My boyfriend has a bad temper and it sometimes scares me. What to do in such situations?

Question

BetaBucks · Accepted Answer

First, figure out if your fear is rational. We all feel irrational fears, and it's best to look internally when dealing with those. If it's rational, like he's doing some directed at you, and not just yelling at the TV because his sportsball team isn't winning, then you have a second thing to figure out. Is it worth trying to fix him? Only you know this. If he's a shitty boyfriend, maybe you can just move on. If he's someone you see a future with, maybe encourage whatever type of therapy he's comfortable or whatever lifestyle changes that could be made to help. Or both.

You should talk to him about it, and if he's not willing to listen, that's a great indication he will get worse. I've been there. I've seen a love one go berserk on me for trying to talk with her about her anger. She went into psychotic, squealing rage. Only one way to find out though.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

You leave it's just a matter of time before you hurt you.

That's not what a boyfriend is supposed to be like a boyfriend is supposed to be loving and kind and be mature enough if he has a problem either deals with it on his own or he communicates about it and looks for answers he doesn't become mean or irritable or an asshole and especially take it out on his girlfriend you're not his girlfriend you're going to be his punching bag you need to really walk away let him do it to somebody else not you

provokeesmokee · Accepted Answer

If you're 41 and your boyfriend isn't capable of emotionally regulating, dump him.

There's men in their 30s who have better emotional regulation.

Don't date men who can't handle their own emotions. They're not ready for a relationship and you will never fix them. They need to fix themselves before they date.

His temper is not your problem or your responsibility. Your safety and health are your responsibility, your problem to solve when you're with an uncontrolled man.

Don't tolerate that shit. Get out. Before he hurts you.

Jessikaah91 · Accepted Answer

I think when you start to fear your partner there is a problem, if his temper has made you that scared next time he'll hit you and blame you for what he has done.. I think you need to end things before it gets worse. Noone deserves to be hit or abused by their spouse regardless of gender. Goodluck.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Navigating the stormy seas of a partner's bad temper can be like dancing on a tightrope, huh? The key here is to remember your own safety and emotional well-being are top priority. 🌟 When tempers flare, keep your cool by suggesting a time-out for both of you. It's like pressing the pause button on a heated video game; gives everyone a moment to breathe. Keeping communication open is vital, but remember, it's about timing—approach the topic when the waters are calm, and you're both docked safely in the harbor of rational conversation.

Now, here's where things get spicy; if talking about it doesn't lead to any change, or if his temper escalates into behaviors that are more worrying, it might be time to seek support. Whether it's from a coach like me, who can't resist a love challenge, or a more formal counseling setting, getting a third party involved can offer new strategies or insights.

But let's not forget, everyone has their limits. If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, it might be a giant red flag waving at you. Love shouldn't be scary or hurtful. You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, valued, and totally loved for who you are—quirks, and all! 🚩💛

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DishLady · Answer

Why are you voluntarily staying in an abusive relationship?

Skinhead-1979 · Answer

Does he threaten you?

Does he throw things at you?

Does he swear and curse at you?

Does he get 'physical'?

If all of the above are no... No, don't worry. I understand that it is hugely annoying and distressing at times, but there's not much he can do about it.

He could be me... I have had anger issues since I was a child aged 10/ 11. For me it is linked to my mental health problems, the abuse I have endured from my mother as a Teen. I cannot handle things going wrong... Why? My mother has called me a failure a number of times during my teens and said I would never achieve something; so, every time something goes wrong, depending on the mood even something small and insignificant is enough, I feel a failure... especially if I know I can do something and still cock up... and my 'pain' will come out in anger.

(My dad hasn't been any better than my mother, but my dad has been lashing out at me mostly in the past few years. The drop came when he laughed at me when I told him I had had 4 more suicide attempts. I have the suspicion my dad is a Narcissist)

-"Anger has always been a Reflection of how Hurt I am; no seems to understand that"-

For me there could also be another medical reason: I have been given medically prescribed Anabolic Steroids as a child to make my bones grow; my growth was lagging behind on other kids of my age. Anabolic Steroids can come with nasty side effect, one of them being Emotional Problems. Seeing that my anger started around the time I was also taking the Anabolic Steroids daily, I do think it is plausible that there is a connection (Thankfully my medical records still survive after 35 years, and I am now trying to retrieve them from the Netherlands)

I am not a violent person, nor do I threaten people; sure, I have had to fight when I was a teenager... got bullied a lot (always the smallest person of the group; insecure; and never really belonged somewhere) and have had to keep my bullies at a distance at times. Late Teens/ Early 20s I hung out with the wrong crowd: Hooligans and Racists. I got into some fights with the Turkish Youth in the Netherlands... but no fights between the age of 21 and 42. Only in recent years I have been threatened, harassed, assaulted, and attacked a few times and in August 2022 I was forced to put a teenager back in his place because he gave me a flying kick against the back of my head; I took him and his 2 friends on, and despite getting injured in the process... they ran away from me as soon as they could.

In my previous relationship the anger started to rears its ugly head a couple of years into the relationship (2014). That relationship lasted 11 years, and was abusive. No, I was not the abusive one; the ex has emotionally abused & neglected me, and constantly lied and deceived me... and while I had some idea of what she was doing, I, as I always do, blamed myself and thus the anger rose due to being a failure again. My ex didn't hesitate to use my anger for her own benefit and has been using my anger against me whenever she could. She knew exactly how to push my buttons, and sabotaged me left/right/ centre, to get exactly the responds she wanted.

I've never threatened her - I don't threaten, ever. I find it the most pointless thing you can do and it forced you to act on your threats whether you like it or not.

I've never thrown things at her

While I most certainly use 'colourful' language a lot (I don't see an issue with swearing), I do not abuse that during arguments. I have called her a 'Fucking Bitch' once in all those 11 years when she let slip that she was also talking to the kids behind my back right at the moment when I brought up again that she was destroying me behind my back. I wasn't even going to say it, I held back, but then she started "Come on, say it then! Say it!" so naturally I obliged; she's has told me to fuck off twice in 11 years; the reply I got was "Get the fuck out of *MY* house". That was my house too! I had been living there too for 8 or 9 years by that time... but she made very clear in that very moment that the place I was living in with my family was *NOT* my home/ house.

So, enough about me... Your question.

There isn't a lot you can do... When he is angry, it is best to leave him alone. He needs to calm down as fast as possible so you can have a conversation about it afterwards in a calm manner. Without knowing him, I am sure he knows and I am sure he feels guilty about it (I do at least). He could try Therapy, but I doubt it'll have much effect (I've tried it; all they gave me was CBT and mindfulness which are absolutely useless).

If it really affects you a lot, then you should maybe think about moving on.

Lastly... my 14 year old son is going through the exact same now; his anger started around the same age as it did for me. The home situations was fucked up (as I have mentioned) and naturally that has affected the kids... and I am guilty to that too of course (the mother is emotionally manipulating them... and has groomed them since they were born). The ex tried to blame me for it by saying "Well he is your son and has your genes", to which I replied "Our son is hurt and cries for help"; of course she didn't accept that because it would mean she would have to admit her role...'Our' daughter, I am not the biological father, also has anger issues and she self-harms; but the ex isn't talking about that of course because she will no longer be able to blame my son's anger on my genes.

Purpleronnie · Answer

Come on @hannah this isn’t a complex problem I could expect this question from an adolescent in their first relationship but can’t believe it seems to be coming from a mature woman in her 40’s. You communicate how you feel , you actively listen to his response and you attempt to work through it with him supporting him to express himself better and control his anger. Should that not be enough you encourage him to seek some self help or group therapy for management of his anger issues or where they come from but always always always the first step COMMUNICATION!

Bricealan · Answer

Well, Hannah, at 41, if you don't know the answer, I dont' know why you are even asking. I broke up a beating in the parking lot, by some hot head thug, pummeling his girlfriend in a car... I will never do that again. SHE HAD TO KNOW this guy was an asshole and should have dumped him long ago... as do you.

the29thhuman · Answer

You can’t reason with an irrational person.
You’re his space he can be mean, he feeds on it.
Leave.
Wait til he’s at work, pack yourself a saftey bag with your I. D and some personals, call local woman’s shelter tell them your afraid & don’t know what to do. Then hide the bag.
Then when he’s sleeping or at work again, take the bag and go to a women’s shelter.
Only a psycho guy will normalize this and it’s not normal at all.

SugarSugarplum · Answer

Protect yourself. At first such a boyfriend makes you feel safe, because he'll aggressively protect you. Until he's the one aiming his rage at you. No one deserves a violent life. Keep yourself safe.

haynes · Answer

If your boyfriend's temper freaks you out, that's a big deal. Talk to him when he's calm and let him know how it makes you feel. If things get too intense or scary, lean on your friends or family for support. You deserve to feel safe and happy in your relationship.

London1999 · Answer

He has issues and you’re not his therapist of his mum. If you manage to keep a calm head and communicate through issues you have then so should he and if he is unable to do that well fuck him. Your safety and FEELING safe is a priority. It’s legit the main role of a man.

femalewolf · Answer

Prioritize your safety. Communicate your feelings calmly when he's not angry, set boundaries, and encourage him to seek professional help. If the behavior continues, consider seeking support and possibly ending the relationship.

delsworld · Answer

You should never feel afraid around your partner, not even when they're upset. It's not worth it. Self-respect should be stronger than feelings.

dustybiker2 · Answer

Temper does not belong in a relationship. If a person is out of control they need alone time, for the safety of the other person.

Nikki1989 · Answer

You might want to consider moving on. It is unlikely he will ever change.

madewithingredients · Answer

break up. you should never be scared of your partner.

Account · Answer

Last time I encountered something like that, I broke up. But you are not me and I am not you.

pascal_climbs · Answer

Make him clear you don't like that behavior and you don't want his company until he changes

meepmeeperton · Answer

Have sex with him and let him get his anger out that way.

AliceGregory · Answer

I’d need to know more details before I give my opinion (like what does he get angry about and what does he do when he’s angry).

HelpfulWoman · Answer

you need to set a boundary for it. there's no excuse

Fatoumamoud · Answer

Why are you still with him in first place. I am genuinely curious

Dongie · Answer

Don't piss him off. No, seriously, speak to him with friends, like an intervention. If he gets pissed off tell him he works on with you or can stay mad without you.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

Get away from him. A bad temper isn't something you want to expose yourself to longer term.

Anonymous · Answer

Well when you've upset him have him spank your bottom and then take his rage our on your pussy.

Bebo_23 · Answer

Break up with him. If he has a temper you’re scared of that is an immediate red flag. You should feel safe in a relationship not scared.. he won’t change unless if he probably he seeks therapy. Still not worth the risk tbh.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Feeling safe in a relationship is important.  If he doesn't make you feel safe then you have to get rid of him.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Leave. Its not gonna improve and its just a matter of time until the "look what you made me do".

Yannae · Answer

Have him go to anger management classes or therapy.

Twalli · Answer

Male sue he never raises his hand to you. If he does, run away he could hurt you and that's dangerous.

Anonymous · Answer

Find a boyfriend who is an adult and who is kind.

MacDaddyRico · Answer

He should learn anger management skills. If he hits you, leave him.

nawtee_me · Answer

Leave him if he doesn’t seek help for his anger issues….

hydro · Answer

That’s a very serious situation. I think you should leave him immediately.

purplepoppy · Answer

Walk away. Simple as that.

avery58 · Answer

Break up with him

bowenw · Answer

Red flag and time to move on.

RHK36 · Answer

Get a new boyfriend or learn to like it

SotiCoto · Answer

Kill him in his sleep.

DreamLife7 · Answer

You're 41 years old ma'am grow tf up

HH1488 · Answer

Listen better and don't be a cunt

Agape93 · Answer

Leave

lorenzomichael · Answer

Leave

Usernqmeq · Answer

warn him

Anonymous · Answer

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