I am currently in a 1 year relationship. Before this- I was in a relationship for 9 years. The 9 year relationship was my first and only relationship. I was very isolated so he was literally my only interaction with a man alone outside of family. I was very introverted.
And now I’m in my current situation.
For the record- I do not miss my ex. I will always love and care for him- but I have no intentions on ever going back to that. I do appreciate my growth from that experience and who I am today.
Anyways, I realized lately whenever someone is telling me a story or asking me for advice, I will bring up my past relationship. My friend was just telling me a story today about her boyfriend and my response was (my ex) used to do that. In that moment- I asked myself “ why do I keep bringing him up?” I’m so embarrassed within myself because I don’t understand.
I would even say “maybe there is some unresolved issues”. But I don’t feel like it is…. I’m not hurt by the past, im not angry… I can literally see him and truly see him as a friend. So why do I keep bringing him up? Why would anyone constantly use their past relationship or ex as examples? I’m in a new relationship and still bring up my ex. It was my only relationship aside from the relationship I’m in now… I do tell myself that it’s because it’s the only examples I have do to it was the only experience?
Maybe hearing some of GAG other perspectives will help me see something that I’m overlooking within myself.
And now I’m in my current situation.
For the record- I do not miss my ex. I will always love and care for him- but I have no intentions on ever going back to that. I do appreciate my growth from that experience and who I am today.
Anyways, I realized lately whenever someone is telling me a story or asking me for advice, I will bring up my past relationship. My friend was just telling me a story today about her boyfriend and my response was (my ex) used to do that. In that moment- I asked myself “ why do I keep bringing him up?” I’m so embarrassed within myself because I don’t understand.
I would even say “maybe there is some unresolved issues”. But I don’t feel like it is…. I’m not hurt by the past, im not angry… I can literally see him and truly see him as a friend. So why do I keep bringing him up? Why would anyone constantly use their past relationship or ex as examples? I’m in a new relationship and still bring up my ex. It was my only relationship aside from the relationship I’m in now… I do tell myself that it’s because it’s the only examples I have do to it was the only experience?
Maybe hearing some of GAG other perspectives will help me see something that I’m overlooking within myself.
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Bcs you spent the majority of your life with your ex, 9 years together is a long time. You basically grew up together and went through different life stages together, your relationship with your ex occupied a large chunk of your life so it’s no surprise that you mention him a lot bcs he was basically your only point of reference.
Your current relationship is pretty new, so you might not have gone through a lot of stuff together yet as a couple and you’re still pretty much getting to know each other deeply. But if you feel weirded out about talking about your ex so often when you’re in a new relationship then I’d make the conscious effort to mention your current boyfriend instead or skip talking about any of your relationships instead.
I feel you though bcs I used to be the same way lol my ex was my first relationship and we dated for 6 years up until my mid twenties. I stopped using him as a reference until I really got to know my current boyfriend on a more deeper level, after we’ve been through stuff as a couple together and after a while being in a relationship together.
First I want to say that you are express yourself very well and are obviously a clear thinker.
You pretty much have it figured out already. The reason you keep bringing up your ex is because he is your only point of reference. Your experiences with him are about all you have to compare things to.
It makes sense that you would do that when talking to a friend about their boyfriend.
It seems like you do it automatically. So all I can suggest is to try to make a conscious effort to think about your new boyfriend, the things you have done together, and how happy you are with him when you are relating to friends.
Do you do bring up your ex with your new boyfriend, too?
I love what you said: "I do not miss my ex. I will always love and care for him- but I have no intentions on ever going back to that. I do appreciate my growth from that experience and who I am today." I can totally relate. You are a person who learns and grows from your experiences.
Thank you so much for your answer. Yes, I have done it with my new boyfriend. Which is why I’m starting to feel bad and realize it more.
The reason I asked was, I might be uncomfortable if a girlfriend kept bringing up her old boyfriend with me. It would seem like she wasn't over him, like he's always on her mind. Or it would feel like she was comparing me to him.
I don’t randomly bring him. A lot of times I’m using my past situation as an example or a way to explain certain things. However, my boyfriend made a comment “why do you keep bringing him up?” And I tried to explain- because I’m giving u an example of what I mean and that’s the only way to explain. But I guess I should start by not using my ex. Maybe I can just explain by saying “my experience”.
That's a good idea.
I totally get where you are coming from.
You've probably already done this, but you can tell your boyfriend how much you love him, that he's your ideal and you've never been happier. "I do not miss my ex. I will always love and care for him- but I have no intentions on ever going back to that. I do appreciate my growth from that experience and who I am today." And explain that you only ever mentioned him because you were never in any other relationship and he's your only point of reference when it comes to relationships.
If your boyfriend asks or is interested, you could explain why you broke up and why you never want to go back.
You seem really sweet and smart. I assume your boyfriend is, too. I'm sure he will understand.
The answer was in your story.
Firstly, your relationship with him was for 9 years, and that is a long time.
It's like an addiction. You may tell yourself that I forgot about him or that I don't care about him, but your subconscious and your feelings still feel for him,
and in order to get through this stage, you must try a new relationship or love another person, and I hope that this person is good for you. 😊
GL my dear