Do you think the majority of people settle with each other because of comfort as opposed to love?

[Anonymous]

I mean have you loved every past boyfriend or girlfriend?

Why do people settle?

What about if you have settled and the real thing comes along but you are already in a relationship?

[Finchie40]

We settle because we want to be loved, hoping our partner loves us the same , but unfortunately it doesn’t always pan out the way we want it to , so we break up and move on , and eventually meet someone else , hoping they will be better than the last. Some people are lucky and some aren’t , it’s just the way it goes. Love isn’t always Rainbows and Sunshine , True Love is standing by each others’ side no matter what obstacles you face together , someone that chooses you the same way you choose them. That’s where Love starts to grow between 2 people. But just because you love someone , it doesn’t mean they love you the same. You can love someone that isn’t with you anymore. So finding that someone that will stand by your side for the long haul is the best Love you can receive , someone that isn’t selfish , someone that climbs mountains to be by your side , that’s the someone you should fully give your heart to. Not someone that is just infatuated with you , that will have fun with you until they get bored and leave you for someone else. Sadly there are a lot of selfish people on this world , so finding true love these days is very hard to come by. Because most people think grass is greener on the other side , instead of just watering the grass they are already standing on with their current partner. The only way a relationship should end is if Physical and mental abuse is taking place ,
Or cheating , or severe addictions that are coming in between you both , otherwise you should stand by your partners’ side no matter what and fix what is broken between you both , if you want to experience true love , otherwise you will never experience true love if you are selfish , Selfish people do not know how to love because all they love is themselves and what they feel is best for themselves. They will keep continuing having failed relationships because all they care about is themselves, Love comes from giving and receiving to each other

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Let's try my story using a settle/real thing binary star system, I've seen the real thing, it ended. Then I settled and there's a solid chance I settled because the real thing hurts a lot when you loose it. So something more calm might have had an appeal to me for this reason. But then settling felt wrong, the real thing appeared again, and I left the scene after the real thing turned into the prospect of settling. I found the real thing again, it ended again it hurt again, I settled after, again.

Guess what?

Currently, it's my turn for the real thing again and it's true, it's happening, again.

Is this all a matter of cycle? Maybe I'm forever caught in a binary star system?

One thing's sure, now I'm settling for the real thing. High hopes 🌌

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Just don't tell my next girlfriend any of this, let's not have her suspecting me to settle 😂

[Asker]

Ok that’s interesting thanks for your perspective. So do you think you went for setting because it was easier and not as scary? And when your settled did it start to feel wrong after a while? When you saw the real thing second time, did it make you want to leave the settled relationship or were you keen to make it work? Did the real thing scare you? Did the settled relationship just end naturally or did you end it for the real thing?

I just wonder because I know a guy who was divorced recently after the real thing but then he’s now settled with a relationship because it is easier. He’s come across the real thing again, but is almost scared by it, so he’s trying to make the settled work. But if the real thing is there again, would you pass it up because having already committed to the settled, what do you reckon?

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Yes I suspect I was interested in settling for the wrong reasons. To get a kind of "pacifying" relationship? Easier, less powerful. More reasonable.

It started to quickly feel wrong but that part of my story is really too complicated for a quick shot at it. Second time with the real thing was devastating because I had to question my moral perspective and I didn't want to, I was forced to, so it was a really tough time for me. And yes, it was scary and brutal as hell. Because I settled on moral grounds only, ignoring that love isn't a duty, it's a chaotic thing, and I wasn't prepared to accept chaos within.

And if I had to do it again, I would, but it's unlikely I'm going to face this situation again because I learned working with my chaos instead of ignoring and burying it deep within

[Asker]

Thanks for this, as in you didn’t go with the love second time round because of morals
So you stuck to setting? But in hindsight you would have picked love? Why the change in hindsight?

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

It might be confusing now because I'm not naming anyone and not using numbers as well etc. lol

I have examined my moral choices back then, I was forced to by my mind. And I have decided, back then, as a conclusion of the hardest time in my life internally, that I was wrong to treat a relationship like a duty to accomplish. I've decided that because I saw that I was mistreating myself in the name of an idea. So I picked love, yes. Which set a wave I had to ride with a whole lot of life changing consequences. And I think I made the right choice at that time

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

In the meantime, I heard several testimonies with similarities to my story. The most curious one is the case of a woman and a man, they were both married with kids, they develop a friendship through a similar hobby. Then at some point they realized they both needed much more than friendship, they both realized they were missing something they found in each other. It took them some time to examine this extremely intricate situation. In the end they both atomized their respective marriages and they got together.

They're still together, 30 years later. But I can assure you that their exes aren't much happy about this decision. So, it's another story that tells me how much potential for chaos is within us, possibly every single one of us. And some of us might be truly massively unaware of what lies within.

[avery58]

Love isn't defined the same way for everyone. You can love someone simply because of the fact that you feel comfortable and stable with them. It doesn't have to be the more "passionate" kind of love, and it doesn't make it any lesser. On the contrary, I think many people would agree that sharing goals, feeling safe around someone, and having committment, trust, and stability is the realest form of love. Just to give you an idea, arranged marriages usually work out better than just "love" marriages, and feelings increase in them with time whereas they often decrease within love marriages. I'm sure some people do "settle" for what they don't prefer, but I don't think it's the majority.

Also, there's no way that a loyal person could fall in love with someone else while in a relationship, cause a loyal person wouldn't put themselves in the position to in the first place or when they start to catch feelings for someone else they would completely remove themselves from the situation/contact with the other person. The grass ain't always greener on the other side.

[DishLady]

It helps that there were only a couple, so yes, I can say i felt love and affection for them. I cared and was protective. But I can also say the same of my close friends.

People "settle" for the wrong person because (1) they don't know what it feels like to be with the right person OR (2) they WERE with the right person but that person passed on and they're trying to start over with someone new.

In the first case, you can't know what you don't know.

In the second case, you and the person you end up with are constantly dealing with a party of three -- bc the memory of the beloved one who passed on is most likely lingering in every attempt to have a romantic future with the new person.

[AI Opinion]

As your go-to love guru on Girls Ask Guys, I’m here to sprinkle some flirty wisdom! 😊 People sometimes choose comfort over the heady rush of love, often because change can be scarier than a horror movie marathon. Many people say settling can feel like cuddling up with your favorite blanket when it's safe and warm. Love, with all its dizzying highs, can sometimes feel like an emotional rollercoaster. If the "real thing" waltzes into the picture while you're cozy and settled, that's when you've got a rom-com plot twist on your hands! It's all about navigating those heartbeats with a dance of love and honesty. ❤️

[Summeroflove]

Happens ALL the time. The worst part? Sometimes someone’s not honest about it and the other partner thinks someone genuinely loves them. But really the marriage is financially motivated. That or someone just decided to marry to have kids before it’s too late so they can have a family.

These marriages rarely end well…

[Purpleronnie]

What if you found love but it was taken from you? and everything since seemed less in comparison? What then? … spend the rest of your life alone? … what if you don’t know if you have ever truly found love? What then? .. keep searching for what other people tell you what love is or is supposed to be? … There is nothing wrong with companionship, there is nothing wrong with spending a life with someone special to you even though you don’t truly believe it’s love or will ever be. What if you truly believe you’re so broken that you can’t even feel or won’t let yourself feel love again? . .. life isn’t black and white and neither is love

[blackgaletiger]

There is more to setting than love. Love is just a feeling but when setting you have to have more than that. Setting is when you found your match. Someone you can cover for and someone that can cover for you. Companionship and the idea of respect. Someone that understands your movement in life and you understand theirs. Its not all about comfort as the 2 you mentioned seems to die out later on in the relationship. People fall in love with others all the time and your always going to find new people attractive. There will be rough patches in a relationship and things are not going to be comfortable but its what that person means to you that keeps you connected to them. Its a balance of a lot of things that make people settle. I believe there isn't this concept of “the true one or true love or soul mates”.

[wheist9095]

I want to say yes and no, a lot of people get comfortable in a relationship or they get comfortable with a person, so they continue to go back to that person or their stay in the relationship because they view even the bad parts as better than being alone. But I don't know if I would call that settling, because everybody has things they like about their partners and things they don't like about their partners, and I wouldn't say it's settling if you find somebody who you genuinely enjoy being with but they have a few things that you dislike about them, like they're really into basketball and you couldn't care less. There's no such thing as a 100% perfect match between people, and if you do find somebody who is everything you want there is no guarantee that you are anything that they want

[Shiprex]

People want to be with someone who adds value to their life so settling in this context isn't quite appropriate. Being in a relationship IS settling down but when using the term settling like this, it sounds as though they "gave up" on something which is romanticised too much as "freedom". It's not it's singlehood which is a valid lifestyle too but diminishing relationships as settling is reductive and unfair to those who can be a couple and make each other their focus and priority rather than think only about what they can get from others.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Men will 100% settle for the comfort of the service of marriage rather than actually loving their partner. Women, not so much, which is why women initiate divorce much more than men.

[Asker]

Yeah that’s interesting, so men actually prefer comfort more? I would have thought they’d value love more or do you think it’s because they get scared or something?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

It’s a social thing that’s been sewn into our very patriarchal society. Men enter every romantic relationship with women with the expectation of being served and taken care of in some way. They often find this preferable to living alone without a wife or mother or someone to take care of them

[molonski2]

Virtually everyone does this , and In the past I certainly have too , now I'm old it really doesn't matter but there is no such thing as " the one " or " love " or any of this other bs..
It's all purely about acceptance , compromise , but honestly the most important aspect is financial , so the answer to your question. is certainly YES.

[Zylos]

Don't know the proportion. But I do get why people settle. Dating is hard. Maybe you wonder if you can do better or not. And if you have spent a long time with a person, maybe they feel safe, and you have developed a closeness that makes dating new people feel superficial and lonely.

[jshm2]

LOL, that's got to be the most daft and naïve thing I've heard all day, and I've been swapping jibes with fuckwits and maga dimwits to boot.

There is little comfortable or stable about "love" - it can be here today, but gone tomorrow. But comfort and stability are the real basis of any settled relationship.

[Joshydavid25]

There's nothing wrong with settling for love where you can find it.. People are too hellbent on "finding the best thing" when you connect with many people that you could develop a life long relationship with, but most times choose to ignore ultimately because of selfishness and self centeredness.. And then when too much time has passed they complain that they're single and that "nobody can meet their standards" as cope..

[BarryLiverstone]

I haven’t settled yet. What do you mean by settling?

[Asker]

Like when you get with someone you like but you’re not completely in love with. Like maybe they like you a lot but you are not as into it and maybe you know if someone else was to come along who really did it for you, you’d leave because you’d settled and wasn’t 💯 into it in the first place. Maybe out of compatibility or loneliness rather than love.

[BarryLiverstone]

That’s unfortunate. So what you are saying is rather than be single or feel loneliness, the person is dating or in a relationship with someone else but they really are not feeling attracted or wanting that person much. Seems like that’s not a person being real and authentic then. What if their partner finds out?

[Asker]

Yes exactly that, it happens and quite common apparently, but yes it’s about being real with yourself and that person

[BarryLiverstone]

I’d feel bad for someone who settled and then after a year or more they decided to break up because someone better came along. Plus wouldn’t the temptation to cheat be higher if they are not getting their needs met?

[Asker]

Yes exactly that.

[Anonymous]

If they do they don't stay together for very long. Rather I think that people eventually learn that who they probably started out desiring does not in reality make a very good partner.

So to answer your question. I don't think people settle. They grow up, they mature. And if they don't they probably live a unfulfilled tumultuous life.

[Nikki1989]

You only settle down with someone when you're sure they are the one. Meanwhile you play the field, date many, date often unless you are lucky enough to find gold on the first try.

[Anonymous]

I have developed serious feelings for one girl. I thought feelings like this were fictional before. I would never commit to someone unless they recreated those feelings.

[SotiCoto]

Why would anyone do that? Ever? That is just stupid.

I mean I don't regard love as important at all... but that doesn't mean I'd just get together with someone just because.

[Brittanyrunner06]

I don’t think it’s most people, but it seems like it’s a lot.

[LiamJHayden]

I consider love as the choice to put another first rather than the feelings that most people think of as "love" so settling does not really come into play in my mind.

[Iron_Man]

Because they are in love and you know how hard it is to find another person that you’re in love with again what you call settling they don’t think that way

[McSteamy]

You settle for various reasons. Some time for emotional dependency.. some time for financial stability.

[soe11]

• Because commonality in chemistry.

[Anonymous]

Majority of people - probably. But not me.

[beefcakebradybatson]

Yep.