Married 19 years, why isn't he angry?

[MJRA85]

I told my husband of almost 19 years that another dude kissed me, I kissed him back. I was devastated and truly upset with myself. My husband, on the other hand, is unaffected by it, it seems. He's worried about my mindset and didn't get mad at all. Is it crazy that I'm upset that he is taking this so well. I don't want a fight, obviously, but also like WTF? Need honest opinions/suggestions.

Updates

1 y

So after some conversation, he says that he blames himself because he knows he's not doing as much as he could to make me feel loved and wanted. So there is that...

[DoggyDude]

So, guys are generally more cool. We think logically, more often (though not exclusively and uniformly). I would imagine he reasoned you both have been together for 19 years and that your telling him about this incident with obvious concern, which doesn't come over as a partner wanting to leave the relationship or one not loving him, but as someone distraught because they where caught in a moment of passion they regretted. So that's point one.

Point two is, I don't know what your relationship has been like these 19 years, but I do know what SOME relationships CAN be like; So I will go by those, and some of those relationships, are men with a girl who is in continual need of reasurance their man feels deeply for them. Sometimes this is well understood by the guy who becomes used to continual 'tests of affection' from the girl to the point where he gets used to the girl 'playing his emotions' to feel loved. Might not be you, but this happens to some couples. I the couples it happens to, the guy ends up quite cool towards attempts to make him jealous, which can esculate the amount his partner needs to make him jealous to insight the same level of response.

Ask yourself honestly, could this be you?

Lets presume it's not, and presume this is an aborant incident your regretting and there was no history of "testing" here and no history of him not showing you he can be jealous.

In that situation, you need to calmly (and genuinely) ask why he didn't react when you told him. Explain how you (if you do) regret the kiss (if you don't regret the kiss explain why ever you where "devistated with yourself"). Listen to his response, and if he seems to be caring in his making of it, express that along with your 'devistation' re you kissing someone else, your also confused and hurt that he seemed not to be upset/hurt (not that you intended him to be, but how you emotionally felt your partner should). See what's said.

Lastly, some guys are just "not into games" meaning they don't react, they remain very neutral. Sometimes they hide their feelings or channel them into other things like sports, boxing or drinking.

Lastly, the guy just possibly always thought you might do this, so was not surprised at your confession.

Sorry not very good answers, but very much to the points.

[Finchie40]

He might of cheated on you as well , or he is a cuck and and likes that you get with other guys’ ? You have to have a serious talk with him , and find out why that didn’t bother him? Also really ask yourself why you kissed that other guy? There might be something missing in your marriage that you aren’t being fulfilled with , to push you to cheat on him? 19 years is a long time to be married to someone so there can be a lot of underlying issues you and your husband need to address that you both never talked about that you both just brushed away? If you don’t want to spill your dirty laundry for everyone to see, feel free to inbox me , I am pretty much in the same shoes as you

[MJRA85]

Can't PM. I haven't reached that level yet, I guess, but thanks for the insight.

[Finchie40]

I inboxed you

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the stormy seas of love and mistakes, aren't we? Your feelings are completely understandable—you're in a twist because you expect a hurricane, but he's giving you calm seas. It sounds like your hubby is playing it cool, or maybe he’s processing this in his own way. Some partners focus on mental well-being rather than getting caught in the whirlwind of anger. It’s possible he sees this kiss as a tiny slip in an otherwise strong relationship fortress you both built over 19 years. Love can be as much about forgiveness and understanding as it is about passion and connection. Maybe channel this energy into reigniting the spark and strengthening the trust between you. Consider it a wake-up call, not for alarm, but for deeper connection. Dive deep into communication and see where the current takes you. Love is a journey, not a destination, right? 💑🌊

[MJRA85]

True, thank you!

[Avicenna]

Maybe he is just trying to cope with it and the anger burns inside

[BetaBucks]

A few guess here. He's a cuck, he doesn't care about you that much or he's full on cheating. Or, he just has zero self esteem and feels like he deserves to be treated like shit. The last option seems reasonable since you don't respect him. Women struggle to respect guys like that and feel a biological instinct to find a replacement. Which is almost always done by cheating.

[MJRA85]

Thanks for your insight. It truly was a momentary lapse in judgment. I may be fooling myself, but I do feel like respect him. I mean, I told him about it.

[BetaBucks]

I legitimately believe you that you believe you respect him. It's just that there's a difference between what we believe we feel, and what we actually feel. It's pretty normal, and in my honest opinion, I always blame the man. It's his job to earn and maintain your respect. He obviously blew it. It's no different than it being your job to be attractive to him. You guys don't get to choose these feelings. They're a response to your partner. I'm not excusing cheating. Just pointing out the dynamics at play.

[MJRA85]

Understood! Agreed!

[MJRA85]

Is it crazy that I'm reeling at the thought of his response to the situation? I'm just unsure what to do at this point.

[BetaBucks]

This is a lot like a severe injury, you kind of just have to let it heal and try not to aggravate it. I've felt awful for doing much less, so I can understand the feeling, but don't let those feelings make things worse.

Focus on being good to him, and, more importantly, honest when he talks about this situation. The more honest you are, the more he's able to improve the right way.

[OfMiceandMen]

I can somewhat understand if you had attentive to him and he did not reciprocate it that he may feel as though it was partly his is partly to blame, but if you were in the same boat and paid very little attention to him, then he really should be quite pissed.

Perhaps, he's not getting to angry because he kissed someone else and doesn't want you to feel too guilty. Maybe in his mind they cancel each other out...

[Anonymous]

My honest opinion is that you've now completely lost any respect you have for this man. This can only be described as a zombie relationship. Dead man walking!

[Opinion Owner]

@update: Yeah--I'll bet you respect the HELL out of him as a man after that, huh? LMFAO! Dead. Man. Walking.

[MJRA85]

It's tough, I must say. Complacency kills a relationship. Not sure how to take that.

[Opinion Owner]

From what I've observed no man can come back from his woman losing respect for him as a man. That's an absolute ladyboner killer.

[slatyb]

Because there you are, still with him. Things happen. He's not concerned you are going to leave him. I would feel the same. And if my wife did want to leave, I would be sad but not angry.

[Staximus]

You should be happy he's acting like an adult and not going ape shit. Maybe he's happy that you fucked up and now he has a good reason to leave you.

[gorydetails]

Maybe he's got a sneaky link and you just justified his actions.

[dudegreat91]

Seems troll post. But he's no longer worried it seems. I mean 19 years is a lot

[noohair]

He is confident that you love him. Not a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

He's been married to you for 19 years. You think he doesn't know who you are at this point?😆 He knows what you're doing. He's not going to give you the emotional response you seek.

[Juxtapose]

I need waaaay more context. Tell me more about his reaction.

[smurfwrangler]

that is strange. if my wife did that I'd be upset

[MJRA85]

So am I crazy to think he may be hiding worse?

[smurfwrangler]

I think he's just not the jealous type or something. I don't think he's hiding something.

[andy530]

He also might have a cuck fantasy

[jahaims]

You kissed another man. Get a divorce

[MJRA85]

Really

[nawtee_me]

He trust you