Wives: How do you make peace with loving a husband when his lifestyle feels wrong to your gut?

[Anonymous]

Don't get me wrong, I love this man very much. We've been married well over 20 years, and he is a crossdresser. I have always wanted to be supportive, but honestly, it still doesn't feel 'natural' to me. I'm struggling to reconcile my deep love for him with that internal feeling that something is 'off.' For those of you in similar long-term situations, how do you find peace without losing yourself?

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

I mean, if my boyfriend wanted to wear women's clothing it wouldn't bother me anymore than wearing men's clothes for myself. They are just clothes and in his case, it helps comfort him instead of his energy being pent up and used in destructive ways. He could be an alcoholic, drug user, compulsive gambler or any other myriad of actual issues.

I would recommend, if you two aren't already seeing one, visiting a couples therapist to talk through this. You obviously care about him very much and I am sure he feels the same about you. Depriving him of an outlet is killing a part of himself just to appease your own comfort, but at the same time, you shouldn't be uncomfortable in your marriage and give up your agency either. A therapist can help you find some sort of middle ground that works.

[Asker]

One thing I didn't mention in my original post is that he lied about this for a long time. That's actually what's been the hardest part for me—not just the crossdressing itself, but the betrayal of trust. It makes me wonder what else I don't know, and whether I can truly feel safe in this marriage again. The therapy suggestion is good, but I think we need to address the dishonesty before we can even talk about finding a middle ground on anything else.

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Well, therapy can definitely help with the trust issue, but also think about where you are coming from on this. You are saying you have an issue with him not trusting you but also saying you have a problem with the cross dressing itself which might have been a reason he didn't want to open up to you out of fear you'd leave or tell him to stop.

I get wanting to be open about everything but if you are worried about your partner leaving you over something like that, then I could conceivably see why he would want to maintain that level of privacy even if the lying itself is not OK.

I do hope you can find a place to heal from this and that things work out between the two of you. I mean, there could be a benefit in it for you. I am sure it would be fun to have a shopping buddy and he would feel more confident in you knowing that you support him even with his darkest secrets so nothing could really be taboo at that point. Wouldn't that open up the communication lines you were hoping for before this?

[Asker]

I appreciate you trying to see his perspective. You're right that fear of rejection is likely why he stayed silent for so long, and I understand that fear. However, understanding why he lied doesn't erase the fact that he did lie. Trust isn't just about 'privacy'; it's about honesty.

You mention that this could open up communication lines and lead to a 'shopping buddy' dynamic. I think that's a lovely goal for the future, but we can't skip the hard work of rebuilding trust first. Right now, the 'dark secrets' feel less like a bonding opportunity and more like a wall between us. Until we can be honest about the past without fear, I don't think we can safely move toward that future. Therapy is essential here, not just for the crossdressing, but specifically to unpack the years of deception.

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Oh trust me. I completely understand how you feel about the lying. Without going into specifics on here in public, I've dealt with my own issues with lying partners. It took me time to come to terms as to why they did it and how I could come back from it. Im not dismissing or downplaying that portion at all, I promise.

I think the reason I am trying so hard is because I've been in your shoes (it wasn't about crossdressing, but it was very serious in my opinion). I feel like there can be forgiveness there because I was able to do it and if I didn't try then maybe it was a mistake to forgive them in my case too. Sorry, I know I'm shouldn't interject my own personal life story into yours, but the parallels are there and it just comes naturally.

Definitely take the time you need for yourself, work through the therapy and unpack the fallout of the ongoing lying, and yeah, hopefully you do find a place where you not only accept him as he is but he does the same for you and believes there is nothing he needs to hide from you again.

No need to speed rush the healing process by any means. My thoughts were just of finding a happy place at the end of it.

[Asker]

Thank You

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

You're very welcome and good luck on everything

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Gender expression is not necessarily indicative of homosexuality, there is such a thing as a straight drag queen.

[Asker]

I appreciate the clarification, but honestly, knowing his sexual orientation doesn't fix the feeling of betrayal from the lies. My struggle is less about who he is attracted to and more about the secrecy and how we move forward with honesty.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You never said this was a secret, only that it felt “unnatural” to you

[OneViewpoint]

It feels like something is off because something is off. It ain't normal. On the other hand he's not harming anyone.

But what about you. I bet you're not bragging to your friends. It's probably more than a little humiliating for you. A secret you're forced to keep.

[Asker]

I appreciate you validating my gut feeling, but I have to push back on the 'humiliation' part. We aren't hiding in shame. Actually, he recently suggested we paint our nails together—matching pinky fingers in our wedding colors. It was his idea, and I found myself liking it. It feels less like a secret I'm forced to keep and more like a small, new way for us to connect. It's a baby step, but it's helping me see that we can find a middle ground that honors both of us.

[OneViewpoint]

If you had it to do over again, would you choose a cross dressing man as a husband? If the answer is no, why would you stay with a guy who hid that from you for all or some portion of 20 years to keep you from leaving? That's not ethical.

OK, he feared you may leave. That's understandable but he chose selfish self interest. What about his concern for you? Think about that while you ponder what else you don't know. Like I said, something is off. Tell yourself you're doing the noble thing. Is this what you want from life?

[OlderAndWiser]

Love is not enough to make a LTR work. If his lifestyle bothers you, then you should have left the relationship when this first became apparent. You cannot make him change his behavior and you cannot change your feelings about it.

[Asker]

You clearly don't understand the weight of a 20 plus year marriage or the vow 'until death do us part.' Telling me I 'should have left' dismisses over two decades of love, shared history, and the conscious choice I am making now to stand by my husband. My discomfort is real, but my commitment is stronger. I didn't ask for your judgment; I asked for support. Please respect my decision to navigate this within my marriage.

[OlderAndWiser]

I told you the following:

1. You should have reacted to this 20+ years ago, before you had the commitment of marriage.
2. There is no real way to resolve this conflict now.

I never attacked your commitment. You are simply angry because I gave you an honest response that you don't want to hear. You should be angry with yourself for making this choice and creating this problem.

Would you prefer that I simply tell you what you want to hear?

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you untangle messy heart stuff without losing yourself in the process.

You can love him deeply and still feel conflicted. That’s not a red flag, that’s honesty. Peace usually comes from three things: naming your limits, grieving the fantasy of the “husband image” you wanted, and building a new version of the relationship where his crossdressing is acknowledged but not centered.

You’re allowed boundaries like “I love you, but I’m not comfortable sexually when you’re dressed” or “I support you, but I need parts of my life separate from this.” That’s not rejection, that’s self-preservation.

You don’t have to fully “love” the crossdressing to love the man. You just need a balance where you’re not constantly betraying your gut. Individual therapy for you and maybe a couples therapist familiar with gender expression can help you sort guilt from genuine discomfort.

You’re not failing him by being honest. You’d only be failing yourself by pretending this doesn’t affect you.

[Asker]

Thanks for this. I'm still processing. One thing that stuck with me: am I supposed to feel guilty for not accepting this 100%? I want to be supportive, but I also want to be honest with myself.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

There was a documentary filmmaker who used to say "get used to the bear behind you"

Life is all about change if you ask me. It's a sign you're growing. Becoming comfortable with it maybe means you could stand to study the relationship between why you feel uncomfortable and what about this man makes you feel good and find some things you believe in that might be worth either trying to re imagine or getting him on board with.

[whosnumber_1]

That is difficult. But one thing I know is you don't need to compromise yourself and what feels right for you. You need to have boundaries and you need to feel not taken advantage of.

Maybe it doesn't feel right to you because somewhere it crosses over you values. You shouldn't feel shame for your feelings.

If be happy to talk more about this with you if that would help

[Iron_Man]

if something feels wrong you gotta call him out to make sure he’s not cheating on you

[strateguy632]

Nope if you loved him you would overlook flaws and be on his side.

[jahaims]

You dont marry that type of person obviously. It means you didn't have healthy boundaries

[Mike_Hum]

Get him therapy and forbid him to do it.