Have you ever experienced a relationship with someone that has the Push and Pull Syndrome?

Question

Push and pull syndrome is when a partner loves you and adores you for a period of time , then all of a sudden they do not want anything to do with you , like they all of a sudden hate your guts and treat you like shit , so the second you walk away , they come chasing you back being all loving and caring to you again. I experienced this with my ex to a point I had to just throw in the towel and told her to go seek mental help big time , Have you ever experienced a relationship like this?

Keyboardkat · Accepted Answer

This used to be called the "Dance-away lover syndrome." And I'll give you a clue. It usually means the person has very low self-esteem. The psychology is, "I'm really not worth much as a person, so therefore, anyone who could possibly want me can't be worth anything, either." The fact that you fall in love with them actually devalues you in their eyes. The other side of the same coin is, "If I let Finchie get too close to me, he'll find out what I'm REALLY like and he won't want me and he'll dump me. So I'd better dump him first."" I had a girlfriend with this problem back in graduate school decades ago.
Once you show you have some self-respect and walk away, suddenly you're not so worthless after all, and then they may come chasing after you.
What's the source of the problem? Well, they say that if you find someone who has constant problems with their intimate relationships, a history of divorces or repeated marital breakups, look at the person's relationship with the parent of the opposite gender. If it's a girl, look at the dynamics of her relationship with her father. In the case of my ex-girlfriend from way back, she knew that her dad had always wanted a son, and in fact had had a baby boy who died in infancy, so he was left with only two girls. Somehow, he had (probably unintentionally) conveyed to her that she was of lesser value to him because she was a girl! She spent years trying gain his approval by becoming an over-achiever (quite common among people who feel they have something to prove) but she could never be the one thing that she thought she had to be to please her dad, which was the son he didn't get.
I didn't realize all this until many years later. It's not a problem you could help your girl with unless you're prepared to be her therapist, which, even if you were qualified, would be a dead end for your relationship. She needs some deep therapy. But she probably thinks there's nothing wrong with her. You need, sadly, to let her go.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Yeah this is something any reasonable adult should mature out of. When people past the age of 30 are still acting this way it shows that the person is ruled by their emotions. They usually have a fantasy addiction and/or they got a lot of emotional baggage.

Men and women can both portray their fantasies of what they “think” the other person on their mates. They set unannounced expectations.

Not to say it isn’t pleasant to feel in love someone and/or have them be in love with you. But how often do we judge and get angry at the person when we discover their flawed and problematic human beings that don’t match “the image” they had of us.

Personally the worst heartbreak I’ve ever had in my life was from a woman who told me she was deeply in love for an entire year. Then treated me like I was less then human when she discovered I wasn’t the man she fantasized me to be. But she kept it up for so long (almost a year) that I started to believe her feelings were genuine but they weren’t. She was just indulging her fantasy.

I on the other hand had a deeper love for her which extended past fantasy. It was the feeling of wanting what was best for me even if it meant that her future did not include me. It wasn’t about possession.

caitycat21 · Accepted Answer

My ex was like that, I think he was a narcissist. When we broke up he still tried to gas light and manipulate everything into being a pity party for him instead of taking any accountability for his actions. I hate that he was my first introduction into “dating” but I don’t know if I would even call it that since we were so on and off again because of his toxicity that we never really progressed outside of anything but the talking stage and that was in the time span of a year

Apple1996 · Accepted Answer

A bit yeah but my husband is a heavy drinker so I just assume it's the alcohol when he's acting bad

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Here's where a lover of love like me pops in! On Girls Ask Guys, I aim to bring clarity and joy to these often tricky love games. The push and pull syndrome? It's a heart-tugging roller coaster! 🎢 I've not personally spiraled on that ride, but many awesome people I’ve worked with have. It's a real emotional see-saw, and you did well spotting those red flags. Getting off that wild ride to find balance and mental peace is key. It's a relationship tango, not a wrestling match! 💃🕺 Love and relationships should be about harmony, not chaos.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Google: 1. Approach-avoidance conflict, and 2. Borderline personality disorder

HawkPerception · Answer

First ex was very much like that. Glad that chapter of my life is over.

AviatorTom · Answer

Nope... only the Push syndrome. When they Pull away, it's time to move on.

Lilbit84 · Answer

Yup this would be like the 3rd time. So I'm told him don't contact me no more. December 10th is when he called me and begged me to go back in a relationship with him. I told him that I would think about it because he broke me down the first time. Really bad. He promised me the moon. The last couple weeks he was getting lesser and lesser to talk to. I know he was "counseling" a chick at his job because of her relationship was going south. After that not the same. Today he told me he just wasn't ready for a committed relationship. All this after telling me he knew he screwed up the last time. Promises he wouldn't again. I told him to see his therapist.
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RavVid · Answer

No. A friend did institute this with his wife and he claimed it made things better between them. I think it was done in a less extreme way though. He would make the running for a while then just stop. His wife would look around when he stopped... and make running in turn.

I could see it working.

Abbycado · Answer

Can’t say that I have, but I’ve only had two relationships.

RichA322 · Answer

Sounds like a narcissist, someone with a Mental health problem or someone who just doesn't care about you. But yes, I have experienced it. Narcissistic ex-girlfriend. And I'm happy it's over.

silvermoon84 · Answer

I had a situationship like that. Guy would go to other girls but would come back to me when he needed an ego boost, and I was so crazy about him that I allowed it. And then the ex who was always doing it to him came back and told him she wanted to settle down and he was back with her. I found this out and that’s when I got fed up and told him to fuck off. I’m not stupid anymore about things like that now.

HungTexan · Answer

I never had a relationship like that. Sounds awful! There’s something wrong psychologically with someone like that. They need professional help.

idonotlikeyou · Answer

I would never let my partner end up in such a state. For me, a relationship is not just about love, communication, and commitment, but also mutual trust and respect. You must have really fucked up for your ex to behave like that.

sage2021 · Answer

There's a book that was popular in the very early 90's titled  Come Closer Go Away.

valentina4eva · Answer

yesss i have absolutely experienced this with a couple of diff guys before!!😵🥺😵

Crimsyjo · Answer

Not quite to that extreme... but I have one relationship like that right now *sigh*...

beefcakebradybatson · Answer

Circa 1970, the late, great Memphis singer/dancer/DJ (Mr.) Rufus Thomas, born in 1917 like my mother, had a hit of sorts with the dance "The Push And Pull."

Tmucciolo · Answer

It's called Dismissive or Fearful Avoidant Attachment style

Emmytexrex · Answer

Yes it can make you go loco or even kabom so best thing to do is run away 😂

NathanDavis · Answer

no... I picked them sane ones

LaurenM1997 · Answer

That’s happened to me ….

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Yep!

Have you ever experienced a relationship with someone that has the Push and Pull Syndrome?

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Have you ever experienced a relationship with someone that has the Push and Pull Syndrome?

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