Any advice on how to deal with an honest man?

[Anonymous]

My 7 year old son called my husband dad the other day. My husband corrected him and told him that he could call him Frank. He told him you do have a father. Unfortunately, he doesn’t want anything to do with you and I am the closest thing to a real dad that you can ever have unless your real dad changes his mind. In the meantime, using pretend names is not a productive solution. My son literally had tears in his eyes. He wanted so bad to have someone he could call dad.

My husband also refused to speak to my brother. Finally, at a family gathering my brother asked him if he had a problem with him. My husband blurted out that he can not overlook how my brother sexually abused me as a child. I told my husband that in private confidence. It happened when we were both young kids, he was 11 and I was 8. I forgave my brother years ago when I confronted him and we agreed to keep it a secret. My husband said this in front of my brother’s wife and kids and it has blown our entire family up. My brother was so ashamed he eventually committed suicide and left a widow and two children behind without a father.

My mother passed away a couple years ago. One day I made a comment on how my mother is looking down at her family from heaven. He said that she most likely is not because God probably does not exist. The only thing we do know is that she is rotting in the ground and the stench must be disgusting.

I could give many more examples of my husband’s brutal honesty, except I hope that the three I chose demonstrate the pattern of his massively destructive behavior.

Whenever I confront my husband, he says that honesty is the best policy and that people shouldn’t ask questions that they do not want to know the answer to. He is a good man in most every way, except his brutal honesty is destroying my life. How can I divorce a man when he hasn’t actually done anything wrong?

[Summeroflove]

Well. At least he’s honest. At least if he says something nice that you know it’s true. He sounds like a good man. It’s just the way he is. You can’t change someone. But you can be honest as well about how you feel


I do agree and I say it a LOT to people here on GAG they shouldn’t ask questions they don’t want the answer to. Because many times they don’t. They either want people to tell them what they want to hear or bait a argument or both.



But that’s irrelevant to this sorry getting off topic.


As far as your son goes. Technically he is a step dad and so technically it’s correct.


Maybe speak to him about it. I am guessing he loves your son and is good to him.


Saying God doesn’t exist. If you believe in God you’re not equally yoked. But you’re already married so. If he wants honesty he will appreciate you being honest about your own feelings and thoughts

[CA4444]

That’s the problem I think, who cares about being technically correct, her son wanted a dad, and you could argue that someone can have all the attributes of a dad without being blood-related. So was he even technically correct saying that? By being so logical and sticking to the ‘truth’ he denied this son-father relationship (which is probably real), probably to everyone’s detriment. Men sometimes are crazy with their logical thinking, their thinking and therefore actions become so cold and machine-like… I imagine it would be good in war time or other circumstances but with your relatives not so much…

[Summeroflove]

@CA4444 I guess it just bothers him. I don’t know

[Fuentes]

That's a lot of family turmoil but I mean you really can't expect anyone from the outside looking in yo hold there tounge, if what your brother went unchecked, what's to say he didn't or was planning on doing that to his own kids. I'm sorry y'all even had to deal with that.

But I think your husband would do what any man would have done, told your son the truth & let your brother know what's up when he asked. Your family seems very dysfunctional so you have to remember when dealing with others the family drama you experiance will never be seen as normal to others and just cause you guys are married does not mean, he will align with your world that you grew up in. He will just be outspoken.

[CA4444]

Oh maan… I started feeling so bad after the first paragraph and it got worse… anyway, it is great to value the truth and to be truthful however we should remember that in a given situation it’s not necessarily about you telling the truth, the truth is was it is, but the situation may call a different answer, be on an emotional level, support, advice, help, and love is not necessarily tough love (even if it can be necessary in some instances)… basically it’s not always about telling the truth and he should let more space to his emotions and finding compromises… also why would he be the one knowing the holly truth, everything is about perceptions… Well maybe be bluntly honest with him, he may understand…

[Cynicaldreamer]

Not to be a smartass, but don't people usually want their spouses to be honest? That's exactly what he's doing: being honest and upfront with you about how he feels. Good for him!

Now I will admit, there's being honest and being blunt. Most people cannot handle the latter because it can be a bit... abrasive, especially if you're not used to it. I tend to be blunt as well, probably why people don't always like what I say.

You don't want your husband to lie or not be open with you, yet you don't want him to be too blunt either. Just tell him to word things a bit differently. Basically, "Think before he speaks." Because even though what he's saying is true, it might offend or upset others.

[dustybiker]

That is an awful lot to take in.

I couldn’t recommend more that the two of you talk to a professional. If only just once. GaG isn’t the place to find the help and information you really need.

I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through.

[Curmudgeon]

Hmmm. He has no filter obviously, but it is clear he cares about you, hence telling your abusive brother off.

I suppose you could counter his brutal honesty with *even more* brutal honesty. For example, when he says his stepson should not call him "Dad", you should angrily reply, "AS FAR AS HE IS CONCERNED YOU *ARE* HIS DAD, AND AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED YOU ARE TOO, DAMN IT!"

[Sasha0426]

I’m glad your brother got ratted out because you know damn well he would’ve done the same to his own kids. And you’re ok with that? You’re fucking disgusting! And you have a kid of your own. What if the same happened to him? You’re a bad mother and a bad wife. You can’t handle the truth either. Go ahead and divorce your husband. He deserves a lot better than you!

[es20490446e]

That her brother is better dead, I have to digress with.

[Yesdarlingmoon]

He values his opinion more than yours, he uses the excuse of 'honesty is the best policy' to be a dick. It seems all he is good for right now is caring about his emotions more than anyone's, you can do better girl.

[Ill_made_Knight]

You can divorce him for not being able to, or refusing to show discretion and compassion. Destroying people with your words IS wrong... That's not loving.

[Sparkie460]

His brutal honesty kills. I don't think I'd be able to live with someone like that. He is being honest but in a nasty way. Does he even have a heart or is an ice cube buried in his chest.

[Guy13]

See psychological professional for advice on this one

[es20490446e]

If he's a narcissist, it won't work. Because being a narcissist works for them.

Don't you see it? Even when he's being a beach, he is still with her, and her is making excuses for him.

So him doesn't really see a reason to change. He feels empowered by destroying kids morale, and making family members to commit suicide.

He won't change. The real route is seeing him as nasty as he is, and quitting the relationship. Easier to say than to do, but it is most likely that way.

[Guy13]

@es20490446e Makes sense to me but I don't feel qualified to say it sometimes. "Out my pay grade" kind of thing...

[es20490446e]

I personally only want nice people in my life. I don't need anyone to tell me why I shall keep a narcissist, no matter if they are qualified or not. Because anything different than dumping them is wrong in my book.

[Guy13]

@es20490446e Gotcha and don't disagree and if one is incapable of gray stoning then it will be an impossible wall to climb.

[es20490446e]

People like your husband and you I remove from my social circle.

You are enabling his behavior, just because of staying with him.

[Surely]

So sad!!! Your husband could be a lot more tactful and still get his point across. Even if he does it in private.
Good luck!

[Tracker1958]

Keep that separation between the two. Dating a single mother is a terrible idea unless she is a widow.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like a douchebag.

good luck having that relationship.

[In_Trance]

Treat him how you'd want to be treated