I think my boyfriend might have a drinking problem, but it’s hard to tell for sure. How do I handle this?

[Anonymous]

I have been friends with him for years before we started dating (we have been dating for 4 months now). I know that when we were in high school he used to be an alcoholic. Alcoholism also runs in his family. During this time, he was depressed and suffering from mental health issues which turned him to drink and I tried to help him through it. I saw a big change in him, he was much happier and to my knowledge he stopped drinking so much. He still smokes weed, but that never really bothered me until now. He said that ever since we started hanging out more, he had stopped drinking and gotten better. But now I think he’s drinking again. When I am on the phone with him, he has been making stops at the liquor store frequently. When I asked him about it, he said he’s getting stuff for his dad. I have noticed when I kiss him, he smells like beer. When we go out to lunch, he drinks two extremely tall beers ( even if he was the one driving us). When we go to dinner he will have one or two. I have told him it makes me uncomfortable to drive with him when he’s drinking. I’m not sure if he’s going back to his old ways but I am kind of panicking. I do not want to spend my life with someone who has a drinking problem. He even made a joke about having a beer because he was having a hard day at work. I don’t drink as often and I don’t smoke weed, so this is kind of foreign to me. I don’t see it as a problem unless the person is doing it too frequently. I just don’t want to be in this situation if this is the case. Every time I bring it up to him he says he barely drinks anymore. And I don’t want to jump to conclusions because it’s so hard to tell if he’s been drinking or if he’s just high. I am never really too sure if he’s telling the truth. Sometimes I think I should break up with him but again, I am not totally sure what’s going on here. Does anyone have suggestions on how to handle this?

[sage2021]

People that drink and smoke pot can be very crafty and appear like they aren't drinking as much, but what they are doing instead of drinking is getting high on pot.
They might not be doing it in front of you, but they are getting plenty high on pot first, before you go out together.
Pot has THC in it. If he didn't get a buzz from it, he wouldn't be doing it. So even if he's smoking pot, he is driving while stoned.

Alcoholics will tell people out front that you can't believe what an alcoholic says because they lie.

Whatever you do, don't try to be his Savior and try to get him to stop drinking. That would make you a codependent.

He is the only one who can make the decision to stop drinking and no one else.

There is a program for alcoholics. It's called Alcoholics Anonymous ot AA. They go to meetings and other alcoholics that stopped drinking or want to stop drinking go to them. They are all over America.
This program has helped probably hundreds of thousands of people since it started back in the 1950' and is still thriving and helping people to this day.

There is one where you live. They are everywhere.
That program and him willing to drop drinking is hope.

[ClaircognizantEmpath]

hey, simply read what you have said over and over until you can so clearly see for yourself all of the red flags here... it matters not how good this guy is, he has traits, behaviours dependencies etc that you have been aware of since school... as this is a recent get together i would advise leave now... if his actions are an upset to you and he does not address them then that is a big no! he is putting that before you... it is very sad for someone so young but another person will never be the change for their own behaviour.. at four months in you should be blazing it together not having all this to deal with... please leave.. xx

[Dongie]

No help for the addict. She just defended him. Trauma is hell. Be a strong friend and tell him your concerns. Ser how he reacts.

[Anonymous]

Well I’d say make sure first of all. Second, from what you’re saying he doesn’t seem like an alcoholic. Having a couple beers w dinner, I’ve done that myself. Now I will say some people are better at hiding it than others but poor hygiene can be a sign, also feeling guilty, ashamed, having withdrawals, shakes, aggressive or agitated, possible tremors or seizures from withdrawals. Maybe he’s antisocial. There’s a lot of clues. Maybe having to take a drink of alcohol in the morning to get his “engine” started or to “cure” a hangover. Trouble w the law, trouble w family, friends. Financial problems, maybe even selling prized possessions to get money for alcohol. There’s a lot of people who are also functional alcoholics. I drank a lot in the military. We’d go out, party all night, come back to base an hour or so before it was time to get up at 0400 to run 3-6 miles.

[Finchie40]

If you don’t drink or like drinking? you aren’t going to understand why someone else likes drinking , if his drinking is an issue to you? It’s probably best to end the relationship with him if his drinking is causing problems in your relationship with him. Does he drink to oblivion? Meaning he gets completely wasted and drunk? Or does he drink in moderation, basically only having a few drinks to get buzzed , if he is only drinking in moderation , than you should let that slide , But if he is drinking to the point where he is getting drunk and doesn’t really remember things , and he starts saying mean and vicious things to you , then yes you should walk away from that and tell him to seek help

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the choppy waters of a loved one potentially falling back into old habits, especially with something as tricky as drinking, can feel like you're trying to solve a mystery without all the clues. The key here is communication mixed with a dash of observation and a sprinkle of tough love. Start with a heart-to-heart convo where you share your observations and feelings without making it seem like an interrogation. Love, sometimes it's about setting the scene for open dialogue, expressing how his behavior makes you feel without making it sound like an accusation.

If the sweet talk doesn't lead to a breakthrough, you might need to consider a more direct approach. It’s crucial to emphasize your concern comes from a place of love and wanting the best for both of you. Remember, it's about ‘us’ against the problem, not you against him.

However, love, if he's knee-deep in denial or if the situation starts painting your relationship in shades of blue, seeking professional help or even entertaining the thought of taking space might be the next steps. It’s a tough cookie to crumble but being true to your feelings and prioritizing your well-being is paramount. Ultimately, you deserve a partner who’s not only in love with you but also committed to their health and happiness. Don’t forget, you're the leading lady in your story, make sure your co-star is giving you the love story you deserve. 🌟

[molonski2]

If he is not already , he is headed back to the drink he has the alcoholism gene , he should NOT be smoking weed either , this is NOT the way this guy must live , he needs to be completely tea total or its a slippery slope..

There is no ( little bit ) for this guy , its all or nothing , plus he has all the mental issues that come with alcoholism..

You have much reason for concern..

You explain to him it has to be a completely clean life if he wishes to 1. Remain with you. 2. To get the best out of his life.

No excuses , no let offs , and certainly NO weed , its not harmless sht.

[Create21]

If you are worried and you have seen him in this state before, that is all you need to know. Clearly he is in a comfortable position and it led him back to old habits. I would say between the weed and the beer, that he is likely to never stop unless something extremely dramatic ever happens. And, that he lies and says the beer is for his dad means he already knows the consequences. Move on. I grew up in a family of alcoholics. It’s not worth the emotional toll to try and redeem them. They need to do that themselves. Don’t wasted years of your life trying to clean up years of his.

[Sevenpointfive]

i am an alcoholic. i'd advise you to let go. he has a disease that's similar to an addict. he can't control it. he will choose it over you every time. you can't blame him. but you can blame yourself for letting it happen to you.

i'm what's called a "functional alcoholic". i will tell you i don't function very well. i need alcohol more than anything in my life. i don't know why that pull of addiction is there. but it does something for me that life in general can't. and you can't fix that for him.

you don't find many addicts with a partner that isn't also addicted to something. they bring you down into their depression and convince you to feel their high with them. don't do it!

it's like the equivalent of giving up your dreams. it was never for them. they were born into this. but they don't want to be lonely, at least for now.

i hope that painted a very clear picture for you. please walk away

[Levin]

This also does raise the question of what that thing alcohol does that life can't do for you. What is it and why? It's what the target of any therapy should be.

And sure, the idea of it being hopeless may be a valid idea. But ultimately, one may reach a stage where one is so sick or even terrified of that way of being, that going back to drink is not a viable option.

[Sevenpointfive]

@Levin the low lows are definitely hard. sickness and one breath away from dying. it is scary

i've almost passed out to my death from vomiting. they call it asphyxiation in the death report. it's not the first time you've been there though. fighting to stay alive to endure another night like this.

THERAPY? not until you start treating the seratonin receptor. doctors don't understand that we need that receptor getting a little more. we don't have to get high. but we are compensating

[Levin]

Doctors don't really understand anything. I'm of the view that one's hormones follow from one's lifestyle and the state of one's consciousness. Make healthy and positive choices and one's consciousness expands and improves. But what do I know, eh.

[Levin]

And yes, unfortunately you will have to wade through the pain if you've been self-destructive. Such a thing is natural, the body's healing mechanism. Of course, if you damage your organs with excess, they need to repair themselves, and it is spiritually, physically, emotionally, painful. Almost unbearable. However, the light will always return with some faith and persistence.

[Sevenpointfive]

@Levin i wish that were true. but it's not entirely at least. you go off charts that measure the hormones and try to get a normal level. do you know how many women have never achieved orgasm? i think there is one drug out there that is applicating a drug.

[Levin]

Reminds of Marvin Gaye's song about addiction.

https://youtu.be/ia89aijDluk?feature=shared

[Sevenpointfive]

@Levin with all of the hormones being fed to livestock. i fear for the future.

[Dongie]

If you love him don't abandon him. If he has a couple beers, even daily does not make him an alcoholic. If he needs to have beer everyday he could have a problem though. Before you do something you'll regret tell him you need to have a serious discussion. If he was truly an acoholic in school then he shouldn't drink at all. I drink at times. But I don't have to. I go for months and longer without while both my parents were alcoholic. But they gained control finally after 30 years and had their 2 at mid-morning and 2 at 5pm. But give him a chance to work on it. I've known many to have conquered the bottle.

[HighValue]

Alcohol and weed? You are just asking for a bad life and problems by being with someone like that. If you are a good quality person you should end it and find another good person before it is too late and you make mistakes that you will never be able to recover from.

[Staximus]

If he's not drunk very often then it's not a big deal. If you can't tell the difference between drinking and being stoned then he's not drunk, and you don't even know what you're talking about. Save the judgement. Nobody's perfect. At least he's not smoking meth. If he's not doing stupid shit because he's drunk then it's not a problem. My friend comes from a family of alcoholics and he used to drive after drinking 24 beers, let alone 2.

[handsomelad70]

You'll have to get your boyfriend to realize that hs drinking, if uncontrolled, could jeopardize your relationship, and attempt to get him to seek professional help to lead him to sobriety, and if he agrees, you'll be the supportive girlfriend as he re-orders his life and your couple bond renews.

[Blueeyes81]

You don't get cured of alcoholism. If he cuts back but still drinks it's just a matter of time before he starts drinking more. You can't fix him no matter how hard you try, only he can. Rock bottom is usually what it takes to open the eyes of an alcoholic and it's not pretty to watch them go down it.

[dustybiker2]

He'a in denial. He has to admit an addiction for any steps to helping himself to work. Unfortunately that usually only happens after a big shock in a persons life for them to see the bigger picture clearly. He's living inside the bottle.

[Anonymous]

I'd leave because those feelings will never leave you

Drinking and driving is a big no-no
A beer after a hard day or a couple over dinner hardly makes an alcoholic I've known a few in my timene used to have a coffee with breakfast then started on the gin and would drink a bottle a day, he'd sweat juniper

[whistlingwh0res]

Yes he is not happy with his life. He could have met some rich girl that he never have to work again and enjoy $. but he met you. You are poor and believing some love for free. His life is shit he thinks and he keeps drinking to forget about his life shit. he has to be a gigolo for poor girls how awful. I can imagine.

[DrPepper12]

I had a problem and I can tell you one thing: ALCOHOLICS TELL MORE LIES THAN TRUMP. a lot of 🚩🚩🚩 there. OTC alcohol tests are like $10. Call him on his bullshit and BE READY to walk away.

[Chazmatazz269]

Go to Alanon. The program and its members can and will help you.

[OtterMan68]

ask him how long he can go without a drink. See if he gets defensive, plays it off as a joke, or gives you an honest answer.

[DreamLife7]

No one cares about your speech. If you don't like what u see then leave. You're not his mommy and you're not a wife.

[Asker]

so why did u comment? lol

[FuqUFggt]

You let him drink in fucking peace. You are probably the reason he drinks

[Asker]

thank you i appreciate your kindness!!

[Asker]

his problems aren’t because of
me he’s a had a traumatic life so pls leave your nasty comments somewhere else! hope this helps!!

[FuqUFggt]

I've had issues my self. Usually I play video games and relax about it until my yappy girl start her shit.

[KrakenAttackin]

This is all a good sign he is struggling with addiction. Talk with him.

[nawtee_me]

Ask him to stop for a week. If he can’t then he has a problem. If he makes excuses not to stop then he has a problem.

[Anonymous]

It's a disease that you can't help him with. He needs to realize he needs help to stop. Break up it'll only get worse.

[MrDaveAPSI]

You can't. He has to comes to grips with it, on his own