women.

You should absolutely communicate that this is your boundary, and if he does not respect it, you should 100% look for someone who will.

Female friends are responsible for high degrees of cheating behavior, and it is well documented in comedic videos where loved ones are put to the test by having their friend call their phone and ask if they would like to netflix and chill without you around.

[Sleeper07]

And if you want to test this theory do it. Have one of his hotter female friends ask him for a netflix and chill in front of you.

[t_time]

I personally think it's OK for my fiancee to have Friends who are women. As long as there has been no romantic feelings for each other. I have met all of his female friends. Some are stunningly gorgeous gym people. Sometimes I'm a little Intimidated by the way they look. But They are all super cool and so nice. I'm trusting him and those woman not cross a line. I trust him. If I didn't I wouldn't be marrying him.

[Sirenboobzilla]

It is selfish. It's something you should talk to him about and work through. Don't get me wrong, if you know deep in your heart that some other woman is after your man, by all means let your rage be known. But to outright ban your boyfriend from having female friends isn't a good thing. You can't control where he is all day every day (not that you should in the first place) and who's around him. I'm sure there's women where he works, where he banks, restaurants he likes to eat at, etc.

[FeelingGroovy]

You're not being selfish, you're expressing your feelings. NEVER compromise your own feelings to make idiots online happy. They don't care about you, they just want to brag about their piety. You do for you.

[midnightmoon05]

When they go out, you should be invited. He needs to speak to you with respect in front of them. That’s how you know if he is a keeper.
so essentially…they are also your friends. Because you two are a couple.
mid he said yiu can’t go out with him and them. Drop him.

[Sour-rose]

Yes. However, there's a thing about being selfish... and being controlling. If you are doing both, you gonna look like a bitch who can't trust your own partner. So if you wanna be selfish, fiiine. But for something like this, you don't wanna do that.

[UniquelyBasic]

It's in your right to request him to not have other female friends but you can't force him. Maybe becoming friends with them may make you feel more at ease. You could also ask him to limit the places he hangs out with them or how they hang out, like not being one on one or at clubs or parties without you. That way he can still have his female friends. Ultimately you have to voice your concerns and if he cares he will at least take it into consideration.

[RavVid]

There is another twist to this. Opposite sex friends can positively help a relationship by telling your partner he was wrong or explaining girls to him again.

I guess you feel jealous or worried there might be some romantic feelings on one side or other but if the female friends had intent then I think you will pick up on that quickly. If you don't pick up anything than let it be.

[NostalgiaSenpi]

If that's the case, give up all your friends. If you can't, take a step back to think about how petty and selfish that is. Most friendships don't have any ulterior motives behind them, that includes opposite and same gender ones. I never formed a friendship with someone I wanted to get with, I made my intentions known and got rejected. That was the extent of the interaction.

[MountAverage]

Selfish is just one of the things you are. You're also possessive and controlling, as well as unreasonable. And all of that because you're clearly very insecure and projecting your own negative thoughts onto him. You have extreme trust issues, but they are your problem, yet you make them his. You're not emotionally mature enough for a relationship, you need to work on yourself.

TL;DR: You're toxic.

[Sasha0426]

You know how exhausting it is to be friends with just the same sex? I like to have a variety of friends if we click well. You can’t force him to have just male friends. Either you need to work on your jealousy or just end your relationship. Those are your only two options.

[Vegasrunner]

@Sasha0426 Lol, she's not being jealous she's being realistic. Women inherently understand that men aren't "friends" with women. She understands that if her boyfriend has options it lowers her leverage. Of she wants to keep this guy she needs to focus on being valuable to him in another way besides sex which is typically all women have to offer. She understands this and knows that he can now get those from other women this is why the answer to the question what do you bring to the table is do important for women to answer.

[Sasha0426]

Then what’s the reason to socialize to make friends?

[Sasha0426]

We’re social creatures. We can’t be friends with JUST the same sex. It’s impossible.

[Sasha0426]

Maybe we all should wear shock collars in case we accidentally get along with someone. We should segregate the sexes in workplaces. What do you think?

[Vegasrunner]

@Sasha0426 Men don't socialize with women to be friends they do it for an attempt to have sex.

[Sasha0426]

@Vegasrunner Well, we’re socializing right now by talking so 🤷‍♀️ But, then again you hate me.

[Vegasrunner]

@Sasha0426 I see your confusion. You're making the mistake that a lot of people make, (women especially) that our motives are the same. You may be on this platform to socialize however I'm on GAG as a form of data collection and to get a better understanding of why women behave the way they do so I can use that information in my day to day life and hopefully help guys navigate the complex mind of women. I was responding to your use of the word "socializing" explaining that 99.9% of men aren't "socializing" w/ women to be friends as women don't really offer much value to men when they are in that role.

[Sasha0426]

@Vegasrunner So you’re saying that every guy I come across wants to fuck me? Like, literally every guy?

[Sasha0426]

And if my guy friends wanted to fuck me, why haven’t they tried anything or said anything? Unless they find me ugly. Which I can see because no guy would want to touch an ugly woman. They would be too repulsed.

[Vegasrunner]

@Sasha0426 I believe you said that. I can't speak for "every guy you come across" because I don't know what types of men you come across, homosexuals, family members, etc. However in general male - female exchanges are transactional. A man is giving you what you desire (attention) in exchange for what he desires (sex).

[Vegasrunner]

@Sasha0426 Excellent question, this is why I say women don't understand relationships. They haven't tried because their afraid of rejection, beta males will try to hang around a girl in the hopes that one day the platonic relationship will turn into something more. It's a very common strategy for guys to do this for years w/o making their intentions known. Have you ever ended up seeing a guy that started out as a friend?

[Sasha0426]

@Vegasrunner Seeing as in dating? No.
I have another question. I’m gonna backtrack a little bit because I just remembered something. I did meet a new guy friend and let’s just say I’ve seen him naked through photos. So…what’s your input on that?

[Sasha0426]

And yes he was the one who sent them on his own. I didn’t ask, he did it himself.

[Sasha0426]

If you need more details, I can message you.

[Usernamesuck]

I wouldn’t say ‘jealous’ but I would think it was weird just because my experience of male friends unless they are gay they have always ended up catching other feelings even if they weren’t single.

[Usernamesuck]

I was never flirty or anything other than basic friendly sometimes I was completely unknowing that they liked me like that until they told me.

[OfMiceandMen]

As long as you swear-off having any guy friends, and as long as he agrees with the terms.

So you would have to drop any existing guy friends you no matter how long you've had them and make no new guy friends. All is fair...

[EmmaMary]

Grow Up and try acting your age for once.

[Starwisper23]

Then it would only be right if he asked you to not have any guy friends. It would be like him controlling you and not even allowing you to be around your cousins your dad or your brothers even coworkers if you dont like the idea of that then yes you would be controlling and abusive.

[MikeUltra]

This does make you selfish. I'm not certain about whether you're looking for suggestions to address this but I'd recommend meeting these friends of his. If you guys get to know each other better, they can also serve as an adequate support system for the two of you.