Should I feel bad for having feelings while my partner is grieving?

[Anonymous]

My partner just lost his mum n I’m trying to be there but he keeps hurting my feelings like he wanted to see his friends he didn’t want to see me, he only sees me for like a hour so he can see his friends I said it makes me feel hurt because I’m there for him all year round when they aren’t. He’s phoning me screaming at me calling me selfish a rat and a burden. I already have mental health and self worth issues so it’s triggered it a lot and I can’t stop crying n he’s making me feel like my feelings are invalid because of his grief and it’s making me feel guilty like am I in the wrong?

[Finchie40]

Grieving sadly to say is something most people don’t have any control over , because everyone grieves in our own ways, I been in your shoes with my ex that was grieving over the loss of her Mom , she pretty much did a big 360 on me to the point I no longer felt close to her anymore and she distanced herself from me , She became very selfish and started prioritizing everyone else but me , I was like a walking punching bag , I could no longer express my feelings of concern to her , she no longer cared about my feelings , Experiencing her grieving wasn’t something I was use to , and something I never did ,! when I grieved over a loss of a loved one , Me personally wants my partner by my side the whole time , but my ex was complete opposite , it was a side of her that I never experienced from her , it was almost like she was cheating on me on how she was acting towards me , I just took care of our kids and kept my distance from her and just started focusing on myself when I realized she wanted no parts of me , I had a constant question mark over my head as to why all of a sudden I was no longer her priority. When I gave up on trying to keep her by my side is when she started coming to me , when she started coming to me I sadly didn’t trust it , mainly because of how long she’d distanced herself from me. It was like I was this wind up toy that she played with when it was convenient for her. To find out she was secretly having an affair with a co worker , That’s when I threw in he towel , and told her to go fuck herself , she has been trying to get me back since then but after experiencing her selfish grieving behavior , I realized I can’t love someone like that , I don’t get into relationships to be single , and sadly it sounds like what your boyfriend is doing to you , Don’t fall for that shit , if he truly loved you he would want you by his side , you don’t push someone you love away from you no matter what happens in life , So his true colors are shining , he is using his Mom’s death to be an excuse for his actions. My advice to you is to just let him go be selfish and focus on yourself , because I know you are hurting inside. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t be excluding you period , He has a selfish mindset that only thinks about what is best for him , Heather he is cheating or not , he is still cheating on the relationship he choose to be in with you , no longer make excuses for his behavior , his true colors are shining , my advice
To you is focus on yourself and let him go , if he comes back to you that/ up to you but don’t bank on it

[BLP11520]

Grief is no excuse to scream at you. I hope he snaps out of it. I never have screamed at a woman, Mom died 6 years ago this coming Monday, friends are supportive , which is an great help. I never lashed out

[wolfcat87]

Nah, he has a right to be furious. Let that man grieve! I had a partner who managed to make every death in my family about him, and it's sickening. THIS ISN"T ABOUT YOU!!! Respect his need to work through his grief his own way or get out of his life so you aren't dragging him down while he's already struggling and hurting. That's the worst, and if you're doing that to him you definitely don't love him. You are actively started problems and making him more miserable just to make yourself feel better. You are selfishly only thinking about you and what you want with no concern about him or what he's going through. That's AWFUL.

[Rei13]

Everyone grieves in different ways. It doesn’t make your feelings less valid and it isn’t okay to say those things to you. I would give him some space and time. He will either come back around or he won’t. He is experiencing a huge amount of grief over the loss of his mom and you shouldn’t take that personally. That said if he isn’t healing/moving past it therapy would be a great option for him. As for you just focus on your other relationships outside of him so that you have a good support network too. It is hard watching the people you love grieve and you shouldn’t neglect yourself either

[OlderAndWiser]

You need to give us some details of your relationship to understand the situation.

[IslaTheWitch]

I know it hurts.

And I don't know him, so I don't know why he does it.

But keep in mind, that we are most open and hurtful with people we let close and we trust them. So it's possible he yells on you because he knows you will understand him. But it's just one of many theories, because I don't know him.

If you are able to do it, just let him do as he wants for some time. I lost my mom 6 years ago. In normal situation I'm not the easiest person to deal with, but then it must be a pure hell for everyone around. My family knowing me just let me be.

If it won't work suggest him seeing a psychologist. Grief should be addressed in the proper way.

But, don't let him treat you this way for longer time. Grief is natural but not hurting people close to us.

[Drooogie4]

Being screamed at/name calling is never okay. Whether or not he's grieving, period. That's abusive behavior.

Aside from that, the being around his friends vs you part... I definitely understand that it is hurtful. But maybe they're the *distraction* he needs. How recently did he lose his mom?

Everyone grieves differently but after about a month or so, I'd have a discussion with him about his excessive time away from you.

[RavVid]

Losing his mother at what about 24 is hard. You can't get comfort from just one person no matter how well intentioned. Give him some space to grieve in.

It sounds like you aren't if he is yelling those things. It seems he is desperately claiming space.

[Altheavas]

You can’t control you feelings and emotions, just control how you react to them. Do not drown yourself in your guilt and do not let your good heart fail you and forget about yourself wishing to help someone out. I would give him space, and send text religiously checking in on him.
Sometimes, I wish the universe was like, please ask permission, if you should or not catch feelings about a person… then we can go our merry way!

[doggylover64]

No, you’re not in the wrong but you also have to understand THEY have feelings as well. Communicate and be on the same level of things.

[Drumlin2001]

Limited info to go on but doesn't sound like you've been very supportive. If he needs his friends to deal. with grief then you should support that, sounds like you're adding to the burden.
That being said, he could probably deal with it better, shouldn't be screaming at you, but he's probably a little emotionally fragile right now

[TonyMetal___86]

Well it's weird that he's treating you like this while you're trying to be there for him...

He must be thankful that there is a girl who truly loves and cares about him while he's passing in this harsh situation...

Personally if i have a girlfriend, i'll surely pick her over my friends anytime, also will cherish her and be thankful for her to stand by my side...

A person will never appreciate what he have until he tastes the pain of loneliness and lose what he have!

[bededazzle]

you’re never in the wrong for simply communicating your feelings to a partner

[worldscolide]

Yeah he is grieving.. but he is also an asshole.. I have lost family in the last 5 years, Not once did i treat my wife like that. sorry but i think you can do better than him

[sage2021]

I don't know if you do any type of drugs or drink alcohol, but if you don't and he wants to get high he will want to get high with his friends. He feels if you are there, he can't get high.

Just sayin'

[blueonblack22]

Normally I would tell any other girl to dump, block and run any man acting this way asap. But he’s in shock right now.

How long ago did this happen?

[LiamJHayden]

You do not control "having feelings" but only how you react.

[Anonymous]

You have the right to be mad or worried. It's also understandable he's reacting this way but I don't know why he's choosing his friends over you. There's something in it

[Lokiion]

I mean he’s probably know the friends for a much longer time I think a lot of guy would rather be with there friends then his girlfriend in this case

[Joshydavid25]

I understand how you feel and that you want to be there for him, and he shouldn't called you a rat.. But in this moment maybe the man just wants greive with his friends.. Maybe he knew them for a long time and is grieving with them..

[Staximus]

Get rid of this guy, you don't need to be treated like that

[Anonymous]

He's sad and most men won't cry/talk about feelings in front of their girl. Let the guy do what works for him.

[Wood3nWhal3]

I don't know what is going through this nitwits head but come through and we can talk about it

[WhitneySnow]

You are not in the wrong

[HouseMoat]

Don't make it about you