Emotional affair - what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Married 9 years. I’m in my early 30s. I have three kids. Just found out my husband had been having an emotional affair for over a year. What makes this even worse is that we knew a couple who went through this, this past year. So same time as my cheater. And I told him I thought it was disgusting what this guy did having this emotional affair. That doing that to me would be immediate grounds for divorce. All the while, he was in his own affair. So anyway, I saw a Snapchat notification and said oh who’s that? He pounced on his phone so fast I knew immediately. He lied all morning denying knowing her. So I got his phone and did some digging, found in Facebook messenger old messages how he thinks about her every birthday (they share the same one). He hasn’t seen this girl or talked to her, supposedly, since high school. Immediately after the hellos and how are yous, he goes right into bashing our marriage. A marriage I thought was great. Telling her he got married too fast. If he didn’t have kids, he’d be single. Talking about our children. He asks where she lives, where she works. Saying he’d stop by sometime. (Says he never did. Who knows). She’s also married, two little kids. He asks for her Snapchat and that was the last of the early messages I got to see. Snapchat messages delete after 24 hours so I’ll never know exactly what they talked about or did since that was the way they communicated. This was a secret Snapchat account by the way, we share his other one. So after the lying, and me calling him out, he finally admitted to knowing her and talking to her. Immediately blames me. I complain too much, how it was nice to talk to someone else (even though in her last snaps she sent, I did get to see because I had his phone, and she was complaining). He did say he’d tell her about our arguments. I don’t even remember any big arguments. Just petty five minute ones that blow over.
My post is too long. Have to break it up

Updates

1 y

Continuing..
And we get along great so I can’t even recall the last one. Talked to her about how his family and I don’t get along. Completely out of context. I love his family and tried for years to be a part of their lives but they never treated me kindly and have nothing to do with our kids. Never even asked to meet my 18 month old. And my husband never stuck up for me all those years his family would belittle me and be mean. So call me crazy, I asked the man I married to have my back.

Updates

1 y

Which he never liked the hear. Said I can stick up for myself. In a twisted effort to comfort me, he says, this ‘other girl’ usually took my side. If my eyes could roll any harder, they’d be rolling across the room. I don't know what I’m even doing writing here. I’ve never posted a thing in my life. I guess I just needed to vent because I have no one to talk to.

[lightbulb27]

wow, what a slap in the face. you write very well for someone going through that shock.

I think you'd have to take this as a stumbling block and an opportunity to evolve. Hopefully you both can get to the other side of it together.

The issues sound to me like there are festering agitations in your relationship that have not been resolved. Doesn't take much to make a person seek out some other source of pleasure... if like changed and they feel troubled.

The above is a possible motivation to seek out this other "fantasy" woman from the past... and he's stuck in dreamland about her as he escapes the frustrations he faces in the marriage. There's nothing like competing with a "perfect woman"... as he formed her in his head. It's total BS... he doesn't know her.

So the solution to lies is truth, seeking to resolve the deeper emotional issues under those, resolving, and growing.

probably need a really good therapist on this one... lots of prayer and meditation. The family issue may not be fixable because you lack control over how his family behaves, but you can do your part. I don't understand their absence... what is the hangup?

Be ready for hard work... and question is, is he interested in doing the introspection, are you open to hearing what is true to him right now?

Generally... I've seen people divorce because people don't want to do the really hard work and change themselves, to get past their own issues that have been dug up. It's easier to move on. But it just means postponing dealing with the same issues... which are sometimes, never resolved.

Maybe you are the one that's been living in the fantasy... so distracted, you don't see how he really feels?

I wouldn't wish your spot on anyone...

[Asker]

Thank you for your thoughtfully written response. I truly hope we can get through this one day. I just don’t want to wonder for the rest of my life if he’s being honest. I know that’s something I would have to work on - trusting him again, once and if he earns it back. That’s a very plausible theory.. he worked up this perfect woman who was fun and exciting to talk to. I asked him so many times why, but he really has had no response to give me. He’s saying sorry, says he knows he screwed up. But I just don’t know if that’s enough right now. He says he’ll try everything to gain my trust back. I don’t even know how someone builds that back to be honest, after breaking it so badly. As far as his family goes, he’s the only son and has three sisters. The parents have always been more involved with the girls and their kids. I can’t figure them out either though. For seven years, I would send pics of my kids, try FaceTiming, I’d even call his mom to chat once a week (no one ever called me first so eventually I stopped). When we lived far, I made sure we visited home every three months. They visited once a year, when they did visit. They haven’t visited in years and have been in the area where we live (they moved out of state a few years ago) 6 times that we know of and they didn’t ask to see us. But getting back to the other issue, I’m more than willing to hear him out and what is true to him. The problem is I feel like I’m trying to talk to him and beg for answers and it’s like pulling teeth. Maybe it is me, like you said. Although I am busy with the kids all day, I didn’t think I was distracted from reality, I thought I’m very attentive to him when he comes home, but perhaps I’m just not enough. Or didn’t pay attention enough. I just don’t know. My hearts in physical pain. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone either.

[lightbulb27]

I went through some of this which is why can relate somewhat... had dangling emotional affair that I drug into my new relationship w girlfriend... now wife. I had to learn what that meant. I've know multiple guys and gals that had affairs. It's similar threads each time. Solution, drop the other woman (fantasy), work on selves and expose the root issues, re-establish new loving patterns to rebuild trust. time to go to church... men only!

this one is a heartache or heart attack in the making and a psych thriller with the family component. I don't want to assume too much about them. But when there's an emotional barrier, you'll see things like this.

I think the way I'd play it on your side is to be happy with you, sit back to some extent and see if some flowers grow out of this as he opens up. If ever was a case to take prescribed meds, this is it. Although side effects make them not attractive to me. So God/Christ, women support, be your savior.

He does need to open up and you are being affronted because he's open with her and not you. I opened up to my wife about things I'd never told anyone. There were various roots to my issues.

[lightbulb27]

You sound healthy in writing... emotionally... normal. I don't hear "controlling" or nagging or abusive. He could get a real education talkign to other men about how awful some of these other women are. Contrast helps! Maybe he's the passive youngest child and was oppressed by the girls in the family. I'd look for why he feels unaccomplished. Maybe he doesn't feel good enough... in the nuclear family. That's what I'd be probing. He may do well to get into a mens group or some trusted source he can talk to and peel the onion of himself. Writing, church, mens groups, books, therapist. be nice if was you he'd talk to, but may not feel comfortable vulnerable. Realize something is screwed up on his side and he's not content, it just came out. Same pattern as someone else I met recently.
some people don't know, how serious it is. I admire my wife for teaching me the risks and issues, I didn't see and working through it.
If he just gives words without some work, I'd figure it's over. words are meaningless without actions.

[mobiusforniner]

Having had an emotional affair myself, I can tell you it likely stems from something already broken in your marriage. For me personally, it was unresolved issues that I’d constantly discuss with my wife about but she didn’t want to change it. So the problems continued, I felt unheard and I eventually confided in a coworker who “empathized” with my struggles. I developed so many excuses why it was okay to have this “friend” when I am already married

My wife and I are still married. The solution for us was learning to communicate and fix the root causes. Rather ironically, my wife seeing me emotionally depart from her was the motivation needed to see the problem and make changes. Yes, she was upset and hurt. Yes, I am stupid. But making changes resulted in a happier relationship. When I saw my wife making the hard efforts to improve our marriage, I then faced the reality that my “friend” didn’t belong in the picture. I promised my wife I’m committed to our marriage and I told my “friend” she needed to go. It wasn’t easy, nothing ever is. Since my friend was a coworker, the breakup went very badly, both personally and professionally; but that’s the price we pay for learning and growing.

Do you want to stay married? It’s gonna require you both check your pride and egos at the door. Don’t point fingers. Genuinely communicate and find ways to fix what’s broken

[AI Opinion]

My heart goes out to you. Discovering an emotional affair is like stepping on a rollercoaster that you didn't buy a ticket for. Emotional affairs can sting deeply because they involve betrayal of the heart, not just the physical aspect.

You're experiencing what I like to call a "lovebomb turned ghosting," where his attention was diverted to someone else. It's crucial to address the boundary breach and have an open, honest conversation about the impact of his actions. Consider professional help like couples therapy if that's something you both agree on. Remember, you deserve love and loyalty in return for what you provide. 💔

[Asker]

I don’t want to tell family and friends in case one day I can forgive him, I know they’ll never forget or look at him the same way again. Let me be really clear when I say this guy was my best friend. I thought the world of him. So I’m dying inside behind a forced smile so my kids don’t see how broken I really feel so I can save their childhood as best I can. I will sacrifice my happiness and put on the best show of my life to pretend we're one happy family for their sake. I thought I had a really good guy. I thought the only thing I ever had to worry about with him, was him dying. Now I just feel stupid. Betrayed. I don't know how I’ll get past this. I’ll never look at him the same again and I’ll always wonder what he’s really doing, who he’s really talking to. I’m completely at a loss and hurting so bad. He keeps telling me he’s sorry and he made a huge mistake. But I just don’t care at the moment to hear his apologies. I’ve also moved all over for him, gave up my teaching career due to him being in the military. He's out now and we've been settled and I've loved being a SAHM. To top it off, I went through a traumatic miscarriage this year and we’ve been trying ever since for another baby. I feel sick to my stomach. He took away so much. My trust, my comfort, my marriage, my best friend, my chance at one last baby I so desperately wanted. Luckily, the two idiots gave so much info initially about their personal lives, it took me ten seconds to find her husbands place of work and number so I was able to efficiently get him up to speed. What are your thoughts, what would you do? :(
- trying to get all my thoughts out and it was too long to update

[Stu234432]

I'm so sorry to hear this. That's terrible. Do you have both have a good sex life? I'm just asking because the lack of it is often the reason for emotional infidelity among couples. But it could be any number of things. Have you thought of couples therapy?

[Asker]

I genuinely appreciate your sincere response. Honestly, we have a great sex life. I thought we had an amazing marriage, which is why I’m so blindsided. Definitely going to start couples therapy. I’ll stay with him (at least) until the kids are older because I’ll sacrifice my happiness for theirs any day. But I feel checked out. I don’t see that changing. I think he liked the attention from someone new. It was a friend from the past.

[Stu234432]

I don't know how far this emotional fidelity went but I understand that what's known already is something that cannot be forgotten and that it's devasting. Broken trust can never truly be made whole again. I understand it feels terrible. I always wish there were something to say that would help any situation but I know that (like in this case) there really isn't (at least there wouldn't be for me) so I get it. I can only say that you're not alone in having felt this way. Don't give up hope for happiness again.

[Asker]

Exactly, I will never know what was said over this past year or how far it really went and like you said, broken trust can’t really ever be repaired. I’ll always wonder who he’s really texting, if he’s really working late, etc. but I do really appreciate your kind words and support. Thank you.

[Stu234432]

Anytime. You're kind to stay with him for the sake of your family, but don't give up on happiness for yourself.

[Asker]

Thank you

[strateguy632]

Emotional affair? Like not touch her. Stop over reacting.

[Asker]

Like confiding her in. Sharing intimate details about our lives. Lying to me for over a year. Secretly talking to her every day. I have no idea if it went beyond that. But I’ve made it known, an emotional affair, in my opinion, is not okay

[Anonymous]

tell him you want to try anal then shit on his dick

[moneymagnet24]

He is not happy with you