How would you talk to a spouse that is bad with money, and comes from a family bad with money?

Question

It's no secret that I married someone who is very poor with money. I helped my husband get out of credit card debt, car debt, phone debt, personal loans, scams. It's been a challenge for me and now we're in a tough position where our house is falling apart and we can't afford the payments, so we sold the house to move into my mom in law's to save up and restart with a better house. But we're moving next week and my husband is saying things like oh now that we're saving money by moving in with her we can buy a new game system, car, go on vacation etc.

I tried explaining that's not how saving money works, but he is stressing me the heck out and my mom in law agrees with him! She's like yesss go spend that extra money. And like wtf I feel so alone and money problems give me so much anxiety. I feel like my heart is going to explode.

I just want to cry, but there's honestly no time to cry between my full time job, caring for my daughter, making breakfasts, lunches, dinners, packing, and cleaning. Does anyone else bottle it up? How would you try and talk to someone you care deeply for, about money problems? I feel burnt out and like a broken record, so maybe some fresh advice will do both of us some good.

GuyAnswersGirls123 · Accepted Answer

My wife's a little bit like this although she comes from a good family.

She's not very materialistic but her thing is that she can't resist every single vacation invite from our friends, every single destination wedding, every single invite to hang out in different parts of Japan like Tokyo from where we live. She'll spend every last dime to spend time with our friends if she were free to do so; she can't say "no".

So I have to be the more disciplined one between us, compromise on how many of such trips we can take per year, get cheaper hotel nearby even if all of our friends are staying at a more expensive hotel (not a big deal if they're just within walking distance), etc.

My main rule is that even though we share our income, we always put a good percentage of our spare money in a savings account and we never withdraw from it unless it's a real emergency. This is not money to spend on an unanticipated vacation. This is like "one of us is diagnosed with cancer" type of money. Also that money is not hers; I consider the rest of our money "ours" but that savings money is "mine" to withdraw and spend at my discretion. I don't tolerate even the gentlest suggestion to use it for anything but what I decide; immediately I will shut it down (not in a mean way but firm).

Maybe a system like this will work for you.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

First off you need to know and understand YOUR WAY is not THE WAY. You are equals in this relationship. If you don't believe that then you need to fix that problem first.

Now that I've said that I happen to agree with you. But you will ALWAYS be 50% of the decision making. If you weren't OK with that then you should have fell in love with a man who was OK with you taking a more dominant role in this.

My advice to you is this ask him to sit down with you and decide what your finances are. Where you want to be in a year, 3 years., 5yrs., 10 years., 20 years. Etc. And then come to a consensus how to get there. You can do this while creating a wishlist for things you want along the way like game systems. The point is you guys need a blueprint because it sounds like you're completely on 2 different wavelengths. You don't have to think completely alike. In fact your differences can actually be a plus. But you do have to be united in your life goals or you're always going to have problems. Maybe create and incentive plan since he's the more frivolous one. Like for every 1000 dollars he saves he can blow a 100 dollars on games. Something like that. So you both get what you want.

StarWarGirl · Accepted Answer

If even now your husband doesn't listen you, doesn't let you to take and decide upon your financial decision, even after seeing all this then this husband is really going to give you really really really very tough time so much that one day you would be tierd to keep fighting and still situation would be same you both would reach nowhere.

Try to take strong step try to make him let you control finance and financial decisions. Stand strong and fight for it untill he finally agrees on this and listen. Or else sorry dear he will be sinking your boat being a hole there at bottom.

IslaTheWitch · Accepted Answer

I would separate bank accounts, stop making him breakfast, clean his stuff, etc. Focus on your daughter and job. If he understands - great. If he doesn't, you already have done more than anyone could expect from you. You have your life to live.

Also pay costs only for your daughter and you. He has to pay for himself. Maybe when he will be busy with taking care of himself, he understands what matters...

LazerBean · Answer

Shouldn't have married him and expected anything good to come from it.

Give him a list of his half of the cleaning duties, and let him know that your bank account situation is going to have to change of he can't be trusted with money.

jamesgoldman · Answer

Leave him My father's terrible with money and my mother divorced him, he's learned to get better with no-one else to rely on

laly520 · Answer

he doesn't seem to want to understand ig u will have more hard times

How would you talk to a spouse that is bad with money, and comes from a family bad with money?

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