I got a direct family member I need to do this with. It’s a long story but I put up a firm boundary with her years ago. I don’t talk to her unless it’s only necessary or when we meet up at family events. It’s all surface and small talk too.
I straight up told her I wanted to have a one on one discussion about what I’m upset about. You can’t undo past actions but you can reconcile them. She seemingly agreed at first but then blew it off saying she was “too busy”. In reality she is terrified about what I might say to her because deep down she knows it’s true. She’s not used to being called out and being in the wrong. So she rather ignore it and hope it goes away.
I have no regrets about drawing the line. It was very difficult and painful but it had to be done. But this can’t keep on indefinitely. It’s been 7 years now. As extremely difficult as it is I need to forgive her. But it really would make me feel a lot better if she owned up to her crap but she won’t.
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Forgiveness seems to me to be more about one's own peace of mind than about its effect on the "wrong doer".
I've struggled mightily with the concept of forgiveness over the years.
It's only through constant reminders to myself that forgiveness is beneficial to myself that it eventually comes to me.
It's usually not easy, but it is worthwhile.
I don't know of any infallible recipes for forgiveness.
Something that I recently thought of that has helped me in forgiveness is by putting myself in the place of the "wrong doer". Would I want to be forgiven if I were to become aware of my actions or words having a negative effect on someone else? Of course I would. Unless the "wrong doer" is truly evil, I must consider that their motivations for their behaviors may be invisible to me.
That doesn't negate the need to attempt to resolve unacceptable situations to the extent that I can, but in the meantime, retaining my sanity is paramount.
I've cut direct family members out of my life due to their ongoing inconsideration. I've forgiven them, but I'm not fool enough to continue to allow myself to be subjected to their abuse.
I wish you the best.
The problem is this is not someone I can (or will) ever cut direct ties with. It’s my mother. And my decision to create a boundary was well thought out and a long time coming.
But still I have to see her for family events. It’s a awkward pain in the ass. I also had my dad over the years try to scold and shame me for me not talking to her anymore. But deep down he knows why I am angry too but he won’t confront her on because my mother intransigent and has been that way her entire life.
But this superficial relationship has just been slow torture. She showed me family pictures of her when she was younger last week (she never does that) when I visited for her bday. There was subtle “guilt” trip she was trying to do to me.
I've had to put up with getting along with some people until such time that I could finally break from them.
Everyone does.
I'm 64 years old.
My older sister and brother have been pains in my ass all my life.
They're not bad people, but them being a pain in my ass on frequent occasions, yes.
Over the years I just tried to stay away from them as much as I could.
My two younger sisters are cool.
My mother passed earlier this year.
My dad passed many years ago.
I no longer have any reason nor need to associate with my older siblings.
It took 64 years for my opportunity to cut ties with them.
That’s sad to hear that. Really sad.
The truth is the older I get and understand the parents the more respect I have for my father and the less respect I have for my mom. She was born a beautiful woman and that gave her tons of power and privilege she always took for granted. She thinks she is entitled to that privilege when in reality she won the genetic lottery. Even if she was just a semi attractive women she wouldn’t have gotten away with half of what’s she done. I probably wouldn’t have existed.
My dad worked his ass off to please her and she was never pleased. Instead she abused him including some incidents that she would have him in jail for if it happened vice versa. Yet she has the f*cking nerve to play victim still. I HATED her for that. Also hated her being such a horrible female role model for how women should treat men growing up. She brainwashed me to kiss women’s asses. I’ve improved on that over the years but it’s not an easy thing to snap out of.
Anyway I just had to dump that out.
It sounds like you've made a lot of progress in setting boundaries, but you still have a lot of resentment and anger towards this family member. It's important to find a way to let go of those emotions in order to move on and forgive her. It can be difficult when someone refuses to hold themselves accountable for their actions and admit their wrongdoing, but forgiving doesn't mean tolerating or accepting the behavior. You can find healing and move on with your life even if she isn't willing to change her behaviors or apologize. It's about finding peace within yourself and not letting the past define your present or future.
The problem is I have to keep seeing this person at family events.
I’ve actually figured out a lot about her crap over the years. It be one thing if she owned up to it but she thinks admitting fault means admitting defeat. Her ego just can’t handle it because she is used to getting her way her entire life. This is the first time anyone ever did this to her.
I need to forgive but I don’t know how. By far the damaging person I’ve had in my life.