I have cheated on my husband with my boss. Now what?

[Anonymous]

I have flirted with my boss the last couple of months. Until last week we had been sitting closely while working on projects and kissed a couple times. We talked about that we couldn't keep on flirting anymore (we're both married, and he is my boss). Shortly after that we started flirting again, and on a business trip a couple of weeks ago we ended up at a hotell room together. We have agreed that this can't happen again. I feel absolutely terrible right now (I know I am a bad person), and I don't know the best approach. Guys - Would you want to know? What should I do?

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

You need to tell your husband but realize this may signal the end of that relationship. He at the very least deserves that much respect. If you do not, these things have a way of becoming known. If you want any chance of reconciliation, you need to be the one to tell him before someone else does. Whether it is a co worker, an off hand comment or the boss is married and his wife finds out, If someone other than you tells him then it is highly likely you just dropped a nuclear bomb on your marriage.

Make no mistake here. This is not an accident or a mistake but you made multiple decisions to end up in a physical affair. You have forever altered any relationship you shared with your husband. Once that level of trust is breached, it can take years if not decades to try and repair, and this is assuming he will want to repair it, and it never reaches the same level of respect.

Quite frankly he will never see you the same as a person, a spouse, a mother if children are involved or life partner. Those terms will take a new and darker meaning for him because your very memory is going to be tainted.

Your only course is to be honest and maybe suggest couples therapy and hope he just doesn't decide to end it. Personally I take a very hard stand against infidelity. I would have you packed up and out of the house by the end of the day and papers drawn up by the end of the week. If I am dating someone and they mention to me they cheated or was willingly part of an affair for someone else, I will immediately cease all contact and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Lol you said it once that you two discussed that the flirting had to stop but then went on to sleep w each other. You need to tell your husband. He deserves to know. What he does is up to him. You have no real say in this. If I was him I’d walk. Divorce you, then move on as painful as it may be. He won’t ever let it go. You’re tainted, by another man. Men think in terms of sex, so he’s going to be wondering what did you do to him? Did you suck his dick? Did you swallow? Was he better than me? Did he make you cum? Etc, etc. the most vile things will go through his head. Poor dude. Hopefully you two don’t have kids together.

[IslaTheWitch]

1. You are not a bad person.
2. Don't tell your husband, at least not now.

Take your time and reflect on why it happened. Don't answer those questions here. They are for you, for your retrospective process.
Did you like it? If yes, what did you like the most? If not, why?
Do you regret it? If yes, why?

Do you miss something in your relationship? If yes, did you speak with your husband?

Be honest with yourself. It's the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship.

And remember. You don't have to share it with your husband. It won't make him any good, especially if this was only once, and you don't want to repeat it. It should be your decision if you tell him or not. So don't feel obliged.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

This is the absolute worse advice you could give her. Why? As i posted, the longer she waits, the larger the possibility he will find out himself. She has already permanently damaged the relationship but if she continue to hide it, and he finds out from another source, the chance of actual reconciliation grows smaller.

Infidelity always comes to light. It could be a year from now, 2, 3 or even 20 but eventually all it takes is a slip of the tongue. I've seen 20 and 30 otherwise successful marriages get destroyed by a single act of infidelity that was discovered years later and it still ended the relationship.

[IslaTheWitch]

@XXTruthfulOgrexx I respect you have different experiences and opinions. But I don't think it makes my opinion wrong.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

It is wrong on the fundamental basis is SHE IS STILL LYING TO HER SPOUSE. She cheated. She needs to respect him and her relationship and tell the truth to give HIM the opportunity to either reconcile or end the relationship. That is just common decency and respect to your spouse. Anything less is unacceptable.

All it will take is a angry co worker, angry boss's wife or talk at the company party that he overhears and she has now not only cheated but has proven he can never trust her again because she didn't have enough respect for him to be truthful about it. At least if she comes to him first it shows she actually regrets it and she has a fighting chance of keeping the relationship. Otherwise, she might as well seek divorce before he throws a nuke on the whole deal and considering how the laws are changing around alimony and child support and is gaining more traction nationally. she may find herself in a truly desperate situation. .

[IslaTheWitch]

@XXTruthfulOgrexx It's her life and her decision.

1. We don't know WHY she decided to do it. We don't know what her marriage looks like, if her husband is good for her, respects her, if he is cheating on her, and so on. We know literally nothing.

2. Reading what she wrote, I assume she understands the risks of an office romance. She asks what to do now, not if she should continue.

3. What she should do depends on her current situation, not your opinion about her morale. She has to understand WHY this happened. She has to understand her emotions towards her relationship, her husband and herself. And then, there is a moment to decide the best step in her current very specific situation.

Her decision should be based on HER feelings and HER understanding of the situation because SHE will be the one who will have to bear the consequences, not you.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

1. It doesn't matter why she did it. SHE DID IT. If the marriage is that bad off LEAVE IT. Cheating should NEVER be the go to option. EVER.

2. I do not believe she has fully thought out the ramifications and damage she can cause or how far it can go. She isn't just cheating on her husband but is not causing damage to 2 relationships. Make no mistake, She is just a culpable by sleeping with her married boss in damaging his relationship, any children he might have and both of their careers. Considering most businesses have a no fraternization clause especially between employer and employees. This can effect any possible advancement opportunities she might have earned.

3. Where did i speak of morale? I spoke of respect to her partner and their relationship. First she should tell him. Then seek counseling to figure out why. Then they can have a safe, professional atmosphere to work out the issues to see if the relationship is even salvageable.

I will go one further. If I am dating someone, and they even mention they were part of an affair or a willing participant of an affair OR in your case giving advice to hide an affair. That relationship is over, done and that person is blocked and ghosted. It wouldn't matter if we were dating 5 months or 20 years. I would have ZERO respect for her as a partner, or trust she would never lie to me. And yes I have ended otherwise successful relationships because of those reasons. Cheating is an immediate deal breaker in any form. There is no excuse, reason or argument I will accept to explain it away. If the marriage is horrible enough to cheat, then get out of the relationship. It is that simple. Don't stay for the children,. it does them absolutely no good to stay in such a toxic environment.

[IslaTheWitch]

@XXTruthfulOgrexx Maybe she told him and maybe she sought counseling. WE DON'T KNOW. Assuming that people do bad things without asking questions is equally bad as doing bad things.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

Don't try to be so naive. By her post she hasn't told him or sought out therapy. How do I know?
"Guys - Would you want to know? What should I do?" This right here.

She is now in desperate damage control mode pure and simple. It is almost the cheaters bible. I do not have to assume anything. She laid it bare in her post. You can easily deduce what has been done by not only what is included but what is NOT being included. If she truly regrets what she did, She will immediately inform her husband and hope he doesn't end the relationship. Otherwise, She isn't remorseful just remorseful he may find out and just walk away.

Personally, Were I her coworker and I found out, I would call first the HR director, then her husband and offer him all the support I could including free place to stay in one of my rentals until he got his life back on track.

Just read the responses around you in this post alone. You will notice more people agree with me than with your "logic". I would almost believe there is a better than average chance you did the same and are trying to excuse the behavior. I almost wish I knew your partner and would show him this post and sincerely tell him he needs to reevaluate your relationship and if you have been truthful with him.

[IslaTheWitch]

@XXTruthfulOgrexx Let's agree to disagree

[_Maya_]

What do you mean now what? You play stupid games and you win stupid prizes. With any hope your poor husband will divorce your cheating butt and leave you. In a perfect world you also wouldn't see a dime from him. Yeah that's right. I am taking his side because he isn't the dirty cheater. An alternative plan would be to sit down with your husband and ask him what the next step is. I almost like that one better than him having to wait until you do it again inevitably since you have no sense of shame.

[smne35]

Now what the nerve of you, now what, you want to know now what, try learning what commitment mean, I'm not here to tell you about morals ethics, lack of self control, but will say that to me the lowest thing anyone can do is knowingly fool around with someone who is involved or married, I have no respect for people like that, coaches l if you want to see others remain single it's that simple

[madhatters4]

just tell your husband straight out. don't make excuses. tell you made a mistake, you are sorry, and if you really think you want to stay with him hope he can forgive you and you guy can move forward.

but you may need to ask yourself do you really want to be with your husband. it's not like this was a spur of the moment thing. it was a build up, an ongoing thing, which suggests a general inclination towards your boss and away from your husband

[Billlewis]

First of all, you're not a bad person -- you just yielded to the temptation of having sex with a powerful, influential male. You now have two choices -- to continue seeing him or end the relationship as quickly as it began. I, for one, am not going to criticize or shame you, because honestly, I'm actually rooting for you. Good luck!

[RavVid]

Well of course I would not want this to have happened and of course I would not want to have to hear it.

However there is no option other than to tell your husband and for him to hear it.

There is also no other option but to accept his decision. The flirting and kissing was also cheating. Your regret does not expunge what you did. You cannot make his life a lie.

[Fireguy17]

now you get to live with it for the rest of your life knowing what you did and did to your husband.
It will probably change things between the both of you even if you don't tell him, and who knows what might happen if you tell him or he finds out either from you or your boss' wife when she finds out and tells him.
Myself, both times I was cheated on and I found out I left.

[Ben487]

I think you have to bite the bullet and tell your husband. I think that pretty much ends your marriage on the spot but over time its probably the best thing.

[pickles77]

It’s a lot easier to Change when you confess and have accountability. This will also help you regain your husband’s trust opposed to hiding it. Likely you will need a new job and change of environment.

[Staximus]

You are treating your husband and job like they are disposable. Have you ever heard the expression "don't shit in your own backyard"? You'll be smelling it soon.

[exitseven]

You should confess this and accept the consequences.

[sheikalana]

You made your bed now lay in it be ready for the consequences.

[Yannae]

You confess of course.

[Anonymous]

What a whore. Get a divorce

[Opinion Owner]

You know what. The fact that you feel bad tells me more. So I’m sorry I called you names most don’t feel bad

[Opinion Owner]

You need to repent and ask Jesus for forgiveness. The fact that you feel bad says you have a heart.

You also need to tell your husband. If it ends in divorce it does

[dudeinohio]

You tell your husband and prepare for divorce

[jahaims]

Let him know you are trash

[Anonymous]

It’s over for you

[Anonymous]

Go to HR and tell them about it.

[Anonymous]

WHORE