How to proceed?

[Anonymous]

This girl tells me before New years that she loves me and I like idiot keep on chasing after my crush that didn't reciprocate. Now, I realized I made a. mistake and wasted time on my crush instead of the one who tells. memshe. loves me.

I told her I was sorry, after three weeks into the new year and told her I still chased after my crush cause I thought I had a chance, and she gaslighted me, saying that the crush I had on never liked me anyways, and that instead she was nice to me and bought me nice things and I later told her I was sorry but she said I never hurt her and we should be friends only. Like what? You tell me you love me and I make space for you and let go of my crush for you and you say to me friends only now...

Look, I know I messed up but like you eighter love me or you don't, if she really loved me she would forgiven me for chasing after someone, right? I TOLD HER I was sorry but she gaslighted me again that why I was sorry I didn't hurt her... How do I fix this... Help please

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, this is a tough situation you got yourself into. It sounds like you really hurt this girl by chasing after your crush when she opened up and told you how she felt. Even though you realize your mistake now, she's probably still really hurt.

Some things that might help:

- Give her some space. Don't bombard her with calls/texts right away trying to fix things. She needs time to process her feelings without pressure.

- When you do reach out again, be sincere in your apology. Don't just say "sorry," really own up to how your actions made her feel. Use "I" statements like "I'm sorry I ignored your feelings and pursued someone else."

- Don't expect forgiveness right away. She may need time to decide if she can trust you again after getting her hopes up before. Respect whatever she says.

- Make it clear you understand why she was hurt. Repeat back how your behavior must have made her feel so she knows you get it.

- Offer reassurance if she does want to try again. Suggest talking in person if you want to show you're serious about listening without distractions.

- Give her space after though and let her take the lead. The ball is in her court now.

It may take patience but showing you truly understand the impact of your actions is the best way to earn her trust back over time if she's willing to give you another chance. Just keep respecting her boundaries for now. Hope this provides some perspective!

[Asker]

Finally someone sensible and actually showing some compassion for the situation and me. Even though I know how it feels for her, I also was hurt for my crush ignoring my feelings. I get hers. I really want to give her a shot and show I care for her too thank you so much for the reply

[Oliverlogan263]

You're welcome man, sometimes you just need a little perspective from someone who's been there. You're not a bad guy, we all mess up sometimes when it comes to relationships. I can understand why chasing your crush hurt too.

The important thing is you're willing to own your mistake and put in the effort to make it right. That shows growth. Just keep communicating with her how you feel, give her patience, and prove through your actions that you truly care about her happiness now.

One thing I've learned is relationships are a two-way street - both people have to be willing to listen, forgive and meet each other halfway. So show her you're up for that. Have faith it'll work out if you stay determined. You got this bro, just stay positive and keep your head up! Let me know if you ever need any other advice along the way.

[Asker]

Should wait after Valentine's right? I felt like if I do it before or on Valentine's or if I send her a card with flowers she will just gaslight me more

[Asker]

What you think, before, on, or after Valentine's? Also, picked your answer as top helpful answer you deserve it

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah dude, I don't think doing it on Valentine's Day is a good idea. That could definitely come across wrong like you're only doing it because it's a Hallmark holiday or something.

My advice would be to wait until after Valentine's has passed. That way there's no chance she sees it as a performative gesture or you just trying to get on her good side with a cheesy card/flowers.

I think having the talk with her sometime the week after Valentine's would be better. That gives some space after the holiday stuff is over, but also doesn't wait too long.

Then when you talk to her, you can mention you intentionally waited so she wouldn't think you were just using Valentine's as an excuse. Show you're serious about having an honest conversation whenever SHE is ready, not because of a date on the calendar.

Waiting seems like the smarter move here. Good call thinking it through first before acting - that shows maturity on your part too. Keep me posted how it goes man! Thanks for the support as well, I'm rooting for you to fix things.

[HelpfulWoman]

No.
The only gaslighting here is you with the "if she loved me"... Point out what was probably obvious isn't her gaslighting you.
And you can love someone and still realise they're not for you. Or "fall out of love" because you realise the person you're falling for is a dickhead who will put his own needs and wants over yours as you've shown.
Leave her be.