I only ask because I’m wondering whether to get involved with a divorced man or one who has kids from a previous relationship. I was always open to the idea before but after my last experience I gave to genuinely question whether they’re just not very good at relationships. What are your experiences and thoughts on this? Experience is best as it’s likely more realistic.
How many of you have a happy & healthy long term relationship with someone who’s divorced/has kids with another?
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Opinion
1Opinion
Circumstances matter.
It's not about being divorced or having kids. a lot of life happens to you and not always because of you. It's about who you are in the situation, the choices you make, and decisions you stand behind.
So...
why did his marriage fail?
Did they part amicably?
Who filed for divorce?
What's the custody situation with his kids?
What's his relationship like with his kids?
What's his relationship like with ex?
What's his availability for your relationship?
Does he have a stable career?
How do you fit into his life and he into yours?
How old are the kids?
How would you integrate his kids into your life?
Do you have kids of your own?
Etc...
There is a million things consider. Kids and failed marriages are just a couple of so many things that you can't, or rather you shouldn't, makes decision on those two things alone.
The best I can figure, grit is important.
That’s how I used to think. Bit after dating a divorced man I feel like he’s more damaged than those that aren’t.
I can rationalise it that way too, but my gut is now telling me otherwise, and as much as I’d prefer not to believe it, I’ve learned not to ignore it as it’s usually right.
My sister married a guy who had a 3 year old prior to her and they're on the 12th year and have two kids together. My work mom had 5 kids in her first marriage (I'm the 6th she just won't admit it) and has been with married for 20+ years to a guy who also has 3 kids of his own. My grandparents both had two kids in previous marriages, and although never married to each other, were together for 47 years.
Listen to your gut in any case because when you boil things down, you know whats what as it pertains to you.
I'd simply suggest trying not to get caught up in absolutes... You're ex wasn't a problem because he was divorced with kids. He was divorced with kids because he was a problem.
Circumstances are circumstantial.
You’re right. I’m just not sure the odds are that favourable. Also, I’m talking about happy and healthy long term relationships. Plenty of people stay unhappily married too.
And plenty of married unhappy people are first time parents and spouses. And plenty of people who are not married are unhappy. And most relationships of all types fail.
Who ever told you that you were supposed to be happy anyways? I think you're playing the wrong game. In this game, we all end up dead.
I'm sure it can happen on occasion, but it's very rare. If they are divorced or single parent, there's usually a pretty good reason for it.
How do you know it’s rare?
Because out of the hundreds, if not thousands, of people that I've seen do it over the course of my life, I've only ever seen two or three couples that genuinely seem happy and don't have some sort of awful family situation because of it.
How have you come to see hundreds (yourself first hand) at 23 years old?
Because people do it all the time and I've known thousands of people over the course of 23 years? Math.
I’d say the quality of knowing is pretty poor. You’re not the only one who’s lived.
How much knowing is required to see them end up divorced again, and/or watch the misery in their eyes as their spouse and step children constantly disrespect them? My parents and everyone I know who actually has a decent relationship would have my same views.