Can anyone tell me what is going on?

[Anonymous]

So I (27M from Europe) have dated a local Adian girl (21F) for almost half a year now and we have been official for 3 months.

Due to the culture here Asia its normal for people not to involve friends or family untill you're ready to get engaged so I am still unaware who her friends are and she is unaware of mine as well. Cheating here is really strict (which I really like actually) and even going out for a cup of coffee alone with a member of the opposite sex is considered cheating.

When we started dating (even before going official) she asked for exclusivity straight away and didn't want any games or things going on behind the scenes, I agreed and we drew the line on flirting as cheating.

Now today I have found some of her social media posts where some people responded with hearts and extreemly flirty compliments, she replied the same way even calling them baby.

She told me they were just her female friends after I send the screenshots and to just drop it.

Even if they are her female friends, this would still completely break our no flirting rule.

How do I approach her with this and is it normal for girls to be almost in a relationship with each other?

I dislike the thought very much of sharing her intimate side with anyone else no matter what gender (I'm not against it if she just said something like you're gorgeous, but calling babe and sending hearts is just a no from me).

Note: I have kept myself in the position of not cheating on her and I'm not planning on breaking it just to get back at her.

If anyone needs more info feel free to ask and I'll try to update if needed.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, that's super sketchy behavior on her part. Flirting and calling other girls "baby" is absolutely crossing a line, no matter what gender they are. That's not respecting the boundary you both agreed on.

I'd bring it up to her directly, but stay calm and don't accuse. Just say something like "Hey, I noticed those posts on your social media and wanted to talk about it. Calling other people intimate nicknames like that makes me uncomfortable since we said we wouldn't flirt. Can you help me understand what's going on?"

See how she responds. Pay attention to whether she gets defensive, denies it, or owns up and apologizes. Her reaction will tell you a lot.

It's possible these girls are just close friends, but the flirty language is inappropriate in my opinion when she's in a relationship. She needs to make some boundaries clear with them if she wants your trust.

Don't let her dismiss your feelings - you have a right to feel uncomfortable with this. Hopefully she's willing to reassure you and make some changes to respect your relationship better going forward. But if not, or if she keeps hiding things, that's a red flag man. Your gut is probably already telling you something's up.

Tread carefully here and trust your instincts. Best of luck sorting it out bro!

[Asker]

Thank you, I have done exactly this although she said these are just my friends and then expected me to understand her completely and drop the case.

Now im just wondering what her lines is, I'm not against her hugging her female friends but her intimacy shouldn't be going to other people.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo that's wack as hell dude. She clearly ain't tryna take accountability for her bogus actions.

If she can't even compromise on basic boundaries like not flirting up other chicks, I don't even know what to tell you man. That's straight disrespect.

I feel you on not wanting her all cuddly and intimate with anyone but you. When you're official with someone, that's just common decency 101 ya feel me?

Like she can be friends with whoever, but sending hearts and talking sweet is straight couple stuff. That intimacy is meant for y'all alone as a couple.

Personally if I was you, I'd lay down the law. Let her know you're not trying to control her but she crosses a line, you're gone ghost.

Then follow through too bro! Don't let her disrespect you like that and keep tryna flip it. You know what you saw, don't play blind.

You seem like a honest dude, don't get played. If she can't respect the one boundary (no flirting others), then she don't deserve your time king. You feel me?

Prioritize yourself first homie! Don't let any chick make you second-guess what you saw with your own eyes. Much love my guy, you got this!

[Asker]

Thanks for your opinion, I did some research on this and apparently its very common in this culture.
I would have been okey with it if she would have explained this to me instead but this didn't happen.
She got really angry at me for even making an issue out of it.
She didn't want to hear my points or try to solve this so we could move on either, she just got angry at me.

She has been really mature in the relationship so far and this hasn't happened before, even though it wasn't our first disagreement it was our first argument. She is extreemly supportive and we always exchange texts every day, we also go on a date every week so we will always grow. No matter the weather or work schedules. Even a date to a forest where not a dollar is spent is always enough to satisfy us both. She is also saving herself for marriege and our future goals and views pretty much align

Although my main point I wasn't even able to talk about is that I don't want to have the same relationship with her as she does with her friends.

I haven't met a girl as good as her but if we can't communicate I really doubt its going to work out.

If she cannot communicate and leave issues behind I don't think its going to work out between us but I really hate to give up too quickly.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man that really sucks she got so defensive and wouldn't even listen to your side. Communication is so important in a relationship. Even if flirting with friends is culturally normal for her, she should at least try to understand why it makes you uncomfortable and have an open discussion about it.

It sounds like up until this point you guys had great communication and really cared about each other. I don't think one argument means you need to break up right away, but you're right that if she can't work on communicating better it might not last long term.

A few things I would try:

- Give her some space to cool off from the argument, but then ask to talk again in a few days when emotions aren't as high

- Remind her how much you care about her and the relationship, but that healthy communication is important to you

- Suggest a compromise, like she limits the flirty stuff with friends as a sign of respect for your boundaries

- Maybe even suggest talking to a counselor together so there's a mediator to help you guys work it out

If after really trying to work on it she's still unwilling, then you'll have to decide if you can accept not being heard or if it's a dealbreaker. But at least give the communication another shot before throwing in the towel. I hope she comes around man, good luck! Let me know what happens.

[nameisariel]

as a Asian girl myself, i call my bestie babyboo, love and all those things
women are more emotional so they show it the most, the difference between men and women are clearly obvious
it’s completely normal for a girl to call their best friend names.
but communication is the key, share your concern with her and try to be logical, if she’s truly your girl, she’ll understand and would make it work!

[nameisariel]

also, you’re being a little too much possessive over her.
of course, some girls love it, but if she doesn’t feels comfortable with it your possessiveness might make her feel suffocated.
try to talk it out.

[Asker]

Thank you for your comment,

I talked things out and she was just very angry at me for even bringing this up. We couldn't talk about anything because of this, and honestly I would have dropped the issue if she explained it was normal in this culture. And then asked what my concerns were it were.

I couldnt even get to my point (mainly that I don't want to have the same relationship with her as she does with her friends). And it was just her being angry at me the whole time.

Normally she isn't like this so now I'm just really confused with what to do.

[nameisariel]

it’s obvious you care so much about her and she can’t see it, her reaction isn’t normal at all. don’t get attached to her, you might get hurt in the end!