"If you have to ask your partner for something you need, it doesn't count." Do you agree or disagree?

[Still-alive]

Some people think if they “have to” ask for anything, it’s proof that their partner doesn’t really care. And that if they truly cared they would think to do it on their own without being asked.

The thought goes that if you really, really care about someone, you anticipate their needs and desires and meet them without any communication necessary. By the same token, not being a “thoughtful” person is akin to being selfish, cold, and uncaring.

Is this you? Do you wait for your partner to notice the little things you like, or drop hints, silently hoping they’ll “get it”? Do you let a birthday or an anniversary go by, miserably, only to complain the next day? Is there a secret test going on that your partner keeps failing?

I strongly agree. if i have to ask my partner for something it doesn't count. meaning they truly don't care enough

Agree

Disagree

Strongly disagree. Even if i have to ask it can still mean they care. they just show it differently.

I just wanna see results

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

There is a very big difference between asking your partner to help and weaponized incompetence. A lot of men probably don’t even realize they do it, when they just “default” all household chores or tasks onto their partners who want to keep a clean living space, no dishes piled up in the sink, no floors that crunch under your feet, etc.
There are so many heterosexual relationships where men just don’t do anything without being asked, not realizing that they’re putting the burden of managing the house on the shoulders of their wives, who can build up a resentment over their seeming lack of care towards living comfortably and maintaining it. It’s frustrating to have to constantly ask someone “hey, can you do this?” Whenever something has started to pile up or started getting dirty and there is a visual sign of it that they can both see but one does not feel the urge to maintain and take care of it like the other does. It’s not about anticipating needs, it’s about recognizing responsibilities and taking care of it so they can have a place in the house, to share the burden as a way to show they both care about their environment and the person they share it with. Asking for something is not an inherent sign that they don’t care, but if you have to ask over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over when they should be able to recognize the problem just as easily as their partner does, it’s frustrating.

[Razp_Sorbet]

I guess I agree to a certain extent. A partner shouldn't have to ask to be surprised with something they like, shouldn't have to remind you of anniversaries or special days. But communication is key, if you have never gotten eachother anniversary or valentines gifts and suddenly you want to do that you can't just expect it to happen without talking about it. You also can't expect to be given flowers or special treats if you have never communicated that this is something you enjoy.

On the other side of things an issue many women have with their boyfriend/husband that they live with is the "just ask me to do xyz and I'll do it" in reference to housework. It's exhausting, it's like living with a child. You're a grown ass adult, with eyes, you can see when the floor needs vacuuming, you can see the laundry overflowing, you can see the dishes piling up, you can see the rubbish overflowing etc etc.

[zeitgeist057]

Not only do I disagree with this premise, I disagree strongly enough to say I am on the other side of the spectrum. I think needs NEED to be communicated. If you don't communicate your needs, it's not a "test" that your partner is failing, it's a test YOU are failing. The test of whether you are a good partner who is able to develop intimacy by sharing your needs. If you aren't, it's on you as a bad communicator and someone who needs to be taught how to communicate, or avoided by people who want to develop intimate, meaningful relationships (unless they are willing to teach you how to communicate).

People who play the game "I'm going to sit here and stew until my partner realizes they need to figure out my needs and fulfill them" are the people who are going to "win stupid prizes".

[SteveSmith1985]

Strongly disagree. People (let's be real here..."women") who think this are ridiculous. It's just so goddamn absurd that I don't even have the patience to explain it. I'm not a mindreader. If you need something, I expect you to ask for it. If she's got a problem with that... well now we've both got a problem. That's not something its ok for her to be upset about. I will not play this game.

Girls of this view, are girls I don't want a relationship with anyway. There is no way I would ever have this fight with a girlfriend more than once. After that... we're done. I'm not a mindreader. If she expects me to be; we might as well break-up right now... because I have no intention of trying to become a mind-reader. That relationship won't work.

[ManOnFire]

Amen!

[Aerissa_Jade]

I am not a mind reader, nor do I expect him to be. That said though, if I have to ask for him to clean up after himself cause he is a slob. When we've already talked about it in the past, that is a big problem. That means he doesn't care enough about me to keep the place clean.

I need a clean place, I'm a clean freak... and I would never simply expect him to know that without me telling him that.

Same thing though for me, we should talk about things like that in advance and then I will make a conscience decision to do what he asks or say I'm not going to do that, or I simply can't do it because of.

I know there are people out there that will be angry and tell the other "If you don't know why I'm mad, I'm not going to tell you." dumbest concept ever as it simply means that person is going to stew in their own anger while the other has no idea what they did.

[Z1pTD]

^agreed

[razelove]

Except basic needs like food, water, shelter, and attention, we all change over time. That's insane to think that who you're with will just read your mind and meet your needs all the time.

Is that under the premise that you'll magically do the same thing for them?

Is communication only done through eye contact? That sounds so selfish, and like a recipe for disaster to me.

[OptimisticGirl]

I’m assuming it’s needs she’s already voiced to him before (I. e. cleanup after yourself so I don’t have to, take initiative to do something nice for me, or whatever it is that she needs from him to feel appreciated).

If those needs have been communicated to a partner, and he doesn’t fulfill those needs on his own initiative, then she has to ask for it again which can be frustrating.

[razelove]

@OptimisticGirl That goes both ways, but what you're describing sounds more like being an adult rather than being in a relationship (unless you're injured or have a disability). Cleaning up after yourself, and paying attention to a significant other are pretty basic. Like why be in a relationship if you're going to take care of someone else and get neglected? Sounds like a very short term arrangement lol

[OptimisticGirl]

I do agree with you! But I have heard of so many people in relationships where one partner constantly has to remind the other partner to do basic things, such as cleaning up after themselves or providing affection. Obviously how much they attend to other aspects of the relationship will determine how much of an issue this is… but I was just trying to sympathize with those who have abled partners who seem to fail to do a lot of “basic” things. I can understand why those people would feel as though asking for what they need would make them feel like the guy doesn’t care.

[itsalyssaagain]

I disagree.


We are all so different and to expect someone to know what your needs are right off the bat is a bit toxic…


I think it’s important to communicate to other people what your needs are etc. Otherwise how would they know?


And I know some people would argue that some things are common sense but you’d be surprised… we’re all brought up so differently and accustomed to different factors.

[ManOnFire]

Not necessarily. True that a loving partner will most times anticipate their mate's needs or desires and be thoughtful, but there are also going to be times where a partner really doesn't know what the other person needs until they say it. We can't just know everything someone expects, the other person is going to have to put in some work to communicate too. And not after the fact either.

[ilovelamp]

Hard disagree.
Letting your partner know what you need is just extremely basic communication in a relationship. The whole of the world are NOT telepath's.

Furthermore this is a matter of timing and place in a relationship. If you told them over and over and over again and they continue to ignore or forget it, it's a different issue and a different answer.

[snackthatsmilesback]

If you always have to ask, that's fair. A good way to care is remembering regular shit like birthdays and favorite/hated foods. But that's the stable stuff. Sure some people are also good at remembering more specifics like ur tells, little body movements when ur hungry or irritated. But most people aren't so good at that stuff, so they can't usually tell just automatically.

[Guardian45]

I'm ND, so getting emotional content right for me is tricky. It takes time, and sometimes I have to be hit over the head about some things. So I don't agree, that someone doesn't love you if the don't think of everything.

[TacosRAwesome]

Depends on what the item is. Like if I have to ask for a compliment / affection, it doesn't count but if he gets me a gift I want it does. Since the first one should come naturally and the second is more materialistic.

[Ninania]

People aren't mind readers. I can't expect anyone to meet my needs if I don't communicate them.

[Nikki1989]

I never have to ask my husband for anything because he always delivers without me saying anything. That is the way it should be.

[DizzyDesii]

Depends on how many times you have to request it and it still not be met

[FilmGuy93]

Strongly disagree. The idea that you can get pissed at your partner for not doing something that you didn't tell them to do is beyond insane.

[JosyJosy]

Bollocks. That's just a toxic manipulation tactic that's what that is.

[Reorx]

Disagree; The only proof I see is that of a lack of communication skills in this scenario which is a HUGE red flag.

[tiajoka]

It depends how many times they have to ask 😂

[NostalgiaSenpi]

No. You can't expect someone to just crap out a golden egg.

[lottiebannotie]

Unless your partner is psychic disagree

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Disagree