Is my partner hiding something?

[Anonymous]

I'm in an open relationship with a guy. What we determined in terms of rules is basically not talking about it too much and letting the other person know when we have a date. Recently, this guy let the name of one of his affairs slip during a conversation. I remembered it and looked it up - I couldn't be sure if it were the right person, but I couldn’t contain myself. A couple of weeks ago, we were out when I saw the girl - and so did he. His face contorted a bit at the sight of her, and he made some weird gestures, which was my confirmation that she was the right girl. After that, I wanted to test him - because I wanted to see if he would tell me anything if I gave him the right bait - so I just said the girl’s name, since she has the same name as a close friend of mine. Immediately, he went: “Oh, who's Jane Doe? I know nothing about any Jane Doe. There’s no Jane Doe in my mind now.” I know, it sounds like a caricature - what a cheating boyfriend would do in a TV show, for Christ’s sake - but that’s exactly what he did.

After that, I tried to bring the situation up twice, allowing him to be honest about it, but he acted like I was being overdramatic and creating something out of nothing. Because, yes, of course I would be in his head, given that he believes I wasn't aware of what went down. Since then, he has been closed off and distant. Do you guys think he didn’t want to tell me who the person was back then because he was planning to break up with me to be with her?

[Screenwriter]

It would seem to me that the rule was you didn't tell each other who you were with when not with each other and you are baiting him trying to get this information out. The fact that you're doing this means you want him to break the rules you agreed to.

If he breaks up with you, it might be because you aren't keeping to your agreement with him about how you are to handle your open relationship. The exact same thing could happen with you seeing one of your paramours when out with your SO. Are you going to blurt out that that's Bob, I had a date with him last week. He's nice.

You didn't agree to that. And I'm sure he KNOWS you're trying to wheedle out this information and won't do it. Why do this? For sport?

[Asker]

My issue is that he was already breaking our agreements - talking about other girls to me and not being present when we were together. I understand why some people might think I’m in the wrong because I agreed to an open relationship, but that’s not the point. I never agreed to his bragging about other women to my face. And then acting like it didn’t happen? The least he could do is stop hiding things from me - but he definitely won’t. And no, it's not some sadistic game to me, I feel weird about his omission - like, why would he do it? And I felt hurt by the way he was talking about her; it made me feel invisible.

[Screenwriter]

Then, it sounds like this arrangement has never worked, doesn't it? Is it benefitting you? Doesn't sound like that's the case either. Sounds like he wanta someone to come home to while he fools around when he wants to and tells you about it!

This is all sorts of wrong. You need to reconsider this "arrangement" and this relationship. It seems to be not working on several levels. Good luck with all of that.

[MrChinaski]

I'm pretty open-minded about open relationships. Whatever suits the couple is fine with me. But, my experience is that the more complex the arrangements, the higher the premium on absolute openness, honesty and trust. If he is lying to you then that is a very strong sign that your current relationship arrangements are not working.

If you want:

- Try https://polyamory.com/forums/ There are a lot of people on there that are genuinely wrestling with finding their way through to the place they want to be. Just ignore the mods, which play roughly the same role as the AI bots here (except for Kevin, who is great).

- More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux... available at all good book stores... do book stores still exist?

[MrChinaski]

Oh... and have a thick skin... you will get plenty of haters on here...

Good luck!!

[RavVid]

I think open relationships are difficult cause whilst you can be equal with sex you can't be equal with how you feel about multiple people.

A muslim guy told me whilst he could have 4 wives the Koran required him to treat them equally. He could give them equal sex, He could give them equal monetary support. Maybe he could be equally affectionate.

But he couldn't feel about them equally.

So I think you are right.

[Asker]

Thank you. And yeah… that’s exactly the issue. Especially when you’re dealing with a greedy fuck - talking about my partner - who wants to be with everybody. There’s no way he can actually manage all the girls he goes out with, so since I’m the “main one,” I end up being downplayed or pushed aside for the sake of the others. He’ll cancel on me, not invite me out sometimes, and when I invite him, he almost always already has plans with someone else.

[RavVid]

Exactly - somewhat to be a 2nd or third or fifth string. Are you in this open relationship to please him, and sort of to keep him?

I could see this having pysch impact on you if so. It is akin to be asking to be punched.

[Asker]

Yes. When things became clear to me - when he told me he was NM and that he wasn’t willing to have anything that would hierarchize his relationships - I realized that if I wanted anything with him, I would have to rearrange my expectations. At first, I didn’t think much of it; I was just trying things out, testing how it would feel. I also wasn’t as attached back then, so I didn’t mind that our relationship wasn’t what I would normally expect — it just wasn’t that serious yet. So yeah, I'm doing it to have him, but now I finally realize that's a bad idea.

[RavVid]

Early in your age bracket both boys and girls can be excited over the boy & girl stuff and move around freely but later in your age bracket start to want to build.

I don't know equal you are in the polyamory and I guess open relationships are an attempt to get both sides of the above. But you aren't actually getting the build side.

It is very positive that you are able to adjust your expectations. If you decide to go conventional it would seem you you would give a monogamous partner what he needs and be valued.

I think you should act act on your realization it was a bad idea and stop being asked to be punched in the face honestly.

[Noredcarpet]

This is why you should not be in an open relationship. He sound stupid, even for a cheater. Who cares what his intentions are? Your intention should be to not care and walk out. Sorry if I come off in a harsh way but honestly you don't think you could do better?

[Asker]

Probably? But I’m just scared to break things off with him. I really like him, and it’s going to hurt. This is basically my first major breakup, so I don’t really have strategies for dealing with it. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for months. Around five months into the relationship, I started noticing signs, such as our differing understanding of what an open relationship entails. And after realizing he’s kind of a slut, it all became clearer. Now I’m too invested, but I’m in therapy trying to learn healthy coping mechanisms.

[Noredcarpet]

I see.. as much as I don't want you to be insecure and hurt more, any longer, maybe this is what it takes combined with therapy to get you to the point were you do walk out. in my opinion he should be the one doing therapy. There are some out there who truly fear a break up because they have a socalled abondenment issue, which I think my partner have, but once you get over that you will feel so much better. You have outgrown him and see him now in a different light. He may have suited your yesterday you but now you are breaking out of your old skin and this is good, painful yes, but it needs to happen for your rebirth

[AI Opinion]

Oh, sounds like drama central! 🚨 First of all, as a relationship coach who loves to spice things up, I'd say trust your intuition here. His shifty behavior and denial scream red flag city. In open relationships, trust and honesty are key. The fact that he's acting distant and closed-off might indicate he's contemplating his next move, whether that’s breaking things off or wanting to avoid confrontation. Keep communication open, create a safe space, and see if he comes around. Sending lots of good vibes your way while you figure this out! 💖

[Finchie40]

The fact that you are in an open relationship and accepting an open relationship, pretty
Much means most of your relationship is based off of lies , why open relationships aren’t a wise thing to do , if you actually want trust and honesty , If trust and honesty isn’t important to you , then that’s what happens when you are in an open relationship, Open relationships are meant for 2 selfish people that want their cake and to eat it to

[DishLady]

Is he cheating if you're in an "open relationship"?

"O. R." is horse **** by the way; you're either IN a relationship or not; you're either TOGETHER or your NOT.

And playing manipulative games with him now just shows that you're childish and vindictive. It also encourages him to pursue other women.

Most likely he was dropping a name to see what you'd do. Now he knows.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

He’s not hiding the girl, he’s hiding the truth of what she means to him.

People don’t deny something that casually.

They deny something they feel guilty about.

The overreaction, the weird gestures, the sudden defensiveness that isn’t ‘nothing.’

In an open relationship, honesty is the only anchor.

Once transparency disappears, the dynamic becomes identical to cheating just with different labels.

It’s possible he isn’t planning to leave you for her.

But he is protecting a connection he doesn’t want you to look too closely at.

And that alone tells you everything about where his head is.

If he can’t talk openly about the people he sees, then the relationship isn’t open, it’s just unbalanced.

[Asker]

Yeah, I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. The issue isn’t the girl herself — it’s the way he reacted when A name, who happens to be hers, or her presence comes up. You don’t deny something that casually unless there’s something underneath it. The weird comments, the sudden shift in tone… that’s exactly what made me feel like something was off. And you’re right: honesty is the foundation of any open relationship. If he can’t be transparent about the people he sees, then it stops being “open” and becomes something else entirely. What bothers me is that he’s protecting that connection in a way that shuts me out, and that says a lot about the imbalance between us. At this point, I’m not even trying to decode his intentions anymore. The dynamic feels unbalanced, and I’m not interested in carrying a relationship that only works because I keep lowering my boundaries.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

Exactly, it’s not about the girl, it’s about the behavior around her.

When someone becomes secretive or reactive, it shifts the entire dynamic.

You’re not wrong for noticing the imbalance.

And you’re not responsible for carrying a relationship that stops feeling safe or honest.

At some point it’s not about decoding him anymore, it’s about protecting your own clarity and peace.

[Anonymous]

I personally don’t like open relationships because to be honest they end in heart break and it’s all for their own personal sexual desires nothing about it is right to me. I’m open minded about it but it hurts because I would want all the love they have for someone in that way to myself and I guess you could call it selfish but to me it’s just not right to be committed to someone yet having affairs with others is definitely just a sex driven act which means the relationship you have with him isn’t healthy in my opinion. I would leave but that’s just me if someone can’t commit themselves to just one person then they shouldn’t be in a relationship because honestly it causes so much mental damage and trauma in the end. Maybe that’s just my experience but I would say just leave because it’s not healthy for yourself if you are jealous but allowing him to have sexual relations with others and looking into a partner he has brought up.

[MisterPandemonium]

I guess I don't understand your question.

You and your boyfriend are in an open relationship. Your boyfriend is acting like he's in an open relationship. He seems to be trying to respect the boundaries you two have agreed upon.

Where's the problem?

This open relationship seems to be causing you a lot of stress. Maybe open relationships aren't for you.

[Asker]

I mean, yeah. Maybe it isn’t. But it’s not like he’s been fulfilling his part of the agreement either. Talking about other girls to me and not being present when we’re together isn’t "acting like he’s in an open relationship’' - it’s being emotionally irresponsible with me.

[Asker]

Plus, NOT TALKING ABOUT IT TOO MUCH is one of the agreements!

[MisterPandemonium]

But he DOES seem to be making an effort to not talk about it. You seem to be the one who's going out of your way to find out about this other girl he's seeing.

You're the one who, in your own words, "tried to bring the situation up twice."

I don't want to criticize you. I think the jealousy you're feeling is very natural. But you may have bitten off more than you can chew with this "open relationship" thing, and it seems to be eating away at you.

Maybe you should either break up with your boyfriend, or tell him you want a "closed" relationship, not an open one.

[Asker]

Uh, I appreciate your advice and the kindness of your approach. Maybe you’re right - this really isn’t for me. But I don’t think I’m the one to blame for “bringing the situation up.” He was the one who mentioned his affair more than once. I was trying to get him to be honest and tell me everything - he was acting weird, and I felt insulted by his demeanor; plus, he also started it, he was already talking about his affair. Why would he say something like “there’s no [girl’s name] in my mind right now” while I’m literally standing in front of him? Maybe I’m exaggerating, but that’s the kind of thing someone says when they want to imply a topic they don’t want to address, but also don’t want it to go unnoticed. And of course I noticed - and it hurt. I interpreted it as: “yes, I’m thinking about this girl right now, but I can’t talk about it.” It sucks.
You’re right. I need to end things.

[MisterPandemonium]

Why did you and your boyfriend decide to have an open relationship in the first place? Was it your decision or his?

[Asker]

It was his. To be honest, when we started going out, I wasn’t seeing anyone and assumed he wasn’t either — he gave me hints that this was the case, and I even remember him telling me once that I was “the only person he was seeing at the moment.” But I guess things change. So when we were already well into our relationship, he told me he was non-monogamous and that he wasn’t going to have anything other than that. I suppose I should’ve walked away then, but I didn’t know how things would develop — and I was already in love. Then he started telling me about it. I remember the first time: that gut-wrenching feeling of hearing it and knowing I couldn’t say a thing about it... but talking here has helped! Maybe it’s finally time to let it go

[MisterPandemonium]

Do you feel like he deliberately misled you? Or do you think he just doesn't understand, because he's never felt the urge to be monogamous himself?

Either way, you should probably get out.

[Asker]

I don’t know if it’s fair to say it was deliberate. I do understand that, in the beginning, neither of us knew how our relationship would develop, you know? We had both just come out of very intense and long relationships, so I don’t think either of us intended this to become a “permanent” thing. But we liked each other and kept going, I guess.
So, yeah, maybe he did hide things from me, but I don’t know if I can fully hold that against him — I mean, if you’re hooking up with someone, you probably won’t tell them everything that’s going on in your mind regarding your life or relationships. So yes, I think he did intentionally keep things from me, but it wasn’t exactly a deliberate attempt to mislead me, you know? It was just… a moment where it felt convenient for him to act like that.
But yeah, he kept going like this for far longer than I would’ve expected (considering how things changed for me), and I only recently found out about it. I also think that he does keep this part of his life, his non-monogamous lifestyle, as a secret to most people he dates.

[MisterPandemonium]

And you're how old?

Do you think that maybe to this guy, "non-monogamous" is just a fancy way of saying, "I've figured out how to cheat on my girlfriend, and not get in trouble if I get caught"?

Have you been non-monogamous back? Or thought about it? It's usually easier for girls to get sex than guys.

[Asker]

I think you’re wrong about girls getting sex easier than guys. Men can detach themselves emotionally much more easily, and that already makes things simpler for you guys. And I think it’s fair to bring age into this — we’re both in our early twenties (I’m 22, he’s 24) — so, yeah, a young man is most likely going to slut around. Notice how I said “young man”, because I haven’t been able to do that at all. I tried - I went to only two dates with different people during all this time - but I couldn’t force myself to have sex with them or even to go on a second date. I’m not sure he sees any of this as “cheating,” though. Recently, a friend of his — who is now also my friend — told me about the circumstances in which she saw him with other people. In her words, she said she “found it weird that he doesn’t even try to hide it. He always treats them like girlfriends. When I was in my slut phase, I wouldn’t want to be seen with anyone." So this behavior — being show-offy about it — doesn’t lead me to believe he sees them as “lovers,” but rather that he’s proud to be seen with them. Maybe he fetishizes this whole position of going out with loads of people, or perhaps he likes the validation he gets from it. It feels less like intimacy and more like performance - curiously, a thing his friend told me too! And honestly, that’s part of what messes with me. I wasn’t trying to compete or “collect” people the way he does - I just wanted honesty and some degree of consideration. But when someone is constantly parading new connections around, almost like trophies, it becomes tough to feel respected or valued in whatever dynamic you’re supposed to have together. I could never compete with him because it is more to me.

[MisterPandemonium]

Do you think he would get jealous if he found out that you had sex with someone else? Like maybe he saw you coming out of another guy's apartment early one morning, or something like that? Do you think he enjoys being non-monogamous with you because so far it's been almost completely one way? Like you're monogamous but he's not?

If you said you wanted a "closed" relationship, do you think he would agree to it, or break up with you?

You can chat me, if you feel like it. This message thread is getting pretty long. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

If it's supposed to be an open relationship, why are you playing these head games with him? Most likely reason is that you are jealous and you really aren't too happy about the open relationship status - even if you are the one who initially suggested it. It sounds like you aren't being straight with yourself and you are playing games with him and perhaps that is the reason for your impending breakup.

[Asker]

I think you’re misunderstanding the situation. I’m not playing “head games” with him - I’m reacting to behavior that goes against the agreements we both established. An open relationship doesn’t mean anything goes. It requires communication, respect, and not making other people the emotional center of your time with your partner. Jealousy isn’t the issue here. I’m fine with him seeing other people; what I’m not fine with is being treated as an afterthought, having plans constantly pushed aside, or having him bring his affairs into our conversations in ways that feel dismissive and disrespectful. That’s not an “open relationship” problem - that’s a basic consideration problem. If anything, the reason for the breakup is that the dynamic became unbalanced and he stopped showing up for the relationship in the way we agreed - not because I’m lying to myself.

[Opinion Owner]

So if you disagree about the ground rules, find a new partner.

[Crankor]

in my opinion having open relationships just lead to failure because introducing another partner for sex will almost always result in them just wanting that person. Me personally wouldn't think the term cheating would apply on an open relationship sonce sex is suppose to be the most intimate part of one. So I guess I dont really have any useful advice from that perspective other than do you really have a right to call it cheating?

[Asker]

Didn’t call it cheating, used it as an allegory

[PeachyPie93]

I don't know why you would care so much about it? It's an open relationship but if you cause stupid fights over jealousy he most likely will dump you since he is fucking other girls and since guys are lazy and don't like woman who make their lives harder..

[MJVillarama]

It sounds like he’s definitely hiding something and being evasive. In open relationships, honesty is key , if he’s closed off and lying, that’s a red flag. Trust your gut and focus on clear communication.

[Alex-Snow]

I think he is hiding something. Do you follow him on socials? Anything there? Has your sex life with him changed recently like maybe he having a lot of sex elsewhere? How old is he?

[Asker]

It did change. Last time I saw him, he said he didn’t want sex because he was tired - from an hour-long car ride from his mom’s place, like? Then he proceeded to blame me for not "respecting his boundaries". We didn’t even have sex - I just asked him why he didn’t want to, and somehow that became my fault.

[Alex-Snow]

That is just weird. He was too tired after a one hour car ride to have sex? That does not sound like a normal younger guy. As u know younger guys want sex several times a day. I think he is having sex with someone else (and probably himself... which is normal) What are your plans with him? Message me if u want to talk about it.

[Flower7]

Having complaints of cheating in an open relationship is madness. Those rules sound way too complicated to keep up with.

[Nikki1989]

For an open realtionship you are taking this far too seriously.

[Iron_Man]

What do you expect you’re in an open relationship and you’re not supposed to talk about it what do you think is gonna happen that’s not a partnership that’s a licensed to screw screw and screw other people and don’t ask and don’t tell scenario

[Asker]

Did you even read my text? I said he was talking about her regardless. My issue is that he won’t admit what he did, which was a breach of our agreement - not to talk about other people or make them the center of our time together. Instead, he’s acting like I “created” something out of nothing. And obviously, I didn’t ask about the girl; I was talking about someone else - yes, hoping he’d take the hint - and maybe he did, which makes it even weirder. Why the hell did he say there wasn’t anyone with that name on his mind? What did he think that would sound like? He just kept bringing her up in an elusive way, and I felt humiliated. I don’t care if he "screws" other people - that’s not the issue. The problem is bringing them into our relationship. Would you like it if your partner kept wishfully talking about someone else while they were with you? I wouldn’t. I didn’t. And as far as I’m aware, this has nothing to do with the NM dynamics we established.