I'm moving in with my man. His best friend went through a breakup and wants to move in too. Am I selfish for not wanting a third person in the mix?

[Anonymous]

The friend says it'll be temporary but I know it won't bc it's not out of necessity but due to him not wanting to be alone. I don't feel it's a wise decision to allow a third party into our living space. This is a big step in our relationship and we are ready to start building a life together. I am a private person and don't want to include someone else in everything I do. I don't want to look after another man when it comes to food, cleaning etc. I don't want to be in a situation where my man feels pressure to split his time between us and feel obliged to include the friend. I don't feel comfortable/safe living with another man other than my boyfriend. His friends is basically an alcoholic, does drugs sometimes & pulls al nighters often. He is a great person, with a good heart but has a strong personality and completely over powers my boyfriend. His friend has a house and enough money, it's purely bc he doesn't want to be alone and wants my boyfriend to be his flatmate again. But my boyfriend isn't in the same space as when he was younger, he doesn't want all nighters drinking etc. Shouldn't his friend be happy for my boyfriend because we're taking such a big step, and want to give us our space to enjoy it? They also work together & there are no work boundaries which stresses my boyfriend out. I know this will be worse if they live together. Basically I know my boyfriend will be frustrated often. I'm not in a space where I want frustration in life. I value my peace and space. This friend has done A LOT for my boyfriend in the past, like letting him live with him, and so he feels bad to say no because of that. I feel we can find an alternative, the friend can move closer to another apartment if he doesn't want to live far away and we can support him in other ways through his breakup other than living with him. My question is, am I wrong/selfish for thinking this way and not wanting a third party in the picture? Would you agree it is a bad idea relationship wise?

[razelove]

TLDR, your summary is enough. I'd say that how relevant your opinion is on him helping his friend out directly relates to how much rent and chores you're helping with. Like if you're moving in while cooking and cleaning, then you have a pretty big say as someone else living there fucks with that system. Same with if you're paying half the rent when you unpack your bags.

Regardless, trying to tell your SO to not help his friends out is going to drive a wedge between you two. Especially if you're just getting to the point of moving in together. That's a very stressful and large milestone in a relationship. Maybe look for a compromise there where he can help out his friend, and you can have some peace.

Like at my house I converted my garage into the guest bedroom with a mudroom and external exit dividing the house and garage, so it's like two separate living spaces. Anyway, it isn't wrong or selfish, you're just moving in, and it's a personal space for the two of you. I don't like having roommates either, so after the military I've never had them. It seems like it's really important to him though, so try and figure out a compromise. There are motels that rent by the week, I've lived in state parks while going cross country.

There are many other options that don't involve your place. Hell, some efficiency apartments go as low as 600 a month with utilities included. That's just having to earn 20/day. That's the kind of places I stay in if I do contract work out of town.

[Asker]

The thing is, I don't feel safe because this friend abuses alcohol daily and drugs every now and then. So I don't see how I could compromise to keep the peace?

However I agree with you, he could find a place nearby, there are alternatives other than moving in with us:) I am more than willing to support him in other ways.

[razelove]

Exactly, he can help his friend, but it doesn't have to be living with you. One of my friends who was in a rough way got into debt and had nowhere to go. He spent the night at my house and we took a road trip to his mom's the next day. Over a long enough period of time junkies will do junky things.

Things will go missing. It's dumb to think that if an addict will steal from family you'll be the special one if you open yourself up to that. You're only special if you keep your valuable shit locked and unavailable.

Didn't know he was an addict.

[MementoMori777]

Not selfish at all, I completely and fully understand that you want your space with your boyfriend and it's completely understandable that you don't want to support another man, it's definitely not a healthy environment for a couple in general and mostly if the person has bad habits and it's fully justified that you wouldn't want that type of influence rubbing off on your boyfriend, you have to clarify these thoughts and perspectives to your boyfriend because he's clearly not thinking it through, clearly, I can fully guarantee you that your boyfriend never thought of the scenario of his friend getting drugged or drunk when he's working and starts trying some intoxicated buffoonary with his woman, which drunk people tend to stop giving a fuck about anything when they are intoxicated so I wouldn't put it past him if he starts touching or invading privacy, this might just be a fucked up paranoid thought of mine but still, I'm sure there's many cons and barely any pros, if there's even any tbh.

[kylee2437]

No you are not selfish for not wanting to house a loser. While yes he’s your boyfriends friend, your boyfriend shouldn’t feel obligated to keep a drug addicted alcoholic in his house. And honestly, I had one of those in my house (not by choice, my sibling) and honestly you definitely do not want that in your house. There’s a huge reason why him and his girlfriend broke up and the contributing factors to that was probably his drug addiction and alcohol abuse.

[Rosexøxø]

Watch the movie you me and Dupree.

I don’t remember but but I think there was a funny solution lol

[MzAsh]

Is this your man’s place or are you both on the lease together? IF you want to have a say in things like this, then I’d highly recommend you get your name on the lease and pay half of the rent/mortgage monthly out of your pocket. Otherwise then it’s not your place, it’s your man’s and he gets the final say.
But yes, I’d definitely be concerned about this friend. Every third party roommate him and I ever had turned out to be a disaster, ranging from friends, family, and coworkers … every single one went south and it made a negative impact on our relationship too. It wasn’t until we vowed to never have a roommate again that things started to improve. Most people can’t be trusted, especially when they’re young OR have money or addiction problems.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your man and define some very clear boundaries.

[coachTanthony]

I don't feel comfortable/safe living with another man other than my boyfriend.

Nothing else you said matters at this point except for what you wrote above.

[DJB72]

If your boyfriend can't say no to the friend that's a massive red flag for the relationship. I've known my best mate over 30 years and we were housemates at one point, but there's not a chance if he can afford to rent something that is let him move in, or that I'd ask him if the circumstances were reversed.

It's about them - yes, both of them - respecting you and your relationship. If your boyfriend can't see that you may want to look hard at the relationship.

[Staximus]

The guy has his own house to stay at? He didn't want to be alone? Tell him to go home and stay at his own place, and grow the fuck up and stop acting like a teenager. Or tell his dumb ass to get a roommate at his own house. That's a bunch of bullshit. Tell the guy he can't move in. Put your foot down. Enough is enough.

[sage2021]

I don't think that is such a good idea. Too many things may come up since they are friends, and his friend is lonely right now.

If you could help him find a place of his own that is close to you, that would be better.

[HighValue]

You are correct. It would likely be very bad for your relationship if he lived with you and your boyfriend. You may need to be the one to insist that nobody else lives with you two and you may need to be the one to tell the other guy.

[glennos89]

Talk with your man about the fact that you don't like it. Honestly if he can find something for himself but doesn't doesn't wanne be alone...

I wouldn't tolerate that if I where in your shoes ❌❌❌

[MightyOlivia84]

I strongly advise you not to allow his friend too. It should be him and you only! Do allow anyone to mess up your beautiful relationship and congrats in advance tho!

[slatyb]

No, that's perfectly reasonable, and his friend needs to find his own place. Two's company, three's a crowd.

[sheikalana]

Not selfish at all I also wouldn't want to have a plus one around us all the time. People go through breakups all the time the other person is an adult they're going to survive.

[SassyAussieAddy]

If you really dont want him to move in try to subtly get your man to believe you may have a latent attraction to him.

Caution: may backfire into a 3 way request

[SolitarySolace]

If you and your man are moving in together won't you want to have a guest room for guests to stay over? I'm assuming this friend is only staying temporarily? It's not like this guy is becoming a part of you and your man's relationship.

[Iron_Man]

You don’t want an alcoholic a drug user. living in your house talk to your boyfriend, let it all out

[WanderingLoveWizard]

I'd be a little worried what might happen when I'm not there if my friend and girlfriend lived together lol

[RingOfFire]

DO NOT LET HIM MOVE IN.

You will regret it if you do.

[dudeinohio]

It should just be the two of you. Don't move in with him if the friend comes too

[Surely]

Short answer. NO! Don’t allow him to move in with you two.

[Anonymous]

I’d move out. But that’s me. When he’s done helping his buddy, then I’d give it another go. It definitely step back in the mean while.

[Keishio]

You not allowing him to help his best friend when it's needed will give him a different impression of you and an insight into what living with you will be like.

[Anonymous]

Threesome coming next