My boyfriend's daughter is starting to really scare me, are my concerns right?

[Anonymous]

Currently in a new relationship for slightly over a year and I know this is going to sound very stupid (or maybe I'm overthinking things) to say it but my boyfriend's (34 M) daughter is starting to really scare me. The girl is only 9 years old and I've never felt that way towards a kid before. These are some incidents I've noticed so far but she acts different with my boyfriend, her mother and others. Him and the mother have shared custody; they've been divorced since the girl was 3.

- When her great-grandmother was dying and on her funeral, she was totally disconnected, as if voided of any emotions, no tears whatsoever. She kept asking when is it over, how the place is boring and about a food festival. Then she said that death is natural because everyone dies at some point so why cry about it.

- Two past incidents with pets:

Her friend has a small poodle. Every single time she visits her friend, the little dog always pees, runs away from her or barks too much... as if terrified of her or something. It doesn't react that way towards me nor others, no one else but her.

Her neighbor's cat got lost under her care (this was 4 months ago) and never seen again. She was sad, claiming it ran away.

- The girl is one of the best students at school but many times sounds too sophisticated for a child. It's like she doesn't know how to act like a child her age. I don't think that's how a normal kid talks like.

- She likes watching ID channel a lot and reading about psychological terms (or other complicated terms) and criminal minds, too much interest on that for a kid.

I've tried to address things him and his ex girlfriend might want to focus on but he claims maybe it might a phase she's undergoing due to their separation and isn't worried about it. Or maybe my boyfriend is right and I need to stop overthinking it? Still, I have a gut feeling something isn't right.

[Anonymous]

So, the concern of what material she's watching is definitely a valid one. Children who consume very adult material too young (crime scene, true crime etc) are frequently ending up having issues. Find in a way to encourage her to be interesting in material which consuming leads to her finding something that is interesting to her mindset and also very postitive sociteally is the key.

Now, don't worry about how this next bit sounds, the word I need to use can be used to describe many bad outcomes, but the trait itself is neutral. Meaning, its not bad to be it, per say, it just means a person needs to be careful when raising someone with such a trait.

It sounds like she has psycopathic tendency, which is not something truly bad but a style of brain/thought which lives more in a logical place vs an emotional one. There are two ways this comes about, there is a 'practical' and a 'biological'. Practical is when a young child experiences trauma at a young age (a break up of their parents counts) and rather than dealing with the difficult emotional situation, is brainy and finds a way to live more in the logical mind, blocking off the emotional part. This gets fixed over time as they form friends and come to trust that sometimes its worth risking being hurt. The second kind is the biological sort where they don't experience emotions, per say, they experience more 'have, want and need' in a more practical fullfilment way. The first is better, but the second need care.

It isn't a huge problem if the child is shown good examples when she's young in the adults she's surrounded by and also if her interests are guided and encouraged so as to focus on net potitive matters. Also it's good to know she's looking practically at loss in one sense, but your right its worrying if she doesn't also show a sense of loss too (even a practical one, as psycopathic types can, in practical ways, experience something very close to emotion; aka a loss of something they need).

Now, my recommendation. First, get to know her, find out what she likes and enjoys. See if you can discover the root of her interest in crime etc. and maybe find something deeper so you can understand what fascinates her and help shape it for a net good for her and society generally.

Spend time with her, helping her to realise there's people to share with. Do your best to encourage her to have a wide range of friends and take your time to compliment and praise her and others so that she hopefuly picks that up and sees the world in the right ways.

Lastly, there isn't a magic bullet. I'd say don't worry about her, just do your best to try to reach to connect with her. If your finding it difficult to do that, do consider seeing (informally) a counciler. Try to do that without it seeming like a burden, but more like a chat with a friend (ideally if you have friends who are councillers problem solved).

Good luck, and its not wrong to feel concerned but just funnel that concern into spending time with her.

[Asker]

Thank you. I believe things must've been difficult for her, growing up with divorced parents. She has knowledge of sophisticated terms and doesn't like watching cartoon but stuff she seems as for little kids. I believe her issues can be solved by guidance.

[Opinion Owner]

Nods, sounds very intelligent. Best of luck and its good she has your thinking of her best interests and wanting to help :).

[ohsheeT]

Well then it's time for you to find your inner child... And take her to that level she only knows what she's taught if she is an introvert has no friends just books of course she's a. Sponge and what she reads who she's going to become.

You're not overthinking anything I know where you're headed with it but don't go there you're thinking what you're thinking for a reason it might not be the one that you're thinking but it is for a reason and maybe that reason is for you to find your inner child and help her become a child or at least allow her to be that child and see what fun is all about... ..

And I really hate saying this right now but what happens if the real reason why you and your boyfriend got together was for you to intervene in whatever to help this child what happens if you and the boyfriend broke up today how much would you think about that child and why didn't you help her in some way..

I'm just saying.
In so many different ways we all know what's going to happen before that happens.

In so many ways just because we feel something and we think something it doesn't mean that we're right A lot of times maybe..

But a lot of times when we do feel or think something we are on the money..

I think you're thinking is right but you're just on the wrong path switch paths... And your answer will come to you but don't give up on that child I would say that she needs somebody right now she needs a friend

[Asker]

She has a couple friends she likes hanging out with sometimes. Though other times she also likes being on her own so she can be both outgoing and other times an introvert. I really believe she can be helped and I really hope so.

[ohsheeT]

Yes I'm sure she can be if it's from the heart it sounds like she can read people pretty well and if anybody's trying to be fake with her she'll see that and feel that all you can do is be yourself if you like her be her friend and be real you can teach her or you can guide her just by your actions

[Vesuvius87]

I was ok with everything until you mentioned the incidents with pets. That's a bad sign that indicates a trouble child in need of major help.

[28ouc]

Young children do not understand funerals all that great expecially great grand parents that are not seen that often or on a daily basis. And also a 9 year old should not be held responsible for anything living pets, animals, kids. Maybe this child has too many responsabilities and that is why the kid does not act like a child

[Asker]

Probably. I believe it's been so hard for her ever since her parents got divorced.

[Anonymous]

kinda reminds me of when I was a kid except I didn't have pets

she'll be fine and I don't think she's devoid of emotions, she just knows how to control them very well