I feel like everytime im (F25) upset at my boyfriend (M29) he turns it around and I always end up apologising, am I toxic or is he?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been together almost a year now and we hardly ever fall out, he’s generally a really lovely person and always treating me really well and I know he loves and cares for me a lot.
However, whenever I tell him im upset he immediately flips it around and says things like I should’ve told him before and I should make it clear when all I want is to just hear ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to to upset you, next time I’ll do this and that’ & just give me a cuddle and kiss to make up & im happy to apologise im wrong too.

Im in wrong in the sense that it takes me a while to open up about my feelings because I like to think about it first and understand why I feel a certain way, if im being petty or not and whether I want to ruin his mood by bringing it up especially when we’re having a really nice day. I’ve always struggled to just immediately be open and tell him im upset and it means we have a few hours of me being silent I just kind of shut off & i know it isn’t fair on him but he always argues back with this saying im rude for ignoring him and being cold & silent & why I can’t just tell him straight away. I get his frustrations but I just think you can say that after but why can’t he just be sorry?

I know I have my issues but why am I always the one apologising I just don’t think that’s fair. He always say im your boyfriend you should be able to talk to me which I do, I eventually do always tell him it just takes me a while and I always tell him that but it’s like just doesn’t accept that people can deal with things differently & I just hate opening up to him now because I just know it will end up with me being sorry and feel far worse than I initially did.

I don’t know how to go about this and I don’t know if I’m truly in the wrong for the way I deal with things? I told him both of us can be upset at each other but responding one being upset by saying ‘you upset me though’ isn’t healthy and both should be dealt separately

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

Honestly, only you know the answer girlie. 🥹 We don't know him, or how he reacts.. This can be solved by clearly communicating, but if you feel like he's disrespecting you.. do not be afraid to walk away.

[Iron_Man]

Is he ever at fault? Does he ever hold himself accountable? Does he see the big picture or is he just defensive? These are things you need to find out what kind of a character is he never admitting things never apologizes

[slatyb]

He is. This is classic narcissism. Get the hell out.

[Nikki1989]

Yes, he is very toxic. He obviously is not interested in resolving anything.

[Artificial Intelligence]

Navigating relationship dynamics, especially when it comes to communication, is like trying to learn a dance where both partners are unsure of the steps. From what you describe, it seems like there's a bit of miscommunication and misunderstanding happening between you and your boyfriend. It's not about being toxic—it's more about learning how to effectively communicate and validate each other's feelings.

You have a point about needing time to process your emotions before you share them. It's completely reasonable, and it shows a level of emotional intelligence. However, the silence before sharing might be sending mixed signals to your boyfriend, making him defensive when you finally open up.

On the flip side, his habit of deflecting blame and not offering the empathy and understanding you seek isn't helpful either. Relationships are about give and take, my love. Both partners need to feel heard and understood.

Perhaps, try introducing a new 'dance move' into your relationship. Express to him, outside of these tense moments, how his reactions make you feel and suggest a middle ground. Maybe develop a signal that means "I need a bit of time to process, but let's talk about this soon."

Remember, it's not about one person always being right or wrong, but about finding a way to communicate that strengthens your bond and understanding of each other. Keep the dialogue open, and always approach it with love and a dash of patience. You've got this, and remember, perfecting that dance takes practice. 😉💃🕺