When will my boyfriend “grow up”?

[Anonymous]

I know some adult men still play video games and maybe even watch anime, But he does both. And he constantly talks about how random action movies motivate him to one day become a “ninja assassin”. When we first started dating, it was cute because i thought he was joking but after 6 months i realize he's serious. He legit wants to become an assassin. And he wants to play videogames even when in his 50s, all while not exercising. He already has begun to look like a big kid walking around dressed in too small anime graphic tees/backpacks/shoes. Yet he's 20. I have nothing against anime and games, but he's overdoing it people 😔

Updates

+1 y

I no longer game (stopped after first year of college, he's on year 3) but even if i still did, he's PS and im Xbox so we hardly could even play together. And I've tried anime with him but its just big tits and swords. I want rom-coms with a little action and less tits. Im not trying to fully change his hobbies. But i dont want him to consider an assassin career and i really want him to exercise more than he sits around playing games

[thedancingcookie20]

My boyfriend doesn't want to be a ninja assassin or anything like that, but he likes playing games. I much rather he enjoy his hobbies than be out doing something stupid like getting drunk, cheating, doing drugs, etc. You knew what he was into when you first started dating, so there's no surprise there. You should accept him or find someone else if you can't look past it. I knew my bfs hobbies early on too and I accepted it. Hhis hobbies are his hobbies and if he's not doing anything wrong, who am I to come between that? He doesn't complain when I engage in my hobbies. Although, my boyfriend works full time, goes to the gym every other day so it's not as drastic as your boyfriend. But I think you should decide if you can accept him for what he likes. It's okay to not like them yourself, but it's part of who he is now and he may or may not "grow out" of video games.

[Asker]

I like the stuff but i dont like that he puts hobbies before health and reality. I dont want him actually trying to become an assassin for religious reasons and i want him to workout more than just sittin around gaming. And i really didn't know he was gonna be this anime crazy

[thedancingcookie20]

Talk to him about it an snake sure he knows your concerns are in his best interest. If he still doesn't want to make a change after voicing reasonable concerns, there's not much you can do. He'll only change his habits if he wants to. Like I said, if he doesn't improve his lifestyle, you have to decide if you can accept him for how he is now. If you decide to leave him over it, it's reasonable. Being a ninja assassin isn't reasonable nor realistic.

[Asker]

Yea we talk about it all the time but he only temporarily changes. I just gotta see how much longer i can deal cause i really do love him

[thedancingcookie20]

Sometimes it's not worth it to stay even if you love someone. Those temporary changes are likely only bc you said something about it. But if you didn't say anything, he probably would've never made the temp changes. Lots of people do that. I think some reflection on what's important in a partner to you is in order. Reevaluate what you want out of a relationship and go from there. I've been through this before so I get what you're going through. But it's up to you how you want to handle it. I hope you figure things out.

[Asker]

Thank you

[SarahsSummer]

Ewe.
Does he have a job/career or in college studying to have a job/career?

[Asker]

Yes he's in uni 2 days a week and works at a hardware store 4 days a week. But he games/animes 3-6 hours a day

[SarahsSummer]

I seriously hope he is joking about wanting to be an assassin. It's like saying he wants to be a serial killer when he grows up. If he's not joking that is seriously F'ed up.
Good luck to you.

[Asker]

He compares it to being a soldier in the military. He wants to kill the bad guys but i told him its not the same

[JuicedThunder54]

The assassin thing is weird but as one of my teachers told me, "people never 'grow up', they just learn to shut their mouths at times", honestly just let him be, we all have our quirks, maybe ever join him and see if you like it, it's always cute to see gaming couples and couples doing geeky stuff together

[JuicedThunder54]

As for the exercise thing, animes like dragon ball z and one punch man are known to motivate men to exercise

[Asker]

We’re long distance but i join him in anime watxhing sometimes. Its hard to get into cause there's no romance. Just big tit girls surrounding 1 guy, all being assassins ans stuff. As for gaming, im an xbox person and he's a playstation guy so we rarely get to olay together. And its been 6 months now, how much longer do i have to “try to join him and see of i like it”

[JuicedThunder54]

Is he making an effort to meet you half way?

[JuicedThunder54]

And there are plenty of romance anime, my personal favourite romance anime is toradora

[Asker]

He’ll change for a few days but then its back to his old ways

[Asker]

I tried to get him to watch romance with me but he prefers sword fighting or transformer looking monsters

[JuicedThunder54]

As much as I hate the series, try sword art online, there is action and after a few episodes, romance

[Asker]

I tried it with him. I only lasted like 6 eps. I dnt wanna watch cartoons. I want him to try REAL looking shows

[JuicedThunder54]

Well maybe start small, ease him in so he can those minor changes become easier, then use that as a gateway to more change

[Asker]

I have been for the past month but he's still die hard for anime. Nothings working. And the only reason im agreeing to go to comic con with him next year is because they have tv shows there like The Flash

[JuicedThunder54]

Well maybe instead of changing him, create common ground, many couples have major differences but are in great relationships because they find some neutral ground

[JuicedThunder54]

Plus you say it like anime and gaming is a bad thing

[Asker]

Not at first but at a certain age, it becomes too much

[JuicedThunder54]

An interest in anime and gaming isn't something that fades away, most people who are geeks don't stop, though the whole assassin thing is a bit much

[JuicedThunder54]

I'd just like to point out, Terry Crews is a huge gaming fan and Samuel L Jackson is a big anime fan, neither of them are young

[Asker]

Bt both are nuts lol

[JuicedThunder54]

But in a fun way, as me and my girlfriend always say, "weird is fun, normal would just be boring"

[Idontknow012]

“ninja assassin” 😂 best story of the week

😂😂😂 i can't deal with this 😂😂😂

[Asker]

I can't either :(

[yaanis]

Why you want to change him? won't it be like alveys? He changed... If you love him accept what he is, inspire him, maybe some martials arts or kendo would be great for him. At 20 we all are still kids, its just how it is. Its way better to be geeky about random stuff than beeing lazy and borring. At 20 you want to look cool not watch some romantic stuff but action. Why would you expect it to be different? Maybe just stit down one day, take paper and pen, and write all on paper, after it you may know better what to do. Im still not shure about wasting time, haven't figured out it, yet. What it means wasting time...

[Asker]

I’d love for him to do karate. At least its a form of exercise. But he hardly wants to exervise. He just wants to sit and play games while watchin anime

[Js138]

I think it's safe to assume he acted/ dressed this way when you met... so why change him? This is one of the biggest reasons men become fearful of getting into long term relationships. They lose their freedom, they lose their identity, etc. If you're not happy with who he is, move on. Trying to morph him into someone you want him to be will only make the both of you miserable in the long run.

[Jo1991]

All kinds of yes to this!!

[Asker]

But he's changed so far, and so have i, may as well keep tryin

[TXKen]

Reading through your responses to options it seems you already know what you should do, you are just scared to do it.
He is not changing and it appears you have gone out of your way to find a middle ground. Stop trying to do that. Continuing will only prolong your suffering.
Break up with him now.
There is no saving this relationship. He is unwilling to change and you don't like the way he is. You will both be better off after you leave him.

[Asker]

Im just so scared. I love him and i feel if i break up, i will have wasted my time when i couldve been with something better

[TXKen]

You learn from bad relationships. Staying when you know it should be over is the only mistake.

[Richareens]

"He already has begun to look like a big kid walking around dressed in too small anime graphic tees/backpacks/shoes."
That part cracked me up 😅 And I doubt he will continue with his video games when he's in university. Unless of course he doesn't study and works in kfc

[Asker]

he's in university and works at a hardware store

[samhradh_leannan]

20 is still relatively young. Being into stuff like video games and anime is fine, as long as he is still leaving time for other important stuff (school, work, your relationship, etc.). But wanting to become an assassin (for real) is definitely concerning. He does realize that involves killing people, right?

[samhradh_leannan]

(For the record, it’s okay to be into video games and anime as an adult, too. It’s all about balance.)

[Asker]

Yea i keep trying to telll him that it involves killn but he feels its ok to kill them if theyre “bad” but for religious reasons i fear he’ll end up in hell if he goes through with this

[samhradh_leannan]

Religion is an issue unto itself. If you have differing religious views, then that will be yet another challenge for your relationship.

It’s a huge deal to kill someone- even someone who is “bad” (which is a matter of opinion). Assassins are usually hired by people who want someone dead for some reason, and that reason may or may not be a “good” reason. Your boyfriend is wildly romanticizing and idealizing the notion of being a heroic assassin. There is no place for those fantasies in real life. He needs to learn that.

[Asker]

Yea we have the same religion but ur right

[KillerHawz]

Lol its totally okay, enjoy it, he is honest with you, he is just 20, its time to explore the world, he will get mature with time nd understand his responsibilities, until then enjoy with him, take part in his interests, try to watch anime nd movies with him, you might like it.

[Asker]

I have trued these things with him vut im just annoyed at this point. But ok i’ll give it time

[crswalkerr]

He won't grow up. He likes those things. By expecting him to change you're expecting him to be somebody he's not. I have to admit, I lol'd @ that ninja assassin bit. Honestly, being with somebody with no imagination can be way worse. You just have to decide if these are things you can get past.

[Asker]

I have an imagination too but mine is more realistic. And im changin for the better, why can't he change too

[es20490446e]

Either you like him as he is or you don't. Because people only change if they are willing to do so for themselves.

That assuming that what he's doing is something wrong. I have friends that play a lot and watch anime, and they are happy married with well paid jobs.

[Asker]

Yea but if he exercised then maybe i’d be happy for him

[es20490446e]

Well my friends do exercise. In fact they are somehow hotties.

myanimelist.cdn-dena.com/.../...a1f53dba3d8db3.gif

[Anonymous]

He won't change that much.

When I was a kid, old guys who were retired like sat around playing cards and liked john wayne. You know what those guys liked when they were 20? cards and john wayne.

A -lot- of men my age still play video games, those that don't generally don't have time, as opposed to 'stopped playing them'.

[Asker]

Okay

[Anonymous]

Lmao. He's probably not going to stop short of something that really shakes up his mindview. If you haven't grown out of ninja assassin dreams by your 20s, you're prob never going to. You should just cut your losses and dip out before your relationship gets really toxic because you both have vastly different sets of priorities and can't reconcile them.

[Asker]

😭😔😭

[SonDread]

Perhaps you're leaving something out. Does he have autism?
I have autism, and I know many others with autism.

An autistic interest can drastically affect someone's lifestyle.
If he is autistic though, you should discuss your issues with a psychologist instead of strangers on the net. Couple-therapy can help

[Asker]

No he's not as far as i know.

[Unit1]

When will girls finally "grow up" and accept, that hobbies aren't restricted to a certain age range?

Or move on if something in their relationship isn't working out after communicating didn't help. Or accepting their partner as ít is.

[Asker]

Yea yea

[Hashirama]

He's still young, let him live
Nobody should have to be forced to act like an adult because someone else wants them to
As long as he's not hurting anyone leave him be

Maybe you should break up with him and find someone more like yourself.
And he can find a female ninja assassin lol

[Asker]

Blahh... but he's hurting himself cause he's gained so much weight over these 6 months from sittin around playing instead of exercising

[Federico84]

I’m sorry but I don’t get it. First of all he is 20 years old, he is still a kid. Second of all what’s the problem in playing videogames? Some people after work like to read books, others listen to music, others watch movies and some even play video games. Some video games are masterpieces with incredible stories, way better stories than a lot of the crap we see on theatres.

[Asker]

I used to be a gamer myself. But to me ur not really a kid once u hit college or at least 21. I dont have a prob with his hobbies. My prob is that he puts them before schoolwork and health (exercising)

[Federico84]

in italy a 20 years old boy is still pretty much a kid

[depeche2015]

that probably will get annoying after awhile but i'd rather date someone like that than some guy always at the bar or clubs that drinks on weekends.

[Asker]

True, guess i have to look at the better side

[Lultoki]

Dump him. You can watch anime and play videogames and be an adult at the same time.
But wanting to be an assassin (or worse "ninja assassin" ) is childish.

[Asker]

Lol exactly

[Jo1991]

Well you knew the kinda things he was interested in when you started dating him and if you didn't you've had 6 months to learn. If he isn't your type then leave him. There are girls who love gamers so maybe he needs to find one of them.

[Asker]

I used to be a gamer but i grew out if that once i reached college but he claims he's gonnna get worse

[Jo1991]

Yeah but do you really have the right to change him? Would you appreciate it if he changed you? I'm sure there's things you enjoy doing that you wouldn't wanna stop doing?

[Asker]

he's already changed me. I thought we agreed to compromise but now it feels onesided

[Jo1991]

Then that's a bit unfair. He shouldn't expect you to change if he isn't willing to. Hope you guys work it out though

[Asker]

Hope so too

[AndyNite]

Boys don't "grow up," they just get bigger. Also, have you considered joining him in the things he is passionate about?

[yaanis]

And mor smarter doing stupid shit xD sometimes it wunder we are still alive xD

[Asker]

I've joined him in anime but im no longer a gamer. I need anime that involves a little romance vut his only involved big tits and swords. And yea he's gettin bigger cause he hardly exercises

[RedDawn430]

He is just a geek/nerd, I am too, but not that extreme. He is just having fun, acting like you care/enjoy it might make him really happy.

[Asker]

I always “act” but thats why he continues to do this stuff

[RedDawn430]

Is it a problem?

[reixun]

Hahahah oh god, he’s supposed to be holding you down, not holding you back

Cut ittt

[Asker]

😂😂😂

[UnuniformalPendulum]

My wife's answer: never he will change! Try to find some common interests. He will change by himself, but only if you won't force it! Let him enjoy while adult responsibilities won't take it away... Try to enjoy some of it yourself.

[Asker]

I've tried to enjoy it for these past 6 months but its getting worse. the more i “pretend” to enjoy it, the more he never wants to let it go. I even assume this is why his ex left him. he's been into this stuff a few years now. But just to see how much weight he's gained in 6 months time worries me

[UnuniformalPendulum]

Ok, let me ask you how much time per week he spends playing or watching anime?

[Asker]

he has a job at a hardware store but its not helping his weight. He works 4 days of the week for like 5-8 hours but he games 5-6 days a week for 3-6 hours. He exercises once or twice a week for 30 mins if i make him but he only gets on like the tred mill. I want him riding the bike, lifting weights, etc

[WildWinterWinds]

If you don't like how he behaves, either talk to him about it or leave him.

[Asker]

We’ve talked so many times. He always says he’ll do this stuff less but its usually only a temporary change that lasts like 3 days

[Lumberman53]

Many guys do both if he's going overboard he just needs time to mature

[Asker]

How much time though? he's 20 acting 12-16

[Lumberman53]

I don't know

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

Bruh 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Asker]

Lol what

[reptocarl]

It won’t change so you have a decision

[Asker]

I love him, I dont want to break up. But whenever i suggest something, he says im trying to change his love for anime/games. I dont wanna be embarassed of him :( but he's gained weight from all the gaming over these last few months and the anime and ninja assassin stuff are really going to his head

[reptocarl]

Like I said it won’t change so what are you going to do? Leave or stay knowing it will never change?

[Asker]

I guess im gonna stay for as long as i can :( i tried to tell him nicely that i like a certain body type but he says he likes his body

[TXKen]

Don't expect him to change any time soon. Maybe in 10 years, but can you wait that long?

[Asker]

@TXKen no :( and he claims he’ll never stop gaming because he wants to teach our future kids how to play

[Jack147]

If he "likes his body" and it's clearly not a hot body:
1. It's a lie
2. He doesn't care what you like
3. He's too lazy to hit the gym

My advice: leave that kid to some 12 year-old and look for an ACTUAL 20 year-old!! He should be towards graduating and finding a job by now!

[Asker]

@Jack147 he has a job at a hardware store but its not helping his weight. He works 4 days of the week for like 5-8 hours but he games 5-6 days a week for 3-6 hours. He exercises once or twice a week for 30 mins if i make him but he only gets on like the tred mill. I want him riding the bike, lifting weights, etc

[Jack147]

My advice? Again, leave him. Besides the fact that less than 40 minutes on the treadmill will burn zero fat, especially if you don't want to do it, you can't "want him" to lift weights either.
Making fitness a part of your life is a deeply personal choice and you have to be extremely motivated, so you'll probably have better luck finding someone who ALREADY lifts and does it because he likes it 😉

[Asker]

@Jack147 😭 but i love him

[Jack147]

Take a screenshot of this conversation and go back to it a month after leaving him.
You'll understand how idiotic it was to "love" him lol
No offense, I've experienced this kind of "love" too but you realize it only once you're out of it and with a better person

[TXKen]

@Asker. Exactly don't expect him to change. He might games less as he matures, but he doesn't seem to be in any rush to grow up. I am almost 50 and i play videogames every once in a while. I've played videogames ever since my folks got an Odessey in 1973/74. Then the Atari came out a couple years later. I still played a decent amount till i was around 20, more than i should but way less than you are describing. Real life usually pushes those childhood pursuits into the background in your 20's. He Might grow up, but he might not. Don't plan on it getting better any time soon.

[Asker]

@Jack147 lmao 🙈

[Jack147]

Besides, I'm assuming gaming is his first thought once he's off his job right?
If he "loved" you, he would want to spend more time with you. 5-6 gaming hours are not a few considering he works for most of the remaining hours of the day.
Before focusing on YOUR love for him, make sure how much HE cares about you! After all if you're writing this post it must be a sign right?

[Asker]

@Jack147 im pissed because he can't talk to me without gaming. It makes me feel like im bored but he claims he just wants both his loves at the same time. Its like an awkward 3/4some. He wants to play his game and watch anime both while talkin on the phone to me. And he SUCKS at multitaskin

[Jack147]

Right that's what I'm saying.
If you feel awkwardness or discomfort in what you're doing with him, it means there's something that's not working! Easy as pie.
Think about it, it won't hurt him that much if you leave him. He has a lot of games to comfort him 6 hours every day 😞

[Asker]

@Jack147 😔😔😔

[Jack147]

Get back to me once it's over, I'm curious to know how much better you'll be feeling lol
Honest

[Iamaguy4real]

Start worrying when he cosplays lol

[Asker]

Lol he already wants to do that for the upcoming comic cons

[Jedah225]

Why u trying o change him though?

[Asker]

I dont have a prob with his hobbies. My prob is that he puts them before schoolwork and health (exercising) And that he thinks he can become an assassin like the people in his games/shows

[wolfman1000000]

Yeah... maybe overdoing it.

[Asker]

Exactly lol

[GulagEmployee428]

break up with him and date soviet. Do you want to be 15th wife?

[Asker]

No thanks

[anmari2001]

Be honest with him

[Asker]

I have but he thinks im trying to shut down his hobbies completely. I mean maybe 50% but not completely

[anmari2001]

Making compromises is important in a relationship
So if he can't do this then he really is not grown up enough

[Asker]

Yea thats why i said when will he grow up lol

[disgustingweebtrash]

Never

[Water_Bottle]

Rude

[Asker]

Blahh