Was I wrong to tell my new partner about being sexually abused by my ex?

[Anonymous]

I started dating this guy last year and I shared with him that my previous partner had raped me ( happened 2 years prior and he was the 1st guy I had dated) and I wanted to be honest because I had developed some PTSD and changes in how I see myself and also in my attachment style. I wanted him to know that if I pulled back it wasn't because of him. I have developed a fear of intimacy and other trauma from the previous relationship. Since being abuse I have felt as if I wasn't good enough and "dirty" from the experience. He seemed supportive. I have been in therapy for the past 2 years working on it. I was upfront about my fears. He recently started acting weird and my mind has jump in the defensive mode and makes me feel like I was used and that my fears where right.

Should I have never shared that with him?

[Lliam]

You were right to share. A good man would want to know. He would be empathetic and heartbroken by the trauma you had experienced. He would reassure you and be 100% helpful and supportive.
I hope your partner is that kind of man.

When I was 36, I met the most wonderful 30 year old. I fell deeply in love with her and she loved me. We wound up living together for two years.

Early on, she confided that she had been sexually abused by her step father for close to 10 years from a very, very young age. The experience had caused her great psychological harm.
Her confession tore me up. I couldn't understand how someone could abuse a sweet, innocent, beautiful little girl and cause such life-long damage.

She became an alcoholic. She got married at age 17 to get out out of the house and had a son.
Not many years later, she got divorced and surrendered custody of her son to her husband, although she had visitation rights and remained close to him. She was a good mom and her son loved her.

She went into counseling as well as AA.

By the time I met her, she had a career as a motor vehicle damage appraiser working in auto body shops. That's actually how I met her.
She was self sufficient, determined to succeed in life, and trying hard to be a normal girl.
She was bright, plucky, hard working, sweet, kind, honest, ethical, and loyal.
She was in AA, trying hard to kick alcoholism, and still in counseling when we were together.

In her case, her sexual abuse had made her hypersexual and orgasmic. I'm sure she had lots of sex after her divorce because she was expert. Because she craved sex, she may have even been promiscuous at times when she was drunk and accumulated more feelings of shame and degradation. I don't know. But she wanted to be loved and to have a monogamous relationship. She was actually a good girl.

I loved her with all my heart, more so than any previous girlfriend. She loved me, too. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her as husband and wife. But there was an invisible barrier.
She was haunted by demons of shame and couldn't bring herself to confide in me. She couldn't even face them, herself.

I don't think she could ever fully trust a man to love her and be loyal no matter what. I was afraid that we couldn't make it as life-long partners through old age. I couldn't chance getting married and then losing her.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing your story. It was very touching.
I am also doing therapy to work through those issues. Since my abuse, I overthink my actions and my brain has put me in of fight or flight mode when I feel like things are not good and I tend to choose the flight. I think it’s more so to keep control as that was a situation where control was taken from me and I deeply empathize with her as I care for him and I have those fears I am not good enough after the abuse and I also lost my sense of self love or being deserving of it

[Lliam]

I understand. I hope you can work through those feelings with therapy and regain your sense of worth and ability to trust. Allow yourself to be cherished.
Just know that what happened to you wasn't your fault.

[ohsheeT]

You should be able to say anything. But most girls always picked the same type of guys after they break up..

Here's the thing about that when you tell someone that it seems to me that somewhere down the line the new parnter gets pissed off one day and thinking you didn't do anything about it with the other guy he thinks he can get away with it

I think it's basically a catch 22 I also think that it all depends on the guy and what type of relationship you have you know I would love to say you should be able to tell anything that you need to tell your partner but in today's age people are freaking crazy

And the way they see things is just completely different than like in the old days like I'm from where I'm from

A man abuses you you call the cops if you don't want to call the cops you call your big brother and let him deal with it if you don't have a new brother you call a friend but any man that hits you touches you even verbally abusive need to ask it and you need to walk away because you allow them to do it one time they will do it again the first time somebody touches you you called the police right then and there otherwise they think they can get away with it over and over and you should know that because of your question about your past

[Asker]

That is true in my culture it is the opposite. Those things are not talked about sadly. I was afraid of my partner at the time and didn’t say anything. He was very controlling.

[ohsheeT]

Sorry that you went through that I always try to get girls to learn how to read guys by either watching and listening to how they talk to other people their friends strangers because that will tell you so much the first time they lie to you they will always lie to you there's so many things that you can learn not to go through this and the thing is is the moment that it happens the very first time you have to walk away quickly because that person will never change

[Asker]

Thank you.

[ohsheeT]

Well just remember who you are and who you want to be and set your boundaries you have to look at yourself as you are the boss you are the one in control just because you want to be with somebody doesn't give them the right to abuse you in any shape form or matter and the moment they do it you have to put a stop to it because if you don't they will do it again and again and again and then that sets the whole foundation for the which way the relationship is going to go so you can't be afraid to not say anything or say hey I don't like that or whatever you feel you need to tell them and don't think that that's the only person in the world so you stay with him just to be with somebody because they're not the only person in the world

[Kelley1]

I don't know if you should have told him, but telling is risky. Men tend to get excited, and that opens you up to being given the third degree. A guy may even ask, "Did you enjoy it?" or "What did you do?" or "Did you fight?" as if it is your fault. They want all the (to them) juicy details, (to you) horrible details.

If he is pulling back, the reason may not be that you told him. It may be that you are over sensitive and see that at a reason to blame him for your perceptions not his actions.

[Nikki1989]

Not at all. It was mature, self-aware, and respectful — both to you and to him.

[OlderAndWiser]

"He recently started acting weird. . ." In what way?

[Asker]

He had a trip overseas for work and came back and we have spoken but barely spoken. He didn’t wish me happy birthday and has been acting very cold

[Asker]

He also has a custody battle with the ex wife so I am not sure. What is going on

[OlderAndWiser]

Maybe he had a tryst with another female while he was away and he now feels guilty about it.

[HighValue]

It's important to be up front and honest in a relationship. Personally, I wouldn't be with any woman that said she was a vic tim of SA because so many lie and falsely accuse people of that, I'd think if she ever gets upset, she'd falsely accuse me of that too since that is the go to bs claim of so many women.

If people don't like that opinion, then women need to get laws changed, have prison sentences for women that falsely accuse, along with a false accuser registry. Where is the equal treatment under the law? Men are abused way to much by women and the unfair laws.

[Asker]

While sadly some might lie about the situation
others do not. In this case that was my first with a man and not my choice. Sharing about being abused is not easy. From my experience It took me 6 months to open up and choose to go to therapy for it. I have not shared this with anyone in my family/ friends. In my culture it is not something that is looked kindly upon.

Lying about such a situation is despicable

[RavVid]

I think you needed to when it seemed to becoming an ongoing relationship. It is also reasonable that he is going to need some time to come to terms with the effect on you and if he will be paying for what someone else did.

Maybe he won't feel capable but you still needed to tell him

[MrChinaski]

In the long run, if you can't be honest and open and completely you in a relationship then it's not a relationship that is healthy for you. Different people choose timing to disclose things to partners; you chose yours. In the end you just have to be honest and let the chips fall where they land. You did the right thing, not the wrong thing.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I let the chips fell where they landed.

Wtf bro, I have to hoover the damn floor now. You're unreliable.

[bowenw]

It was not wrong of you to tell him that or anything else. If you haven't already told him, you may want to let him know he doesn't have to behave any differently around you because of your abusive ex, unless there is something in particular you don't like.
Try to remember you are not dirty or anything else negative because of being victimized. It was your ex that was evil.

[Master_Debator]

You're up in you own head. Look at your behavior first to figure out why he's acting a certain way.

I mean think about it... just because I've killed people in the middle east doesn't mean I'm not being good to you. We all have our experiences... not all involve zip ties around the neck and plastic bags over their head, but some are not so great. He's probably paying attention to how you treat him just to be honest.

[Asker]

Everything has been good. I have been supportive with his custody battle from the ex wife as well as his best friend getting in a car accident. Between us everything was going fine. He traveled abroad for work and we were talking. He came back one day early and told me he will call and hasn’t for a 1 1/2 week so it has been weird

[Master_Debator]

With that info... it could be something going on with his end of things.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s good you told him otherwise a man may take your reluctance or distancing yourself from intimacy personally. But too, a lot of men have a problem w a girl who has been through that. They see her as tainted, damaged, so that may be the reason why he’s started acting strange. Although what whole d to you was t by choice, a lot of men can’t deal w that. It’s not the same, but it’s similar to when a girl has a past of getting around. Most men don’t want that.

[Friendlybro79]

You don't know why he's being weird yet, based on what you shared here. Jumping to that conclusion might be too soon to say. Ask your therapist how to navigate is so you don't over or under react.

[Asker]

Thank you. I have discussed it at our session

[Friendlybro79]

You're welcome. Wishing you well.

[ArrowheadSW]

I think it was a very good idea to have shared it with him. It was pertinent information since you were dating.

[FunkyMonkee]

It depends on how he takes it.
Have you asked him why he suddenly got weird?

[Asker]

I have asked and no response

[FunkyMonkee]

Ask if he's got an issue with you being abused.

[Anonymous]

That happened to two women i know one was my ex of 6 1/2 years the other someone I'm deeply in love with. If he loves you he'll understand if not then let him go

[Godihateyou]

Yes. Nobody believes you and no he knows if he makes. You mad you are going to say he raped you

[Anonymous]

No, your partner should know about that.

[oldman26]

He should know