What do I do here?

[Anonymous]

Ok, so for starters; My boyfriend (33) has issues with explosive anger. For example, he will be putting together a shelf and every time something falls or shifts, he yells & cusses really loudly and becomes aggressive towards the shelf. Or he goes to jump rope (part of his exercise regimen) and the rope gets caught and it ruins his momentum, he will throw the jump rope and cuss up a storm. If I’m helping him with something and I hold it wrong, he will snatch it from me and say “I’ll just do it myself” The slightest inconvenience with pretty much anything causes him to be a very angry mess. He sulks for awhile afterwards making it feel like I have to walk on eggshells. His dad is exactly the same way too. (I felt it’s relevant to show how much this is apart of his normal life)

Now, I strongly believe the possibility of that bleeding into our relationship. For whenever I ask him questions, or want to address something that hurt me; he then grows very irritated. It’s starts by him aggressively adjusting himself, throwing his phone down, slamming his glasses down all while huffing and puffing. It will then grow to him yelling in my face or resorting what he does any other time he’s mad and go break something.

For some reason though, he thinks that his anger doesn’t exist in our conflicts. He says it’s my tone, or the way I address it although I have detached from my emotions and addressed things very calmly and gentle, nothing works. Why won’t he accept the idea that his anger gets in the way sometimes and he lashes out on me because of it. The simple fact that I have something to be upset about is enough for him to go break something.

Yeah maybe this relationship is doomed, but I don’t throw in the towel easily.. I just don’t know what to do lol. I know nobody has the right answer but someone who shares this anger may have insight? Or someone who has dealt with an angry person? I just need a fresh perspective.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your boyfriend may have some serious issues with anger management, and that his explosive outbursts are affecting your relationship and causing you distress. It's important to remember that you have a right to feel safe and respected in your relationship, and that it's not healthy or normal for your partner to react with aggression and violence towards you or objects in response to minor inconveniences.

It's possible that your boyfriend may not be aware of the extent or impact of his anger issues, or may be in denial about the harm that he is causing. It may be helpful to have a calm and honest conversation with him about your concerns, and to express how his behavior makes you feel.

However, it's also important to prioritize your own safety and well-being, and to set clear boundaries and expectations for how you will and will not be treated. If your boyfriend is unwilling or unable to seek help or make changes to his behavior, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship and seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist.

Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and that seeking help and support is a sign of strength and courage. It's important to take care of yourself and prioritize your own well-being, even if it means making difficult decisions or setting boundaries with those you care about.

[Asker]

Very well put, thank you.
Everything you said has hit home with me.
I hope that over the course of the next few days, He can level with me and figure this out.

Thank you for taking the time to leave an opinion, I genuinely appreciate it.

[Opinion Owner]

You're welcome. It's important to take care of yourself and your well-being in any relationship. He seriously have a lot of anger problems and he needs for that so it won’t get serious for him to not touch you either when you’ve already tried to confront him as calmly as possible to address the matter but he gets agitated and angry. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and don't hesitate to seek out support if you need it. Best of luck to you.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Anger issues don't change overnight and if it's that bad and still perfectly normal to him... it's not going to change and yes it will bleed into your personal life.

I have/had anger issues, but I no longer act out and now view that as childish. I save my rage for when I have to beat some guy's face in with a rock and go hide the body. Now with regular day-to-day stuff, I try to take a step back and cut my emotions out of it completely. "She's saying this and this, where is she right, and where is she wrong? Where am I actually wrong perhaps? How can I communicate the best path of action and back it up with logic and facts, or is she simply right?" <--A very calm non-emotional and very calculative approach to any issue. It leads to better results than me punching holes in the wall and acting like a prison inmate.

I just had flashbacks of the last condo I was renting... during the move-out inspection, the owner was just shaking his head in disbelief. I punched the shit out of all of his walls.

[BrookeAZ90]

If that's what he was raised around and all he knows, he needs professional help dealing with that. There's not going to be anything you can do to fix it. I'd bring up anger management. And when he most likely gets mad about it, you need to plan your escape. You've been too patient with this already. I'd have bailed by now. You owe it to yourself not have to walk on eggshells all the time to avoid a blowup and that seems like it can't be avoided. Minor inconveniences are a fact of life and if he's 33 and hasn't learned how to deal with them maturely by now, professional help with it is his last chance.

[Asker]

I absolutely agree. Thank you.
Getting him professional help is what I really want to do. I know I am by no means capable of helping him myself.

I’m hoping he will have an open mind and get the help he seems to need and maybe learn a thing or two about himself.

If it doesn’t work, then I’ll release myself from the relationship and move on.

[Changiis07]

He def needs anger management classes. It will hep because this is how he has been and his dad is the main example of who he got it from, looks like nothing will change unless he sees something wrong and is willing to, with that said if nothing you have done works then you have to really think if this is the man you want as a husband because it's a lot to deal with walking on eggshells with someone whom you should feel at peace and want to come home to

[Anonymous]

learned behavior he isn't going to change you're better off leaving he's toxic

[Asker]

I feel the truth in this. Very little to none do people at that age change, especially something they’ve been acting on their whole life from what I can only assume since his father is strikingly similar.

Thank you for your opinion. I will keep this in mind.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would you call walking out of a toxic, potentially dangerous, situation throwing in the towel?

[Asker]

Because, it’s not frequent between us. We have more good days than bad. He’s just a flawed person who grew up in an environment that makes him think his actions are normal.
I want the best for him, and I care about him. I want him to get the help he needs from a professional.
The problem is he doesn’t think it’s his anger that escalates things probably because his anger is so normal to him that he thinks it’s not as bad as it may be.

That being said, if I fail at getting him to see what I see, to where he won’t get help to manage himself; I absolutely will leave the relationship. Or if he decides to put his hands on me before then. It’s been 3 years, and I’ve only started learning about this side of him after moving in 6 months ago.

I like to give my best shot before I turn around and run away from something difficult. We all live our lives how we feel is right. I do appreciate your input however.

[Opinion Owner]

25-29 that man is a full adult. You can’t push or force him to get help if he does not want it and you can’t make him see a problem he doesn’t even think exists. If you’re asking what to do, my vote is to leave before it gets worse. But if your resolve is to live your life how you feel is right and stick beside your man, then what’s the point in this question at all? The only option here is professional help that he does not want.

[Asker]

You’re right. He’s 33, fully grown and set in his ways.
He’s never really had any serious relationships, nobody in his life has ever cared enough or maybe haven’t known enough to call him out hence why he’s possibly living in denial.

This is a side I’ve only began discovering as I live with him since I see him at all moments of the day, he can’t hide who he is. I believe I included the reason, but for more clarification for why I asked this, was for insight from someone who shares similar troubles as him, or if someone was on my side of the fence and can offer any productive advice.

I understand I’m putting myself in a risky situation not knowing how far his anger can really take him, but I know my limits and what I can or cannot tolerate. Right now I see a man who is struggling, and I’m the only person that really seems to know how he gets when nobody is around. If he refuses to work with me on it, and doesn’t care to know his impact then I will have no choice but to walk away. He has not outright denied any help, he just doesn’t see that his anger is an issue which is what I’m working on talking with him about.

I just like to exhaust all options before running away. I made a promise that I would be here through the good and the bad and this is the only bad he has shown thus far.

I will keep your opinion in mind though. Leaving is still a strong possibility.

[Opinion Owner]

Trust me, I wouldn’t be saying anything I’ve said if I didn’t get it first hand. I’ve dated two different men with severe anger issues, one of them I’m in a relationship now and have been for over 2 years now. Both men grew up with terrible backgrounds, my current boyfriend being the worst but I won’t get into that, but who they are now is not the same. The difference with the first guy is he would never feel wrong. His behavior almost mirrored your bfs if not worse and he was oblivious to his actions. I stuck around for that before throwing in the towel as you say. The difference with my current boyfriend is that long ago, I shut down the bs very soon. He was willing to absorb what I’d say and work towards changing when he knew I was really not putting up with that, patience aside, there are limits. Now, it’s almost like a 180 has happened. He is a lot better with communication, handling his emotions and getting help.
No one can make you walk away from that relationship but the fact you’ve tolerated him screaming in your face, slamming things, gaslighting, and lord knows what else, that’s probably already further than you thought you’d accept from a man before meeting him. Patience and support is one thing, but abuse comes in all forms and this is taking on the emotional sort. You need to put some boundaries in place or something and be adamant about them, know when to walk away, and not stay because you promised. I hope he sees the light one of these days but don’t feel very confident.