Is it due to a fear of being alone? Thinking that they can't or don't deserve better? Thinking that it's easier to stay with what they've got, then put in the effort to try and find more of what they DO deserve?
I think there are so many reasons why we choose to remain with people who don't necessarily bring all that we need. Dating and finding everything that we truly desire and/or deserve, is a very daunting and quite frankly, tiring journey!!
Is it better to "settle" then to keep "trying" for everything? š¤ If not, why do YOU think we don't cut our losses, when we realise that we aren't getting all that we need? Is it because we just keep going things will change? Is it because we get some of the needs met, and due to the love you share, you're afraid to let go of what you DO have? Or is it down to laziness, fear, or just the prospect that the next one might be just as bad, if not worse? š¤ What are your thoughts? Why must love hurt so much? š„°
Some people feel "obligated" to remain in unhappy relationships for several reasons, such as couples having children to raise together, manipulation, coercion, desperation, the belief that the relationship would improve, and so on. Beginning with couples having children together, sometimes people in relationships feel that they must stay together to ensure their kids are raised in a two-parent household even if the parents don't get along. Regarding manipulation, sometimes people in the relationship could be controlling by speaking in ways that took advantage of the other person's emotions. For example, if a person decides that he or she wants to end the relationship, the other person could say something like, "People stay with those that they love, and if you truly loved me, then you would stay with me. I thought you were a loving person, but I guess I was wrong." A person who wants to be loving is likely to be hurt by such words and give in, thus staying in the relationship.
As for coercion, sometimes people are forced into their relationships. One person in the couple could be physically abusive to the other person, resulting in that person being fearful of more abuse or possibly even being killed if he or she attempts to leave the relationship. As for desperation, some people feel that they "need" a relationship no matter the costs. Whether it's that older-than-average male virgin who has never been in a relationship but really wants to be or that female who lives with a man who provides her with everything, such as her food, clothes, shelter, and luxury, such people feel they must remain in these relationships to get and keep what they want, even if they're unhappy in the long run. Lastly, regarding the belief that the relationship would improve, some people in relationships believe that being unhappy is a normal aspect of relationships, even if they find themselves unhappy together more than they're happy. They believe that they can patch things up with time, even if it doesn't always work out. This only results in remaining in a relationship with more downs than ups, which only leads to more unhappiness.
Relationships can definitely be difficult at times. I believe there's different reasons why people stay in unhealthy ones. I was with a narcissist, who always cheated, and abused me psychically and emotionally. She and I have a child together. At first, I stuck around because of the child. Every couple of months she would leave me, take the child with her, and go meet a guy off the internet, and come back home five, six days later, and pretend like nothing ever happened.
Whenever she would leave like that, I would miss her, and it just made it hard to break up with her. She cared about me, and took care of me when I got sick, which I think her doing those things for me made me feel loved.
The last time she left though, I realized I loved her kind side but not the other parts of her. When she called me wanting to come back, she started crying when I wouldn't take her back. It was a hard decision, but I knew I would only suffer more by staying with her. The loneliness, I think, was the main reason it made it harder to let her go.
My point is, people often fear being alone, and sometimes to avoid that loneliness, they will ignore their boyfriend/girlfriend's actions, pretend they're happy, and concoct in their mind, a better version of this person than what they are seeing. For example, whenever she would leave me for one of those internet guys, I would fantasize about her coming back through that door and telling me it was all a test to see how jealous I got, and that she didn't really meet another guy. Stupid, I know.
We invent our own truths. Another thing, we often think (More like wishful thinking) people will change. The truth is, they don't. And even if they try, they don't put in the effort to work at it. That's the sad part.
My best advice to you or anyone that ever ends up in a situation like this, walk out the door, block their calls, their texts, block them on your social media accounts, and never look back.
How do you walk away from a relationship like that? Write down a list of what you're getting from that relationship and what you're not, kind of like a pros and cons list. When you see you have more cons, that's going to make you see what you're missing out on with someone who could love and appreciate you. Someone holding you in their arms feels magical, but it doesn't mean anything if they're thinking about someone else while they're holding you.
It might sound more proper and less cowardly to break up with them to their face, but the problem is, they're going to spend thirty minutes convincing you that they're going to change, and they'll try harder, and they love you so much! God, if I had a Nickle every time for that one. Jeez!
By not saying you're going to leave and just doing it, you're preventing yourself from falling into their web of deceit to get you to stay. People often fall in love for the wrong reasons. Money and looks seem to be the big ones.
If a gorgeous guy or girl walks up to someone and is making flirtatious comments and appears kind and sincere, that doesn't mean he or she is a nice guy or girl. But we as hopeless human beings fall for other people's sweet words and empty promises. Someone might look gorgeous and smell pleasant, but if they're personality doesn't match their looks, they're ugly in my book.
We often think we can't do any better than who we're with, but remember, the person that's with you saw something in you, so why not let someone else enjoy it, someone worthy of your love, rather than waste it on someone who pretends to care but doesn't.
There's a saying, "Guys can always make a girl cry, but if a girl can make a guy cry, she must really mean something to him."
I hope my two-sense made sense. I hope this helped answer your question!
I think it's everything youve said and more, although not nearly touching everyone I have seen this many times.
I think many people who have an emotional connection are afraid of what severing it means, regardless of why or what it is.
Human beings are driven by our relationship with purpose. People usually delving head first into some mission or trying to drown out their fear and anxiety of not doing what they need.
Romance strongly fills both. Either being part of your mission, the person you've invested in, or the pleasurable trick into thinking things are okay.
But when you lose that person the question is the same, who are you without the foundations of your life? Where you live, whose around you, what you do, etc. To chose to remove something deep and important, even for a good reason puts you in an uncomfortable fear. Sometimes having something bad, but familiar, is easier because it's yours. Not having it seems like it would leave you with nothing. And you'd be empty.
People who feels that they are free to experience, move around, and change, often don't have this problem. Their identity and state of mind isn't tied to things staying the same.
And it's a question everyone has to answer for themselves, how much quality you give away to settle into what you've invested in. Both extremes of that decision are obviously bad. there's the man who is miserable in his marriage and just becomes worse and angrier with the years. And the man who is never gone to see his kids because he can't accept staying in one place.
Be honest with why you are where you are, and what fears are causing you to be locked up. Then you can decide which of the two ways is right for you
My situation is partially because heās just so damn fine! Sure I can come across other dudes that are hot but they dont make me laugh and smile the way he does... well did. He just doesn't really try anymore. His personality made him much more beautiful and now heās dropped that and only about his looks. I hate that but man he damn sure looks good even when he makes me mad. I dont think I am settling and I do think I will leave before the month ends. But right now I am mesmerized that his eyes make me forget how much I hate being in this. I know I deserve better but I also know that heās not used to feeling loved and I kind of get off on knowing I make him feel loved even though I do not feel it in return. Its not about fear or laziness for me. I already have other options lined up. But they are not him so I put them on the back burner and just keep hoping he will become the man he once was
No. I friendzone them and tell them I am not ready to be something more and need time... time to figure out if Iām going to leave this guy they know nothing about
Yeahā¦ thatās kind of leading them onā¦ telling them you āneed timeā especially.
And i have a feeling if you got with your āreplacementā and this previous guy did happen to revert back to how you felt about him youād leve your replacement in a heartbeatā¦
For men and women I think the biggest reason is insecurity. Like even if one party treats the other like crap, or both of them neglect each other, one or both of them are just so afraid of being alone, or that their next partner will be even worse that they just suck it up and stick it out. I had low self-esteem when I was a teenager, so I'm familiar with the mentality even if the memories are a little fuzzy now.
A goal in your life involves both positive and negative consequences. When you are far from your goal, you tend to focus on the positive consequences and yu want to move closer to the goal. When you do get closer, the impending negative consequences become more salient and looming and that tends to push you back from the goal. So you may bounce around between closer and farther, until you come to a point of equilibrium.
Mainly because most people realize no relationship is perfect , every relationship goes through ups and downs, so itās best to try to fix what is broken instead of running to someone else thinking they are going to save you , cuz the truth is they arenāt going to save you , sadly most people that cheat on their partners realize it was selfish of them to do , because the person they are cheating with is only in it for the sex, they arenāt going to commit fully to someone that can cheat , because they will fear that they will eventually cheat on them. The only way you should end a relationship with someone is if they are cheating on you or with holding intimacy and affection from you for a long period of time, with no valid reason , if a partner is constantly making excuses not to be intimate or affectionate with you then itās best to walk away from that person cuz they are only thinking of themselves and more than likely they are cheating on you or planning to cheat on you other than that you should fix it
Is it due to a fear of being alone? Thinking that they can't or don't deserve better? Thinking that it's easier to stay with what they've got, then put in the effort to try and find more of what they DO deserve?
yup all this lol. And more. i was just explaining to someone else that we tend to attach to our romantic partners (sometimes friends too) in the same way a baby attaches to their parents or caregivers so for some people its very very difficult to let go of due to an acute fear of abandonment and being alone. Its not healthy but it is something human beings endure likely due to bad trauma as a child. It can take therapy to get over it.
"Is it due to a fear of being alone? Thinking that they can't or don't deserve better? Thinking that it's easier to stay with what they've got, then put in the effort to try and find more of what they DO deserve?"
You said it best when you mentioned there is so many reasons.
Humans generally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Sometimes we trade a chance at better pleasures in life to avoid the chance of some worse pain. Pretty much as simple as that so I'll just shut up now.
Because we're human. We hold onto hope. We remember good times. And we are easily manipulated. You have to remember that not every part of an unhappy relationship is actually unhappy. There are good times. It's hard to let those go especially if you still love the person and it's not easy to just stop loving someone because they hurt you.
Definitely think itās because we donāt want to lose what we DO have. Obviously thereās something there if weāre still in the relationship. Itās not enough because youāre still unhappy but the good must outweigh the bad for you to stay.
People donāt leave because they worry they wonāt find what they have plus more. Itās a risk going into the unknown so they have to choose to either stay with what they know or leave it all behind to potentially find something better or worse. Itās difficult!
Fear of being alone!!! Iāve done it twice because being alone scared the shit out of me. Itās nice to have someone around, especially when you know they really care for you. It can also be scary because you donāt know if youāll ever get someone like that again.
Eventually though you get miserable (lol), and realise being alone isnāt so bad.
I used to have a long distance relationship for four years that my girlfriend put very little effort into. I was miserable for most of the time but I figured that eventually she would change. Of course she never changed and finally I got tired of it and broke up with her.
I had a similar relationship. It was not LDR and we spent every weekend together, but I loved her while she only liked me. We go along great when she made an effort but there were too many times when I felt like I was an impediment in her life instead of feeling wanted. I finally broke up with her even though I loved her. That was quite difficult.
I ended mine after two years. Most of the time, it wasn't horrible. The sex was great. The companionship was great. She is a retired judge and we had many, many friends in common. W enjoyed similar musical tastes, concerts, dining out. But then she would leave town for two weeks and not bother to say goodbye.
Looking back, I don't understand why I waited two years before breaking up. Most logical reason is the sex. I met her three months after my divorce was final, and the divorce was final two months after I moved out of our home. So it was a rebound and the sex in the marriage was not great or frequent. Bad reason to stay together.
I stayed in a long-distance relationship well past the point where I should have left. To answer your question, by addressing your question:
I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of never being able to find someone like my ex ever again. I didn't want to leave. I was afraid of the thought of having to someday date again.
I hesitated to cut my losses at first because I kept thinking things would work out or someday fall into place if we gave it enough time. But they never did, and I eventually found it in me to leave her.
I think a big part of why I didn't want to leave was because she met many needs I had that hadn't been met in a long time, if ever. I was afraid to let that go, and it took everything in me to admit that I had to.
I don't think the next relationship I'm in will be bad. I'm nothing but hopeful. No matter how many times I get hurt, or how many times it doesn't work - I'll always believe in love.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
1 y
At 38 and female, I would have hoped you'd already worked this out.
Noone can deliver on your long list of requirements, and neither can you deliver on theirs. It's not settling to find someone roughly on your level and work out your differences with them.
People stay in relationships for all sorts of reasons. Some for those reasons you say, others for duty, responsibility, kids, lifestyle. Committed adults understand long term relationships are not always fun or fulfilling and need constant maintenance.
They offer better chance of success than alone and a safer, richer environment for children.
Because you will always have faith of fixing things up and that the person might change, if the couple aren't married, the chances of breaking up is a lot easier than couples who are married, in a real marriage, the couple becomes related to each other in a sacred bond, they know that they will try their best to work things out, no matter how much it takes...
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Anonymous
(25-29)
1 y
I think, because i have been in relationship three years, and that person was just playing mindgames, torturing me and cheating on me. And he treated me like he is victim and i am culprit. He was also dating other girls. When i left him he didn't apologize and get married to the girl he was truly in love with. He wasted three years of my life. He was very abusive. But i was so attached that i couldnt able to move on. I think attachment and fear of being alone both plays its part here.
You spend 15 years on a relationship, with the last 8 years being miserable. There is no spark anymore. But instead of leaving, starting a new life of happiness, you stay. You think that leaving is a waste of those 15 years. But, you don't think about the fact that you'd just be wasting more time.
Or another way. You spend 3$ on a soda that tastes like shit. But you spent money you can't get back, so you finish it instead of throwing it away.
They stay because they are stuck, or have low self-esteem. They think it's better to be in a relationship even if it's not a good one, than to be alone. I'd choose the latter if I was miserable.
From what I have seen and observed, this phenomenon happens because of jumping into relationships without thoroughly examining the prospects of things working out with that particular person. People move too fast. They commit without knowing who they are committing to. Then when they're in it, they feel stuck and they don't want to quit and give up on their relationship.
You asked the question but I think you pretty much answered it. You're right. Most people fear being alone or they don't think they can get or deserve better. It's sad really but unfortunately that's why people stay
