Is blaming a husband for his wife's cheating like blaming a woman for rape?

[msc545]

[ProbablyClueless]

I don't think so. People have a lot more control over whether they get cheated on than most want to acknowledge. Controlling whether you get assaulted is damn near impossible.

I've seen too many couples where one person steps out on the other (both men and women), and it just becomes abundantly obvious that the cheated-on partner did a frickin laundry list of things to bring the situation about.

[msc545]

So in one case, you can blame somebody, and in the other, you can't. Is that essentially what you are saying?

[ProbablyClueless]

Basically... At the very least, the victim usually isn't without blame in cheating.

[msc545]

That is surprisingly general statement coming from you. Do you have something to support that?

[ProbablyClueless]

Nothing more than anecdotes, I'm afraid. Lots of talking with lots of people... It's a pattern I've noticed from my personal observations about people and their relationships over the years.

My own parents even divorced when my mom had an affair. I don't condone the behavior and my father DID NOT deserve to be cheated on, but he certainly wasn't doing much to prevent it.

[msc545]

People always have excuses for their bad behavior. Just because they make an excuse about the other person doing something that sort of caused them to do it, it doesn't mean it's valid. Behaviour is a choice initially.

[ProbablyClueless]

That's very true! I think that one of my greatest blessings in life is that I have a very non-reactive personality. It has saved me a lot of frustration and heartbreak over the years.

[Staximus]

Both are examples of people blaming their unacceptable behavior on their victims, but you’re comparing apples and oranges here.

[msc545]

In what way is it apples and oranges? I see it as being almost equivalent.

[lilBigPotato]

I don't think it's a good comparison but I get where you're coming from.

[msc545]

What makes it a not-so-good comparison in your estimation?

[lilBigPotato]

There are different forms of cheating but in many cases you can reduce it to someone skipping a crucial step or doing things in the wrong order.

People cheat because they are unhappy in the relationship or just not fully committed. Either way, I believe that the relationship has a very high risk of failing, even if people control themselves better and don't cheat. If a relationship doesn't give you what you want and you feel the desire to sleep with someone else, you try to fix it and if it's not possible, you break up. If someone cheats, they skip this step. It can be because they didn't have the courage, or are in denial and think they can keep it going, or maybe want to stay for the kids... Or they didn't just really love someone so they didn't care.

Either way, I do believe that most relationships where someone cheated would have failed either way sooner or later. Which means that the results often would have been then same, even if someone didn't cheat. Breakup. Cheating might add some hard feelings to the mix, but he main consequence is breakup.

Rape on the other side is a lot more black and white and the severity is also bigger. There's a reason why one is a major crime and the other one isn't.
If you rape someone, things drastically change. You potentially ruin 2 lives forever. The victim might have a lifelong trauma, you might end up in jail. The differences between rape and no rape are extreme.

There is no high chance of ending up with a similar outcome even if you don't rape someone. It's the opposite. By not raping someone and trying it the proper way, you might even end up with a much more positive outcome.

Cheating is a symptom of an underlying issue in the relationship between two people. Rape is a symptom of issues with the personality of one person alone. You can reduce both to a lack of consent, but the premise and consequences of both are vastly different and that's why I think that it's not good to compare them.

[lilBigPotato]

Your point was that in both cases it's the other person's fault which is true. But that really just scratches the surface.

When someone cheats, there can be many reasons why someone felt the need for it. From simply having a week shitty character and a lack of love to being in an abusive relationship. It's always the cheaters fault for not doing things in the right order (breakup first), but it isn't necessarily always the cheaters fault for the relationship going downhill in the first place. Cheating can be a severe break of trust, or just a formality.
Rape on the other hand has a lot less shades of grey (no pun intended). Girls wearing skimpy outfits aren't even the main victims of rape if you look at the statistics.

[msc545]

That is a very circumloquacious and complicated justification for infidelity. Cheating is just an intentional act of infidelity and there's no way of talking around that.

[lilBigPotato]

No where did I make any justification for cheating. I clearly started that you should break up first if for whatever reason you're not happy in your relationship. If you don't, you're at fault.

You're comparing 2 very complicated and different things and expect a simple answer, but that's not how it works 🤷‍♀️

[msc545]

Sorry about that. That is precisely how it works with regard to blame. I'm only talking about blame. The precursors to cheating are what they are.

[RachyRach]

Low key that kinda makes sense.

[Sevenpointfive]

you're never around, you won't go down on me, you don't make me cum, i don't love you anymore, it's the stress, there's plenty of excuses that can be used for a lot of things women hide, but it's never their fault.

[slatyb]

There is usually blame on both sides.

[IknowthatIdontKnow09]

It's different

[msc545]

How is it different and why?