Can my boyfriend grow up?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend (32) has a gross apt. Cat hair all over carpet, doesn't own a vacuum, "trash can" is a plastic shopping bag hanging by the door, kitchen stuff just gets stored in the dishdrain permanently and kitchen drawers of full of random shit, beard trimmings all over bathroom sink, dirty shower, dirty dishes, little to no furniture other than bed, table, 1 chair. I am not a neat freak but enjoy decorating my living space and keeping it tidy. A good home space is very important to me. We've been dating for 4 months. I'd like to move in together if we are still together in 6 months. I am 40, so I recognize the age difference may be at play, but I am worried about his living space habits. He has made improvements since we started dating at my request (new towels, new shower head, rearranged a bit) but he is still lacking basics such as more chairs for his table, enough dishes, etc. He keeps saying he will get things for his house but hasn't. I lived with a slob once and won't do it again. Every time he comes to my place he says how much he loves how my home looks. He says that if we lived together, he would be tidier because he would want us both to enjoy the space, and on his own it doesn't matter as much to him. Is there hope?

[Sweetsurprize]

I can beat that. MY 40-year-old ex who just broke up with me in the cruelest way possible, still lives with his PARENTS and his game stuff and his room looked untidy/unkept in the few times I visited their house! 😔 But good luck to you and your s. o. Mine didn't last for some sad reason. I still miss him like crazy. Miss his kindness (back when he WAS kind and wasn't condescending or verbally abusive!), and yeah, fine, I thought facially he was okay looking too , but yeah, he was definitely overweight but I thought his kindness and 'smartness' (maybe he's not too smart actually, since he broke up with me!) and dedication to me would outweigh his bad qualities! Anyway... I WILL miss a lot of things about him obviously, like his hazel blue/green/yellow eyes, and his dark brown/black and white/greyish auburn hair. And for a guy he had very soft skin weirdly enough.. Had a funny tattoo of a cross on his left arm. He had a nice/cool obsession with video games though which was interesting.

[provokeesmokee]

Nah.

I tried with my last exbf - very similar story to you. He not only never really improved much, but even the improvements he did have when I'd be over would fade unless I kept reminding him.

He was hoping you'd take over the housework, but he might not even be conscious of that want himself.

in my opinion, no, it's not possible to improve that. He has to live it in long enough to want to improve for himself, but you continuing to give him chances will delay that.

He's weaponizing his incompetence and trying to trap you into mommying him.

You deserve an actual, grown, self-responsible adult. Not a glorified teen boy in a grown man's body.

[AviatorTom]

Sounds like a young couple I know. She is neat, he is a slob. She tries to get him to change, and he does, a little but. But she puts up with him and does the cleaning... often.

It's your choice. Since you're considering living together, you must like him for other reasons, hopefully not just for the sex. But be aware... he's 32 and unlikely to completely change... you're going to be doing more cleanup than you are used to.

[OlderAndWiser]

Are you hoping to become a wife or substitute mother for this little boy? At 32, he should have grown up, and you should stop making excuses for him.

DO NOT GO INTO A RELATIONSHIP PLANNING ON CHANGING YOUR PARTNER SO THAT HE EVENTUALLY BECOMES SOMETHING THAT IS ACCEPTABLE. That would be a world class mistake for a lady your age, right?

[MzAsh]

He’s 32. This is who he is. Think before you end up moving in with him and gaining a full grown child.

[Sweetsurprize]

32 is still kinda young. Young enough to change and improve. I've seen people in their 40's and older change. But yeah, maybe less likely. However, 32 is still very young for making changes in their lives. I remember being 32 and still rather adventurous and silly.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

@Sweetsurprize 32 is NOT young. There's 18 year olds that are more capable of living on their own than this slob.

[MzAsh]

Anyone can make the changes they want to make at any age, but the point is that this is the way he chooses to live. He doesn’t want to make those changes or else he would for himself. He thinks things would look better if you were around because he likely assumes you would be the one doing the extra work to make it better. You’ll end up being his unpaid maid if you live with him.

[dreamstar72]

Think his place looks will become you place new look.
He will say gee my place is short on furniture, other basic stuff, dirty and doesn’t have the clean lovely home atmosphere. Your home has that lovable with that perfectly balanced clean atmosphere. Let me move in with you that way I will have a fresh start. He is thinking “whatever she can do all the work in keeping it clean paying the bills and”.
Dump him, change maybe but is it worth the unlikelihood that he will.
Just remember if he moves in and he still is a slop it will harder to get him out. Easier to just get him out while you are healthy

[Anonymous]

(Laughs in Adult), you think by 32, a grown man is incapable of figuring out how to buy a chair or keep tidy? Don't kid yourself and don't believe phrases, like "I'll change when we're living together," because he could be doing that now, but he isn't. It's time to get real as the smart capable 40 year old you are, and let him know, when you share a space with someone it's about respect. No one wants to walk around in another persons filth and tell him the truth, you did it before, and you don't want to do it again. If he doesn't care or freaks out about it, then maybe you have your answer about what your future looks like with this guy because if he doesn't care now, even if you're telling him it matters, trust, he's not going to care later, and will probably assume you'll be doing the cleaning.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

Seriously?

Do you like having a PIG for a "boyfriend", I use boyfriend loosely as he's likely friends with benefits. Most legitimate boyfriends try a little harder than keeping a filthy shithole.

You gotta be dumb to think he'll "grow up". He's an achieve nothing, will amount to nothing, and will always be bottom of the barrel in apartment keeping & well.. life.

[Sweetsurprize]

That's really mean, at least he's not homeless or addicted to drugs. I actually went out with someone like that a very long time ago and yes, I'll admit it. It's part of the learning process anyway. My now current ex is still living with his parents and he just turned 40. I don't know. Maybe I should have had higher standards? I mean, sometimes, it's not their fault they are in the plight their in! Not always at least.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

@Sweetsurprize The guy isn't in a "plight", he's lazy and has a lousy attitude. Much like your previous boyfriend and the one living with his parents. Yes you should get some self respect & increase your standards.

[ScoobyNECBir]

Yes should think of this before you move in with him and settle down. People say can he change , or can you change him. But the reality is you shouldn’t actually need too? It’s his responsibility to look after himself. And there’s no excuse to live in that way it is not acceptable

[Anonymous]

I actually agree with him. .. But I also agree with you.
But here's the thing: a man won't try to decorate his home if he doesn't feel "settled." As in, if he doesn't trust that it's a long-term spot, he isn't going to put any effort into making it pretty. Because, to him, that's a waste of time. Also, if he has other financial obligations, he won't invest in decorating in that circumstance either. Because it's simply not a top priority. There are other more important things.
ALSO, I want to ask you this: how long has he been living on his own? Because if it's been a long time, he's probably used to that. He's not going to change, unless -- like he said -- you guys move in together and he has another person living with him. Because then he will have a reason to.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

It's not he hasn't decorated the house, the filthy pig can't even clean up after himself.

[Anonymous]

never. not only is he immature, he has a mental illness living like that... 32 and 40 is not an age difference in how keeping a clean living space is important. he should have learned that growing up. he is a lost cause now.

there should be no difference between living on his own or living with you. if he lived with you, he will take advantage of you. you'll be cleaning up after him like his mother.

[Iron_Man]

Did you talk to him about it? Well, I used to have a big large white garbage can but now that I’m living alone, I just use a Publix paper bag for my garbage and empty it every 24 hours when it starts filling up because I don’t wanna sitting in a white garbage can in a trash bag for two weeks I don’t need to use a garbage can that big

[Lynx122]

It's not going to happen as long as you're with him. After you break up with him he might get his shit together or he might not but right now he thinks he's doing well enough so he's not going to change.

[Billlewis]

I think you should advertise that you're looking for a submissive guy who will provide you with free maid service. They're pretty easy to find, you know.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Some people are pigs & every time you go to his place take a good look at your future & if you want to change his figure buying a maid uniform is the way to go.

[rachel776]

[TheSpaceGnome]

"Grow up" isn't the right term, he's just a nasty slob.

As a child, I was never like that, I prefered everything was tidy and looked nice. People are either like that, or they aren't, its almost never "just a stage".

[Exterminatore]

I think there is some hope but keep your expectations low to start with.


As for me, I will not live like a hog and will not be with anyone who is a slob. I don’t understand how people could live like that. I think it’s a sign of laziness.

[Anemone978]

No never date with hopes they will change.. people are who they are so if you lived together he would just expect you to clean it all up..

[EmmaMary]

I don't think anyone really needs to answer this!

[Smashingdoozy]

Nah if he hasn't sorted that out by now he isn't going to change.

[scooogy]

My personal mess is clothes on the floor and groceries next to the dishdrain. But I told myself, who would even deal with this, so I learned to fix that now and then. But yes, your guy's way of living sounds messy.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Nope. I've been down that road. You see where it goes.

[spartan55]

Looks like you are in full 'change him' mode... which never works.