When do you think not forgiving someone is okay?

Question

Some people believe you should always forgive someone, but do you believe that's really true (in your opinion)? When do you feel not forgiving someone is okay in a relationship, friendship, or with family? Can you really be okay for the rest of your life if you've chosen not to forgive someone and just move on?

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

Many people confuse the concepts of forgiving and forgetting (or pseudo-forgetting.)

Forgiveness means that we let go of our hurt, our anger, and all of the other unpleasant feelings that can consume us when we are disappointed in our relationships with others. Forgiveness is something that we do for ourselves - and not for the benefit of anyone else - because feelings such as anger can consume us like a cancer grows until it kills us. Letting go of the anger doesn't mean that we are letting anyone else "off the hook" and forgiveness doesn't mean that we are going to pretend that our disappointment never happened.

True forgetting is something that, in my opinion, does not exist. I was cheated on when I was 25 years old and another partner cheated on me when I was 52 years old. I am now 70 years old and, if I live to be 170 years old, I will still remember those experiences. There is no switch in my brain that I can toggle to turn off the memories. Remembering doesn't mean that I relive all of the feelings that I experienced initially, but if I encountered Evelyn or Pat, I would never, not under any circumstances pursue a revival of those relationships. They were bad women and I will not forget what they did.

Some people think that they are supposed to pretend that such things never happened but. . . if you do that, aren't you just setting yourself up to repeat the same mistakes?

qwerty2469 · Accepted Answer

Never. My mother was a horrific drunk. A sweet lady when she wasn't drunk. But as I got older the times she wasn't drunk were almost never. I stopped visiting her after my 13th birthday. We still talked on the phone. She was pressuring me to visit her and talk to her. She went crazy when I was in my early 20's and ran away to Florida. My best frien, who lived with her and my Twin brother for a year or 2 returned from the war in Iraq and wanted to see her. I told him she ran away and nobody knows where she is. He used his connections and found her. We drove 18 hours straight to visit me, my buddy, my new wife, amd my 1.5 year old daughter. To meet my mom for the first time. She was drunk the whole time. Threw an empty wine bottle at me and walked arounf the house naked. I vowed to never let my Daughter know the troubles she caused in me. Didn't talk to her for 8 years. Then out of no where. We had Thanksgiving together. She was sober. Nothing went wrong. We went home and 3 weeks later she was dead.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

I can understand how someone could initially not be in the headspace to forgive someone who's deeply harmed, abused them.

But, I think people who do serious emotional and physical harm to other humans are truly not right in their hearts and minds, and were, more than likely, deeply harmed by others themselves.

This isn't an excuse for them perpetrating more harm, but I believe it's a reality in a minority of cases. Damaged humans often pass along damage.

In general, the human psyche is resilient. But in these few cases, people don't recover.

Those who don't recover end up living diminished lives, with few true, good relationships and happiness.

You have to feel sorry for such people and forgive them after you get over the fact that they tried to snuff some part of you out. But your life force won't let them. So forgiving them the fact that they're operating in a dark place they'll never exit should, eventually, be the rational, compassionate choice.

It also lifts a weight off your shoulders and clears the way for more happiness in your own life.

FreyaRed · Accepted Answer

Hatred and grudge are emotions which create power for motivation. Only when you hate someone so hefty thinking about their cruel death gives you a joyful blood rage, you can love another person with same just positive passion.
Never forgive never forget, be on the bed of your dying enemy to say them the moment they die, you will enjoy their last moments.

Forgiving is like the void, grudge is full of opportunities to take revenge and opportunity to backstab someone without any moral doubt to do something wrong.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Great question, love! My aim on this platform is to guide you through the complex world of relationships. Now, forgiveness is a personal journey, not a one-size-fits-all. Sometimes not forgiving is totally okay, especially if someone broke your trust or disrespected your boundaries. Remember, it's not about holding a grudge but protecting your peace! As long as you don't let resentment eat at you, you can absolutely move forward with a lighter heart! 💖 Just ensure it's not a red flag in your personal growth!

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

Never. Holding a grudge really is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. You can forgive someone their worst possible deed, but refuse to let yourself be victimized by them or people like them. Forgiveness is releasing your own burdens, not theirs.

TrueConfection · Answer

There is only one unforgivable sin in the Bible which is against the Holy Spirit.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Answer

That depends on what people think forgiveness is. For some, forgiveness is just letting things go to exactly the way they were before and they think someone unwilling to do that hasn’t forgiven them. For others, forgiveness looks like going no-contact with someone to keep them out of your life because they hurt you that badly, even though you know it wasn’t their fault/intent but you know that keeping them in your life will just continue to hurt. Sometimes forgiveness is just choosing to keep your distance, you keep things civil but no deeper than surface level.
The truth is forgiveness can feel like a punishment as much as a rectification depending on which end you’re at.

Zack-Bann · Answer

Always

I don’t see why we HAVE to forgive

So we get to be wronged and they get to get away with it?

I don’t live my life holding grudges but the people who wronged me are still listed in my mind and if I ever get an opportunity to pay them back in kind I will relish it

That doesn’t mean i’ll go out of my way to enact some revenge fantasy
My own life continues as normal

But I will never be gaslit into forgiving something that cannot be undone or made right

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

Forgiving doesn't mean you have to accept what they've done. For instance, I forgive my Mom for being a wacky hooked on facebook fire starter that has paranoid delusions... but that doesn't mean I have to talk to her or friend her on facebook. I might of forgiven her, but I'm not going to forget she's just going to start shit eventually or start hounding me with bullshit just like before if I include her in my time. I owe her shit. Forgiven but her behavior is not forgotten.

Speaking_Frankly · Answer

It depends on how you define forgiveness. If you cut ties with someone who has betrayed you and you move on without a thought spared for them so no further resentment builds or better yet, it fades away, I'd say it's okay.

It becomes a serious problem when that person is still in your life but you avoid them, remind them of what they did or you otherwise bear a grudge, you will do yourself more harm in the long run.

AvaRay · Answer

Forgiveness can't n shouldn't be forced upon everyone tho..

Not everyone is capable of forgiving, that's true cause it requires a truly big heart for that..

At the same time, the forgiveness we offer isn’t given lightly, it carries value n meaning..

It should never be extended to someone without real change, cause true forgiveness honors both the pain endured and the growth we expect to see in the other person.. 🦋🍂

RandomGirl42 · Answer

I'm really conflicted on this one. I googled the definition of forgive: "stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake." I always get mad when I see the ongoing injustices and bullying in the world , so, by that definition I am not forgiving. But I don't go around mad all the time either. That helps no one and hurts me. I guess I find an acceptance without forgiving? So, I guess it's okay to not forgive when you feel like it. 🤷‍♀️

itsannalee · Answer

You should always forgive it someone for your good, nit for their good. Forgiving someone  isn’t  about saying what they did  was okay , it’s about releasing yourself from the weight of holding onto anger, resentment, or pain. So, forgiveness is  important  for  your good and mental health.

DollAlone · Answer

When they did something on purpose or intentionally that really hurt you deep and it could easily have been avoided, say, cheating. Why should someone who disrespected you so badly be forgiven? Especially to ruin everything for a 5 minute orgasm? Seems like a reasonable time to not forgive someone and move on.

Purpleronnie · Answer

For me , never because forgiveness is for me , allowing me to move on and how that happens not for whom I would be forgiving.

Holding on to emotional pain or hurt or perhaps even anger or at least frustration regarding how you have been wronged it’s not mentally or physiologically healthy and there is nothing to gain from it … so why do it?

Fireguy17 · Answer

I still hold somewhat of a grudge against my ex wife.

I caught her doing the landlord, left and never looked back.

We are friends, wish each other happy birthday, merry Christmas etc.

But to this day she has never apologized for doing that.

So I guess I forgave her, maybe a bit, but an apology would go a long way, and that was a long time ago.

Joshydavid25 · Answer

Forgiving someone is more for you than them.. It means you've worked to let go and have no ill will towards the person who did you wrong, and therefore won't ruin your having terrible thoughts and feelings toward them.. So it's never okay, just more understandable that it will be extremely difficult to do in a lot of cases..

Zhangyuxin · Answer

When it's okay not to forgive someone depends on the specific situation and your personal choices. It's important to listen to your heart and make the decision that's best for you.
It's important to note that not forgiving someone doesn't mean you need to hold a grudge. You can choose not to forgive someone's behavior, but you also need to work on letting go of past hurts and moving on.

MannMitAntworten · Answer

It is okay for you not to forgive on anything if it isn’t in you to forgive whatever. I mean, you can just as easily say you do and not mean it which is provably how things play out for most people. I have faith that people who fuck ya over, even if apologetic and ‘promise’ to not do whatever it is again … they will do it again. That is how strong my faith in human nature is. Knowing they ‘will’ do it again. Fuck’em.

lilyanony1 · Answer

Umm I think forgiveness actually sets me free. But I won't forget. I mean do I always have to tell them I've forgiven them, no.  That's a choice and one I'm not obligated to.

andreasderjuengere · Answer

Funny - I was asked a similar question at work today.

My reply was: '' I have forgiven her already because I am Christian. But this does not mean that I will forget. Jesus did not ask us to be stupid''

SeekerOfTruth007 · Answer

Forgiveness is a lie perpetrated by Jesus of Nazareth. If you actually read the Psalms, David often prayed for God to "kill" his enemies, and evidently, God answered David.

Abbycado · Answer

Yeah, if it crosses a certain line to you (or anyone) then it is okay to not forgive. Some things you just can't and that depends on the person.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Forgiveness is the grace you grant yourself, not the transgressor. When your ready to let go you just let go.

McLlovin · Answer

Unless you’re comfortable with being a slave to someone else emotionally, its never ok. Forgiveness is for you not them. Free yourself and be free.

Unycorn · Answer

Stay yourself. If you can't then you can't. If you can then you can. Very easy. Depends on you! Not other people's meaning.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Only in extreme circumstances like rape, murder, et cetera.

DJB72 · Answer

You don't forgive someone for their sake. You do it because carrying that amount of judgement in your heart is soul destroying.

MemeSupreme · Answer

you dont have to forgive people period and its not like its something you can just FORCE

MJVillarama · Answer

When they keep hurting you or don’t take responsibility , protecting your peace comes first.

exitseven · Answer

Yes, when somebody is dead to me, that is pretty much the end of it.

Anonymous · Answer

It's always noble thing to forgive.  But I guess is someone cheated on you multiple times, then it's really too much.

janemarie15 · Answer

Depends to the reason I guess? If someone did to me is very unforgettable. I think they don't deserve to forgive. :)

Guanfei · Answer

Whenever you want, and you're in the right. No one can force you to forgive, if you're not fine with it.

Anonymous · Answer

It depends on the situation and the other person.

Staximus · Answer

There's certain things that you can't forgive people for

Anonymous · Answer

I always try to forgive, but sometimes it takes a while

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Never. If someone is seriously asks for forgiveness then you should forgive them.

Anonymous · Answer

Forgiving in my experience is something you feel I can say I forgive you but unless I feel it, I didn't really forgive them. I mean I might still hate them. I can keep trying I suppose.

Jessica850808 · Answer

当有人反复伤害你并且从不悔改时，不原谅他们是一种自我保护。 宽恕不是软弱；这是一种选择——但这并不意味着你必须将它们留在你的生活中。

Jmmmfi4 · Answer

I don't forgive my dad for abusing me my entire life

Agape93 · Answer

Anytime you don't want to forgive them.

dwreborn · Answer

Cheating depending on situation

slatyb · Answer

When you aren't feeling it.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

Cheating or being hurt badly by someone

JamesRandiDebates · Answer

Forgiveness is overrated.

Colin234234 · Answer

When they do something unforgivable.

Slim57 · Answer

When they prove they're worth forgiving

When do you think not forgiving someone is okay?

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When do you think not forgiving someone is okay?

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