Guys, Why do some men keep someone around as a backup while they’re not serious about them?

Question

The father of my child wants us to get back together, but he’s seeing someone else. He says it’s not serious, but the problem is I live in another country, so it would be a long-distance relationship. He’s not willing to end things with her, claiming he wants to try with us, which I don’t understand.

I know long-distance relationships are hard, but I also feel like he’s being unfair to her. She may have developed feelings for him, and he knows deep down that he doesn’t want anything serious with her. He’s just passing time while hoping we’ll get back together.

I told him that if he wants us back, he needs to change his mindset. Saying he’s lonely and that I should understand because he’s a man is not okay. He’s used to not being lonely and having multiple relationships. He acts like his life is together, but it’s clear he’s selfish and doesn’t think things through.

Why do some men struggle to focus on one woman? Why waste someone’s time if you’re not serious about them? I feel for the woman he’s seeing because if she knew he’s just keeping her around as a backup, it would hurt her. I also don’t like the idea of them together when he wants to is together.

why do men do this really?

Updates

1 y

I asked a very specific question about why men do this—why men want to have their cake and eat it too, why they set conditions for women, and why they struggle to commit to one woman despite claiming they want a future together. I didn’t ask about women doing the same; I already know that happens. I wanted to understand why men act this way from a man’s perspective.

It’s disappointing to see that instead of directly addressing my question, many responses shifted the focus to what women do.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

I say this almost every day here, but I think most women refuse to believe it.

Your ex is a top 5% guy, for whatever reason. It may be looks, money, status, or a combination of the three, but the bottom line is that he has no trouble attracting women - lots of women. And most of these women know he's not looking for anything long-term or serious, YET they get with him because they secretly hope he'll change his mind and pick her. But he won't - he will always pick HIMSELF, because his attractiveness has always allowed him to get away with it. His outcomes have taught him that he will always get what he wants without ever needing to sacrifice for it, so he sees no reason he should do so.

Women nearly ALWAYS chase such men - many will dump men who are completely devoted to them if such a man gives them a bit of attention - but those men will ALWAYS pick themselves and their own desires over having to make any sacrifice. And why shouldn't they? They can replace one woman with another quickly and easily.

These men won't change because they don't need to change to win.

As a woman, if you get with a man like this, you get the excitement at the beginning, and maybe you get to make your friends jealous, but you will always end up getting dumped or cheated on, and any "commitment" you get won't be worth a thing, because he will always choose himself.

(A similar thing is true of most really beautiful woman, with a few nuanced differences).

You need to come to terms with who this guy is, and accept that his "commitment" will always be subject to his own convenience and whims. Expecting him to make any real sacrifice for you is delusional. That's not who he has ever been, and it's not who he'll ever be. He has always been the guy who expects you to be perfectly fine with him having a side chick and still be committed and loyal to him. But because he's attractive, you are actually considering it. He's never hid who he was - you just ignored the red flags because he was attractive and that made him exciting, and so you were willing to compromise your morals. You are one of the MANY women who have proved to him that he never needs to sacrifice or compromise.

What do you think is going to happen? Do you really think he's ever going to be faithful and committed to you? Are you still that delusional?

Someone with endless options is almost always going to take advantage of those options. Most people let them get away with having few if any morals, because they are so attractive on the surface. But the center of such people is rotten. They will always choose themselves no matter who they hurt in the process. That's who they are. The only person they really care about is themselves.

Hobobobo · Accepted Answer

Looks like nobody is trying to answer the question. I'll try.

This is pretty simple from my perspective. He is diversifying his investments. He is treating romance similarly to any other type of investment. He doesn't know if a relationship will be successful or not, so he is trying not to eliminate potential options. More options always feels good. It's empowering to know you can easily switch or make another choice if one option doesn't give the results you want.

All humans are like this to some degree. For him you are one of his options, and the more options he can have, the better, because more options represents security similarly to how multiple streams of income represents greater financial security.

On the subject of what is fair, I don't think that's a concern. He isn't trying to be fair. He is trying to have an advantage. He doesn't struggle to focus on one woman. Focusing on one woman isn't his goal. He doesn't seem to have any interest in that. It's not a struggle because it isn't a priority. If he could have more women, he probably would.

On the subject of wasting someone else's time. This also seems obvious. It's very empowering to the ego for someone to use their own time, energy, and resources to fulfill your needs and desires with nothing in exchange. Having that kind of power over someone else is a very ego boosting feeling. This is why being manipulative is so attractive to people. It feels good to have power over people to make them do what you want. The feeling of control and superiority is very attractive and can even be addictive. It also creates a very convincing illusion of emotional security.

If any relationship starts feeling bad or doesn't give him the feelings he wants, he can just switch to the next person. And if he has power in the relationship, he can make the isolated person feel like they are the one who did something wrong and are being punished for not making him happy.

I hope this is making sense and is answering your question.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Ah, the mysterious world of backup plans and strategic love maneuvers! Many folks, like your ex, feel comforted by keeping their options open, like having a safety net in the emotional circus. It often boils down to fear of being alone or missing out. Long-distance might be tough, but honesty is crucial for everyone involved. He's juggling hearts and that's never fair play. Trust your gut, love! You deserve someone who's truly committed to you without a side gig. And remember, love isn't a game where one should keep a bench of substitute players! ❤️ Keep sparkling and always choose you!

Summeroflove · Answer

Women do this too if it’s in the early stages of dating then that’s one thing but it’s not okay to do it to someone who you’re committed to and it’s not okay to string the other person along either.

If you’re not wanting to be in a relationship with him then tell him that. Trust is going to be hard if he’s messing around with other women whether it’s sexual or not. The chances of you being cheated on are very high.

I don’t think it’s okay just because he’s a man that’s called having double standards. If he doesn’t want a woman doing something to him then he shouldn’t be doing it himself people who have this way of thinking frustrate me to no end.

I think you see and understand if he’s willing to do this to another woman he’s willing to do it to you. If he’s a narcissist then they always have a backup no matter what. That’s just how they are and they are not good at making exclusive relationships. They will expect you to remain loyal to them while fucking around on you.

See if you cheat on a narcissist you’re the worst person in the world. But if they cheat and can’t lie about it anymore you’ll hear every single excuse and justification in the world.

I didn’t mean to go on a tangent on cheating. But maybe he’s a decent dude I don’t know him. At the end of the day if you’re not feeling it tell him. Give him closure that you’re not looking for anything romantic or sexual with him the only thing you expect him to do is be there for the child. That he helped create and bring into this world

Finchie40 · Answer

Not all men do this , selfish manipulative men do this type of shit , you are best to walk away from his ass period , I don’t care that you have a baby with him , he wouldn’t be your ex to begin with, if he truly loved and cared about you and your child together. The only reason he is your ex is because he is a selfish POS person that only cares about himself.

Cormac995 · Answer

He sounds like a toxic selfish POS. I think he's your ex for a good reason. Do not get back together with him and frankly cut contact if possible. Something to keep in mind is that yes, he says he loves you, but do you really want to get back together with someone willing to use another human being for comfort when she thinks they're dating? That's cruel and abusive, stay away! If he'd do this to someone else, how are you ever supposed to trust him and if you can't trust him how can you love him? If he can be this cruel to her and take her for granted like this, why would you ever think he was going to treat you with the respect you deserve? Don't let him in keep him out and make it clear you're never getting back together period, and he needs to stop perusing you or it's going to be a problem.

Anonymous · Answer

Some men may do that, but not as much as women. Most men can’t even get a girl. A majority of women find about 80% of men unattractive. So the ones who are usually doing what you speak of as far as men are usually men who have access to an abundance of girls. Most men don’t have that. Women certainly do because regardless of how hideous a girl may look there’s always a man willing to be w her. Not the other way around. A lot of women have men in their friend zone who they know simp for them. All she has to do is play cutesy, asking Tim to do this or that for her which he gladly will because he thinks it could increase his chances of getting w her.

OneViewpoint · Answer

A guy like that is not a man. He's a 40 year old (or whatever) with the personality development of a 15 year old. Not all men are like that. The guy is obviously selfish and doesn't give a crap about using women. Be done with him. Go find a healthy adult male personality to engage with. it'll be a night and day experience.

NicholasRedone · Answer

I think humans are a very fickle thing - lol. We can be awesome and we can be horrible.

In the end, I suppose it happens to all genders, that one partner either is unsure or they just have wandering eyes/eye candy/one that got away. Or other issues needing a psychiatrist that are unresolved. Shrug

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

That isn't whats going on.
There is no "backup", he wants you to come to his country so he can bang 2 women who want him. He is likely telling both women that the other one isn't the one he is serious about, there is also probably more than just 2 women.
He's an idiot who thinks he can lie his way into having a harem.

Shiprex · Answer

There's no single individual that can tick all of anyone elses boxes all the time and this guy is trying to get as many of his wants and desires ticked as possible.

Is it fair? Not for those who want monogamy but for him he's getting his boxes ticked

Ladsin2 · Answer

Everyone keeps backups. I think women are worse with this than men to be honest. Men are opportunists. A woman shows up nekked and they fuck. A woman actually has a guy friend that's basically her brother anyway, he's probably gay anyway. I shouldn't even care about him, he's just a great guy. Then as soon as we get in a fight guess who's giving her the dicky-doo.

Joshydavid25 · Answer

Plenty of women have done this, and it's basically just them wanting their cake and to eat it too.. They don't seem to know exactly what they want.. They're just being selfish and trying to get what they want out of those situations..

lightbulb27 · Answer

You said it.. he's used to this. The reason is its commitment which means giving up on anyone else or any dreams he has of some woman. So he just has to decide to commit.

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

He doesn't want to get back together with you. If he wanted that then that's what he would do. He just keeping you on the hook to keep having sex with you on the side. Move on don't waste your life waiting on him

LiamS95 · Answer

If I find the right woman for me and a lifetime relationship and commitment why would I ever need a backup girl?

molonski2 · Answer

Well , obviously its always positive to have a couple on the bench that you may have to call at times.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

Insecurity; the same reason women to it. They want to feel like they aren't going to be alone.

Staximus · Answer

Guy seems like a shit bag, congratulations for having a kid with a shit bag

Pohjolan · Answer

Guy is a fuckboy prioritizing short term mating over committing. Why have a child with a fuckboy if you don't want to deal with this?

Uglygaypoorcoward94 · Answer

Because they can, guys that can't get any girls is gross. Women like men other women like

Aiko_E_Lara · Answer

Same reason why some women keep someone around as a backup while they’re not serious about them.

Filthy_Immigrant · Answer

he either wants to look and feel like a player or is dwelling on scarcity

Manuelwe · Answer

Women have safe orcspare cock. We have the same. But she is less likely to get caught cheating on him

Anonymous · Answer

For the same reason some women keep men around even though she has no real interest in them.🤔 duh.

GAGsucksballs89170 · Answer

Same reason women do The alarm system called "in-security"

masterSir · Answer

Girls do the same. like talking to their EX's or "he's just a friend".

MikeRJ · Answer

I would find someone who wants to be just with you.

RedInnocent69 · Answer

Um, as backup… You just never know when you’ll need or get the chance

Anonymous · Answer

Everyone loves to have options; girls date a lot of bad boys and keep good guys in the friend zone all the time.

Leopold000 · Answer

It's not limited to men. Many women do this too. It's essentially like having a safety net.

Pterodon · Answer

Because dumb women allow it

jahaims · Answer

They are emotionally immature

Guys, Why do some men keep someone around as a backup while they’re not serious about them?

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Why might someone always end up being the backup plan for men they date?

Guys, Why do some men keep someone around as a backup while they’re not serious about them?

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Why might someone always end up being the backup plan for men they date?

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