Thoughts on Men indulging in lustful media/creations?

[Anonymous]

I have a partner of two years. He does an amazing job of taking care of me. But there is one thing I don't really understand about him. He collects these volumptuous figurines, draws art of women with very sexual.. blessed assets in lingerie/bikinis.. plays video games and most likely plays the sexiest character along with the sexiest skins. AKA Stellar Blade and TFD. I'm coming from a place of insecurity and trauma in this matter. I am also just not that kind of woman. I've never really found it tasteful to indulge in those sort of things. This has been at the core, the source of every single argument we've had for the past 2 years. It drives the both of us crazy. My issue is: I don't mind if you did it in the past, or whatever you did before we started dating. But we are in a relationship. I live with him, and I mainly exist in his room as I do not have my own (Which contributes as well, but we won't be moving anytime soon, so I won't have my own space for now.) I come home everyday.. to the same image of big assets.. almost nude... anime girls. I understand it's not real, but it is still softcore p*rn is it not? If he has me, why does he feel the need to continue lusting/oogling over those things? It makes me feel not enough for him. I understand men to the best of my knowledge, and that's just how they are as creatures. Also, I look nothing of these characters. I used to be overweight 215lbs. But I went down to 158 and went through therapy to work on my self-image for this issue. And to feel "prettier" for him. I still feel insecure though. I still don't feel like enough. I've asked him to compromise for me to let this sort of thing go as to me it seems pretty normal for relationships to let go of this sort of thing no? We had a conversation a few days ago. He says If I don't like it, then I can break up with him.. to let something as artificial as this, and I don't think im asking for much here, to "break" our relationship? Please give me genuine input.

[Anonymous]

You went to therapy to deal with your self image because of him , you feel insecure also want to feel prettier for him , etc.
Seeing the big assets of nude women and women being objectified makes you upset especially since you don’t have your own room.

You feel the games he plays is sexist and indulging in artificial fantasies along with believing it is softcore p*rn.

From his side of the coin he is doing what is typical of guys (at least some) buying anime figurines , displaying nude women , playing games that contribute to the male fantasy , etc. and sees you as a buzzkill / trying to take away what makes him happy.

He should understand what you went through caused by this and that you went for help so, you could be together. It wouldn’t be much to ask to ‘tone it down’ / to engage in that stuff when you aren’t in the room as him. You share a bedroom which is normal for couples since one bed two people in love makes sense , so it would be nice if he toned it down / kept some things on his side and you keep your things on your side.
To him just tone it down a little, doesn’t have to be taken away completely would be compromise. If you love her then put in some effort, just some.

He doesn’t want to end the relationship , though from his perspective you want to end it over artificial objects since it is like “its either me or the toys”. It seems like a stalemate so since you clearly love each other he should try to compromise along with you.

And since you don’t like s*x or indulging in things….
He seems sexually active and still hormonal, he has high libido and it won’t go away. Just because you are in a relationship it doesn’t go away. So maybe compromise? Whatever that looks like to you and ask him why he collects the anime figures , why he plays those kinds of games , why he does these things? Clearly it isn’t an attack on you , it is just something that brings him joy and happiness. Everyone has their thing, though if it is hurting you he should try to minimize it to compromise or something.

It could be that you aren’t compatible and it was doomed from the start, I only know from your perspective so I don't know. Just take all these points into consideration and everyone else’s advice to make a decision that works for both of you. Sorry I couldn’t help further.

God Bless You and Prayers!

[Opinion Owner]

Another thing to add is, you are not in competition with those things.
He obviously loves you and values your beauty, it isn’t a crime to demand more of that attention because every woman deserves to feel special.
If you want to feel beautiful and sexy also special, then maybe let him see you naked / kiss him and cuddle him tight. You can do romance without being ‘sexual object’ , “making love” is romantic without that feeling the heat and getting down n dirty in a soft , gentle , seductive , playful way without being sinful.

[Anonymous]

First of all you’re comparing yourself to these women, he isn’t. As much as a lot of you women think we do, we really don’t. So you need to get that thought out of your head. More than likely if that’s what he wanted he’d be w someone like that, not you. It’s a fantasy, that’s all it is. What matters is where his heart is, who he loves. This drives you crazy, not both of you. You’re driving him crazy. Which can be a recipe for disaster cause he may just decide I don’t want to be w you. You’re too insecure. Asking men to stop looking at other women is like asking you to stop being emotional. If he’s in your age category then he’s still just a kid. Overtime chances are he’ll lose interest in it, move onto something else. Who knows maybe real porn lol now you’d feel even more insecure. Does he still have sex w you? Or is he so enamored by these photos, drawings that he can’t focus on nothing else?

[Asker]

To clarify, I am 20 and he is 27. I also understand we have a large maturity gap. I understand my insecurity and trauma very well. And I've improved, I've still got much to work on.

I love the perspective of "If he wanted to be with someone like that, he would probably find someone like that" granted i was 215lb when we first met, this does help me feel a lot better on this matter. It's just difficult to believe that when the "value" of women in modern society is usually her looks/body and mannerisms. And when the man who does love you, fantasizes about the complete opposite of OUR "value".

We do have sex, 2-3 times a month. Not as often as I'd like, but I dont hold that against him. However, whenever we do, he doesn't really bother to try and finish me off and I usually have to do that after, myself. (We've discussed this and I gave my advice on how he can do better in that regard, but he's more so on the side "It's difficult to please women" and doesn't really put effort towards it.).

I wouldn't say he is obsessively enamored by these depictions of women, but rather just a main hobby of his that he likes to indulge in regularly.

I know I am ignorant on this matter, hence why I am here asking these otherwise "dumb" things.

My question to you however:

Even if its fantasy, is it still not something you men "desire"? Do you not feel a lack of satisfaction towards what we look like as your partners when we don't look like your fantasies?

[Opinion Owner]

Yes it’s a fantasy. But it has no bearing on a majority of cases as far as a man w his partner. Hell there’s a lot of women that I’d have sex w if I was alone, so yes I fantasize about them. But it has nothing to do w how I feel about a person. Again what matters is where his heart is at. Who he comes home to. It’s hard to explain to you as a female cause you will never understand these things just like men will never understand a lot of things about women. Women tend to read romance novels. Is that cheating? Depends on what individuals think. It could be co soldered cheating cause the female is indulging in a book that more than likely she’s being turned on by. She’s wishing her man was like that. It’s a fantasy. But you could say it’s cheating if you wanted to. The same w women watching romance novels. A lot of times those romance novels or moves involve cheating as part of the plot. I will say though 2-3 times is not a lot though. At your age I’d be doing it about 5-6 times a week, sometimes multiple times a day even if it’s just a bj.
Does he do stuff w these drawings? These figurines? Like sell them? Like I don’t get why people are so into Pokémon or these anime cartoons, but they’re hobbies like you said.
As for not trying to get you off. Most men are shellfish, so even if you weren’t a him chances are another man would be the same. I think most men just don’t know how to get women off. Seems to take longer sometimes.

[Anonymous]

All I see here is that you’ve gaslit yourself for 2 years, tried rationalizing all this and making yourself okay with it for 2 years. Maybe it’s just time to make peace with the fact that you simply do not like, and are not comfortable with, the level of lust and infatuation he has with sexy anime girls. You aren’t wrong or criminal for that and plenty of women would agree. The thing is there’s nothing you can really do about this, he knows it’s a problem for you and doesn’t care to stop. So now you need to decide if the emotional rollercoaster you’re experiencing is worth the man or not.

[Asker]

Yes. I've narrowed it down to this difficult decision.. it's such a hard decision for me to make. I wanted to see if there was anything to help me cope or understand this behavior to make it easier on the "dealing with the emotional rollercoaster" part. As ideally I would love to stay with him. Thank you for this.

[Opinion Owner]

I hear you, I had to end a relationship after 5 years, so I totally get that the decision is HARD. But you deserve to be heard and respected. He has his boundaries in place and doesn’t care what you think or how you feel about them, he’s even said if you don’t like it you can leave. That’s a man who isn’t afraid to lose you and you deserve so much better than that. I know you would advise any friend or person you love if they were in this position to leave. You’d probably be like “what are you doing?”, you’d wonder why they’re wasting their time. You should have that same advocacy and care for yourself. Also, no problem at all. It’s good to gain perspective but don’t let anyone talk you into feeling insecure or wrong for not liking what he does.

[AI Opinion]

In the wild world of relationships, lovebirds often face the puzzling dance between individual interests and shared values. Your partner’s collection might feel like a big ol' red flag for you, and that's totally valid. Communication is like the sassy superhero cape in relationships, which you’ve already been rocking 🙌. It’s got to be a two-way street, though, with both of you sharing your insecurities and boundaries. You have every right to express how this makes you feel, but remember, he has the right to his interests too. It’s about finding that juicy middle ground where you both feel understood and valued. If he's drawing a hard line and it continues to hurt you, maybe it's time to reassess if this aligns with your long-term happiness. ❤️ Trust me, your happiness deserves to be front and center!

[Kaneki05]

You thinking Steller blade is sexist tells me all I need to know. Hot fictional characters are not sexist, and if you search for hot male characters guess what... you'll find plenty.
And I'm sure no girls ever like hot male characters right? And to even more shock I bet there is no girls who like playing as a hot girl character right? Nobody has ever cosplayed at all right?

[Staximus]

You are in a relationship and living with him. He did not move in with you. It's not your job, right, or privilege to try to change or control him. Your feelings don't make the rules in the game of life. Everybody does not behave how you want them to. Yes his behavior is immature, but you can also move out whenever you want (unless you are a bum). If this stuff bothered you so much, then why the hell did you move in with him in the first place?

[ChicoFromThe305]

I can understand where you are coming from but you should have a talk with him about what bothers you, are the characters fictional?

[Asker]

We've had multiple talks about this issue and it ended up me going through therapy for about 8 months to work on my self-esteem, losing weight to try to achieve those physiques, and seeking God as I was at a last resort. Yes they are mainly fictional, but in his art, he follows real and sexual models on twitter as reference & inspiration for this hobby.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Ever tried to cosplay yourself? Maybe since he's already sexually attracted to you, maybe it will bring more excitement to the relationship for all you know

[Asker]

I've offered that to him, but he knows that I come from a place of insecurity and not really the healthiest reasons. Then denies me. I will ask him about it again with an honest heart to attempt to mend our relationship.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Yes try that, if you actually want too then he will want it, there's no guilt in it, I'm sure there's a form of guilt which stops him from saying yes, it might also help with your insecurity because he will give you a lot of his attention which can make you feel attractive too and help fight off your low self esteem and doubt in appearance.

[Anonymous]

It's a personal choice of such men.