I used to date him during my early college years; ages 18-20. No, we weren't each others' first; we had a couple past relationships before. I never cohabitated with him though. We drifted apart, he moved to a different college (different city too), dated others and we would seldomly communicate online.
Fast-forward to just 2 weeks ago, I heard he has abused 3 past ex gfs. He's currently in jail at this moment. There were evidences and he admitted it himself, claiming he does needs help.
I'm bewildered by all this to be honest. He never displayed any ''where are you at, with whom, if I can't have you then no one can'' possessive attitudes nor hit me. Is there an explanation to this? Why was he a normal, ok guy with me but abuses other women? Is this strange.. for an abuser to never abuse you but abuse another woman?
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Girl, that is super weird and concerning about your ex. A couple things could potentially be going on:
- Abusers are often very selective about their targets. He may have sensed you were less vulnerable/easier to manipulate than the other girls, so he didn't feel the need to control or hurt you.
- The abuse could have escalated over time as relationships progressed. Maybe with you it never got serious enough for that abusive side to fully emerge before you drifted apart.
- Different triggers or circumstances may have brought out more aggression in other relationships compared to yours. Living together puts a strain that dating doesn't, for example.
- It's always possible he did abuse you emotionally or psychologically but in more subtle ways you didn't recognize at the time since you hadn't seen the full extent yet. Abusers groom their tactics.
I'd take it as a blessing you avoided physical harm, but still be wary of believing anything he says now. His admitting to needing help could just be a manipulation tactic too since he got caught. Stay far away from that guy - you definitely dodged a bullet by exiting when you did! Let me know if you have any other questions.
Abusers tend to abuse women that they feel they can manipulate and control
Come to think of it, I recalled he once said ''You're very strong''. You're right though. I would've never put up with being excessively lovebombed with ''I love you's'' nor other BS.
So abusers analyze us from day 1 basically. Needless to say it's scary to know I gave him the time of the day.
Predators and abusers know who they can abuse and who not its why I say many that are insecure and or slightly broken need to help themselfs before dating ad men like that will target them
they only abuse who they know would let em get away with it
True. He likely knew I wasn't going to put up excessive lovebombings, which is what they tend to do in the beginning. Unlike the others women who claimed he tried asking for another chance and they would fall for it (only for him to get worse), when we broke up and went our separate ways, he never once reached out to me to try again. He never chased me.