Am I really stringing along my girlfriend for not telling her I'm asexual?

[Anonymous]

She assumed I'm a patient man that has self-control. Though she has expressed to eventually wanting to take things to the next level. Her assumption is wrong though. It's not about having self-control nor being a patient man. I don't have much sex drive; little to none. It's lower than even a reserved, shy woman.

I'm ok with making-out, holding hangs and hugs though. I still feel attraction towards women but I just don't feel like having sex. Our relationship is great without arguments. I just haven't told her that. I don't want to lose her though. I wish I can keep her. Am I really stringing her along?

Yes

No

[JoePro_]

She's expecting to have sex with you at some point, which is important for the vast majority of relationships. You're saying (to yourself) that sex is off the table. Yes, you're stringing her along. And I would even go so far as to say that even if she decides to stay with you, saying that she's okay with not having sex, she's being dishonest with herself. She's just saying that because she's already connected with you and doesn't want to lose what you have. But I almost guarantee that she'll have feelings of resentment toward you for the rest of your relationship together if you continue dating her, even marrying her, because you took away something important to her. Sex, and the potential prospect of having babies at some point. You'll have robbed her of her youth and taken away any opportunity she might have had to find a man who wants to have a family with her, or at least a normal sex life. She'll be in her 40s or 50s before things fall apart and she finally decides to divorce you, and likely won't find another husband after that. End the relationship before you destroy her. Get a roommate, or even some pets, if all you're looking for is company. And if you ever want a normal relationship, you might consider seeing a doctor about your low sex drive.

[Asker]

I know she's expecting sex at some point. I was able to have sex on rare times on my last two relationships. If I had to do it, I can do once or twice a month but nothing more. I wouldn't mind getting married and having sex to at least have a child, then having little sex.
I'll have to tell her unfortunately and likely lose a great relationship, a wonderful girl. I suppose I have to now limit my future relationships (after this one ends) to just asexual women. It's hard finding someone like me though.

[aceleon]

once a month? you trully are an asexual, do you think this is any compromising on your part? normal people does have sex everyday or several times a day everyday sometimes.

[Asker]

@aceleon
I know and I can't do that. Everyday is too much for me. That would feel like trying to force feed you on a full stomach and you don't want it.

[RSav4013]

Yes, you're stringing her along. People commonly expect sexual engagement as a staple of a romantic relationship. It might be hard for someone that is asexual to understand, but sexual affection is a considered a need for many people. To put your circumstance into a semi-relatable perspective, it would be similar to going to a restaurant, ordering a full course meal that you know you love and having to wait for them to prepare it only to find that when it's delivered to you the main entree is missing and there's no way to re-order. The sad news for you, if you want to have a successful romantic relationship you will likely need to do one or a combination of these things.

• Find a partner that is also asexual
• Clearly communicate to your partner that you are asexual and what exactly that means to set clear expectations
• Compromise and engage your partner sexually (if you can do so)
• Find other ways to satisfy your partners sexual needs

I hope this helps!

[Asker]

I came clean and she couldn't handle it. She broke up. Yes I'll narrow my search to just asexual women.

[PetLover24]

Of course you're stringing her along. You're the same as a man telling a woman wanting children - next year, next year, next year - and never wanting a child at all.

And you know you're stringing her along.

Which makes me wonder if this relationship is so great why haven't you just simply sat her down & said - look X I am not against sex I just don't really need it. Not everyone needs sex 24/7. I am content with little sex but when I am with my partner I desire, I have an extremely high sex drive... as in my boyfriend & I can go 5-7 times a night.

By the way if you were asexual you'd never have sex but you admitted to having sex with previous partners. Your low sex drive is likely due to mental health issues, high levels of stress / anxiety, medications can do this, dietary issues, maybe past tramua. All of which can be potentially cured if you actually looked into the situation.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I would rather know from the beginning. I am not staying abstinent in my single days just to keep being deprived of sex when I get into a relationship too.

I’d like to have the freedom of choice and a knowledge of this fact before I catch feelings.

[OlderAndWiser]

If this was all so perfectly fine and okay, you would have already told her. Almost every person who is dating and looking for a relationship has a goal of eventually having a sexual relationship with their partner, and you know that, too! Yes, you will probably lose this relationship but you can lose it now or lose it later, after youy have wasted even more of her life.

[Asker]

If I lose this relationship, then I'll have to narrow my search to asexual women. It's hard to find someone similar if you're in the minority.

[OlderAndWiser]

That is what you should have been doing from the beginning. This woman has become your victim! Do you have that little regard for her feelings?

[Finchie40]

Yea you are a selfish person if you didn’t tell her the truth in the beginning of the relationship , so yes you are stringing her along for your own selfish benefit , so you are best to be honest with her and let her make a decision on why here she wants to continue staying with you or not

[Asker]

I just told her yesterday and she left. I tried to reach a compromise of few sex, once or twice a month but she didn't agree.

[Finchie40]

You are best to find yourself an asexual girl

[sean1234]

it took me 2 seconds to find this, but then again you got to believe it and know where to look...

Vegans have higher sex drives. Stock up on cayenne pepper, leafy greens, figs, pumpkin seeds, dark chocolate, and almonds – great sources of vitamin B and zinc, which elevate testosterone levels and sexual desire – ahead of your activities for a fruitful celebration.

https://www.peta.org.uk/blog/vegan-lovers/#:~:text=Vegans%20have%20higher%20sex%20drives.&text=Stock%20up%20on%20cayenne%20pepper,activities%20for%20a%20fruitful%20celebration.

To make a long story sir, ITS YOUR DIET that is the problem!!!

"Asexual"... PSHHHHHH!!!

[sean1234]

2ndly, dont have sex before marriage, that goes for all.

[deus_ex_sisyphus]

Your relationship needs are being fully met, yet hers are not. You have a one-sided relationship, what do you imagine she's going to do, if she wanted kids? The reason why you are not telling her you are asexual, is because you know you are string the relationship out.

[Asker]

If she wanted kids, then I wouldn't mind having sex once in a while. In my last two relationships, I had sex on rare occasions, twice a month. It can be done but not as much as a sexual person. I'm not against having kids though.
Ideally it would be great if I had a life partner, had a child with her but very little sex.

[slatyb]

Your behavior is highly unethical. You are using her. You need to tell her the truth about yourself so she can make an informed decision about whether to continue the relationship.

[Asker]

How am I using her if I'm not even making sexual moves? I'm not even craving it. Usually the users are the normal, sexual men that lovebomb a woman and use her for sex. My feeling for her are true. I do love and care for her. I take her out on dates, we go on trips and share quality time together.

[Asker]

A man that uses women would generally be for sex wouldn't it?

[slatyb]

That's not true at all. You are withholding information that you know could cause her to terminate the relationship. You've already lied about it, either directly or by omission. You are stealing her time to meet your own selfish needs.

This isn't good for you either. You can never feel loved by anyone as long as you are lying about who you are.

[SolitarySolace]

She's gonna want sex with you and if you don't give it to her she will cheat on you eventually and blame you for her cheating. That's what happened to me. I'm asexual too. Now I hate women because they all cheated on me

[Asker]

That sucks. Why does it always have to be about sex? Couldn't relationships be about sharing wonderful quality time outdoors, going on vacations, enjoying its beautiful mountains, connection emotionally, etc. There is so much in life than just sex.

[SolitarySolace]

That’s what I’ve been saying but everyone I tell that same thing to tells me that there can’t be love without sex. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[SolitarySolace]

I think it’s because women know they gain power over men through sex. That’s all they really want.

[_piotr]

@SolitarySolace I also think that based on my observations.

[SolitarySolace]

I’m glad you agree, @_piotr

[aceleon]

yes.

why have a relationship with a non-asexual girl if you are an asexual?

what will you do when she wants sex herself?

[Asker]

We just broke up yesterday. I came clean about it and she couldn't handle it.

[PeachyPie93]

Yes you need to tell her. Most people sadly won't want to date apeople unless they too are asexual.

[Asker]

It really sucks that we're the minority. I'm trying to understand what's so great about having sex.

[PeachyPie93]

It just feels good and brings the ultimate bonding between two people. I guess it isn't needed in relationships but it is honestly the only time I feel true love from another person.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing your answer. Meanwhile for me I already feel the close, special bond through the quality time spent outside and the times we were laying down on the grass, talking about different topics and kissing.

[ChicoFromThe305]

I think so but are you 100% certain you are asexual or just a very low sex drive cause there's a difference, sex drive can be highered, not having any kinda remains that way.

[Asker]

I believe it's super low, which is the same. Some of us can still have sex few times but don't mind being without it and don't really crave it like crazy like many people do. In the past relationships, I was still able to have sex but rarely, twice a month at most. That eventually led to a break-up. Even then, my fantasies never include anything sexual. It's about just flying in the sky, being at restaurants sharing passionate kisses with the woman I love or hiking the mountains.

[Anonymous]

I know you’re trying to sound sophisticated by using the term “asexual” but you can’t be shocked when someone you enter into a romantic relationship assumes that you want to be in a romantic relationship. It’s like showing up to a steakhouse and being appalled when the server assumes you’re not a vegetarian.

[HelpfulWoman]

well yes. you are intentionally hiding something that is important to know

[Asker]

I know but by the time I tell her, the relationship wil be over. Sadly

[HelpfulWoman]

So? You didn't disclose important information. You don't deserve a relationship when you're not honest. You're being a shitty person and now are blaming it on the non asexual

[Asker]

Yet women hate it when the normal, sexual men lovebombed them and used them for sex. With us, she wouldn't have to worry about that since I can go without sex for as long as possible.
I get it... it's still being dishonest. Though wouldn't I be less of an jerk than those men?

[HelpfulWoman]

No. You're still a immature asshole who's dictating the narrative by lying and hiding so you get your way.
You're EXACTLY like the dickhead you're trying to "better than"

[Asker]

I just came clean about it and she left me, couldn't handle the compromise of sex once or twice a month. I'm going to narrow my search for just asexual women from now on.

[HelpfulWoman]

didn't need an update on this moronic saga. hopefully everyone else can see your red flags and avoid regardless :)

[Peridot25]

This is what happens when you keep something that big away from her for this long. So be prepared for her to feel being lead on and her leaving you. She’ll lose her trust for you.

[Asker]

I'll come clean about it and yes it's likely she'll break up. At most I can reach a compromise of having sex twice a month. I tried to do that in my last 2 relationships but they dumped me too. They wanted more but I can't give more.

[DarkWinterNights]

Get a physical and your hormones checked first. If everything looks normal, than yes- you need to tell her sooner rather than later.

[Asker]

yeah and she'll likely break up

[DarkWinterNights]

She’ll definitely break up if you keep important secrets from her.

[Berethor]

Yea, you wasting her time, you hidding something very important from her on purpose.

[Asker]

I know. I feel bad but it's hard finding a woman like me. The last two relationships also ended in a break-up because they expected more sex. I couldn't give them that. I tried my best, giving it twice a month; that's the most I could do. I can't do anymore.

[MsBrie]

Tell Her, be honest, if She accepts You it's a weight off Your mind.

[Asker]

and if it's over then I would have to narrow my dating preference for just asexual women

[Tstrbrainer]

You shouldn't be bothering yourself with relationships.
I'm curious, if you have little to no sexual desires, why are you even in a relationship

[Asker]

I'm not against having a romantic relationship and having a child in the future. You're confusing asexual with aromantic. As an asexual, I still find women attractive, I love the romantic (not sexual) aspect of the relationship, spending quality time, going on trips and vacations, being outdoors, sharing kisses, everything except the bedroom.
I can reach a compromise of sex once or twice a month though and sex to at least have a child. I love the idea of a life partner but very few sex.

[Tstrbrainer]

I'm not confusing between asexual and aromantic , I just can't get my head around why would anyone bother with hanging around the opposite gender if they don't have much sexual desires.

What about friendships? You might be able to do most of the things you want, maybe except for kids and kisses 🤔

[Asker]

Yet I can't understand why it has to always be about sex with the opposite sex? Is that the only single thing a relationship is about, to have sex every single day with them? What about the close emotional bond, the hobbies you share with them, your family getting along with them, the vacation trips, laying in the grass and telling each other your childhood secrets, them being your most trusted long-term companion, etc.

[Asker]

I still have desires for a long-term partner (can be marriage too if that's what she wants; I would propose right away) with a child but a woman similar to me, an asexual woman I can share my life with.

[Tstrbrainer]

I don't know to answer your questions about relationship, but if you want a good relationship, better bring up that you are asexual at the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you're an asshole. I know you can't imagine it, but TRY and reverse the situation. How the hell would you feel when you found out?

[Asker]

I get your point. If most men my age or younger have normal sex drives, it would make them feel unwanted and some might cheat.

[Opinion Owner]

You need to tell her right now. Yesterday!

[Asker]

I just came clean about it. She left me. I tried reaching a compromise of sex done once or twice a month but she was shocked and couldn't understand it.

[Opinion Owner]

Good for you both. She deserved to know. She didn't really "leave you" - she would never have stuck around this long if you'd have been up front from the start. Now she's free to find a more compatible mate, as are you. You can advertise for a girl with a very low sex drive or an asexual girl, and keep it honest. You'll both be happier in the short AND long run.

[CharlotteNoivern]

Come out is the hardest part

[Asker]

I will but I'm going to lose her

[CharlotteNoivern]

You lose her, You lose her if she aren't willing to accept you after coming out then its on her, out of curoisty how old are?

[Asker]

I'm 32 and she's 26.

[CharlotteNoivern]

Your old enough to make that choice and accept it. She will either reject you or accept you.

[Asker]

Ok I'll come out. I'll keep you all posted.

[laly520]

u have to tell her

[Asker]

and it's likely she's going to break-up... sucks

[laly520]

better than hiding

[Anonymous]

christ dude, tell her asap.

[Asker]

I will and I'm prepared for the relationship to be over. I'm sad.

[Asker]

It's sad. There is more to a relationship, to life than sex.

[Opinion Owner]

i know but if she wants to take things to the next level, you are holding her back which isn't right