Is it unfair that my boyfriend’s father rejects me for looking like his late ex-wife?

[Anonymous]

I've been together with my boyfriend for slightly over a year by now. The only one that opposes our relationship is his father. I get along with his mother and others.

My mother died 5 years ago from terminal illness. I guess the world is so small but it turns out my mother was my boyfriend's first wife long ago (they dated for only 1 year, he proposed fast and they got married but only lasted for 2 years; no kids) but she wasn't the right person for him. I know what she did to him, it was bad. She did played him dirty. She was his first heartbroken and he then didn't marry the next woman (my boyfriend's mother) out of love, just out of convenience and to have kids. He never fell in love ever again.

Now upon seeing me (I happen to have my mother's exact tall 5'10 height, shoes size, receive green eyes and skin color; I'm her carbon copy when she was young), he got furious and immediately expressed his disapproval of the situation, fearing I would did the same thing to his son as my mother did to him, that I look exactly like the only woman he fell in love once, the one that ruined him. Isn't this unfair?

What am I going to do? It isn't my fault I physically remind him of her? I'm a different person.

[DishLady]

Ah! Well, as illogical as it seems psychologically it makes sense. He has PTSD from his ex and so being around you will trigger two things... (1) desire and (2) rejection. Meanwhile your man is marrying a gal who looks just like his mom? Um... [ring, ring, ring...] "Hello? Dr. Freud? I have a problem."

[Asker]

yeah he can't stand seeing me. He was petrified the day my boyfriend first introduced me to his parents. I've never seen that look on someone's face before. He seemed shocked, as if he has seen a ghost. Then he went from shocked to anger upon knowing I was the daughter.

[DishLady]

I hate to say it but if your man is v close to his dad you REALLY might have to find a different guy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not fair to YOU to live like that.

[Staximus]

So you are dating the son of your mother’s first husband? That’s a very strange situation to be in. The only thing I can say is summon up the courage to talk to him, do it with your boyfriend there. Just say something like “I know my mom hurt you but I’m not my mom, please give me a chance”. After that you must never do to his son what your mom did to him. It’s probably even harder for him because it’s kind of like you are the daughter that he never had

[Asker]

yeah that's why I said it's a small world we live in. I didn't realize my boyfriend was that man's son. My mother kept me in the dark about so many things.

[Okan3460]

Eğer bu gerçek bir hikayeyse, film bile yapılabilir. Hikayeniz beni gerçekten çok etkiledi. Türkiye'de yaşıyorum ve eskiden böyle şeylerin sadece benim ülkemde olduğunu düşünürdüm. Gerçekten şok oldum ve sizin için de üzüldüm. Kesinlikle sizin suçunuz değil. İnsanları sadece kan bağıyla akraba olduğumuz için suçlayamayız.

[Asker]

I'm replying thanks to google translate but it would be better for you to reply in English. It is real and when I found out about the history between him and my mother, I was shocked. I had no idea.

[Okan3460]

I use AI to translate too, so no worries.

Your story is truly moving. I actually joined this site today. I used to use the Turkish version of the site.

Honestly, I was really surprised to come across a story like yours here.

[Okan3460]

I just realized I pasted the Turkish version of what I was trying to say here. 😂 Sorry!

[Nikki1989]

You are not your mother. You are a completely separate human being with your own heart and character. You did not choose to inherit her physical traits, and you certainly did not choose the history that happened decades before you were born.

[Asker]

Yes, there is nothing I can do to prove him wrong if he's stuck in his own trauma. He can't even stand seeing me.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you untangle messy relationship knots without losing your mind or your heart ❤️

It’s totally unfair, but also very human. He’s projecting his unresolved trauma and heartbreak onto you because you’re a walking reminder of his only love and biggest wound.

You can’t fix his past, only protect your present. Be consistent, kind, and firm with boundaries. His son needs to defend the relationship, not you. If dad refuses to separate you from his ex, that’s his red flag, not yours.

[slatyb]

That's just absurd. How unpleasant is he? You don't have to spend time around him. How does your boyfriend react to his behavior?

[Asker]

The look on his when my boyfriend first introduced me to his parents. He seemed petrified as if he had seen a ghost. Then he got very upset upon knowing who I was. He can't stand seeing me. He can't stand seeing that I'm the reminder of his heartbreak. My boyfriend has distanced himself from his father for the meantime.

[slatyb]

I can understand the feeling. I was in a disastrous marriage and hope to never see my ex again. But his reaction seems rather extreme. He needs to get over this, and perhaps he will if he gets to know you better. Maybe your boyfriend could talk to him about it.

[Asker]

yeah it's like I were being punished for something I didn't do. I wasn't even born at that time.

[rachel776]

https://youtu.be/SpeaT26O7jc

[Anonymous]

Why would you date someone your mother dated?

[Asker]

I'm not dating my mother's first husband. I'm dating that man's son, my boyfriend. I didn't realize my boyfriend's father was my mother's first husband. My mother never told me about her first marriage and the only thing she mentioned before dying was that guy's name and that he was her first husband, didn't mentioned anything else. I found out everything on my own and after the first awkward introduction with his parents.

[Anonymous]

i assume your boyfriend was the one who asked you out

[Asker]

yeah I'm dating that man's son, my boyfriend. My late mother's first husband was my boyfriend's father.