How can u say u love someone but continue to do things that hurt ur spouse?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I been together 10 months.

He says he loves me a lot. He spends every single day with me on the phone and sleeps with me on the phone because I have nightmares

He listens to my feelings and is always there for me

He says he loves me like all the time. But I tell him things about Me and it's like he remembers everything I say or do.

But why does he do things that will hurt me?

I told him how people really bully me and put me down. My ex was really controlling and abusive. He would always tell me to be quiet be seen and not heard.

Now my current boyfriend everytime I'm having a good time singing and dancing he says oh you kno what's crazy? In the beginning you mever used to act like this u never use to sing like this loud.

And im like oh ok my bad ill keep it down. And then he gets mad like I am not that type of person I was complimenting u. And I'm like? How? How is that a compliment that was literally not a compliment. He says he thinks he's happy to see me happy. But he never said that. He said basically I've changed like I was fake in the beginning and bringing it to my attention. Like oh u used to be so refined and quiet and now look at u ur nothing like how u used to be.

I don't know man it seems many times I mention like hey I was sexually assaulted and never been in a consensual relationship before. And then he proceeds to beg me to see his dick and then after a month of saying no I finally agree and ever since he had been pressing and begging since I showed u mine pls show me urs trust me I trust u.

I'm ready to break up w him the more I type the more angry I get

[Anonymous]

I feel like you took that comment about your singing the wrong way. He was just noting how you never used to do it and now you do, but you interpreted it as him making fun of you or putting you down, when that wasn’t what he meant. But it makes sense for you to become defensive if you deal with bullying.
To be honest, after everything you went through I don’t think it’s smart to be in a relationship at all. You’ve got some real healing to do, even if you get help like therapy. I can’t blame your boyfriend for wanting to find ways to be sexual or intimate since you’re LDR and can’t do it in person, but you have to act within your comfort levels as well, and being pushed or constantly begged for nudes, sexy pics, etc just gives you the ick after a while. It’s just not a good situation, plus you don’t need a boyfriend just for the codependency and support. It’s better to find your own ways of getting through nightmares and other ways to cope so you won’t start relying on someone else to give you those things.

[Asker]

I know the world doesn't revolve around me. But I thought a healthy relationship should respect boundaries. I felt hurt and angry because I feel like if I open up to u and tell u things that happened. That u wouldn't do those things. Or say things that they did.

I'm very confused. I will apologize for being insecure. I didn't know I was. I genuinely felt like he didn't love me at all. because he does things that hurt me even after I told him before hand how it affected me.

And I also agree with u. Ik he wants to be intimate but I try to give compromise on things I am comfortable with. But it feels really demoralizing to send nudes I don't know. I don't want to put a camera by my private parts it feels so impersonal and weird. What if he dumps me and then has the pictures still and laugh at me I don't know. Ik he says he would never do it but u know people can do mysterious things when they aren't together anymore

[Opinion Owner]

To be clear, I don’t think you were acting self conscious, just misunderstanding his intention with that comment. I’ve been in 3 LDRs and my biggest advice is don’t do anything you can’t live with. Sending full body nudes in general isn’t smart, because revenge porn is real and once those pics are out there, there’s no going back. Sure you could compromise, send some lingerie or whatever but is that even comfortable? Or are you just trying to keep him? What about the sex talks? Is that fun for you as well or just adhering to his desires? I personally was never able to get comfortable with that aspect of the distance. I don’t like sex talk, it’s degrading. On top of that it’s like their urgency grows over time to where you’re literally nagged for sexy shit and if you don’t send it there’s an attitude or coldness. Who has time for that? You can do better.

[Asker]

It's like things were going well and the flirting started. Which I admit I did flirt with him. But then he started exactly like u said his urgency got worse and worse and kept growing and he nagged and begged and pleaded for more and more and more and more and I was comfortable flirting but he started asking for phone sex and I kept saying no because im Christian (which he knew) and kept begging and begging and his excuse was he didn't think I liked him he felt insecure like how can she flirt with me but not want more? And so he kept asking me to do things like show him my butt on camera so he can masturbate to it and stuff.

After awhile I just kept crying like this guy doesn't love me because wen I would say no enough he would be super cold exactly like u said. And just irritated at the games and stuff. His claim was because he was horny. But later it turned out it was because he felt like I was toying with his emotions flirting then not being intimate. I don't know I'm starting to feel like I'm in over my head. He wants to marry me and stuff. And he claims it will all b fixed when we can be together and he can care for me I don't know. I'm lost I am so inexperienced

[Opinion Owner]

I’ve been in your shoes before, so I get where you’re coming from and it’s also why I believe you’d be better off single. I get it, we all become lonely and wanting companionship, a family, real love like you see other people experiencing. But part of maturing is doing better each time, making better choices in men when you can help it.
I know he checks off the smaller boxes, but you should never compromise the bigger ones. One of those boxes is respect, and how much does he respect you and your boundaries? How can he say he understands and cares, then goes on to manipulate and gaslight his way into some sexy pics or dirty phone calls that he knows you don’t want? If he has this much control over you with distance, you think he’d get any better as a husband? A father? Definitely not. Don’t get so caught up in the fantasy that you force yourself into doing things you don’t feel comfortable with. If he can’t respect your choices and your boundaries, then he is not worth it. Believe it or not you will find another man who won’t put you through all of this, but that’s hard to believe when you have t experienced it first hand yet.

[Asker]

I just want to thank you for your help we ended up having a huge talk about it and we agreed to be friends and take things slow focus on getting to know each other and leave the sex stuff for later 😊 he doesn't like it wen I flirt w him and he can't like do anything about it so I agreed I'd stop and he promised to learn more about me so we can go slow and do things when I'm ready. We also learned we both tend to like do things we dislike for the other person. So we going to focus on making boundaries and saying no to each other and respecting it.

He admitted what he did was wrong and he was doing it out of insecurity which he agrees is no excuse and he will never do it again and he even found out I don't even like being touched so it helps when we meet irl for him to not touch me so it was really helpful ur advice really helped it means a lot to me that u related to me a lot it made me feel so normal and so thank u for ur time and ur the best 🫂 ❤️

[Opinion Owner]

That’s a step in the right direction☺️ I hope he is genuine, my fear is that he’s telling you this, behaves for a few days then tries to initiate sex talk, unfortunately that’s how it tends to go. If it goes in a direction that you aren’t comfortable with, then please don’t do any more of it and cut ties. At that point he is not going to change and it’s not worth your time. Also, no worries! Wishing you luck going forward❤️

[MysticAngel5000]

I think you took his comment about your singing way wrong. He wasn't meaning it in a negative manner. He was excited to see your change. He was happy to see you coming out of your shell. He was saying how before, you would never do that. You were quiet and reserved because you were taught to be seen and not heard. When he saw you being happy, dancing and singing loudly, it made him really happy to see that new, more positive version. He wasn't considering you fake before. He obviously still loved you before or else he wouldn't have been with you. He was simply trying to compliment you and encourage you to continue being happy and loud like that. He liked hearing you sing and he liked seeing you being happy. He considered that positive progress given your situation.

I understand how you may jump to being defensive. Due to your past experiences, you are used to that. Don't let your past ruin your present or future. You are not your past and your current boyfriend is not your ex. Don't punish your current boyfriend for things other guys have done. He is clearly nothing like them from what you described. Your boyfriend sounds like a really good, loving partner.

If he is too pushy with sex, just talk to him. Be honest about it. Tell him after being sexually assaulted and not ever having a consensual relationship, it will take you some times before you're willing to be open like that and comfort with sexual things. Be open to it, but go at your pace. Go slowly. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with and make sure you communicate openly with your boyfriend about what is and isn't ok with you.

If he truly loves you and respects you, he will continue to stand by you and be willing to help you work through all of this.

[ProbablyClueless]

He wasn't insulting your singing at all. That's just your insecurities talking.

As long as you let your insecurities rule your relationships; you're going to feel like everyone is insulting you.

[In_Trance]

everyone ahs a different idea of what love is