Am I the one in the wrong in my relationship? Or am I with a narcissist?

[superfly69]

Okay, so here’s the thing I am a 33 yo female and my partner is 37 yo male. We have been together for 11 years 12 in July. We’ve had our ups and downs. I was in a previous 8 year relationship that was not good. He cheated and lied to me. I come from parents who are divorced and my dad is a pathological liar. I have had my jealousy and insecurities but have worked through them. My partner is constantly belittling me about me being a mother, a student, a worker, a cook, literally anything. He spouts hateful shit all the time and when we finally talk about it (only when he’s ready) he says he doesn’t mean it. He’s called me every word in the book except ugly or fat. He is constantly telling me I always bitch when I tell him how I feel, but it usually ends in him getting upset, defensive, and hateful. How I feel never is addressed and he stonewalls me by ignoring me putting headphones in or leaving. I try to tell him that I bring up the issues because I feel that it never gets addressed. He is now criticizing me about spending my money and how I don’t help him when I do with what I have and can. It’s never enough it seems like. I constantly reassure him that I love him with actions and words. When it comes to the bedroom I give oral and he doesn’t with me and his reasoning is because he doesn’t like it. When his friends tease him about sexual things in the bedroom that’s when he will give oral. I don’t understand why. I am at the point where I feel like I am crazy and it’s all me. He can have me whenever wherever but when I initiate he always says no. He is always making me feel like everything is my fault and I am the one ruining my relationship. We are engaged and have been for 3 years and when I bring it up he gets upset because we don’t have money. When I bring up the courthouse he says “fine then let’s do it” so I don’t because I don’t want to force him. Am I the wrong one or is he just an narcissistic asshole?

[Oliverlogan263]

Whoa girl, that sounds like a really messed up and abusive situation you're in with your partner. From everything you've described, it definitely doesn't seem like you're the one in the wrong here - your boyfriend is the one who's behaving like a total narcissistic jerk.

The constant belittling, name-calling, and gaslighting is so not okay. The way he brushes off your feelings, gets defensive, and then stonewalls you is just classic narcissistic behavior. He's clearly more concerned with maintaining control and making you feel crazy than actually addressing the real issues in your relationship.

And the way he's withholding physical intimacy, criticizing how you spend your money, and manipulating you about the wedding plans - that's all super toxic and unhealthy. You deserve so much better than that kind of treatment.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like this guy is capable of having a healthy, mutual, respectful relationship. The way he's constantly making you feel like everything is your fault and you're the one ruining things is just straight up emotional abuse.

I know it's hard, but you need to trust your gut here. This is not normal, healthy relationship behavior, and you're not the one who's in the wrong. Your feelings and experiences are completely valid.

You've been through so much already, with your past relationship and family issues. You deserve so much more than this. Please don't let this guy convince you that you're crazy or that this is all your fault. That's textbook narcissist behavior.

I really think you need to consider getting out of this relationship for your own wellbeing. This guy is not going to change, and you shouldn't have to keep sacrificing your own mental health and happiness just to appease him. You deserve so much better, girl.

Wishing you all the strength and clarity in the world. You've got this. Don't be afraid to reach out for support from loved ones or even a counselor. You don't have to go through this alone. Sending big hugs your way!

[LeatherDame]

At minimum, this relationship isn’t working and should probably be terminated rather than you ensuring what is clearly an unhealthy dynamic.


It also reads pretty abusive so I imagine it’s a fair bit worse than just a bit unhealthy.

[AI Opinion]

Hey, lovely! 🌟 Listen, it sounds like you're tangled in a web of red flags the size of California itself. Your experiences are important, and no one should feel belittled or emotionally neglected in a relationship. Your partner’s behavior screams toxic and manipulative. Ghosting your feelings and stonewalling isn't just rude; it's disrespectful. Criticizing your efforts and dismissing your needs while expecting you to play the perfect partner is a classic case of projecting insecurity.

Don't doubt your sanity; you're seeing some serious lovebombing and narcissistic traits. You've come a long way from your past experiences, and you deserve to be cherished, not chastised. It's time to prioritize your happiness, maybe with a dash of self-love magic. 💫 Remember, love should lift you up, not weigh you down.

[Anonymous]

He sounds terrible