Long-Distance Relationship: She texts me and we talk on the phone but she won't go on video? How should I deal with this?

[Anonymous]

Before you say it, and with all due respect, I don't need to hear comments about how LDRs are a waste of time, bla bla bla, etc.

So, this girl and I have been talking for about 3 months now. (Long story short we are from the same country in Europe. She lives there, I don't. We have mutual friends/family acquaintances there and that's how we came to start talking.)

We text almost daily and we've started talking on the phone recently. Everything is going great except one day I asked her if we could go on video to talk and she didn't seem to like that idea. She quickly said noo no. I asked why, she just said 'just nooo'. But then she'll text me again and continue to text me and we continue to text and talk on the phone.

How should I deal with this? Look I've seen pictures of her (and vice-versa) and I am kind of expecting naturally that she will not look exactly like how she looks in a picture because, well, it's just a picture. But either way I really don't care too much about how she looks, I just want to see her so we can start getting more comfortable with each other and hopefully keep the relationship growing. If she wasn't interested in me, fine, but then why keep texting me and staying up to talk on the phone with me?

[Xoxocutekitty]

Some people are really camera shy.

Also, the expectation for a girl to be natural and actually attractive on camera is kinda a catch 22. Unless you have the newest iphone, are surrounded by good lighting, and have enough make up on that makes you look female, it's really easy to look ugly on video call.

She could be a catfish or she's just not the kind of girl that thinks she looks good on camera. In long distance, this can actually be a deal breaker. It can be frustrating to never actually "see" the person you're dating, but it can also be frustrating for someone to put conditions on how you have to spend your time together "camera on or it's not real."

[ManOnFire]

She might be very self-conscious about her looks 'in person.' Maybe she has gained some weight since her last photos and she might be paranoid about it. Or maybe she feels like she's not good at talking in person.

I actually used to be in your exact same situation some years ago. I met a European girl on here and we started talking all the time, then moved to Kik to do most of our talking. She didn't ever want to talk on the phone or do video chat either, she felt bad about the way she looked. She had a lot of personal problems anyway so needless to say we eventually stopped talking.

I guess the only thing I can really say is, we know you want to talk to her face to face and you maybe want to know if there's a way you can convince her to do it or get her to come out of her shell. If she's feeling insecure about it, it's going to be pretty unlikely for you to change her mind. So thing is: are you okay being patient with that? Are you okay making it work?

[snowboarder720]

Someone who doesn’t agree to video calls gives catfish vibes. Honestly if you two are sending daily texts then she feels attached to you in some kind of way so I’d suggest putting space between you two by not texting her as much. When she asks why let her know that you’ve had a busy day and would be glad to explain through a scheduled video call.


Remember to use ‘scheduled’. That means an instance where she is ready for a video call. If she refuses then it sounds like she isn’t ready for a committed relationship on that kind of level (if they aren’t a catfish) after that it’s up to you if you want to continue with this relationship or not.

[SaRang21]

Some people are video call shy! I dislike video call, when people ask me to do video calls, I used to decline them.
They probably wouldn’t even do it with their close friends or family members, It’s not that they are afraid that they don’t look good in the cam, but they just don’t like it. Especially doing it with a person they’ve never met in real life. I think since you said you don’t really care what she actually looks like, then be considerate of her feelings about video calls. If she doesn’t like it, then just respect her and wait until you can meet up.

[coachTanthony]

Shouldn’t matter. You being the man should be flying her to see you on a weekly basis. If you can’t afford it then long distance is a bad idea.

[DizzyDesii]

I hope this is sarcasm coach... your advice is worrisome at times. Flying to see eachtoher doesn't have to do with who is the man/woman. They should be taking turns. And visiting weekly by plane is silly. Every other month at the least. But I do agree with if they can't afford it, they dont need to be doing this

[coachTanthony]

@DizzyDesii LOL. Most of it was over the top sarcasm but my point was simple. Try and see her in person and not so much keeping it long distance with other forms of communication.

[Vegasrunner]

@coachTanthony That's terrible advice. Last thing you should he doing is flying out some girl you've never seen. If a women really wants to see you she'll come to you. I literally have a calendar w/ women's flight schedules for when their coming to visit me throughput the summer.

[coachTanthony]

@Vegasrunner Didn't read it. Just looked at the title of the question. Assumed he was already in a relationship.

[Vegasrunner]

@coachTanthony Well at least your honest.

[Simslover92]

She may just not be up for doing video calls. It can be quite awkward for those that don't do it often. I would try to reassure her that it's okay to be shy and a bit awkward on video and that all you want is to see her live. She may eventually be up to doing it and she may never be up to doing it. She may just would rather see you in person vs. video calling. But I hope she eventually does decide to do the video call because it would certainly help bring you guys closer until you can see each other irl.

[Count_de_Monte_Volo]

She’s probably very self-conscious, which is normal for a lot of women. As some comments have said; they don’t like to hear themselves on a digital device or see themselves in the mirror. I’ve also seen this myself. At one of my jobs this girl asked me to say something on the walker-talkie for her because she didn’t like her voice (I liked her voice). Or with hindsight that could have been a test to make me compliment her or see if I would obey a silly command.
It’s silly but also feminine (?).
I say don’t treat that as a red flag just yet. Resolve the issue though.

[Anonymous]

DEMAND THE VIDEO CALL. I’m serious my best guy friend met a woman online back in 2020 Covid time. It’s been literal YEARS and he still hasn’t seen her on video it’s always excuses. To me I think these women are catfishes until they can prove otherwise. This isn’t the 80s or even early 2000s, there are soooo many outlets of video chat that cost nothing even the Snapchat let’s you video call, come on. There’s also countless ways to steal peoples pictures, videos, etc etc online because we have so much access to so many people, it’s just risky af. If she won’t show herself that should be a massive red flag for you. There’s no pillow talk and connection good enough to keep on with this woman you’ve never seen live.

[Opinion Owner]

And I think she’s interested for sure she’s just hiding! That’s scary to me, like what is there to hide?

[Sasha0426]

Even if you seen pictures of her, video calling is way different. Especially, if it comes to your features. She’s probably worried you’ll find her ugly or her voice not so feminine.
For example, I have a deep voice and I hate how I sound on recording. Yeah, you talked to her on the phone but recording can make your voice sound different. And the camera can make you look different from a photo.
You two only been together for three months so she’s probably worried you’ll back out.
She sounds like a nice girl but she’s probably self conscious. Have patience and don’t worry too much.

[Sasha0426]

Also I do agree with those who say she’s probably camera shy.

[DizzyDesii]

She either needs to get on video chat OR send you a personalized video where she can take as many takes as she wants. But she needs to give a full conversation in the video, something that lets you know its her. A video is a must before going to meet in person

[DizzyDesii]

Im extremely camera shy but even I suck it up and agree to do a 5-10 min call after some months just to prove I’m me

[Anonymous]

I was in a LDR, and I hated when my boyfriend at the time would randomly ask to video chat late at night because I wasn’t wearing any make up and my hair wasn’t looking good (lol). So take note of what time you’re asking her bc that could possibly be the case for her. (She’s not camera ready/presentable to be on cam).

[RHK36]

All the comments saying stupid naive shit. No pre made videos, get that video call. People scamming is very real. If the relationship is indeed real, she should have no issue getting on the camera. The shyness or whatever other excuses are a bunch of bs. If she can't share her "ugly " side with you why even be in a relationship. I've done a couple LDR and video calling is helpful.

[RingOfFire]

She's interested but afraid you won't like the way she looks and lose interest. Tough one to get past. You could try reassuring her that you already like her beyond the surface and she should not be shy to let you see her because it gives you both a better opportunity to get to know each other in a closer way.

[nawtee_me]

First off is it really a relationship? If it were someone in your town would you only text and talk? Would you not see one another? Would you not go out together? Would you not touch one another as in holding hands or maybe kissing? Would you not bond and grow together? These are thing you do when in a relationship. You talk and text with friends

[someonecute]

She sends you her pictures or no? Like whenever you are like oh i wanna see you or something if she sends you then i don’t think so its like she is catfishing you or something maybe she is not comfortable talking with video on some people aren’t but if she is not sending you her pictures or anything then its other situation

[Vegasrunner]

You're going to end up wasting your time. The only way your going to get her to do this is by taking away the free attention from her. I would limit my conversations to 1 per week at no more than 15 minutes per conversation.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

"Just nooo"

[linka_pat307]

One sign of a catfish, just reach to Nev and Max to get her real reason for not cat fishing

[Dargil]

Maybe she is a 44 year old 260 pound white male redneck catfish.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Or just literally a giant catfish, with fins and everything

[slatyb]

You should stop wasting your time with a likely catfish. Find someone local.

[nastyb]

i don't like video chatting either. because i look ugly in video chats for some reason.

[Juxtapose]

Tell her it's either the video chat or you break up. That's a major red flag man, she's probably a catfish.

[KrakenAttackin]

She was lying in bed next to Chad Thundercock, don't take is personally.

[Anonymous]

Well you have already made it clear you won't listen to advice, so why bother posting?