Is this self sabotage or am I justified in my feelings?

[Anonymous]

So I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months. The beginning was great. I was falling in love and very happy. More recently I’ve been noticing things about his behavior. He talks a lot about his job and sports and I feel as though there is little space for me to get in a word. He will talk my ear off an entire dinner and not even realize he did anything wrong. When we first started dating, he would ask me more questions about me and my life. I felt as though the relationship was 50/50. Now, I worry that he wanted love from me and not actually me for who I am. If I try to talk, he will even interrupt me.

Secondly, when we started dating, we had a few drinks socially and it was fun. I knew he smoked weed on occasion and I didn’t have a problem with that. But after a few months I am noticing that he smokes everyday, drinks everyday and he takes Xanax. I did not know these things about him going into a relationship.

We rarely have deep conversations. It’s all sports and his job and I am a very intellectual person. I want someone that will help open my mind and I want to be that person for someone too.

I am starting to become very unhappy in the relationship as I feel like my needs are not getting met and I feel as though I was “tricked” into the relationship not knowing who he really was when I fell in love. He now farts in front of me, does gross boy stuff, and kinda acts like an ass sometimes (slurring his words and falling asleep at 9 pm)

I’ve already had conversations with him about interrupting me and giving me time to say the things I need to say. He is very understanding but I can’t help but still feel upset and tricked into this.

I’ve been in a few unhealthy relationships so I was wondering if these feelings could be self sabotage due to not wanting to be hurt again. Maybe he is struggling. He is a good guy otherwise. Just seems to have some issues but I can’t help but think that those issues are not mine to deal with so why should I? Is this selfish?

[Anonymous]

Based on what you've shared, it sounds like you have valid concerns about your relationship and your needs not being met. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness in any relationship, and to communicate your feelings and needs to your partner.

It's possible that your feelings may be influenced by past experiences and fears of being hurt again, but that doesn't mean that your concerns are not valid or that you are sabotaging the relationship. It's important to trust your instincts and listen to your own needs and feelings.

It's also important to remember that you are not responsible for fixing or changing your partner's behavior. While it's important to communicate your concerns and needs, it's ultimately up to your partner to take responsibility and make changes if necessary.

It may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your concerns and needs, and to see if there are ways to work together to improve the relationship. If your partner is unwilling or unable to meet your needs, it may be necessary to reassess the relationship and consider whether it is fulfilling and healthy for you.

Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship that makes you happy and fulfilled, and that it's okay to prioritize your own well-being and happiness.

[ManOnFire]

So you already talked to him about interrupting you, that's great, I was gonna bring that up before I got to that part. With everything you've said, this guy is soooooooo not worth your time. He's one of those people who puts on a front when you started dating, and then when you went all in, he just started not hiding how gross and sorry he really is. Smoking weed, drinking till drunk, farting around you. This is a case of misery and no, his issues are most definitely not yours to deal with.

Get the hell out of that relationship while you still can. Maybe he is a good guy, I don't know, but being good doesn't mean he's good for a relationship. Don't be like all the other women who will keep going with men like this in the hopes that he'll "change" and then you get married and have kids and he becomes even worse. Cut this guy loose. You have my support.

[HollyK21]

Communication and being receptive is a big deal, so if you’ve already talked to him several times about what’s bothering you and he makes no changes then it’s better to end things now. I usually don’t even make it official with a guy until about 3-4 months in because that time frame is usually about when you start seeing who the guy is without the facade he puts in place in order to gain your trust and affection. So it makes sense that now you’re seeing the real him. Anyway, you seem to have a very clear idea of the sort of man you want, and he doesn’t align with that anymore. Yes it’s upsetting and disappointing but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

It's pretty simple. You don't think he doesn't have a list of things he wish you would change? But this is why in healthy relationships communicate. There's going to be SOME fall off with every guy. Because guys know they have to do the little dance to win a woman over. That doesn't mean just because there's some fall off he doesn't care about you. Either he does and you both need to work on communication. Or he never did, and he didn't dupe you. You simply just can't identify good men then. The excessive drinking, weed and Xanax are all red flags. And the fact that you're OK with it kind of tells me a bit about your quality as well. Good luck, you're going to need it. 😆😆😆

[007kingifrit]

the talking is something you could talk to him about

but the drugs are a deal breaker that you can't fix

i would get out of there