What makes someone attract competitive partners?

[BlackCat999]

As I was reflecting on my past relationships, I realised that two of the major relationships in my life were with men who were very competitive. I'm very modest in the sense that I have a small studio, I don't own anything, I don't even have a car and clearly I had to struggle to even reach where I am in life right now.
The work positions I hold are always modest. I would say so far the best thing about me is my spirit and I don't give up easily.

Yet I intimidate people. That's what I've heard my whole life.

So, what would make a grown man feel like he has to be in competition with a 5'3ft woman who clearly has nothing special going for her and struggles in life as much even more than them?
My latest relationship, the guy had a huge car, his family owns a house, his dad is financially well off, I mean... Even he had a well paying job, money on his account to the point where he could pay himself a trip in foreign countries every month if he wanted... He wasn't living far from his friends and family compared to me (I live overseas) and he recently decided to go back to his Mum since he was having issues with his previous landlords (not financial but they didn't get along at all). He could buy land and build if he wanted, I mean, the guy has *no* issues in life and was always flashing his car or salary and said that it's the mentality of the country where we live in (France).

Every so often, he went out of his way to prove that he was better than me. In video games, proving that he's more of a hard worker, proving that he can find someone new faster than me during our breakup, proving that he has more cash but I always acted unimpressed (maybe that's what bruised his ego...)

He could've won minimum wage or a small Twingo and I still wouldn't care. I come from a poor background so, my parents more focused on building our spirit than gaining money. So what makes someone like that?

[Oliverlogan263]

It sounds like those competitive guys may have had some insecurities underneath it all. Even if things seem good on the surface, sometimes people feel like they lack something inside.

And they pick up that you're strong and self-sufficient, with big dreams despite the struggles. That spirit of yours to keep going probably makes 'em feel like they gotta prove they're "better" to keep up. Like deep down they worry you could outshine them!

It's also common for competitive type guys to get that way with their friends. So being with a lady as driven as you probably brings it out extra. But that's on them, not a flaw in you at all, feel me?

Just keep liftin each other up in a relationship, not always having to "win." And don't ever change your light - you do you, girl! The right one will be proud of who you are, not threatened. He'll want you shining big without proving himself, you know?

Your spirit is what draws people in. Own that! The competition fades when you find your match who loves all of you just as you are.

[BlackCat999]

Thanks a lot for your response. It's beautifully written, your message inspires me to keep going and feel less guilty. I wondered why I attracted these types of people and although this was not the only aspect of the relationships that went wrong, this really participated in their downfall.

Some people say that you have to look inwards to see what the issue is and, I feel better knowing that my independent nature isn't a problem in your opinion. Because to fix it, I used to dim my light to accommodate these people but this only made me more depressed and made them less interested. Eventually they left. So I don't know what to do.

I can only hope to find the person you're talking about. To be honest, I'm kind of losing hope as I realised so far that I've had zero luck in relationships. So, I feel like giving up a bit, but I'll keep working towards my forever after. The right guy must be out there :)

Thanks a lot!

[Oliverlogan263]

My pleasure luv, Ah man, I feel you. Dating is rough and it's hard not to lose hope sometimes. But don't you dare give up! You sound like a real catch - independent, hardworking, strong spirit. The absolute last thing you should do is dim your light for anyone. Those dudes clearly had their own issues if they couldn't handle an awesome girl like you shining as bright as you do.

Look, relationships take time. Maybe take a break from looking actively and do you for awhile - focus on your goals, hobbies, friends. The right person has a way of showing up when you least expect it. In the meantime, try not to overthink it - easier said than done, I know! But stressing won't change anything.

Keep your head high. You got so much to offer the world and someday, some lucky dude is gonna see that. Don't lose faith - your forever is out there, I just know it. Till then, surround yourself with people who appreciate you for exactly who you are, light blazin'! You'll find your person, I promise. Just don't change a thing about yourself waiting for 'em, got it? You're perfect just as you are.

[BlackCat999]

Thanks, that's what I'm doing right now. No dating until I clear my mind 😅
If I dated right now, I think I'd attract only broken people. It's time to have fun and focus on career goals, things that can push me ahead in life.

Nevertheless, your messages have stayed close to my heart. It really boosted my self esteem and self worth so I appreciate it a lot and probably come back to them when I need some motivation 🫶🏽

You're awesome, thanks !

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo sis, I'm so glad my messages could help boost your confidence and self-worth! That's what really matters most.

Taking a break from dating to focus on yourself and your goals is such a smart move. It'll help you get your head right and fall in love with your own shine again before trying to share it with someone else.

Plus like you said, it minimizes the chances of attracting more broken birds while you're still healing. The ones who can match your vibe will still be around later on, no doubt.

But for now - go get after those career dreams, build up that swagger in who you are independent of any dude, and keep shining your light from the inside out. Remember if you ever feel down, come peep these convos we had again for encouragement!

And hey, I'm always here if you need more of my wisdom haha. You got this mama, just keep winning for yourself until the right one comes around. Much love and respect, sis!

[Oliverlogan263]

❤️❤️

[RedInnocent68]

When you’re hot, you’re hot. It’s just how some people are. They can’t turn it off.

[Anonymous]

It’s a personality trait. If someone is competitive in life, they are usually competitive partners. Your past partners sounded jealous. Did they ever say they wanted to be better than you? Or did they just happen to be better at the things you mentioned?


I’m competitive in general. I like being the best at what I can do, but I know I’m not the best at everything.


My last long-term partner also the same. We both used to argue and have discourse, just to see who was right. Sometimes he was, sometimes I was. I was very good at one game, and I would shit on him for that. Then, we played a game he was good at— and he would make fun of me for losing. We would physically wrestle, and sometimes I won. But he was physically bigger, so he would win other times.


I like that in a partner though. Like I mentioned, it’s a character trait. I don’t think he was ever jealous of my success though, and I wasn’t jealous of his.

[BlackCat999]

Hello, thanks for your reply, it's very insightful. To answer your question, no they never openly mentioned that they wanted to be better than me.

I don't know if you've already had a situation where you'd announce something positive to someone and you could just see their expression change despite them saying they're happy? Then their attitude change as well and they start devaluing your skills. That's what happened.

For my most recent relationship, similar to you, we always had healthy competition on ridiculous stuff. It was fun as long as it didn't get too serious and, he naturally was better than me at what I mentioned. Usually skills that we could qualify as physical, not mental (by that I mean social and personal skills). I'm not saying he had any, just not the same skills as me and that's okay.

This showed up when it came to qualities like: resilience, the capacity to listen to people or empathy for example. These are things that come naturally to me, and at the start he presented himself to be that way but, I quickly realised it wasn't true. He even admitted how difficult it was for him to be attentive when people spoke and he didn't really pay attention when we first started dating (I learnt this 1 year in).
Since he was very into psychology and struggled with these skills, he started devaluing me.
He tried keeping up with his growth but, I think in his mind I was ahead so he gave up and started belittling my value in the relationship.

He compared himself and once openly told me that what I brought was basic and anyone could do it, so I didn't add much of anything.

I don't know if this brings more clarity to you.

[WhitneySnow]

I have no clue but you sound like a great person. Hope you find someone who’s less into competing with you.

[Billlewis]

I don't know why any guy would want to try to compete with you, since you're obviously an absolute Goddess who should be worshipped by every guy around;)

[Anonymous]

There are two type of financial people in this world the rich and those who don't have a pot to piss in aka can kickers.. being a bully & a jersey can fall under both having money & a can kicker.. money can't buy class I've seen people who have money but no class but sadly I have yet to see either someone with money or a can kicker show they have class instead of being a degenerate lowlife

[ThrillSeeker01]

He sounds really insecure. And you sound confident.

[BlackCat999]

Yeah, to be honest... It looks that way as well.

I don't see myself that way but, I do kind of wear an "invisibility mask" when I'm out and socialising.
I am a pretty sensitive person. I'm pretty soft actually, lmao.

Maybe I should change how I present myself. I may be catfishing people involuntarily 🥲

[ThrillSeeker01]

No, I think you should keep doing it. It attracts the right kind of guys.