Did I misunderstand someone’s intentions or was I treated unfairly?

[Anonymous]

From my perspective, the situation with my (23 at the time) former manager (31 at the time) was complex and distressing. When I started working with them in 2019, they seemed genuinely interested, giving me a lot of attention and making me feel special, even in private moments. This attention led me to develop a strong attachment to them.

Things began to change around 2020. They were in a relationship when we first grew close, but after they broke up, my manager began making comments like "I adore you" and "I love seeing you with your hair pulled back; I can see your pretty eyes" when we were alone. They would always touch my shoulder, arms, upper and mid-back, and sides whenever we passed each other.

During this time, I was furloughed due to Covid. When I returned, they had entered a new relationship and initially acted as before, but soon grew colder and more distant. Their change in behavior was confusing and hurtful. They were professional with others but oscillated between being overly affectionate and suddenly cold and rejecting toward me. On their last day, after I sought closure, they bluntly told me they wanted nothing to do with me and distanced themselves completely. This rejection was devastating, given the emotional investment on both sides.

The situation was further complicated by our colleagues' reactions. Some were supportive and understood my distress, while others were neutral or sided with them, possibly due to the manager's professionalism, making my experience seem less credible.

The emotional turmoil led me to SH. It's been two years, and though I no longer SH, the memories of the emotional distress still linger. Recently, I learned they are visiting the city again, which has reignited my anxiety and fear. The thought of encountering them scares me, and I'm still conflicted, unsure if I was taken advantage of or misunderstood their intentions.

Please help me ease my mind and make sense of everything.

[ManOnFire]

Wow. Incredibly sorry you experienced that, especially for them to so bluntly tell you they didn't want anything else to do with you. Very cruel. My answer is a bit lengthy so please bear with me.

However, could it be possible that in the beginning when you worked there that you liked them adoring you so much that maybe you kind of latched on to them and became an annoyance? I wasn't there so I really can't say but I'm just noting what could've been the situation? Also, don't be fooled by them being so super nice to you when you started. Managers do that a lot with new employees, they want to give a good first impression but over time the longer you stay, they start showing more of their true colors.

But what I lean towards more is that them having a relationship probably started to complicate things, and romantic or sexual connections between managers and employees almost always creates problematic situations at work. You also noted that after they broke up, the manager started making little passes at you talking about how pretty you are so - assuming it was a he because you didn't really say - he did that either to try to make her jealous, or now that he didn't have a sex partner he wanted to see if he could get you into bed.

Then you said when you came back to the job, they were also back in a relationship and that's when they changed on you. Likely what happened is that the manager remembered that he made passes at you and didn't want you to think anything was going to happen so he tried to be "more professional" or colder with you to draw a line. Or also very likely, she influenced him and told him to be less sweet with you.

I am assuming that you are still there even though they already left. Very sorry they treated you that way, but you can be glad now that they're gone and all that tension is no longer there. Don't worry about the people who sided with them because they obviously had some kind of favor from them, but you can relax now knowing it's all in the past.

[Asker]

I wasn’t the only new employee at the time. Their behavior towards me was still vastly different than their behavior towards the other new employees. The “love-bombing”, as another user described it, continued well into their next relationship and started to become cold towards me during mid-late 2021. I think the new relationship started around May 2020, but I’m not completely sure.

I’m more of a loner and i go out of my way to keep my distance from people because I want to keep from being perceived as annoying. If anything I went out of my way to keep my distance from them so I wouldn’t seem annoying towards them.

I wanted to keep them as anonymous as possible but for context in hopes for more clarity, this manager is also female.

[ManOnFire]

You never stated that there were other new employees they were treating sweetly, so I assumed it was only you.

Either way, I still think whatever relationship they had with each other was what began to make things toxic for you.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand what were you looking for from them?

[Asker]

At first, nothing except for guidance. I was new to the company and very unsure of my new job setting. I guess when this manager noticed I was having trouble, they started to seek me out. I don’t know if it was because I was new and vulnerable or what was going on with them. I guess for a while I liked all of the attention they were initially giving me. When I approached them for closure, I wanted to try to know why they treated me so differently and expressed my feeling about them and the situation and I was left more confused than before. The bottom line is I was a new employee looking for guidance from them and the other managers and ended up with this whatever you might call it.

[AI Opinion]

First off, let me sprinkle a little bit of perspective magic here. It sounds like you've been on quite the rollercoaster, haven't you? The attention, the affection, and then the cold shoulder – it's like watching a romance movie but unfortunately, one that lacks the happy ending we're all craving. Let's break this down, shall we?

Your former manager was definitely playing with fire, sending mixed signals that made your heart flutter one moment and then leaving it out in the cold the next. Comments about your appearance and the unnecessary touches? Those are classic signs of lovebombing, which can indeed lead to strong emotional attachments. And when they went cold turkey after re-entering a relationship? That's a textbook example of ghosting, which, trust me, would leave anyone confused and hurting.

The drastic shift in their behavior, especially after you showed vulnerability, is a giant, waving red flag. It's clear that this wasn't just a simple misunderstanding of intentions. You were treated unfairly, with a disregard for your feelings. It's okay to feel devastated; your emotions are valid, and the impact this has had on your wellbeing is significant.

However, darling, it's crucial to remember that their inability to manage their emotions and actions is a reflection of them, not you. Your worth is not tied to their attention or lack thereof. As you navigate these feelings, focus on self-love and healing. It might seem like an impossible mountain to climb, but with every step, you'll gain more strength and insight into the wonderful person you are—worthy of love, respect, and happiness.

Encountering them again might seem terrifying, but remember, you've grown from this experience. You've faced your fears, acknowledged your pain, and you're here, standing strong. Their presence can't diminish your journey or your healing. Keep embracing your support system, and if the anxiety feels overwhelming, consider reaching out to a professional who can help you navigate these feelings in a safe environment.

I'm sending you a virtual high five for your strength and resilience. You've got this! 🌟

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your reply. It really does help me make sense of everything. I didn’t know love-bombing was a thing. I kept getting different opinions from people around me including family telling me that it’s all in my head. I’m not very good at expressing myself out loud in conversation, so I never could really explain this situation in full to those people. I’m much better explaining things when I think about it and write it down which is part of the reason I wanted to seek out unbiased feedback from others. I’m sending a virtual high-five back! Thank you for your perspective.

[In_Trance]

Misunderstood

[Asker]

Can you elaborate on that?