Should couples share everything about their past relationships?

[HawkPerception]

Yes

No

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I don't know about everything. I think honesty is the best policy and there needs to be openness and transparency. However, I think there needs to be a framework and some ground rules in place. Sharing our past is a vulnerable thing and it needs to be respected and treated as sacred to our human experience. And using things disclosed in trust is off-limits as a weapon in disagreements. Not that anything should be weaponized in a disagreement, but arguments aren't typically logical. They tend to be egotistical and emotional.

I think conversations about past relationships should be a one-and-done thing, possibly a little more depending on the needs of both to process it. For example, the disclosure of rape is something that should receive support from professionals. And I would advise people to not disclose a traumatic experience like that in detail with a SO. The emotional fallout is too great for many people to understand or cope with without significant therapy and support.

But grace should be extended for occasional setbacks, too. I'm a widow, and there are certain calendar dates that physically knock me down even though I feel fine emotionally. I have felt the blood drain from my face when unexpectedly seeing men with the same build and height as my late spouse (lean, athletic and over 6'). A rape victim might feel traumatized by certain touches or places, and it is against their will. It's not meant as a betrayal of the current person. It's not "meant" at all. It's a response to trauma, and it takes time to heal.

I think it should be safe to disclose, but not required to disclose. I'm comfortable sharing my experience, but I don't want it to be brought up so often that it becomes a wedge or a source of conflict and comparison. Just my perspective...

[HawkPerception]

I agree with you on most of what you've said.

However, I don't believe conversations about past relationships should necessarily be a one-and-done thing. Yeah, it's best to not bring up the past 24/7. But if your partner wants clarification about something that's happened in your past to help them either understand you better or clear their own doubts, then I think it should be communicated. Obviously I'm not saying that anyone should push someone to share something that they're not comfortable sharing, but I believe the more they share, the more comfortable they'll feel with their partner.

I strongly believe the key in any relationship is open and honest communication. The less you hide from your partner and share with them, the closer they will feel to you.

I also believe that traumatic experiences like rape SHOULD be shared with your partner. I believe "professionals" aren't necessary when it comes to therapy and emotional support. All you need is a mature partner that loves and cares for you, listens to and comforts you, and gives advice when necessary or desired.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@HawkPerception That seems reasonable to talk more if necessary, and I think we pretty much agree it's an intuitive thing based on the individual circumstances. :D

I in no way think people should hide things, that's not what I meant at all. I am just not entirely sure how helpful it is to go into great detail about certain things. It's too difficult for people in relationships to be fully objective. I do think people should let their partner know about rape or other trauma, and some of the relevant information. But going into the gory details of that is risky. I mean, I have very specific and vivid memories of my late husband's cancer and death. I am just not confident that any man could hear those details and my emotions about it and be able to stomach it. I'd tend to leave that one alone and talk it through with a therapist. It's hard for guys to take hearing about another man with the girl they love. I'd tend to mention it and leave it alone going forward unless there was some relevant reason to bring it up. I am not saying that's the best approach, it's just the one that seems to work IRL. In my experience, people (even friends) want to get away from pain, discomfort and sadness as fast as possible. I think it's because our society doesn't like messy things and so we don't know how to respond unless we've been there.

I have found a therapist extremely helpful for breaking certain patterns of thinking that have been unhelpful for me, but that is my experience and I know that not all therapists are created equal, for sure. I do think it's very important for trauma to have a safe environment to process without grieving other people or hurting them with our difficult feelings.

[HawkPerception]

"I am just not confident that any man could hear those details and my emotions about it and be able to stomach it."

What you say is fair. But while I'm not religious, I think this is a good time to apply the concept of "Sometimes you need to take a leap of faith." I think if they aren't mature enough to stomach it or be there as emotional support, then they probably aren't the one for you anyways.

If you always have an emotional wall built from past traumas up, it becomes very hard for others to get to know you. You need to let people in to bond with them.

But hey if therapy works for you, then it works for you. I'm not saying that there is any one way to go about things in life. I just believe that your partner should be the person in your life you confide in and feel absolute comfort in telling anything to. They should be the person you can lean on. And when you lean on someone, it just makes your bond that much stronger.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@HawkPerception I'm thinking...

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@HawkPerception Thanks for the MHO. :D

I think we agree (except on the therapy part). I am for disclosing the important things (such as rape or previous relationships). And I am for being open to questions and sharing; that's part of being transparent. I just have heard of people being kind of fixated on their exes, and I think dwelling on them (even negatively) is unhealthy. I think that's the main thing I'd be concerned about.

I am open to talking about it, I just wouldn't bring up the details unless asked. I agree completely that we shouldn't wall off our trauma. But it would take a special guy to be able to set aside his own feelings and empathize with mine. The part that is hard is that it's not like a divorce, where we can happily hate on the ex. I can't hate my late husband, because I don't. I can leave him in the past, however, and accept that he is not part of my life now. I would never fantasize about a late spouse while in the arms of someone else. That's not OK and would show a lack of acceptance of the death.

When I think of "everything" I think "EVERYTHING", and that's the part that I think is too much. Again, share the big and important stuff, be willing and able to share the details if asked. Hopefully that makes sense.

[HawkPerception]

I always look forward to reading yours and @DishLady opinions as you both seem to be the most detailed, thoughtful, and insightful with them.

[DishLady]

Aww. Thanks, HP. Same goes for you and Miss Pepper as well.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@DishLady @HawkPerception Thanks! Same. :D

[DishLady]

I honestly think so. It promotes a more open and honest connection between the two people. It’s a little controversial as a concept, but having full disclosure form both sides 100% of the time supports a healthier relationship. Having said this, when wording things, try to be mindful and respectful of your SO’s feelings….

[HawkPerception]

I agree. In my 3 relationships I've always wanted to know everything, including everything related to their sexual experience. It might hurt others, but I personally find it would hurt more living in the shadow of another dude. I also think it's healthier. But it's definitely controversial as you mentioned.

[AviatorTom]

If your partner asks about your past, be honest and tell them. That doesn't mean you have to (or should) volunteer every little detail about your past. What's more important is the present and future with your partner, not the past.

[blueonblack22]

There is a difference between volunteering information vs. truthfully answering a question when asked. Also context matters when answering a question. Everybody has their skeletons in their closet but why they made such bad decisions is only an answer they themselves will only truly comprehend. Also men and women view those decisions differently.

What is scary is when a man or woman is honest about a bad past decision and their partner grows paranoid that they might do something like it again despite the fact they really have changed. What is even more scary if when their partner is seemingly okay with their past bad decision in the moment (because they are in a good mood and in love with the person). But down the road they might be upset with their partner for unrelated reasons but will use that information unfairly against them.

I know women typically don’t fight fair when they are upset with a man. They often let their emotions dictate the argument. Not all but too many.

That’s why as a man I find myself being reticent to admit past mistakes I’ve made because I am paranoid she might use it against me in the future (and very unfairly).

[DizzyDesii]

Not everything but be open to answer anything i inquire about. Your past matters. Sure people can improve but i don’t think anyone fully changes and i want to know what i’m getting myself into and who you “used” to be. Because i’m not open to dating any/everything. People will be judged for their pasts by some people and thats just what it is

[HawkPerception]

Agreed entirely

[MrShaun]

Women should but it's not important for the man.

[DizzyDesii]

@MrShaun Anyways

[HawkPerception]

@MrShaun what kinda logic is that? 😂

[DizzyDesii]

He prob is the type to believe men should be praised for all the women they fcked. Its still disgusting and risky to sleep with a hoe (man or woman)

[HawkPerception]

@DizzyDesii Only shitty men think that in my opinion 😂 Man whores deserve sluts. Just my opinion

[DizzyDesii]

Its funny how hoes usually dont want one another.

[HawkPerception]

@DizzyDesii It really is. The lack of accountability

[Mr_twoface]

I voted yes but it depends on how relevant the past information is to your new relationship. My wife for instance didn't want to know the number of encounters I've had nor did I as we are more into the mindset of present and future. My study loan debts and general savings was and is relevant to share because it can and will affect both our lives.

We had this golden rule whilst getting to know each other, that if we hadn't asked the question with regards to a topic yet one believes that something from the past may be relevant for the future of this relationship, one should bring it forward. Again, solely ones own decision to bring it forward.

[Flatmanlewis]

I think you should discuss your past enough to show how you have become the person you are now, as well as your values, lessons learned, and direction in life. Not every single youthful indiscretion or mistake needs to be relived for life. I think it’s a balance between being open with the core of your being versus telling every single story you have to tell.


In essence. I’d like to know if she’s a virgin or not. I don’t need a play-by-play of what’s she’s done with any man she’s been with.

[HighValue]

If they want to know, they should get to know. Hiding stuff like that is actually just deceiving their partner and tricking them into liking someone they don't actually know. People usually only hide their past from a partner because they know they actually don't meet their partner's standards for a relationship.

[HawkPerception]

Well said

[mstbooblover]

Trust in each other is of uttermost importance in an engaged couple, but what's the point in telling unrequested everything about past relationships? The present relationship is important, and the past, although having an evident influence, and having helped to evolve, should remain the past. I'm even wondering if in many cases, just telling everything out of the blue may actually not hurt the feelings of a partner.

The trust in each other should still allow, in particular circumstances, to ask and answer questions without too many useless details. This depends mainly on the partners' nature and tendencies. The main danger is jealousy and dwelling too much on the past...

[DishLady]

If it's not requested or expected and both are ok with that level of ignorance about each other's pasts, then fine... But I would personally choose to share -- I have nothing to hide -- and I'd love to think that the person I'm with is willing to share as well... to be equally open with nothing to hide.

[mstbooblover]

@DishLady Very wise point of view, at least if you do not insist blatantly with him. The key is being open, and accept whatever happened in a partner's past without forcing some form of confession. This is a very sensitive topic, and keep in mind that a partner may not tell about past relationships only because they might be afraid to loose their knew partner. Personal and case sensitive I'd say. If sharing there is, then let it be on a well chosen moment, and certainly without any coercion.

[DishLady]

I hear you @mstbooblover... but then typically that ends up not being the right person for me. "Afraid" is not something that should be given much breathing space in an honest, health relationship; in fact, it's one of the single largest obstacles in an unhealthy relationship.

I won't insist, but I also probably wouldn't stay with that person either because we'd just conceptually be too different.

[mstbooblover]

@DishLady Do not forget that trust is something that needs some time. The truth is not black or white. Mind that I do understand your position. Just take some time to see how things evolve. Nevertheless, the past is far less important than the present.

[DishLady]

True!

[HawkPerception]

@mstbooblover If the past doesn't matter, I guess being a killer or rapist being in the past doesn't matter. All that matters is the present and future, right?

[HawkPerception]

@DishLady 💯 As always agreed

[mstbooblover]

That's a very complicated topic. As always, the truth is not black or white, and I didn't think of rapists and killers, who would not be likely to talk about their crimes... There are still some people able to evolve, not to change mind. They evolve in the sense that they get fully aware of their own tendencies, and thus to control them. Such people may indeed have done terrible things, but the law and jurisdictions set aside, they may have evolved towards real consciousness. Once one knows one's tendencies, these can be controlled efficiently.

[Crimsyjo]

I voted no because it's something I'm trying to learn. I open up far too much and it's probably not good because I've had a very exciting "colourful" sex life and I think it not only intimidates men but can give wrong impression of fidelity. I am extremely loyal, giving and loving in relationships and don't condone cheating. But if I'm single then (apart from ever being with someone else who is in a relationship) I am free to have as many sexual partners as I wish of any (legal) age and do what I want.

But again... a guy who is my age may again be threatened knowing I regularly had sex with hot guys in their 20's.

So yh. I want to be open and honest. But maybe without any detail. And for the record.. I don't ask a guy questions if I think it will make me uncomfortable or jealous. Past is past.

[imtiaz45]

Couples don't need to share everything about their past relationships. It's important to communicate openly and honestly, but it's also crucial to respect each other's privacy and boundaries. Sharing relevant past experiences that impact the current relationship can foster understanding and trust. However, dwelling on every detail can lead to unnecessary comparisons and conflicts. Each couple should find a balance that works for them, focusing on building their present and future together rather than overanalyzing past relationships. Communication, mutual respect, and trust are key to determining what should be shared.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/OdxK0EhDIZ0

[worldscolide]

It depends if it's relevant to the current relationship..

For example, I'd she was the victim of sexual assault, rape, or domestic abuse in past relationships, I wanna know so I can be as understanding of thins as I can.

Or if she has ever cheated, cause that would mean the relationship would never start. Cheating is a deal breaker red flag.

Or if she has children with another man.. Cause you need to know stuff like that.

But beyond that I don't really care

[DishLady]

See... This. ^.

[sage2021]

No, not everything. It's good to keep part of yourself to yourself. Leave a little mystery.

However, if you are telling the lie of omission by not telling someone that might change their feelings for you, then you need to come clean on matters such as that.

[Bricealan]

I do, if asked, and see nothing wrong with that. I am an adult and can certainly listen to and accept what another person tells me about any and all aspects about her life without having any problem with any of it.

We are all human, and I make no judgments about another person an the choices they made or make.

My wife told me she had fucked 30 men before we met... So what? I would not care if it were 300 men! Wish I had fucked 30 women at that point!!!

[PreferNot2Say]

Fuck no! That's just stupid. Everyone thinks they want to know, until they hear something that they can't ever move past. It always happens, just most people won't admit it cuz they fear everyone will think that they're closed minded or pride. DON'T DO IT!

[HawkPerception]

In every relationship I've had, I've always asked them to give me all their history and past details. They've all shared it and I never left.

[LaureenVO]

In my opinion it is not a 'must'. But if you feel like sharing it, then that's fine. I think it depends on the person and the situation.

[Gent207-2]

Yes and no

Yes there are somethings that need to be br I ought to light because of how they canaffect the relationship presently and in the future. For example addictions, debt, sexual trauma, etc.

Yet there are sone things that are best kept to yourself. For example the details of the nasty with previous partners, getting caught in public etc.

[GeminiDiamond]

No. I do feel you have to share viable information pertaining to what you've learned about yourself from your past, e. g. your into open relationships or not, etc etc. People lie about their past often, and some tend to put themselves in a better light if they haven't dealt with their problems; enough to lie to someone who trust them.

[PeachyPie93]

Maybe not everything, but like anything my new partner wanted to know I would tell them.

[Light_beam]

like everything about your sexual past?

[PeachyPie93]

@Light_beam Well yeah..

[Light_beam]

Nothing to be shy of?

[PeachyPie93]

@Light_beam No since I haven't done anything extreme or out of the ordinary. Plus I never did anything I would have to regret or be scared to tell someone.

[_Troian_]

Yeah.. for me woman's past is important, I wouldn't give woman a relationship if things she say about her past ain't convincing and enough.

[Darkchild25]

Maybe not every thing.
It's have to be tactful as she might be the jealous type when I talk about previous partner's.
Plus don't when like a man that's a little mysterious?

[AlfApAşA]

They should definitely not talk because one of the parties will inevitably have trust issues. Couples should only share with each other the problems and mistakes they experienced in their past relationships. Doing this is enough for a healthy criminal record. 😇

[Crazzyyworld]

If they are comfortable yes if not no. No obligation

[electromagnetic]

Less is more sometimes. My husband and I are pretty open but I don’t think we’ve shared everything. Some can remain a mystery

[Light_beam]

of course, your embarrassing sexual acts couldn't be said out loud :D

[DishLady]

I'm not into "mystery" when a guy is planning to be a permanent presence in my life. Mystery has bitten me in the ass twice... I'd like to keep what I've got left of my ass, thank you very much, so very direct honesty is an important part of what I respect and admire in a guy.

[HawkPerception]

@DishLady Agreed as usual. And lol at your "Mystery has bitten me in the ass twice... I'd like to keep what I've got left of my ass..."

Made me laugh quite a bit there 😂

[DishLady]

I'm glad you liked it, HP. 😂 Honestly, I can't stand folks who seem shady and things about themselves. Obviously there are some details that are "too much" and everyone has at least a little past, but in general the honesty works best.

[HawkPerception]

@DishLady I definitely agree. I've never understood people's attraction to mystery. I'm an open book and put all my cards on the table from the get-go and I've always preferred the one I'm dating does the same. It makes me feel closer with them and helps me bond with them. Clearly this is a very subjective topic though 😅

[DishLady]

Yeah, subjective for sure!

[Amandanator]

I think if someone keeps talking about their pst relationships it means they haven’t gotten over that person yet.

[HawkPerception]

Disagree there 😂

[thegreenyogi]

If this conversation happens to come about its welcomed. Although I wouldn't see it as a priority. As far as I am concerned it's the present and future that matters.

[Jamie05rhs]

Yes; they should. Knowing more about your partner's history can help you understand them better.

[Nerdvana]

If she wants to know anything I do tell her. I have nothing to hide.

[madgoat]

There needs to be some respect for the priviledged secrets shared in a post relationship.

Your latest doesn't need to know everything and potentially some information may deter them.

[Dongie]

No. Unless the dude gets off on it. And she can respect that.
I see it as everyone has their past. If you need to talk about it dine. Otherwise, ima very jealous guy. Completely and I don't want to hear about dickhead.

[TacosRAwesome]

Only the things that are relevant. I don't need to know every little bullshit your ex did and you don't need to know the dumb shit I did because I thought I was in love.

[MikeTheBartender]

Fuckkkkkk nooooo...

I don't wanna know her last, and she definitely don't wanna know mine!

[the29thhuman]

Should? As in mandate in a relationship? No the past is none of anybody’s business as long as it does not negatively impact today.

[HawkPerception]

If someone killed someone in the past it doesn't matter? If someone slept with 300 peeps, it doesn't matter. Sorry, but I believe in accountability

[the29thhuman]

Okay but focusing on “what if what if what if” is just looking for an excuse to not be with anyone.

[HawkPerception]

It's not a "what if". It's based on facts. It's not an excuse to to not be with anyone. It's about having standards in your life. I would not date a girl that has much more sexual experience than I do. I would not date a killer. I would not date someone that I know framed their ex for something they didn't do. And we're free to have those standards and preferences. People make mistakes and no one's perfect, but accountability matters. I can't just say I killed someone then say it's in the past and I'm a changed person now.

[the29thhuman]

Good luck

[RetroReviews]

Some things are best left buried in the past where it belongs

[DrPepper12]

ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY NOT!! Its past. Its yours. Its personal. Share what you feel comfortable with. Anyone who doesn't respect that doesn't respect you.

[DishLady]

I mean... you have to share your sexual history with a long-term partner anyway, so might as well come clean about a few basics, no? We don't need to hear the blow-by-blow details (😂), but general details that help to tell each other what is cool and what is out-of-bounds so to speak.

[DrPepper12]

For purpose of STDs yes. Thats always out in the open

[loyalhumblesmart20]

Would a girl really want to know that my ex girlfriend was beating on me and my dog

[loyalhumblesmart20]

I’m being totally serious like I feel this would scare people away

[HawkPerception]

I believe the right girl for you would accept that fact and support your traumas.

[HawkPerception]

It would also help the right girl bond with you when you open up to her. You're right that it would make the WRONG girl run away though.

[loyalhumblesmart20]

The funniest thing was it was constantly excused by people around her because she had anger issues

[İronclaw_]

No, couples don't have to share everything about their past relationships. It may be healthier to learn the necessary lessons from the past and focus on the present.

[lorenzomichael]

Don’t ever do that. It’ll just create a problem. Think about it, I mean how can it help?

[TracyF]

Every woman who is saying no, has been run through more times than a Wendy's drive through

[Jason2469]

If you want to be a couple for long you should never tell your partner anything

[HawkPerception]

@Jason2469 Seen a lot of your responses, and I'll be honest man. You're one pathetic dude.

[Jason2469]

You sound gay. I don't care

[HawkPerception]

Cared enough to respond 😂

[Jason2469]

Gay enough to wine hear about your problems and discredit people that don't have problems telling you why they don't have problems.

[HawkPerception]

Nah I've just seen a lot of your dumbass opinions on GaG. Not discrediting anyone. You're free to be dumb. Carry on bud

[Jason2469]

Faqqot

[Reichsadler-ss]

Of course! Because as a virgin guy, I don't want to a prostitute.

Thanks!

[rienna888]

No somethings are meant to be kept private

[Light_beam]

boy, girls are ashamed of what they did , i knew

[OtterMan68]

only if they plan to get married

[noohair]

Leave the past where it is.

[msc545]

No, not unless you want serious trouble...

[Skyros]

They’re never obligated to.

[luvstoned4him]

Hell... No..

[likeprincess]

No it's such a nonsense

[LiamJHayden]

I won't.

[Nicebutt462]

Absolutely.