Do you think people who go back to cheaters are weak and lack respect for themselves?

[Anonymous]

I had a co-worker once who was married for 6 years (no kids) and only found out through his mistress who actually called her, that after a full year of sleeping with her husband (who travelled a lot for work which is why she had no clue), she was pregnant but had gotten an abortion. The mistress wanted her to know what kind of husband she actually had, I guess in the attempt to break them up. Guess that didn't work because my co-worker eventually went back to her husband.

I just could not keep thinking why you would ever go back with someone who betrayed you that hard, lied to you that long, and never actually came clean on their own. Maybe I could sort of kind of maybe see if it was just a kiss that one time and he admitted it or she admitted it straight out, perhaps you could work that s--t out, but a full year of cheating and she was pregnant, like is it just me, or I feel like you have no respect for yourself going back to someone like that who could deceive you and hurt you day after day and risk your health as he wasn't clearly using a condom.

[Johnny_162]

I think a partner deserves some empathy, especially when it is the other person who chose them and all their flaws in the first place, true love is not conditional like that. Cheating isn't quite such a big deal to different people at different levels of maturity. To think that it is automatically an end-all-be-all type of thing for everybody is quite naive. You can still have deep emotional and physical bonds that don't just go away when someone cheats on you, especially when there are children together, a home that has been made, many years of memories, etc. There can be many reasons for cheating behavior, and every single situation is different. It's up to an individual to decide for themselves if something is worth saving, after many deep discussions and bringing everything into the light where root causes can be dug up and examined. In summary, I think it depends on the people, the situations, and other factors. It may or may not be because of the reasons you described. Something as complex of a situation as that cannot be simplified to fit into the same shoebox like that, everytime, for everybody, and every situation. Ultimately, I think it is her business to do as she sees fit, and I wouldn't expect anyone else to be able to understand how she has perceived things from within herself.

[Finchie40]

Yes, they have very low self esteem about themselves , and lack confidence in themselves to the point they are desperate and scared to be alone. I slept with a married women for 6 months and didn’t know she was married until her husband knocked on my door , I told him the truth about her and I and I immediately ended it with her for lying to me. Her husband took her back which was a complete shock to me

[Caramalkisses23]

That’s not true at all. Nothing against you but you can’t speak on how someone else feels based on their actions. You’re on the outside looking in. Unless you took someone back because u had low self esteem then u can’t say that’s why other people do it. I grew up in a family where being with one man was important. That was my mindset- be with one man. So when I did find him and he cheated, I stayed because I thought in a relationship you had to learn to accept mistakes, be forgiving, compromise… that included cheating. I wasn’t insecure because I KNEW that I could find better. I knew there was good men out there and I believed I could have them. I just loved him and thought I could help him be a better person. He had a hard life and I knew that and I tried to work around it. I basically wasted time trying to fix someone and I didn’t want to give up on him even though he was consistently hurting me. I wasn’t scared to be alone. I wasn’t desperate for love. However, I was in love with him and wanted to experience the good parts of him. I would say when I started to become more protective over myself and asking myself why he deserved someone like me when he can’t even give me an ounce of what I give him then I walked away. Basically it wasn’t being desperate for love, it was being desperate for a healthy relationship with him.

[Finchie40]

Well the fact that he cheated on you , should have been your answer to walk away , and understanding in yourself that you deserve to be treated the same way you treat someone in return , m. By you giving him another chance basically just let him know it was ok for him to cheat on you and he more than likely did it to you again. I know everyone makes mistakes , but cheating is not a mistake , it’s a choice a selfish choice , He chose to walk away from you to be inside of another girl , Even God says people can walk away from their marriages if they were cheated on. So that’s why I don’t take back cheating girlfriends period

[Caramalkisses23]

And you’re right, I accepted so much- he didn’t respect me. And he knew he could keep doing it because he knew I would accept him. But I was so blinded by thinking he would change, I didn’t think that way. And it should’ve been enough to walk away but again- I grew up with everyone around me being married and working on all issues including cheating. They never let go. Some are still married to their husbands and their fine. So I only answered so u learned that not everyone stays out of insecurity or lack self- respect. It’s based on what’s normal for them. I truly grew up in a community where all the men cheat. And even kids grow up saying “all men cheat”. So when u think like that, you’ll find a lot of people who accept a cheater because it’s so prevalent in the community that it’s a big deal but not.

[Finchie40]

I’m sorry to hear that happened to you , and the same thing happened to me as well with my ex wife , so cheating occurs on both sides , it all comes down to selfishness , If you can’t remove selfishness for your partner , don’t expect them to remove it for you , Why I no longer rush into a relationship with a girl because I had my fair share of selfish ones lol

[Finchie40]

Follow me back

[Asker]

Wow, that sucks. It's also super scary to be in a situation like that because this guy might assume you knew and do something bad to you. Glad that didn't happen. Relationships involve reciprocity and if it's a one way street, and they're out there doing whatever with others, constantly lying, and hiding, that is 100% lack of respect and certainly lack of reciprocity. How does one not fear that this person will do it again. You, six months, the co-worker an entire year and an almost baby later. Gosh...

[Anonymous]

I don’t think so. But again- that’s coming from a person who kept going back. However, it takes a lot of strength to stay in a situation that causes you pain. It’s easier to run away if you ask me.
I’ve been in 2 relationships. The first one I never let go, specifically because I only wanted to be with one man. I would give my all, compromising, accepting everything, being extremely forgiving. And after 9 years, I was so drained I had no other choice but to let go. Now I’m with someone that is the complete opposite. However, anything that may reminds me of the past, I run. And honestly- it’s easier emotionally but I feel weaker because I run. My first relationship, I grew and learned so much. And honestly, I feel like a better person because of it. I don’t regret taking him back each time. But moving forward, I learned that if you keep giving them chances, all you’re doing is showing them that you will accept anything.

[Dinklex3]

Maybe she’s cheating as well or maybe he provides a lifestyle that she’s not willing to give up. If she doesn’t really love him, I can see her not getting super upset.

[Nutzy]

I personally don't think I have ever been cheated on but who knows? But if I was to catch or find out that's it for me. be ause I have never cheated. I COULDENT look someone in the eyes that loves me and know that I betrayed there trust and broke a tie between us that I hold very strong. Then again I can see how some people will look past it because they think they can't do better or financialy can't leave. I'm not going to stare into a cheaters eyes while we're having sex I wouldn't be able to get the image out of my head. Nope I'm gone

[BrotherBane]

I remember reading this comment from elsewhere:

"Women are ok with cheating as long as their husband doesn't spend all his money on other women. Giving away resources is more threatening than physical cheating."

I've also seen this question being asked in some podcasts and some of the women were ok with their partners cheating as well, as long as they were the "main girl".

[JacobJordan]

Not just lack of self respect. But complete stupidity too. You don't accidentally cheat on your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. Meaning to cheat you have to rationalize it. The first time is the hardest to rationalize. After that it is easy. As a result staying with a cheater is just stupidity to levels bordering on brain damage.

[Flatmanlewis]

I agree with you wholeheartedly. The one time I caught an ex cheating (not literally but I found an email which was pretty damning.) I left on the spot. We didn’t even talk about it. I packed and left within 24hrs.

[Asker]

It would be a trust thing for me. I could never trust that the person would be honest because they never admitted it like the co-worker or your ex. They got caught, then what can they say after that to make it better...to me, nothing.

[lucas262]

Friend of my bro, took back his wife. Who cheated again. My sis God cheated on, didn't take him back yet.

I can only speak for me. I'd never get over it. For a woman to let another man touch her you have to become less than in her mind and you don't get that back, on top of a broken trust I couldn't get back if I wanted it. One and done for me.

[LiamJHayden]

Not always. Some do so because they believe the person has truly repented or there are children. Might not seem like good reasons to me, but I do not think it makes them weak.

Others, though, yes, do so because they fear being alone or do not want to lose a comfortable situation.

[JHAYES317]

Depends on what you qualify as cheating…emotional cheating, forgivable. Physical cheating, unless there’s some serious gray area, like other people reporting the affair partner took advantage of them, is unforgivable

[Asker]

read the story above....

[AlcoholicAngel]

People who go back to cheaters are a specialix of a) Stupid, gullible, brain-dead, naiive and b) heartbroken, hurting, desperate, forgiving, and deserve to be protected at all costs, whether by a friend or a future lover.

[jshm2]

No. As mistakes can happen, we're all human.

But it's a case by case basis of judgement.

[Asker]

Do you honestly think "a mistake" lasts an entire year? Can you say that and believe that? Mistake is the one time...and forgiveness I believe can come from that person being truthful about that and their failings to their partner, not you found out a year later and only because the mistress called you.

[sheikalana]

I only think that way when they're young, not married and don't have kids. If you're married and having kids the situation is completely different.

[JHAYES317]

Nah…if someone cheats in a marriage you have to initiate divorce and separate immediately unless there’s some seriously gray area going on…

[sheikalana]

@JHAYES317 that's the thing you don't HAVE TO just because you think that's the right thing to do. Cheating is not a deal breaker for everyone. Sometimes people cheat and later on they genuinely regret what they did and they're actually willing to amend their mistakes and commit. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives.

[JHAYES317]

Seems like you’ve cheated lol. For me physical cheating is a dealbreaker or emotional cheating with the intent of physical cheating, unless there is major gray area like they were taken advantage of. Emotional cheating that has no physical intent is forgivable though, assuming they express genuine remorse. If they’ve physically cheated in a PAST relationship and it many years ago and there was some ambiguity to it like they were blackout drunk or something

[Kelly6]

Totally agree,
After marriage they want to keep their family for kids rather then break up

[sheikalana]

@JHAYES317 I've never cheated and I don't think ever will. We can disagree and have different opinions and that's fine. To me emotional cheating is much worse than physical cheating. Knowing that my partner has feelings for someone is way more hurtful to me.

[JHAYES317]

How? Physical cheating can give you incurable STDs and unplanned pregnancy…emotional cheating just hurts your feelings…clearly physical is much worse

[sheikalana]

@JHAYES317 just because is ‘much worse’ to you doesn’t mean it has to be much worse to everyone.

[Kelly6]

Exactly

[Kelly6]

people who forgive their cheating partner and keep their relationship are not weak to me.

instead they mentally strong.

[Asker]

How so?

[Radiate143]

In many cases, yes. Other cases have higher stakes and there is a strategy.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

For married people I think it's different because it's a family unit so I can understand if they want to keep the family together but for boyfriend or girlfriend I think they lack self respect to get back with a cheater.

[he-takes-a-part]

Most genius and most accommodative stance person. One of the most purest souls are these. Whom you can't even hurt by any means. Their depth is not easily conceivable. But if they decide to leave you then you lost a gem.

[firenine909]

I think they’re either horny or can’t handle the pressures of dating.

[butterly248]

In some way, we are yes. I can't explain the emotional grip that they have over you.

[Asker]

Do you think that it's really hard to see the big picture when you're in it, or is it more than that?

[Mangospacho]

Yes. And yes. And they usually expect the guy to just magically get tired of cheating and become faithful.

[lexijoanna]

Yes definitely have low self esteem because you are allowing that person to do it again and to have control and power over you

[nawtee_me]

You don’t deserve to be cheated on the first time but if you go back to them then you deserve it the second time.

[KrakenAttackin]

Probably because she was cheating as well but never told you.

[Asker]

This co-worker, absolutely not. GOD was at the forefront of her marriage, one of those devout people, that is married to Christ and their spouse. She lived for this guy and the Christly children they would have in the future. She took the, till death do us part bit SUPER seriously. There are plenty of other people I would go, yeah, probably something there, but then there are people like her true to the end and beyond.